My First Girlfriend, Yatta!
Thursday, 11 October 2007, 20:53 +0800 GMT
I can't tell you how long I've been waiting to write this post. Well, I can, actually, but it's a figure of speech designed to emphasise how happy I am to be here now, writing it! To sum it all up nice and simply, I finally met my first girlfriend. It feels kind of strange, to finally have a girlfriend. Besides the wonderful feeling and massive sense of relief, that is, hehe. For many, many years I felt that a girlfriend was all that I was missing in life, and in hindsight, I think I was correct. It's lovely to have one - I do feel that my life is more whole now, somehow. Thinking back, it has been such a long road to get to here. We hooked up a few days after my 24th birthday. So I'd say I'm a bit of a 'late bloomer'! There's a bit of a long story behind such a late start, as you can imagine. I won't bore you with it, but I will distill it into a few phrases though, as follows. "Low self confidence due to being bullied and overweight in school", "Struggling to get over a useless primary/high school crush that plagued me for 7 years", "Getting my first real female friend in university" and "Being ultra conservative". Hahaha. What a loser :D
But focusing on the positives, I got a lot better. When I started my job in the Real World I began to work things out a lot more. You have to, there's no room for a female-shy auditor in a large global auditing firm. You get over it or get out. I chose to get over it. Gradually I made female friends and generally got more used to dealing with women. It sounds ridiculous, and in some ways, it is. But I couldn't help the way I was - I could only take steps to change it. To simplify it, it's really all down to learning to a) building confidence in yourself and b) dealing with the male hormones that tell you, for no rational reason at all, that you're attracted to various women. Once you get that down, things get a bit easier.
I was still not all that great through my first and second year, although I did come close to getting involved with one girl. That died down in the end, mainly because I couldn't decide what to do. I was very unsure of myself and didn't want to start something if I wasn't 100% sure it'd work out ok. That's typical me, going for perfection from the very start. Guess I learnt that it's not possible hehe. Like my friend always said, think about whether you're likely to be happy with this person in a few years, and go from there. Don't take it too seriously. Bloody good advice. As I started my third year, I found I had two 'wingmen' in the department - two other guys who were rapidly discovering themselves as well and getting out there to explore. It was very confidence bolstering and we had heaps of good chats about various things. Guess it's a big topic for single guys our age. Still, despite all of that, I didn't have any luck. Not surprising, really. I really didn't know that many girls, and the ones I did know knew me back when I was less confident. And I think I was still really uptight and conservative. Some people would say picky, but that's not quite true. It was more just that I could never tell if I really liked the girl 100% and if I really thought it would turn out well in the long run. I suppose I was thinking entirely long term, i.e. marrying the first girl I went out with. Not such a good idea because the pressure on you to find the right girl is so intense you just can't be sure if the girls you meet are going to be right, so you end up doing nothing and hence end up with nobody!
So how did all of this change, for me? Perhaps not in the way you might think, hehe. Before I left for Japan, I started to feel more confident. I took leadership at times I wouldn't have before. I developed a positive attitude and a happier outlook on life. I felt strong and confident, adventuring off into the unknown in a country I loved. Who could feel sad at a time like that! This continued into my meetings with the other Perth JETs, and from there, into my time in Tokyo for JET Orientation. And I noticed the effect on the people around me. People wanted to talk to me, hang out with me. I could see they respected me more, and enjoyed being around me. Vastly different to my previous life where I was always the quiet conservative guy looking for someone to talk deep and meaningful with, one-on-one. Both are good, but it was nice to be the leader, the life of the party, or at least a normal member of a party haha. So that was a graet step to solving the confidence problem.
From there I would be so bold as to say it was a matter of time, really. I was interested in a JET who I saw quite a bit of, and she seemed interested too. We began to get a little closer but despite the changes in me, my perception of how women feel about me didn't improve hahaha. I got mixed signals and wasn't entirely sure what to do. Did I still worry about the future? Yes, very much. And I think it stopped me making a positive, final move. Was this girl really, really right? Would I like her enough to get married to her eventually? I didn't know. So I suppose I just didn't know what to do and piss-farted around the issue for a while. Eventually I would have made a call to back off or go all in. But it turned out I didn't need to, because I met my current girlfriend.
I'm so grateful for the situation that I ended up in with her, that started everything off, because without it I doubt I would have progressed with her either. I think my learning about relationships and women increased about 100% in 4 hours haha. The story goes that I wanted a certain very rare type of beer. Haha how good a start to a new relationship is that! :P So this beer, it's really hard to find. The only place I know I can get it is an Irish Pub in Kyoto. It just so happened I was in Kyoto, so I decided to wander in to enjoy a quiet few! As soon as I wandered in, I spotted a girl working behind the bar that I'd met last time I came to Japan, in April this year. She vaguely recognised me and asked my name, then seemed to remember once I said it. I didn't pick up any vibes that she was interested at this point, but as I sat at the bar and we drank the beer together (as an 'old friend', I shouted her a drink!), we had a great time exchanging news. It turned out that she had broken up with her old boyfriend, who I'd also met last time I was in Kyoto. I was sad about this, because she had obviously been hurt by it. I thought back to when I'd met her before, and remembered how nice I had thought she was at the time. It hadn't gone any further than that because she had a boyfriend, but I do recall her giving me some of the 'looks' that many Japanese women give me hehe.
As the night went on, I think it was her who started taking it in 'that' direction. She'd give me these looks that not even I could misinterpret, and towards the end of her shift when the pub quietened down, came out to sit next to me and talk. I was into her, so putting my miniscule knowledge to work and flexing as much of my new confidence as I could, I managed to get my hand up onto her shoulder and onto her hands at convenient moments. As she finished work, I mustered everything I could and asked if she'd like to go out somewhere in Kyoto afterwards. She said yes, and so we headed, for want of anywhere better to go, to the bank of the Kamogawa river. That's where it all happened and something in me finally kicked in and told me what to do, as a man interested in a woman. I think I finally got enough experience points through coming back to Japan on the JET Program to level up sufficiently in 'normal human male', so that I could read her body language and realise I should be doing something rather than just sitting there hehe. After that, it was easy, really! We arranged to meet again to get to know each other, and went from there. I couldn't be happier :)
Thursday, 11 October 2007, 20:53 +0800 GMT
I can't tell you how long I've been waiting to write this post. Well, I can, actually, but it's a figure of speech designed to emphasise how happy I am to be here now, writing it! To sum it all up nice and simply, I finally met my first girlfriend. It feels kind of strange, to finally have a girlfriend. Besides the wonderful feeling and massive sense of relief, that is, hehe. For many, many years I felt that a girlfriend was all that I was missing in life, and in hindsight, I think I was correct. It's lovely to have one - I do feel that my life is more whole now, somehow. Thinking back, it has been such a long road to get to here. We hooked up a few days after my 24th birthday. So I'd say I'm a bit of a 'late bloomer'! There's a bit of a long story behind such a late start, as you can imagine. I won't bore you with it, but I will distill it into a few phrases though, as follows. "Low self confidence due to being bullied and overweight in school", "Struggling to get over a useless primary/high school crush that plagued me for 7 years", "Getting my first real female friend in university" and "Being ultra conservative". Hahaha. What a loser :D
But focusing on the positives, I got a lot better. When I started my job in the Real World I began to work things out a lot more. You have to, there's no room for a female-shy auditor in a large global auditing firm. You get over it or get out. I chose to get over it. Gradually I made female friends and generally got more used to dealing with women. It sounds ridiculous, and in some ways, it is. But I couldn't help the way I was - I could only take steps to change it. To simplify it, it's really all down to learning to a) building confidence in yourself and b) dealing with the male hormones that tell you, for no rational reason at all, that you're attracted to various women. Once you get that down, things get a bit easier.
I was still not all that great through my first and second year, although I did come close to getting involved with one girl. That died down in the end, mainly because I couldn't decide what to do. I was very unsure of myself and didn't want to start something if I wasn't 100% sure it'd work out ok. That's typical me, going for perfection from the very start. Guess I learnt that it's not possible hehe. Like my friend always said, think about whether you're likely to be happy with this person in a few years, and go from there. Don't take it too seriously. Bloody good advice. As I started my third year, I found I had two 'wingmen' in the department - two other guys who were rapidly discovering themselves as well and getting out there to explore. It was very confidence bolstering and we had heaps of good chats about various things. Guess it's a big topic for single guys our age. Still, despite all of that, I didn't have any luck. Not surprising, really. I really didn't know that many girls, and the ones I did know knew me back when I was less confident. And I think I was still really uptight and conservative. Some people would say picky, but that's not quite true. It was more just that I could never tell if I really liked the girl 100% and if I really thought it would turn out well in the long run. I suppose I was thinking entirely long term, i.e. marrying the first girl I went out with. Not such a good idea because the pressure on you to find the right girl is so intense you just can't be sure if the girls you meet are going to be right, so you end up doing nothing and hence end up with nobody!
So how did all of this change, for me? Perhaps not in the way you might think, hehe. Before I left for Japan, I started to feel more confident. I took leadership at times I wouldn't have before. I developed a positive attitude and a happier outlook on life. I felt strong and confident, adventuring off into the unknown in a country I loved. Who could feel sad at a time like that! This continued into my meetings with the other Perth JETs, and from there, into my time in Tokyo for JET Orientation. And I noticed the effect on the people around me. People wanted to talk to me, hang out with me. I could see they respected me more, and enjoyed being around me. Vastly different to my previous life where I was always the quiet conservative guy looking for someone to talk deep and meaningful with, one-on-one. Both are good, but it was nice to be the leader, the life of the party, or at least a normal member of a party haha. So that was a graet step to solving the confidence problem.
From there I would be so bold as to say it was a matter of time, really. I was interested in a JET who I saw quite a bit of, and she seemed interested too. We began to get a little closer but despite the changes in me, my perception of how women feel about me didn't improve hahaha. I got mixed signals and wasn't entirely sure what to do. Did I still worry about the future? Yes, very much. And I think it stopped me making a positive, final move. Was this girl really, really right? Would I like her enough to get married to her eventually? I didn't know. So I suppose I just didn't know what to do and piss-farted around the issue for a while. Eventually I would have made a call to back off or go all in. But it turned out I didn't need to, because I met my current girlfriend.
I'm so grateful for the situation that I ended up in with her, that started everything off, because without it I doubt I would have progressed with her either. I think my learning about relationships and women increased about 100% in 4 hours haha. The story goes that I wanted a certain very rare type of beer. Haha how good a start to a new relationship is that! :P So this beer, it's really hard to find. The only place I know I can get it is an Irish Pub in Kyoto. It just so happened I was in Kyoto, so I decided to wander in to enjoy a quiet few! As soon as I wandered in, I spotted a girl working behind the bar that I'd met last time I came to Japan, in April this year. She vaguely recognised me and asked my name, then seemed to remember once I said it. I didn't pick up any vibes that she was interested at this point, but as I sat at the bar and we drank the beer together (as an 'old friend', I shouted her a drink!), we had a great time exchanging news. It turned out that she had broken up with her old boyfriend, who I'd also met last time I was in Kyoto. I was sad about this, because she had obviously been hurt by it. I thought back to when I'd met her before, and remembered how nice I had thought she was at the time. It hadn't gone any further than that because she had a boyfriend, but I do recall her giving me some of the 'looks' that many Japanese women give me hehe.
As the night went on, I think it was her who started taking it in 'that' direction. She'd give me these looks that not even I could misinterpret, and towards the end of her shift when the pub quietened down, came out to sit next to me and talk. I was into her, so putting my miniscule knowledge to work and flexing as much of my new confidence as I could, I managed to get my hand up onto her shoulder and onto her hands at convenient moments. As she finished work, I mustered everything I could and asked if she'd like to go out somewhere in Kyoto afterwards. She said yes, and so we headed, for want of anywhere better to go, to the bank of the Kamogawa river. That's where it all happened and something in me finally kicked in and told me what to do, as a man interested in a woman. I think I finally got enough experience points through coming back to Japan on the JET Program to level up sufficiently in 'normal human male', so that I could read her body language and realise I should be doing something rather than just sitting there hehe. After that, it was easy, really! We arranged to meet again to get to know each other, and went from there. I couldn't be happier :)
OMG This Site is Fugly!
Wednesday, 29 August 2007, 12:30 +0800 GMT
I just swung past this site for fun after not posting anything for over three weeks. I've been spending heaps of time updating my other site, my JET journal, rather than this one. It struck me as soon as this site loaded, how fugly it is. At least, compared to my JET journal hehe. I still think this design is ok, but it's so cluttered and constrained and line based! Yuck hahaha. Makes me really glad I went open-space oriented for my new one. Thanks for the ideas and HTML/CSS Chris & Shay :D
Wednesday, 29 August 2007, 12:30 +0800 GMT
I just swung past this site for fun after not posting anything for over three weeks. I've been spending heaps of time updating my other site, my JET journal, rather than this one. It struck me as soon as this site loaded, how fugly it is. At least, compared to my JET journal hehe. I still think this design is ok, but it's so cluttered and constrained and line based! Yuck hahaha. Makes me really glad I went open-space oriented for my new one. Thanks for the ideas and HTML/CSS Chris & Shay :D
Leaving Behind
Sunday, 29 July 2007, 02:50 +0800 GMT
I guess it finally hit me today exactly what I'm leaving behind here. Hmmm, that isn't quite true. It's complicated. It's more like a combination of what I'm leaving behind in terms of what I experience in my life normally, plus what I've experienced recently. Let me explain that ridiculous sounding statement, hehe. I often claimed I didn't think I'd have any problems leaving my life here to go on JET. I never really thought I had much here, to be honest. I doubted friendships, burnt myself out at work and generally didn't enjoy my life a great amount. So JET was somewhat of an escape from my own less than exciting life, albeit a life where most of the pain was very much of my own creation. Having made up my mind to leave and with that departure rapidly approaching, my life has somewhat morphed into something so much more enjoyable. My going away party was an example of this - catching up with so many people that in the height of my self-inflicted pain I had shied away from. Actually realising that people were coming to see me because they wanted to see me, because I am normal and because they are my friends.
And I realised it's a double edged sword. The reason why I'm so happy at the moment is purely because I'm leaving - if I hadn't been leaving, I wouldn't have felt or experienced all of this, and I'd still be in my emo 'everyone hates me' mood. The discovery of newfound friendship amongst some people I'd 'known' for years and the forging of new friendships with a few new people I'd met as a direct result of being involved in JET simply wouldn't have happened. So, what will I miss? I will miss the way I feel right now, resulting from the things that happened only because I'm leaving. And flowing on from this, I will miss the people I rediscovered as a result of leaving. Realising that these people do care about me and that I/we am/are normal, whereas before I couldn't see that. Ironic, isn't it.
Sunday, 29 July 2007, 02:50 +0800 GMT
I guess it finally hit me today exactly what I'm leaving behind here. Hmmm, that isn't quite true. It's complicated. It's more like a combination of what I'm leaving behind in terms of what I experience in my life normally, plus what I've experienced recently. Let me explain that ridiculous sounding statement, hehe. I often claimed I didn't think I'd have any problems leaving my life here to go on JET. I never really thought I had much here, to be honest. I doubted friendships, burnt myself out at work and generally didn't enjoy my life a great amount. So JET was somewhat of an escape from my own less than exciting life, albeit a life where most of the pain was very much of my own creation. Having made up my mind to leave and with that departure rapidly approaching, my life has somewhat morphed into something so much more enjoyable. My going away party was an example of this - catching up with so many people that in the height of my self-inflicted pain I had shied away from. Actually realising that people were coming to see me because they wanted to see me, because I am normal and because they are my friends.
And I realised it's a double edged sword. The reason why I'm so happy at the moment is purely because I'm leaving - if I hadn't been leaving, I wouldn't have felt or experienced all of this, and I'd still be in my emo 'everyone hates me' mood. The discovery of newfound friendship amongst some people I'd 'known' for years and the forging of new friendships with a few new people I'd met as a direct result of being involved in JET simply wouldn't have happened. So, what will I miss? I will miss the way I feel right now, resulting from the things that happened only because I'm leaving. And flowing on from this, I will miss the people I rediscovered as a result of leaving. Realising that these people do care about me and that I/we am/are normal, whereas before I couldn't see that. Ironic, isn't it.
JET Going Away Party
Sunday, 29 July 2007, 03:30 +0800 GMT
I had my JET 'going away' party today at my house, it was pretty good fun! I invited quite a few people from work, uni and high school, although it was mainly my uni friends who turned up. One of them brought his Wii with him which provided hours of entertainment hehe. A couple of work colleagues dropped in, which was great. Especially one of my seniors who I hadn't seen since I left almost a month ago, and have a good working relationship with. Thinking back over the night, we didn't really do all that much hehe. The first three people rocked up at about 3pm (oh my god, yes, on time!!) and it pretty much went from there. We chatted a bit, ate craploads of food, played some Wii and then most of the others arrived. From there we started drinking, eating more and branching off to do our own thing. I spent some time in my room with various people, looking at crazy random shit on YouTube and looking at/talking about web design and so on. It was very enjoyable hehe. The Wii was used almost the whole time, I think, and towards the end of the night people started playing Scrabble. I sorta hung around talking to people and playing a little on my shiny new Nintendo DS. Then it was 12:30am and everyone was leaving. Still, 9 hours is a good run :) I was glad to see everyone again, even though I didn't get to see everyone all that much and many people I had wanted to see didn't really end up turning up. Still, overall, a great night! Hopefully one I will remember for some time, as I don't know when I will have the opportunity to forge new memories with these people, who mean so much to me.
Sunday, 29 July 2007, 03:30 +0800 GMT
I had my JET 'going away' party today at my house, it was pretty good fun! I invited quite a few people from work, uni and high school, although it was mainly my uni friends who turned up. One of them brought his Wii with him which provided hours of entertainment hehe. A couple of work colleagues dropped in, which was great. Especially one of my seniors who I hadn't seen since I left almost a month ago, and have a good working relationship with. Thinking back over the night, we didn't really do all that much hehe. The first three people rocked up at about 3pm (oh my god, yes, on time!!) and it pretty much went from there. We chatted a bit, ate craploads of food, played some Wii and then most of the others arrived. From there we started drinking, eating more and branching off to do our own thing. I spent some time in my room with various people, looking at crazy random shit on YouTube and looking at/talking about web design and so on. It was very enjoyable hehe. The Wii was used almost the whole time, I think, and towards the end of the night people started playing Scrabble. I sorta hung around talking to people and playing a little on my shiny new Nintendo DS. Then it was 12:30am and everyone was leaving. Still, 9 hours is a good run :) I was glad to see everyone again, even though I didn't get to see everyone all that much and many people I had wanted to see didn't really end up turning up. Still, overall, a great night! Hopefully one I will remember for some time, as I don't know when I will have the opportunity to forge new memories with these people, who mean so much to me.
Departure #1
Friday, 20 July 2007, 23:57 +0800 GMT
With sudden decisiveness, one of my uni friends walked away for the final time towards the departure gates at the international airport. After a massive caught-by-surprise group hug, of course :) It was strange seeing him go. We'd kinda grown apart over the past year or so but were still definitely friends, just friends that didn't see each other much. Guess we both let each other down there, although it's probably me and my moods more to blame than anything. Thing is, he's leaving for good. Off to work in the US, from where it's unlikely he'll ever return on a permanent basis. Why would you, after working in the country where software engineering is king dingaling, at least compared to here. That's not even mentioning the pay, hehe. Bit of a change, I guess. First time I think someone from our relatively tight-knit bunch of uni friends has left. He was well liked in the group and knew most people pretty well, so I suppose you could say it was a pretty big hit to us all. That's why we were all there at the airport. The mood was happy though, thankfully. It would have been terrible if we'd all just moped around or gotten too emotional or all that shit. His cousin and mum did, but that's to be expected I think. His cousin lived with him and was almost a sister to him, and he is an only child. So it's natural for them to take it so roughly. I don't fully understand why people get so upset when people leave. I used to, but now it doesn't affect me as much. As I said, he's going 'forever' so I doubt we'll see him again very often. Hopefully we will catch up in person in the future though. With Internet the way it is, despite the 12+ hour time difference (which totally sucks) I think we're sure to stay in touch with him. Perhaps the fact we grew apart a bit helped me out here too, if it was my best friend leaving I'd be pretty devestated. Anyway, he is now off on his adventure and I wish him well. I think he will have many exciting times ahead of him in the US.
Friday, 20 July 2007, 23:57 +0800 GMT
With sudden decisiveness, one of my uni friends walked away for the final time towards the departure gates at the international airport. After a massive caught-by-surprise group hug, of course :) It was strange seeing him go. We'd kinda grown apart over the past year or so but were still definitely friends, just friends that didn't see each other much. Guess we both let each other down there, although it's probably me and my moods more to blame than anything. Thing is, he's leaving for good. Off to work in the US, from where it's unlikely he'll ever return on a permanent basis. Why would you, after working in the country where software engineering is king dingaling, at least compared to here. That's not even mentioning the pay, hehe. Bit of a change, I guess. First time I think someone from our relatively tight-knit bunch of uni friends has left. He was well liked in the group and knew most people pretty well, so I suppose you could say it was a pretty big hit to us all. That's why we were all there at the airport. The mood was happy though, thankfully. It would have been terrible if we'd all just moped around or gotten too emotional or all that shit. His cousin and mum did, but that's to be expected I think. His cousin lived with him and was almost a sister to him, and he is an only child. So it's natural for them to take it so roughly. I don't fully understand why people get so upset when people leave. I used to, but now it doesn't affect me as much. As I said, he's going 'forever' so I doubt we'll see him again very often. Hopefully we will catch up in person in the future though. With Internet the way it is, despite the 12+ hour time difference (which totally sucks) I think we're sure to stay in touch with him. Perhaps the fact we grew apart a bit helped me out here too, if it was my best friend leaving I'd be pretty devestated. Anyway, he is now off on his adventure and I wish him well. I think he will have many exciting times ahead of him in the US.