My First Girlfriend, Yatta!
Thursday, 11 October 2007, 20:53 +0800 GMT
I can't tell you how long I've been waiting to write this post. Well, I can, actually, but it's a figure of speech designed to emphasise how happy I am to be here now, writing it! To sum it all up nice and simply, I finally met my first girlfriend. It feels kind of strange, to finally have a girlfriend. Besides the wonderful feeling and massive sense of relief, that is, hehe. For many, many years I felt that a girlfriend was all that I was missing in life, and in hindsight, I think I was correct. It's lovely to have one - I do feel that my life is more whole now, somehow. Thinking back, it has been such a long road to get to here. We hooked up a few days after my 24th birthday. So I'd say I'm a bit of a 'late bloomer'! There's a bit of a long story behind such a late start, as you can imagine. I won't bore you with it, but I will distill it into a few phrases though, as follows. "Low self confidence due to being bullied and overweight in school", "Struggling to get over a useless primary/high school crush that plagued me for 7 years", "Getting my first real female friend in university" and "Being ultra conservative". Hahaha. What a loser :D
But focusing on the positives, I got a lot better. When I started my job in the Real World I began to work things out a lot more. You have to, there's no room for a female-shy auditor in a large global auditing firm. You get over it or get out. I chose to get over it. Gradually I made female friends and generally got more used to dealing with women. It sounds ridiculous, and in some ways, it is. But I couldn't help the way I was - I could only take steps to change it. To simplify it, it's really all down to learning to a) building confidence in yourself and b) dealing with the male hormones that tell you, for no rational reason at all, that you're attracted to various women. Once you get that down, things get a bit easier.
I was still not all that great through my first and second year, although I did come close to getting involved with one girl. That died down in the end, mainly because I couldn't decide what to do. I was very unsure of myself and didn't want to start something if I wasn't 100% sure it'd work out ok. That's typical me, going for perfection from the very start. Guess I learnt that it's not possible hehe. Like my friend always said, think about whether you're likely to be happy with this person in a few years, and go from there. Don't take it too seriously. Bloody good advice. As I started my third year, I found I had two 'wingmen' in the department - two other guys who were rapidly discovering themselves as well and getting out there to explore. It was very confidence bolstering and we had heaps of good chats about various things. Guess it's a big topic for single guys our age. Still, despite all of that, I didn't have any luck. Not surprising, really. I really didn't know that many girls, and the ones I did know knew me back when I was less confident. And I think I was still really uptight and conservative. Some people would say picky, but that's not quite true. It was more just that I could never tell if I really liked the girl 100% and if I really thought it would turn out well in the long run. I suppose I was thinking entirely long term, i.e. marrying the first girl I went out with. Not such a good idea because the pressure on you to find the right girl is so intense you just can't be sure if the girls you meet are going to be right, so you end up doing nothing and hence end up with nobody!
So how did all of this change, for me? Perhaps not in the way you might think, hehe. Before I left for Japan, I started to feel more confident. I took leadership at times I wouldn't have before. I developed a positive attitude and a happier outlook on life. I felt strong and confident, adventuring off into the unknown in a country I loved. Who could feel sad at a time like that! This continued into my meetings with the other Perth JETs, and from there, into my time in Tokyo for JET Orientation. And I noticed the effect on the people around me. People wanted to talk to me, hang out with me. I could see they respected me more, and enjoyed being around me. Vastly different to my previous life where I was always the quiet conservative guy looking for someone to talk deep and meaningful with, one-on-one. Both are good, but it was nice to be the leader, the life of the party, or at least a normal member of a party haha. So that was a graet step to solving the confidence problem.
From there I would be so bold as to say it was a matter of time, really. I was interested in a JET who I saw quite a bit of, and she seemed interested too. We began to get a little closer but despite the changes in me, my perception of how women feel about me didn't improve hahaha. I got mixed signals and wasn't entirely sure what to do. Did I still worry about the future? Yes, very much. And I think it stopped me making a positive, final move. Was this girl really, really right? Would I like her enough to get married to her eventually? I didn't know. So I suppose I just didn't know what to do and piss-farted around the issue for a while. Eventually I would have made a call to back off or go all in. But it turned out I didn't need to, because I met my current girlfriend.
I'm so grateful for the situation that I ended up in with her, that started everything off, because without it I doubt I would have progressed with her either. I think my learning about relationships and women increased about 100% in 4 hours haha. The story goes that I wanted a certain very rare type of beer. Haha how good a start to a new relationship is that! :P So this beer, it's really hard to find. The only place I know I can get it is an Irish Pub in Kyoto. It just so happened I was in Kyoto, so I decided to wander in to enjoy a quiet few! As soon as I wandered in, I spotted a girl working behind the bar that I'd met last time I came to Japan, in April this year. She vaguely recognised me and asked my name, then seemed to remember once I said it. I didn't pick up any vibes that she was interested at this point, but as I sat at the bar and we drank the beer together (as an 'old friend', I shouted her a drink!), we had a great time exchanging news. It turned out that she had broken up with her old boyfriend, who I'd also met last time I was in Kyoto. I was sad about this, because she had obviously been hurt by it. I thought back to when I'd met her before, and remembered how nice I had thought she was at the time. It hadn't gone any further than that because she had a boyfriend, but I do recall her giving me some of the 'looks' that many Japanese women give me hehe.
As the night went on, I think it was her who started taking it in 'that' direction. She'd give me these looks that not even I could misinterpret, and towards the end of her shift when the pub quietened down, came out to sit next to me and talk. I was into her, so putting my miniscule knowledge to work and flexing as much of my new confidence as I could, I managed to get my hand up onto her shoulder and onto her hands at convenient moments. As she finished work, I mustered everything I could and asked if she'd like to go out somewhere in Kyoto afterwards. She said yes, and so we headed, for want of anywhere better to go, to the bank of the Kamogawa river. That's where it all happened and something in me finally kicked in and told me what to do, as a man interested in a woman. I think I finally got enough experience points through coming back to Japan on the JET Program to level up sufficiently in 'normal human male', so that I could read her body language and realise I should be doing something rather than just sitting there hehe. After that, it was easy, really! We arranged to meet again to get to know each other, and went from there. I couldn't be happier :)
Thursday, 11 October 2007, 20:53 +0800 GMT
I can't tell you how long I've been waiting to write this post. Well, I can, actually, but it's a figure of speech designed to emphasise how happy I am to be here now, writing it! To sum it all up nice and simply, I finally met my first girlfriend. It feels kind of strange, to finally have a girlfriend. Besides the wonderful feeling and massive sense of relief, that is, hehe. For many, many years I felt that a girlfriend was all that I was missing in life, and in hindsight, I think I was correct. It's lovely to have one - I do feel that my life is more whole now, somehow. Thinking back, it has been such a long road to get to here. We hooked up a few days after my 24th birthday. So I'd say I'm a bit of a 'late bloomer'! There's a bit of a long story behind such a late start, as you can imagine. I won't bore you with it, but I will distill it into a few phrases though, as follows. "Low self confidence due to being bullied and overweight in school", "Struggling to get over a useless primary/high school crush that plagued me for 7 years", "Getting my first real female friend in university" and "Being ultra conservative". Hahaha. What a loser :D
But focusing on the positives, I got a lot better. When I started my job in the Real World I began to work things out a lot more. You have to, there's no room for a female-shy auditor in a large global auditing firm. You get over it or get out. I chose to get over it. Gradually I made female friends and generally got more used to dealing with women. It sounds ridiculous, and in some ways, it is. But I couldn't help the way I was - I could only take steps to change it. To simplify it, it's really all down to learning to a) building confidence in yourself and b) dealing with the male hormones that tell you, for no rational reason at all, that you're attracted to various women. Once you get that down, things get a bit easier.
I was still not all that great through my first and second year, although I did come close to getting involved with one girl. That died down in the end, mainly because I couldn't decide what to do. I was very unsure of myself and didn't want to start something if I wasn't 100% sure it'd work out ok. That's typical me, going for perfection from the very start. Guess I learnt that it's not possible hehe. Like my friend always said, think about whether you're likely to be happy with this person in a few years, and go from there. Don't take it too seriously. Bloody good advice. As I started my third year, I found I had two 'wingmen' in the department - two other guys who were rapidly discovering themselves as well and getting out there to explore. It was very confidence bolstering and we had heaps of good chats about various things. Guess it's a big topic for single guys our age. Still, despite all of that, I didn't have any luck. Not surprising, really. I really didn't know that many girls, and the ones I did know knew me back when I was less confident. And I think I was still really uptight and conservative. Some people would say picky, but that's not quite true. It was more just that I could never tell if I really liked the girl 100% and if I really thought it would turn out well in the long run. I suppose I was thinking entirely long term, i.e. marrying the first girl I went out with. Not such a good idea because the pressure on you to find the right girl is so intense you just can't be sure if the girls you meet are going to be right, so you end up doing nothing and hence end up with nobody!
So how did all of this change, for me? Perhaps not in the way you might think, hehe. Before I left for Japan, I started to feel more confident. I took leadership at times I wouldn't have before. I developed a positive attitude and a happier outlook on life. I felt strong and confident, adventuring off into the unknown in a country I loved. Who could feel sad at a time like that! This continued into my meetings with the other Perth JETs, and from there, into my time in Tokyo for JET Orientation. And I noticed the effect on the people around me. People wanted to talk to me, hang out with me. I could see they respected me more, and enjoyed being around me. Vastly different to my previous life where I was always the quiet conservative guy looking for someone to talk deep and meaningful with, one-on-one. Both are good, but it was nice to be the leader, the life of the party, or at least a normal member of a party haha. So that was a graet step to solving the confidence problem.
From there I would be so bold as to say it was a matter of time, really. I was interested in a JET who I saw quite a bit of, and she seemed interested too. We began to get a little closer but despite the changes in me, my perception of how women feel about me didn't improve hahaha. I got mixed signals and wasn't entirely sure what to do. Did I still worry about the future? Yes, very much. And I think it stopped me making a positive, final move. Was this girl really, really right? Would I like her enough to get married to her eventually? I didn't know. So I suppose I just didn't know what to do and piss-farted around the issue for a while. Eventually I would have made a call to back off or go all in. But it turned out I didn't need to, because I met my current girlfriend.
I'm so grateful for the situation that I ended up in with her, that started everything off, because without it I doubt I would have progressed with her either. I think my learning about relationships and women increased about 100% in 4 hours haha. The story goes that I wanted a certain very rare type of beer. Haha how good a start to a new relationship is that! :P So this beer, it's really hard to find. The only place I know I can get it is an Irish Pub in Kyoto. It just so happened I was in Kyoto, so I decided to wander in to enjoy a quiet few! As soon as I wandered in, I spotted a girl working behind the bar that I'd met last time I came to Japan, in April this year. She vaguely recognised me and asked my name, then seemed to remember once I said it. I didn't pick up any vibes that she was interested at this point, but as I sat at the bar and we drank the beer together (as an 'old friend', I shouted her a drink!), we had a great time exchanging news. It turned out that she had broken up with her old boyfriend, who I'd also met last time I was in Kyoto. I was sad about this, because she had obviously been hurt by it. I thought back to when I'd met her before, and remembered how nice I had thought she was at the time. It hadn't gone any further than that because she had a boyfriend, but I do recall her giving me some of the 'looks' that many Japanese women give me hehe.
As the night went on, I think it was her who started taking it in 'that' direction. She'd give me these looks that not even I could misinterpret, and towards the end of her shift when the pub quietened down, came out to sit next to me and talk. I was into her, so putting my miniscule knowledge to work and flexing as much of my new confidence as I could, I managed to get my hand up onto her shoulder and onto her hands at convenient moments. As she finished work, I mustered everything I could and asked if she'd like to go out somewhere in Kyoto afterwards. She said yes, and so we headed, for want of anywhere better to go, to the bank of the Kamogawa river. That's where it all happened and something in me finally kicked in and told me what to do, as a man interested in a woman. I think I finally got enough experience points through coming back to Japan on the JET Program to level up sufficiently in 'normal human male', so that I could read her body language and realise I should be doing something rather than just sitting there hehe. After that, it was easy, really! We arranged to meet again to get to know each other, and went from there. I couldn't be happier :)
OMG This Site is Fugly!
Wednesday, 29 August 2007, 12:30 +0800 GMT
I just swung past this site for fun after not posting anything for over three weeks. I've been spending heaps of time updating my other site, my JET journal, rather than this one. It struck me as soon as this site loaded, how fugly it is. At least, compared to my JET journal hehe. I still think this design is ok, but it's so cluttered and constrained and line based! Yuck hahaha. Makes me really glad I went open-space oriented for my new one. Thanks for the ideas and HTML/CSS Chris & Shay :D
Wednesday, 29 August 2007, 12:30 +0800 GMT
I just swung past this site for fun after not posting anything for over three weeks. I've been spending heaps of time updating my other site, my JET journal, rather than this one. It struck me as soon as this site loaded, how fugly it is. At least, compared to my JET journal hehe. I still think this design is ok, but it's so cluttered and constrained and line based! Yuck hahaha. Makes me really glad I went open-space oriented for my new one. Thanks for the ideas and HTML/CSS Chris & Shay :D
Leaving Behind
Sunday, 29 July 2007, 02:50 +0800 GMT
I guess it finally hit me today exactly what I'm leaving behind here. Hmmm, that isn't quite true. It's complicated. It's more like a combination of what I'm leaving behind in terms of what I experience in my life normally, plus what I've experienced recently. Let me explain that ridiculous sounding statement, hehe. I often claimed I didn't think I'd have any problems leaving my life here to go on JET. I never really thought I had much here, to be honest. I doubted friendships, burnt myself out at work and generally didn't enjoy my life a great amount. So JET was somewhat of an escape from my own less than exciting life, albeit a life where most of the pain was very much of my own creation. Having made up my mind to leave and with that departure rapidly approaching, my life has somewhat morphed into something so much more enjoyable. My going away party was an example of this - catching up with so many people that in the height of my self-inflicted pain I had shied away from. Actually realising that people were coming to see me because they wanted to see me, because I am normal and because they are my friends.
And I realised it's a double edged sword. The reason why I'm so happy at the moment is purely because I'm leaving - if I hadn't been leaving, I wouldn't have felt or experienced all of this, and I'd still be in my emo 'everyone hates me' mood. The discovery of newfound friendship amongst some people I'd 'known' for years and the forging of new friendships with a few new people I'd met as a direct result of being involved in JET simply wouldn't have happened. So, what will I miss? I will miss the way I feel right now, resulting from the things that happened only because I'm leaving. And flowing on from this, I will miss the people I rediscovered as a result of leaving. Realising that these people do care about me and that I/we am/are normal, whereas before I couldn't see that. Ironic, isn't it.
Sunday, 29 July 2007, 02:50 +0800 GMT
I guess it finally hit me today exactly what I'm leaving behind here. Hmmm, that isn't quite true. It's complicated. It's more like a combination of what I'm leaving behind in terms of what I experience in my life normally, plus what I've experienced recently. Let me explain that ridiculous sounding statement, hehe. I often claimed I didn't think I'd have any problems leaving my life here to go on JET. I never really thought I had much here, to be honest. I doubted friendships, burnt myself out at work and generally didn't enjoy my life a great amount. So JET was somewhat of an escape from my own less than exciting life, albeit a life where most of the pain was very much of my own creation. Having made up my mind to leave and with that departure rapidly approaching, my life has somewhat morphed into something so much more enjoyable. My going away party was an example of this - catching up with so many people that in the height of my self-inflicted pain I had shied away from. Actually realising that people were coming to see me because they wanted to see me, because I am normal and because they are my friends.
And I realised it's a double edged sword. The reason why I'm so happy at the moment is purely because I'm leaving - if I hadn't been leaving, I wouldn't have felt or experienced all of this, and I'd still be in my emo 'everyone hates me' mood. The discovery of newfound friendship amongst some people I'd 'known' for years and the forging of new friendships with a few new people I'd met as a direct result of being involved in JET simply wouldn't have happened. So, what will I miss? I will miss the way I feel right now, resulting from the things that happened only because I'm leaving. And flowing on from this, I will miss the people I rediscovered as a result of leaving. Realising that these people do care about me and that I/we am/are normal, whereas before I couldn't see that. Ironic, isn't it.
JET Going Away Party
Sunday, 29 July 2007, 03:30 +0800 GMT
I had my JET 'going away' party today at my house, it was pretty good fun! I invited quite a few people from work, uni and high school, although it was mainly my uni friends who turned up. One of them brought his Wii with him which provided hours of entertainment hehe. A couple of work colleagues dropped in, which was great. Especially one of my seniors who I hadn't seen since I left almost a month ago, and have a good working relationship with. Thinking back over the night, we didn't really do all that much hehe. The first three people rocked up at about 3pm (oh my god, yes, on time!!) and it pretty much went from there. We chatted a bit, ate craploads of food, played some Wii and then most of the others arrived. From there we started drinking, eating more and branching off to do our own thing. I spent some time in my room with various people, looking at crazy random shit on YouTube and looking at/talking about web design and so on. It was very enjoyable hehe. The Wii was used almost the whole time, I think, and towards the end of the night people started playing Scrabble. I sorta hung around talking to people and playing a little on my shiny new Nintendo DS. Then it was 12:30am and everyone was leaving. Still, 9 hours is a good run :) I was glad to see everyone again, even though I didn't get to see everyone all that much and many people I had wanted to see didn't really end up turning up. Still, overall, a great night! Hopefully one I will remember for some time, as I don't know when I will have the opportunity to forge new memories with these people, who mean so much to me.
Sunday, 29 July 2007, 03:30 +0800 GMT
I had my JET 'going away' party today at my house, it was pretty good fun! I invited quite a few people from work, uni and high school, although it was mainly my uni friends who turned up. One of them brought his Wii with him which provided hours of entertainment hehe. A couple of work colleagues dropped in, which was great. Especially one of my seniors who I hadn't seen since I left almost a month ago, and have a good working relationship with. Thinking back over the night, we didn't really do all that much hehe. The first three people rocked up at about 3pm (oh my god, yes, on time!!) and it pretty much went from there. We chatted a bit, ate craploads of food, played some Wii and then most of the others arrived. From there we started drinking, eating more and branching off to do our own thing. I spent some time in my room with various people, looking at crazy random shit on YouTube and looking at/talking about web design and so on. It was very enjoyable hehe. The Wii was used almost the whole time, I think, and towards the end of the night people started playing Scrabble. I sorta hung around talking to people and playing a little on my shiny new Nintendo DS. Then it was 12:30am and everyone was leaving. Still, 9 hours is a good run :) I was glad to see everyone again, even though I didn't get to see everyone all that much and many people I had wanted to see didn't really end up turning up. Still, overall, a great night! Hopefully one I will remember for some time, as I don't know when I will have the opportunity to forge new memories with these people, who mean so much to me.
Departure #1
Friday, 20 July 2007, 23:57 +0800 GMT
With sudden decisiveness, one of my uni friends walked away for the final time towards the departure gates at the international airport. After a massive caught-by-surprise group hug, of course :) It was strange seeing him go. We'd kinda grown apart over the past year or so but were still definitely friends, just friends that didn't see each other much. Guess we both let each other down there, although it's probably me and my moods more to blame than anything. Thing is, he's leaving for good. Off to work in the US, from where it's unlikely he'll ever return on a permanent basis. Why would you, after working in the country where software engineering is king dingaling, at least compared to here. That's not even mentioning the pay, hehe. Bit of a change, I guess. First time I think someone from our relatively tight-knit bunch of uni friends has left. He was well liked in the group and knew most people pretty well, so I suppose you could say it was a pretty big hit to us all. That's why we were all there at the airport. The mood was happy though, thankfully. It would have been terrible if we'd all just moped around or gotten too emotional or all that shit. His cousin and mum did, but that's to be expected I think. His cousin lived with him and was almost a sister to him, and he is an only child. So it's natural for them to take it so roughly. I don't fully understand why people get so upset when people leave. I used to, but now it doesn't affect me as much. As I said, he's going 'forever' so I doubt we'll see him again very often. Hopefully we will catch up in person in the future though. With Internet the way it is, despite the 12+ hour time difference (which totally sucks) I think we're sure to stay in touch with him. Perhaps the fact we grew apart a bit helped me out here too, if it was my best friend leaving I'd be pretty devestated. Anyway, he is now off on his adventure and I wish him well. I think he will have many exciting times ahead of him in the US.
Friday, 20 July 2007, 23:57 +0800 GMT
With sudden decisiveness, one of my uni friends walked away for the final time towards the departure gates at the international airport. After a massive caught-by-surprise group hug, of course :) It was strange seeing him go. We'd kinda grown apart over the past year or so but were still definitely friends, just friends that didn't see each other much. Guess we both let each other down there, although it's probably me and my moods more to blame than anything. Thing is, he's leaving for good. Off to work in the US, from where it's unlikely he'll ever return on a permanent basis. Why would you, after working in the country where software engineering is king dingaling, at least compared to here. That's not even mentioning the pay, hehe. Bit of a change, I guess. First time I think someone from our relatively tight-knit bunch of uni friends has left. He was well liked in the group and knew most people pretty well, so I suppose you could say it was a pretty big hit to us all. That's why we were all there at the airport. The mood was happy though, thankfully. It would have been terrible if we'd all just moped around or gotten too emotional or all that shit. His cousin and mum did, but that's to be expected I think. His cousin lived with him and was almost a sister to him, and he is an only child. So it's natural for them to take it so roughly. I don't fully understand why people get so upset when people leave. I used to, but now it doesn't affect me as much. As I said, he's going 'forever' so I doubt we'll see him again very often. Hopefully we will catch up in person in the future though. With Internet the way it is, despite the 12+ hour time difference (which totally sucks) I think we're sure to stay in touch with him. Perhaps the fact we grew apart a bit helped me out here too, if it was my best friend leaving I'd be pretty devestated. Anyway, he is now off on his adventure and I wish him well. I think he will have many exciting times ahead of him in the US.
Old Friend
Friday, 20 July 2007, 23:18 +0800 GMT
I bumped into an old friend a while ago and was somewhat caught by surprise at how she looked. She's changed quite a bit since I saw her last - obviously working now. She had formal business wear on and had changed the way she did her hair, into that fashionable semi-perm thing they did. I was chatting to her and looking down I couldn't help but realise she had enormous eyes for an asian, she was very beautiful. I used to be really interested in her and for a moment, looking into those eyes, I forgot why I never tried to take it any further. Then I remembered why we were just friends and I was content. It was nice to see her again, after so long.
Friday, 20 July 2007, 23:18 +0800 GMT
I bumped into an old friend a while ago and was somewhat caught by surprise at how she looked. She's changed quite a bit since I saw her last - obviously working now. She had formal business wear on and had changed the way she did her hair, into that fashionable semi-perm thing they did. I was chatting to her and looking down I couldn't help but realise she had enormous eyes for an asian, she was very beautiful. I used to be really interested in her and for a moment, looking into those eyes, I forgot why I never tried to take it any further. Then I remembered why we were just friends and I was content. It was nice to see her again, after so long.
Shock Departure @ Work
Friday, 20 July 2007, 23:36 +0800 GMT
I dropped in at work today to catch up with my two favourite senior managers for a beer. It must have looked hilarious, two mid 30s, formally dressed asian businessmen catching a drink with a casually clad mid 20s white guy. Wonder what explanations people thought up hehehe. Anyway, both of the guys looked like shit and we called it a night really early. They both have new babies and work has been tough recently, apparently, so I guess it's not surprising. Sounds like there's a whole heap of new crap at work though. Performance development system modifications that are admin intensive, high desired growth rates, pressure on chargeability and very 'driven' senior management out with something to prove at almost any cost. Kinda makes me glad I'm not there. The thing I found out tonight though that made me *very* glad I'm not there is that the only other seasoned and in practice data analyst in the division just handed in his four weeks notice. Hehehe. I wonder if the partners are worried now. They lost me, but had a nigh on duplicate with additional different skills to take over. Now he's leaving there is only one analyst left, who is out of practice and not in touch at all with the new tools or external audit data analysis requirements. Two grads have shown promise but they're far from experienced. So I think they're really going to struggle now. The guy said the partners put up a brave face, of course, and pretended it wasn't a big deal, but I think they may reconsider. He's in his mid to late 30s now and only just made it to my level. For sure, he has done many other things in life, but I think he should probably be above Senior 1. I think if they try to cut him a deal he will push for Manager rank or he will leave. I doubt he'll get it though, as it's 3 ranks above his current, which he only just moved into. Even if he had the best rating possible for his performance in FY2007, he would not have been moved up to manager, he would only have made senior 3, one below manager.
Still, his new job offer sounds exciting. The previous boss of the current partner of the division branched out into his own consulting/audit firm some time ago and basically poached my colleague based on his reputation I think. He's off to do financial modeling, IT system architecture design & construction, IT auditing and consulting work. Pretty exciting, and more in line with what he likes doing. Very neat. He also mentioned that when I get back from Japan, in August next year, he'll be at the stage where he can begin looking for new recruits himself hehehe. That's my third 'network' option I may be able to chase up if I ever decide to leave the firm. Overall, I say good on him. He's chasing something he wants to do and will probably enjoy it more than his current work. I will be very interested to see the impact on the service delivery of my old team though, with both our data skills gone.
Friday, 20 July 2007, 23:36 +0800 GMT
I dropped in at work today to catch up with my two favourite senior managers for a beer. It must have looked hilarious, two mid 30s, formally dressed asian businessmen catching a drink with a casually clad mid 20s white guy. Wonder what explanations people thought up hehehe. Anyway, both of the guys looked like shit and we called it a night really early. They both have new babies and work has been tough recently, apparently, so I guess it's not surprising. Sounds like there's a whole heap of new crap at work though. Performance development system modifications that are admin intensive, high desired growth rates, pressure on chargeability and very 'driven' senior management out with something to prove at almost any cost. Kinda makes me glad I'm not there. The thing I found out tonight though that made me *very* glad I'm not there is that the only other seasoned and in practice data analyst in the division just handed in his four weeks notice. Hehehe. I wonder if the partners are worried now. They lost me, but had a nigh on duplicate with additional different skills to take over. Now he's leaving there is only one analyst left, who is out of practice and not in touch at all with the new tools or external audit data analysis requirements. Two grads have shown promise but they're far from experienced. So I think they're really going to struggle now. The guy said the partners put up a brave face, of course, and pretended it wasn't a big deal, but I think they may reconsider. He's in his mid to late 30s now and only just made it to my level. For sure, he has done many other things in life, but I think he should probably be above Senior 1. I think if they try to cut him a deal he will push for Manager rank or he will leave. I doubt he'll get it though, as it's 3 ranks above his current, which he only just moved into. Even if he had the best rating possible for his performance in FY2007, he would not have been moved up to manager, he would only have made senior 3, one below manager.
Still, his new job offer sounds exciting. The previous boss of the current partner of the division branched out into his own consulting/audit firm some time ago and basically poached my colleague based on his reputation I think. He's off to do financial modeling, IT system architecture design & construction, IT auditing and consulting work. Pretty exciting, and more in line with what he likes doing. Very neat. He also mentioned that when I get back from Japan, in August next year, he'll be at the stage where he can begin looking for new recruits himself hehehe. That's my third 'network' option I may be able to chase up if I ever decide to leave the firm. Overall, I say good on him. He's chasing something he wants to do and will probably enjoy it more than his current work. I will be very interested to see the impact on the service delivery of my old team though, with both our data skills gone.
Charming
Thursday, 19 July 2007, 06:34 +0800 GMT
I get very reflective at 6:30am in the morning when I've been up all night. Again. Hehe. Today my reflection was self reflection, although that said, it usually is. I've been thinking about whether or not I am, or can be, charming. I've caught up with three people recently who are either new in my life or re-entering it after a long time. I wonder what they think of me. It's been so amusing meeting the three of them in such quick succession, I haven't really met anyone new or rekindled a friendship in a long time. The first one I met seemed so interested in asking me questions I could hardly get a question in edgeways, but she was also extremely interesting. The second one was happier talking about herself, so I was able to get heaps of questions in. Interestingly enough though, I ran out of things to ask and our conversation wasn't as good as with the first. Finally, it was great meeting my old friend, but again I quickly ran out of things to say. She's awesome though, she kicks my ass in terms of assertiveness. It's so nice just being able to let her worry about what we're going to do/eat.
I wonder how charming these people think I was. It's simply a random thought hehe. I recall meeting a girl from high school a year or so ago. I hadn't seen her in about 5 years and to be honest she wasn't my favourite person back in high school (very arrogant and always 'right'). But, I met her on the bus and it would have been rude not to speak to her. So, I talked to her as best I could. Towards the end, she made a remark that I was much more charming now than I was in high school. Which wouldn't have been hard, really, hehe. I felt kinda happy about that though. So overall, do I think I'm charming? No, not really. To be charming, you have to have charisma and great social eptitude and experience. I don't. I think I'm more cold and intense. I don't like new people I haven't met, because I don't trust them. So I don't open up much and come across as either closed and cold, or boring, because I won't say much. Once I'm used to someone and begin trusting them though, I do open up. So I suppose that's where my small amount of charm kicks in.
Is it enough? Well, depends, I guess. It's not enough to win me a new friend with any speed and I don't think it'll ever win over a girl's heart, but I suppose it's better than having none at all :) I like charm though, so I think I will try to develop it a bit more. Going crazy in Japan might just help there, given that white guys get at least +20 to their charisma role with most Japanese girls, w00t! =)
Thursday, 19 July 2007, 06:34 +0800 GMT
I get very reflective at 6:30am in the morning when I've been up all night. Again. Hehe. Today my reflection was self reflection, although that said, it usually is. I've been thinking about whether or not I am, or can be, charming. I've caught up with three people recently who are either new in my life or re-entering it after a long time. I wonder what they think of me. It's been so amusing meeting the three of them in such quick succession, I haven't really met anyone new or rekindled a friendship in a long time. The first one I met seemed so interested in asking me questions I could hardly get a question in edgeways, but she was also extremely interesting. The second one was happier talking about herself, so I was able to get heaps of questions in. Interestingly enough though, I ran out of things to ask and our conversation wasn't as good as with the first. Finally, it was great meeting my old friend, but again I quickly ran out of things to say. She's awesome though, she kicks my ass in terms of assertiveness. It's so nice just being able to let her worry about what we're going to do/eat.
I wonder how charming these people think I was. It's simply a random thought hehe. I recall meeting a girl from high school a year or so ago. I hadn't seen her in about 5 years and to be honest she wasn't my favourite person back in high school (very arrogant and always 'right'). But, I met her on the bus and it would have been rude not to speak to her. So, I talked to her as best I could. Towards the end, she made a remark that I was much more charming now than I was in high school. Which wouldn't have been hard, really, hehe. I felt kinda happy about that though. So overall, do I think I'm charming? No, not really. To be charming, you have to have charisma and great social eptitude and experience. I don't. I think I'm more cold and intense. I don't like new people I haven't met, because I don't trust them. So I don't open up much and come across as either closed and cold, or boring, because I won't say much. Once I'm used to someone and begin trusting them though, I do open up. So I suppose that's where my small amount of charm kicks in.
Is it enough? Well, depends, I guess. It's not enough to win me a new friend with any speed and I don't think it'll ever win over a girl's heart, but I suppose it's better than having none at all :) I like charm though, so I think I will try to develop it a bit more. Going crazy in Japan might just help there, given that white guys get at least +20 to their charisma role with most Japanese girls, w00t! =)
Apathy
Thursday, 19 July 2007, 04:50 +0800 GMT
I've been struck by a strange feeling of apathy recently. It goes a long way back actually, several months even. I think the worst example of it was when I skipped my friend's wedding simply because I didn't feel like going. Since then, it's been similar for most other things - group events, random dinners and so on, I've just skipped. Do I feel bad about it? Not really. If I definitely say I'm going I probably still turn up so I haven't broken too many promises, but to get out of that easily I usually just say I might turn up and then don't. I can't figure out what has caused this in me. A lack of thirst for life, definitely. I got extremely demotivated during work over the past 2 and a half years, to the extent that I pretty much just worked, played games and slept. Work because I got paid, games because it was fun and easy (don't even need to leave my room) and sleep because I had to. Everything else got ignored. Is this normal? Definitely not. And I still can't explain it completely. I had hoped it would evapourate when I left work but it's still going strong, I've skipped gym and badminton sessions and generally been an asshole to people. But, it doesn't strike home that I'm doing anything wrong. Very bizarre. I'm just hoping that once I get to Japan I won't be like this. The enforced lack of games should help me get out a bit, as should the new culture and people to play with. I just really hope something knocks me out of this 'happy' depression, because right now my life isn't particularly impressive, and I know it, but can't change it.
Thursday, 19 July 2007, 04:50 +0800 GMT
I've been struck by a strange feeling of apathy recently. It goes a long way back actually, several months even. I think the worst example of it was when I skipped my friend's wedding simply because I didn't feel like going. Since then, it's been similar for most other things - group events, random dinners and so on, I've just skipped. Do I feel bad about it? Not really. If I definitely say I'm going I probably still turn up so I haven't broken too many promises, but to get out of that easily I usually just say I might turn up and then don't. I can't figure out what has caused this in me. A lack of thirst for life, definitely. I got extremely demotivated during work over the past 2 and a half years, to the extent that I pretty much just worked, played games and slept. Work because I got paid, games because it was fun and easy (don't even need to leave my room) and sleep because I had to. Everything else got ignored. Is this normal? Definitely not. And I still can't explain it completely. I had hoped it would evapourate when I left work but it's still going strong, I've skipped gym and badminton sessions and generally been an asshole to people. But, it doesn't strike home that I'm doing anything wrong. Very bizarre. I'm just hoping that once I get to Japan I won't be like this. The enforced lack of games should help me get out a bit, as should the new culture and people to play with. I just really hope something knocks me out of this 'happy' depression, because right now my life isn't particularly impressive, and I know it, but can't change it.
CDDB
Thursday, 19 July 2007, 01:15 +0800 GMT
I recently grabbed a whole heap of CDs I'd bought in Japan back off one of the friends I'd lent them to. As I hate carrying CDs with me, I always rip them, so got stuck into that when I got home. As a lot of these CDs were Japanese, they had Kanji or other non latin alphabet characters for some artist and track names. Which plays havoc with making useful mp3 tags, as I can't easily put the characters into the ID tags. I recalled my sister saying she just used iTunes, which usually named the tracks for you, but I severely hate iTunes. Instead, I fell back on my old trusty favourite, CDex. Totally awesome tool, but still, I was no closer to getting kanji into my tags. As I played with CDex I noticed a CDDB option and vaguely recalled what CDDB was. I had never used it before, not wanting to transmit any CD information across the Internet. Dunno why not, guess I'm a privacy Nazi. Faced with the prospect of manually naming my tracks 'Japanese Track 1' etc. again though, I decided to give it a go. I was delighted with the results - every single one of my CDs had at least one entry in the CDDB, and it downloaded the CD details including artist & track names. After configuring automatic creation of tags from these the way I liked it, I was set to go. Almost - slight problem in that CDex didn't handle the kanji, it just had gibberish. *sigh*. So I checked out the CDex website, hoping for a newer version to be out. There wasn't a stable release, but a Unicode Beta was out, so I grabbed that. Same great features, but it also supported kanji, for the win! So I then went ahead and ripped all my CDs, delightfully done with the assistance of CDDB. CDDB is seriously one of those things that just makes your life 2% better! Hooray and kudos to whoever conceptualised it. One example of where the world actually worked as it should.
Thursday, 19 July 2007, 01:15 +0800 GMT
I recently grabbed a whole heap of CDs I'd bought in Japan back off one of the friends I'd lent them to. As I hate carrying CDs with me, I always rip them, so got stuck into that when I got home. As a lot of these CDs were Japanese, they had Kanji or other non latin alphabet characters for some artist and track names. Which plays havoc with making useful mp3 tags, as I can't easily put the characters into the ID tags. I recalled my sister saying she just used iTunes, which usually named the tracks for you, but I severely hate iTunes. Instead, I fell back on my old trusty favourite, CDex. Totally awesome tool, but still, I was no closer to getting kanji into my tags. As I played with CDex I noticed a CDDB option and vaguely recalled what CDDB was. I had never used it before, not wanting to transmit any CD information across the Internet. Dunno why not, guess I'm a privacy Nazi. Faced with the prospect of manually naming my tracks 'Japanese Track 1' etc. again though, I decided to give it a go. I was delighted with the results - every single one of my CDs had at least one entry in the CDDB, and it downloaded the CD details including artist & track names. After configuring automatic creation of tags from these the way I liked it, I was set to go. Almost - slight problem in that CDex didn't handle the kanji, it just had gibberish. *sigh*. So I checked out the CDex website, hoping for a newer version to be out. There wasn't a stable release, but a Unicode Beta was out, so I grabbed that. Same great features, but it also supported kanji, for the win! So I then went ahead and ripped all my CDs, delightfully done with the assistance of CDDB. CDDB is seriously one of those things that just makes your life 2% better! Hooray and kudos to whoever conceptualised it. One example of where the world actually worked as it should.
Police Clearance
Wednesday, 18 July 2007, 11:18 +0800 GMT
I *finally* received my police clearance back from the AFP today. I was overjoyed and felt a weight had been lifted off me - the JET people had originally wanted it submitted by the end of May! Due to how busy I was at work and the corresponding general lack of motivation to do anything, admittedly I was rather slow on the pick up with getting it all organised, and only submitted my request for one in early June. I had hoped to have it back for the first JET meeting, but that didn't happen. I received a couple of emails about two weeks ago from the JET co-ordinator letting me know he hadn't received my clearance yet, but I managed to reassure him that it was being done and just prayed it would hurry up.
I was rather irritated with the AFP as when I submitted the application they said it took an average of 15 working days. Mine was with them for 24 working days before it was 'completed', and then once it was completed it took all of another 7 days to actually get to me. Post from one state to another in my country comes overnight, so it was probably only posted on yesterday or Monday. God knows why there was a 6 day delay in actually posting it when it was complete. Not happy. Anyway, I checked their website again and it turned out that they had suddenly (as of July 01, when they had had my application for 16 working days already) changed the average application time to 25 days. Thanks so much, buttmunches!
Anyway, it's all done now and I'm going to go running to the consulate tomorrow to submit it and get my visa all sorted out. The final piece of the puzzle completed, thank god! :)
Wednesday, 18 July 2007, 11:18 +0800 GMT
I *finally* received my police clearance back from the AFP today. I was overjoyed and felt a weight had been lifted off me - the JET people had originally wanted it submitted by the end of May! Due to how busy I was at work and the corresponding general lack of motivation to do anything, admittedly I was rather slow on the pick up with getting it all organised, and only submitted my request for one in early June. I had hoped to have it back for the first JET meeting, but that didn't happen. I received a couple of emails about two weeks ago from the JET co-ordinator letting me know he hadn't received my clearance yet, but I managed to reassure him that it was being done and just prayed it would hurry up.
I was rather irritated with the AFP as when I submitted the application they said it took an average of 15 working days. Mine was with them for 24 working days before it was 'completed', and then once it was completed it took all of another 7 days to actually get to me. Post from one state to another in my country comes overnight, so it was probably only posted on yesterday or Monday. God knows why there was a 6 day delay in actually posting it when it was complete. Not happy. Anyway, I checked their website again and it turned out that they had suddenly (as of July 01, when they had had my application for 16 working days already) changed the average application time to 25 days. Thanks so much, buttmunches!
Anyway, it's all done now and I'm going to go running to the consulate tomorrow to submit it and get my visa all sorted out. The final piece of the puzzle completed, thank god! :)
Old Internet Friend
Monday, 16 July 2007, 15:27 +0800 GMT
I met up with an old old friend recently for the first time in well over 3 years. She was definitely more an online than an in person friend, I think we met a whole 2 or 3 times the whole time we knew each other. She was one of the random girls I met on IRC back in about 2001/2002. We spent hours talking to each other about random crap and all the usual teenage things - love, relationships, etc. It was good fun and she was always someone I liked and trusted. Recently I got back in touch with her. She works nights, so me being off on unpaid leave has paid off (no pun intended) as I'm usually still up at 4:30am when she logs into MSN hehe. We've chatted a bit and generally just talked crap like the old days. At some point I said we should catch up, but her working crazy hours has meant that it's been pretty hard to do.
Anyway, I stayed up all night last night and got a message from her in the morning when she woke up. Turned out she was free until she had to work at night, so we decided to catch up for dim sum. It was good fun, had all the usuals and just talked about what we were doing and what our plans were. After, we went to this place called Icey Ice, which does plates of shaved, flavoured ice. It's actually surprisingly nice, believe it or not. It's amazing what people come up with these days hehe. After that, I walked her back to her train and went home myself. It was so nice to just do something simple with someone from years gone past. Fantastic to meet an old friend, warming to talk about old times and enjoyable just to feel connected. Oh, and of course, super to be doing all of this during 'work hours'. I felt like one of those rich people who can do whatever they want whenever they want, although of couse my bank balance and new work contract reminds me every day that I'm not hehe.
Anyway, I'm hoping to catch up with her one last time before I head off. Only just under three weeks to go now, so I'm beginning to schedule people in for final catch ups. Right this minute I don't really miss people and feel that I won't even when I'm in Japan, but I know that I will eventually. I suppose having the Internet will cut the feeling down so much but I won't be able to meet anyone on the spare of the moment any more. Mind you, I never was very sociable even when I did (and do) have the time, so we'll see.
Monday, 16 July 2007, 15:27 +0800 GMT
I met up with an old old friend recently for the first time in well over 3 years. She was definitely more an online than an in person friend, I think we met a whole 2 or 3 times the whole time we knew each other. She was one of the random girls I met on IRC back in about 2001/2002. We spent hours talking to each other about random crap and all the usual teenage things - love, relationships, etc. It was good fun and she was always someone I liked and trusted. Recently I got back in touch with her. She works nights, so me being off on unpaid leave has paid off (no pun intended) as I'm usually still up at 4:30am when she logs into MSN hehe. We've chatted a bit and generally just talked crap like the old days. At some point I said we should catch up, but her working crazy hours has meant that it's been pretty hard to do.
Anyway, I stayed up all night last night and got a message from her in the morning when she woke up. Turned out she was free until she had to work at night, so we decided to catch up for dim sum. It was good fun, had all the usuals and just talked about what we were doing and what our plans were. After, we went to this place called Icey Ice, which does plates of shaved, flavoured ice. It's actually surprisingly nice, believe it or not. It's amazing what people come up with these days hehe. After that, I walked her back to her train and went home myself. It was so nice to just do something simple with someone from years gone past. Fantastic to meet an old friend, warming to talk about old times and enjoyable just to feel connected. Oh, and of course, super to be doing all of this during 'work hours'. I felt like one of those rich people who can do whatever they want whenever they want, although of couse my bank balance and new work contract reminds me every day that I'm not hehe.
Anyway, I'm hoping to catch up with her one last time before I head off. Only just under three weeks to go now, so I'm beginning to schedule people in for final catch ups. Right this minute I don't really miss people and feel that I won't even when I'm in Japan, but I know that I will eventually. I suppose having the Internet will cut the feeling down so much but I won't be able to meet anyone on the spare of the moment any more. Mind you, I never was very sociable even when I did (and do) have the time, so we'll see.
Apostasy
Sunday, 15 July 2007, 23:19 +0800 GMT
I somehow managed to get a conversation on MSN recently onto the topic of apostasy. Big word, yes, and one I didn't know at the time. So thanks to wikipedia for helping me out with that one! Apostasy is basically when one denounces their religion. It is considered extremely bad form in most religions, and some punish it with death. I just think that's fucking stupid. These days most people are very cautious of things like cults or gangster mobs, where getting involved means you can't get out easily or alive. What they don't realise is that they should also look closer to home, because their favourite little groupy religion may also be like that. Anything that you can't easily get out of, unless it's contractual, is a real concern I think. Because the instant question is, why on earth do they not want you to leave? Why would a religious group care if you leave? Honestly? I can only think of a few reasons - because they lose tithe, because they lose 'control' of you, because you've realised some things that make you no longer believe in the figureheads of the religion (real or otherwise) they didn't want you to know about, or perhaps because they think you'll bag the religion. None of those come across to me as being valid reasons for killing someone. Another nail in the coffin of some religions, from my viewpoint.
Sunday, 15 July 2007, 23:19 +0800 GMT
I somehow managed to get a conversation on MSN recently onto the topic of apostasy. Big word, yes, and one I didn't know at the time. So thanks to wikipedia for helping me out with that one! Apostasy is basically when one denounces their religion. It is considered extremely bad form in most religions, and some punish it with death. I just think that's fucking stupid. These days most people are very cautious of things like cults or gangster mobs, where getting involved means you can't get out easily or alive. What they don't realise is that they should also look closer to home, because their favourite little groupy religion may also be like that. Anything that you can't easily get out of, unless it's contractual, is a real concern I think. Because the instant question is, why on earth do they not want you to leave? Why would a religious group care if you leave? Honestly? I can only think of a few reasons - because they lose tithe, because they lose 'control' of you, because you've realised some things that make you no longer believe in the figureheads of the religion (real or otherwise) they didn't want you to know about, or perhaps because they think you'll bag the religion. None of those come across to me as being valid reasons for killing someone. Another nail in the coffin of some religions, from my viewpoint.
Website & Perl
Friday, 13 July 2007, 15:54 +0800 GMT
I'm currently trying to finish off the scripts that generate my website and let me do Cool Stuff like add journal entries on the fly and such like. I started this project in September last year and got quite a long way with it. I did quite a bit more on it in Februrary this year when I had some time off, but haven't touched it since then. I'm having to relearn my code but it's not too bad. The worst bit, I find, is working with Perl. Now don't get me wrong, I love Perl. There are some things that plain just don't make sense to me though. Some of these are because I'm relatively new to Perl and don't really know Perl foo too well, so I'm sure there's a reason behind them. Others really don't make sense to me as a computer scientist though. An example of the latter is object handling. I hate having to do all the bless stuff and getting the class name as the first parameter of public function calls, it makes no sense to me. My friend told me it was all because new OO languages like Java do the same thing they just handle it behind the scenes for you. Whereas Perl is bastardised from a reporting and data manip language into an OO language, quite poorly it'd seem, at times. An example of something that annoys me because I don't understand it would be packages and function calls. When you call a function from within a package, it gets a different argument list to if you called it from outside the package. Outside calls cause the name of the package to be prepended to the function argument list. Very strange - it's there for a reason (OO implementation) but it's very annoying when you're not using OO. For example, I often create functions I want to use within a package and from outside the package. In these cases, to get around the irritating pre-pend I have to check whether the first argument of the call to the function is equal to __PACKAGE__, the package name. This is the same as what is prepended to the function argument list in the event of a call from outside the package. In this case, I simply 'shift' it off the argument list to get back to the same arg list I would have if it was a call to the function from within the package. I'm not even sure if this is good Perl foo, because you're going out of your way to defeat Perl's inbuilt way of behaving. I don't know. It works though, and that seems to be Perl's motto, so I think I shall keep going with it until I'm clobbered around the head by an experienced Perl programmer who Knows one of the 'More Than One Ways' to do it that is actually stylish/correct :)
Friday, 13 July 2007, 15:54 +0800 GMT
I'm currently trying to finish off the scripts that generate my website and let me do Cool Stuff like add journal entries on the fly and such like. I started this project in September last year and got quite a long way with it. I did quite a bit more on it in Februrary this year when I had some time off, but haven't touched it since then. I'm having to relearn my code but it's not too bad. The worst bit, I find, is working with Perl. Now don't get me wrong, I love Perl. There are some things that plain just don't make sense to me though. Some of these are because I'm relatively new to Perl and don't really know Perl foo too well, so I'm sure there's a reason behind them. Others really don't make sense to me as a computer scientist though. An example of the latter is object handling. I hate having to do all the bless stuff and getting the class name as the first parameter of public function calls, it makes no sense to me. My friend told me it was all because new OO languages like Java do the same thing they just handle it behind the scenes for you. Whereas Perl is bastardised from a reporting and data manip language into an OO language, quite poorly it'd seem, at times. An example of something that annoys me because I don't understand it would be packages and function calls. When you call a function from within a package, it gets a different argument list to if you called it from outside the package. Outside calls cause the name of the package to be prepended to the function argument list. Very strange - it's there for a reason (OO implementation) but it's very annoying when you're not using OO. For example, I often create functions I want to use within a package and from outside the package. In these cases, to get around the irritating pre-pend I have to check whether the first argument of the call to the function is equal to __PACKAGE__, the package name. This is the same as what is prepended to the function argument list in the event of a call from outside the package. In this case, I simply 'shift' it off the argument list to get back to the same arg list I would have if it was a call to the function from within the package. I'm not even sure if this is good Perl foo, because you're going out of your way to defeat Perl's inbuilt way of behaving. I don't know. It works though, and that seems to be Perl's motto, so I think I shall keep going with it until I'm clobbered around the head by an experienced Perl programmer who Knows one of the 'More Than One Ways' to do it that is actually stylish/correct :)
Love
Thursday, 12 July 2007, 03:06 +0800 GMT
Yet another lonely night, up at 3am thinking when I'm yet again overwhelmed by thought and emotion. Focused all on one thing - love. These days it seems to be all I think about, although differently than I used to. Back in the old days, I focused on just wanting a girl. Now, I see more. Everywhere around us, in the media, on TV, movies, music, books and so on, we're surrounded by romance. Surrounded by stories living and fictional of the interaction of people coming together as significant others. It's 'normal' to be involved in these stories and to have and experience them yourself. I haven't. In fact, I have never even been in a situation remotely like these. The closest thing was with a girl in Japan, who seemed squarely focused on bonking my brains out. Hardly 'love', at least not in an emotional or mental way.
The problem is, I feel so sad and hurt when I do see these stories. When I see friends of mine hooking up and when I watch movies where the story is all about a girl and a guy getting together. I wonder why, at almost 24 years old, I've never had any of this. Never even kissed a girl, yet alone had a first date. I try not to get down, and I realise it's just thoughts and that it's memory and not the way I have to be, but it's really really hard. What do I want? I want love. I want a story that has me as the main character. I want to find a girl and go through all the stages with her, until I finally burst into the clarity that is love for a woman. That is what I desire. I've always had roughly the same feeling about all of this, but it's only recently that it has materialised into solid thought. I think I've been too immature or too inexperienced before, and now I'm finally getting to the point where I can handle such a story.
So where's the main problem? Well, stories like this can't be created through sheer force of will. I think back and see all the possibilities for such stories that I missed when I was younger, simply through my inexperience. Do I regret this? Not really. But I do truly worry about the future. Meeting up with a friend from Melbourne recently, I realised she was for all intents and purposes everything I was looking for. Obviously, nothing could ever happen there because she's 3,000km away and with a guy already, but nonetheless it has shaken me up. It's like being shown the exit to an enormous, difficult maze. You now know what you want. But you don't know if you'll ever get it. Meeting this girl was exactly like that because everything about her just so naturally fitted with me. Now she's gone, and I don't know if I will ever find someone as good as her, with the same characteristics. Just after I said goodbye to her for potentially the last time, I swore I never would. In hindsight now with a bit more time to think reasonably, I don't know. I still doubt it. So this is what I truly fear - to never meet someone who I like as much as her, or even more generally, to never meet someone who I can love. That's a pretty scary thought, and with no better experience to base it on, it's a very valid fear.
I look around me and wonder about the people around me, how did it happen for them? Almost everyone I know is going out with someone - in fact, I think I'm the oldest single guy I know, or if not, then almost definitely the oldest guy who has never even gone out with someone. How does that happen? What did I miss in my teen years? I know I'm a long way behind with women due to various factors, but I feel I've come so far recently. I don't want to miss out on the fun of my youth. This is something I desire so much, it's the only thing missing from my life. I have a good job, a great family, money, a car, a place to live, fantastic friends, freedom and independence. I don't have love. That's all that's left.
Thursday, 12 July 2007, 03:06 +0800 GMT
Yet another lonely night, up at 3am thinking when I'm yet again overwhelmed by thought and emotion. Focused all on one thing - love. These days it seems to be all I think about, although differently than I used to. Back in the old days, I focused on just wanting a girl. Now, I see more. Everywhere around us, in the media, on TV, movies, music, books and so on, we're surrounded by romance. Surrounded by stories living and fictional of the interaction of people coming together as significant others. It's 'normal' to be involved in these stories and to have and experience them yourself. I haven't. In fact, I have never even been in a situation remotely like these. The closest thing was with a girl in Japan, who seemed squarely focused on bonking my brains out. Hardly 'love', at least not in an emotional or mental way.
The problem is, I feel so sad and hurt when I do see these stories. When I see friends of mine hooking up and when I watch movies where the story is all about a girl and a guy getting together. I wonder why, at almost 24 years old, I've never had any of this. Never even kissed a girl, yet alone had a first date. I try not to get down, and I realise it's just thoughts and that it's memory and not the way I have to be, but it's really really hard. What do I want? I want love. I want a story that has me as the main character. I want to find a girl and go through all the stages with her, until I finally burst into the clarity that is love for a woman. That is what I desire. I've always had roughly the same feeling about all of this, but it's only recently that it has materialised into solid thought. I think I've been too immature or too inexperienced before, and now I'm finally getting to the point where I can handle such a story.
So where's the main problem? Well, stories like this can't be created through sheer force of will. I think back and see all the possibilities for such stories that I missed when I was younger, simply through my inexperience. Do I regret this? Not really. But I do truly worry about the future. Meeting up with a friend from Melbourne recently, I realised she was for all intents and purposes everything I was looking for. Obviously, nothing could ever happen there because she's 3,000km away and with a guy already, but nonetheless it has shaken me up. It's like being shown the exit to an enormous, difficult maze. You now know what you want. But you don't know if you'll ever get it. Meeting this girl was exactly like that because everything about her just so naturally fitted with me. Now she's gone, and I don't know if I will ever find someone as good as her, with the same characteristics. Just after I said goodbye to her for potentially the last time, I swore I never would. In hindsight now with a bit more time to think reasonably, I don't know. I still doubt it. So this is what I truly fear - to never meet someone who I like as much as her, or even more generally, to never meet someone who I can love. That's a pretty scary thought, and with no better experience to base it on, it's a very valid fear.
I look around me and wonder about the people around me, how did it happen for them? Almost everyone I know is going out with someone - in fact, I think I'm the oldest single guy I know, or if not, then almost definitely the oldest guy who has never even gone out with someone. How does that happen? What did I miss in my teen years? I know I'm a long way behind with women due to various factors, but I feel I've come so far recently. I don't want to miss out on the fun of my youth. This is something I desire so much, it's the only thing missing from my life. I have a good job, a great family, money, a car, a place to live, fantastic friends, freedom and independence. I don't have love. That's all that's left.
JET Program Colleagues
Wednesday, 11 July 2007, 13:12 +0800 GMT
Over the last few days I've met up with two of the people from my state that I'll be going on the JET Program with in August. We all met up in late June for the first time, they seemed like a decent bunch of people. A few freaky/odd ones but mostly quite sane, really. I think it was the age factor - I was one of the youngest, which surprised me. It always struck me as a youth thing, especially for people newly graudated from uni. A lot of these JETs were 30+, however. Anyway, it turns out I knew one, a friend of a friend. So I organised to catch up with her for dinner on Monday night. It was a really great night, I felt like I kind of knew her even before I'd spoken to her much (friend of a friend thing) so I was happier than I would have been meeting a complete stranger. We had a ball over a 2 hour dinner, getting to know each other, telling stories and generally hyping each other up about the fact we were going to Japan in August! It was so nice to meet someone new (I hadn't really, for a long time) and to actually get out and get to know them one on one. Most new people I met over the past year or so were from work, where I didn't feel comfortable asking them for lunch or dinner. Hence, I didn't really get to know them too well - how can you, at work? So yes, great experience - I forgot just how much you can learn about someone simply by spending 2 hours with them, and how much fun it was.
There's a bit of a story being the other JET I caught up with. I got a call from my predecessor JET in Japan a few hours before the first meeting of all the new JETs. I found out that one of the JETs would be very near to me. In the meeting, during a quiet period where the presenter was setting something up, one of the girls behind me started talking to the other girl on her desk about where she was going to be in Japan. She replied that she was going to Ako, to which I immediately spun around and joined the conversation. I figured that because we are going to be spending the next year very close to each other that we should get to know each other a bit before we go, so we organised a lunch in the city. It was good, the conversation wasn't quite as easy as with my friend's friend from Monday but I really enjoyed getting to know my town-partner as well hehe.
So we're all going to catch up at a 'Sayonara session' held by the JET alumni here in my state this Thursday. Should be good - good alcohol, good people, good (?) karaoke - a Japanese dream come true hehe. I can't wait.
Wednesday, 11 July 2007, 13:12 +0800 GMT
Over the last few days I've met up with two of the people from my state that I'll be going on the JET Program with in August. We all met up in late June for the first time, they seemed like a decent bunch of people. A few freaky/odd ones but mostly quite sane, really. I think it was the age factor - I was one of the youngest, which surprised me. It always struck me as a youth thing, especially for people newly graudated from uni. A lot of these JETs were 30+, however. Anyway, it turns out I knew one, a friend of a friend. So I organised to catch up with her for dinner on Monday night. It was a really great night, I felt like I kind of knew her even before I'd spoken to her much (friend of a friend thing) so I was happier than I would have been meeting a complete stranger. We had a ball over a 2 hour dinner, getting to know each other, telling stories and generally hyping each other up about the fact we were going to Japan in August! It was so nice to meet someone new (I hadn't really, for a long time) and to actually get out and get to know them one on one. Most new people I met over the past year or so were from work, where I didn't feel comfortable asking them for lunch or dinner. Hence, I didn't really get to know them too well - how can you, at work? So yes, great experience - I forgot just how much you can learn about someone simply by spending 2 hours with them, and how much fun it was.
There's a bit of a story being the other JET I caught up with. I got a call from my predecessor JET in Japan a few hours before the first meeting of all the new JETs. I found out that one of the JETs would be very near to me. In the meeting, during a quiet period where the presenter was setting something up, one of the girls behind me started talking to the other girl on her desk about where she was going to be in Japan. She replied that she was going to Ako, to which I immediately spun around and joined the conversation. I figured that because we are going to be spending the next year very close to each other that we should get to know each other a bit before we go, so we organised a lunch in the city. It was good, the conversation wasn't quite as easy as with my friend's friend from Monday but I really enjoyed getting to know my town-partner as well hehe.
So we're all going to catch up at a 'Sayonara session' held by the JET alumni here in my state this Thursday. Should be good - good alcohol, good people, good (?) karaoke - a Japanese dream come true hehe. I can't wait.
Myspace & Facebook
Tuesday, 10 July 2007, 10:18 +0800 GMT
I recently decided to sign up to yet another set of online 'network' websites. I'd previously joined Multiply, Friendster and Orkut, usually because I got invitations from good friends I wanted to stay in touch with. I quickly stopped using Multiply and Orkut though, and Friendster only gets a quick check every now and then - most 'important' things like friend requests and messages generate an email which means I just check email instead of email and Friendster. My experience with them overall hasn't been great. I much prefer dynamic contact via instant messaging rather than the static profiles. There's no incentive to check them every day hehe. Anyway, a friend I knew and a crazy girl I'd met in Japan had myspace pages so I figured I'd join up to that. I did and added a few people, chatted a bit and have now settled back into normal boring network page mode. I check it every day but nothing changes, so I imagine I'll soon set up email alerts and forget about it.
Shortly after I joined myspace I got an invitation to Facebook by my JET Program predecessor. I didn't really want to join another one but figured it'd be a good way to stay in touch with her. And I suppose to be honest I always hold out hope that I might actually get contacted by an old friend or an interesting new person who is ultimately trustworthy and honourable (and maybe even female and hot, if I'm lucky, haha :D). Never stop living the dream I suppose, hehe. Anyway, Facebook is very cool because it is used heavily by the Hyogo JETs (which I will be one of come August this year) to stay in touch, organise events and so on. Totally cool, I reckon!
Tuesday, 10 July 2007, 10:18 +0800 GMT
I recently decided to sign up to yet another set of online 'network' websites. I'd previously joined Multiply, Friendster and Orkut, usually because I got invitations from good friends I wanted to stay in touch with. I quickly stopped using Multiply and Orkut though, and Friendster only gets a quick check every now and then - most 'important' things like friend requests and messages generate an email which means I just check email instead of email and Friendster. My experience with them overall hasn't been great. I much prefer dynamic contact via instant messaging rather than the static profiles. There's no incentive to check them every day hehe. Anyway, a friend I knew and a crazy girl I'd met in Japan had myspace pages so I figured I'd join up to that. I did and added a few people, chatted a bit and have now settled back into normal boring network page mode. I check it every day but nothing changes, so I imagine I'll soon set up email alerts and forget about it.
Shortly after I joined myspace I got an invitation to Facebook by my JET Program predecessor. I didn't really want to join another one but figured it'd be a good way to stay in touch with her. And I suppose to be honest I always hold out hope that I might actually get contacted by an old friend or an interesting new person who is ultimately trustworthy and honourable (and maybe even female and hot, if I'm lucky, haha :D). Never stop living the dream I suppose, hehe. Anyway, Facebook is very cool because it is used heavily by the Hyogo JETs (which I will be one of come August this year) to stay in touch, organise events and so on. Totally cool, I reckon!
Hippie Course
Sunday, 08 July 2007, 21:13 +0800 GMT
I recently took a 7 week course called Health Realisation, run by my old Wing Chun teacher. It was an interesting course, but unfortunately I didn't get any lasting effect from it. It was meant to be all about realising happiness simply through concepts and mental realisations rather than techniques. Most of what I learnt made great sense but didn't exactly change the way I look at life. Still, the learnings were useful. The course itself makes a lot of sense, and is based on several principles, including:
Sunday, 08 July 2007, 21:13 +0800 GMT
I recently took a 7 week course called Health Realisation, run by my old Wing Chun teacher. It was an interesting course, but unfortunately I didn't get any lasting effect from it. It was meant to be all about realising happiness simply through concepts and mental realisations rather than techniques. Most of what I learnt made great sense but didn't exactly change the way I look at life. Still, the learnings were useful. The course itself makes a lot of sense, and is based on several principles, including:
- Basically, thoughts create feelings, so what we think about determines how we feel about them. The common view of the world is that events happen involving us, which causes us to think certain things and then feel certain things. HR teaches that that's not really the way it is - rather, things happen to us and we can *choose* how we think about them and hence how we feel about them. Makes sense to me.
- All negative feelings arise from fear. When we are born, we fear only two things - falling over and something else that I can't remember. Remember the baby with the snake thing? Babies aren't afraid of snakes and will play with them quite happily. Therefore, most fears are learnt from parents/people around us. As such, fear is based on memory. Memories are really just past thoughts, therefore memories are also past feelings. When the brain kicks in and brings up a memory, we think about the memory and hence recall not just the thought but the feeling associated with that thought too. The key here is to be concious of this and realise that in many situations we recall memories and get 'memory attacks' - realising that we are doing this is the first step to choosing how we want to think about things rather than simply blindly feeling the way our recalled memories tell us to. Everything is a new experience we can choose to think about in the way we want, rather than living through past thoughts and feelings.
- There is a 'universal mind', in the sense that the world is designed so intricately and just 'works'. This one is really tenuous to me but the implication is, the world is designed so well that whatever designed it (the universal mind, read as God or whatever you want) simply wouldn't have wanted us to be unhappy. Therefore, in this world, we're supposed to be happy because this is the way we were designed. Being happy is our *natural* state and we want and do return to it.
- Another tenuous one, love is all you need. Not just relationship love, but love for everything around you. When you truly love things, it's a fantastic thing, and it makes many things easier. Didn't really work for me but there you go.
- Deep listening is an important skill. This isn't just your typical active listening touted in communication courses, it's more along the lines of stopping judging while you listen. Think about when someone tells you about something - you're probably thinking how it fits in with you, whether you like the person and so on. Instead of doing that, deep listening proposes that you put aside your judgements and own thoughts and truly listen to what the person is saying. Obviously it's not blind faith though, freaks are still freaks and the guy who smells like beer really is still claiming the Nazis are coming back, but it's useful for relationships, friendships and so on. It can help you get past judgement and really hear where someone is coming from. It makes listening a lot more interesting too.
- Faith, but not in the traditional sense. This one helps you through really tough patches when you are stuck. Faith is taken in HR to be an intention to head in a direction - in this case, towards happiness.
- Accepting yourself for what you are and understanding that nobody is perfect and being human means we all have our problems and simply have to accept and deal with them. The idea being, we accept who we are and in doing so, some of the problems and things we get so concerned about might actually evapourate by themselves.
Discovering What I Truly Want
Monday, 02 July 2007, 22:15 +0800 GMT
I've been thinking about what's missing from my life a lot, recently. And I realise, not much. The main two things, to put it bluntly, are love and sex hehe. Since returning from Japan, I've felt somewhat more confident about how I want to approach these two missing elements. My experience with a crazy Japanese girl while I was there taught me a lot, including that I was more naive than I thought. In what seems to be a shock to most people, I turned down an apparent no strings attached one night stand with a very attractive girl. Why? Because it didn't feel right. I've spent so much time thinking about it, wondering why I made that choice and why I didn't just go for it. In the end, I think I realised it was because I want love more than sex. Let's face it, when it comes down to it, love *needs* to have two people to work. Sex, or the closest imitation, certainly doesn't. Interestingly, my intense desire for love I think comes from the fact I see it so often. People together - they way they touch, the way they look and speak to each other. *That* is what I desire. The best thing about that in turn is that I don't think it's easy to fake. Consequently, to get to a situation like that would require a meeting of the minds and discussion, not just random physical attraction. So, no pointless sex hehe. I really don't have a problem with sex in that situation. Sex without it is pointless to me, and I think it would take me a while (weeks, months maybe?) to get to that point with a girl. Thinking about it all now, I see it so much more clearly. I'm coming from way behind, but I'm getting there, slowly! Next step - find someone I like and can approach, and see what happens hehe.
Monday, 02 July 2007, 22:15 +0800 GMT
I've been thinking about what's missing from my life a lot, recently. And I realise, not much. The main two things, to put it bluntly, are love and sex hehe. Since returning from Japan, I've felt somewhat more confident about how I want to approach these two missing elements. My experience with a crazy Japanese girl while I was there taught me a lot, including that I was more naive than I thought. In what seems to be a shock to most people, I turned down an apparent no strings attached one night stand with a very attractive girl. Why? Because it didn't feel right. I've spent so much time thinking about it, wondering why I made that choice and why I didn't just go for it. In the end, I think I realised it was because I want love more than sex. Let's face it, when it comes down to it, love *needs* to have two people to work. Sex, or the closest imitation, certainly doesn't. Interestingly, my intense desire for love I think comes from the fact I see it so often. People together - they way they touch, the way they look and speak to each other. *That* is what I desire. The best thing about that in turn is that I don't think it's easy to fake. Consequently, to get to a situation like that would require a meeting of the minds and discussion, not just random physical attraction. So, no pointless sex hehe. I really don't have a problem with sex in that situation. Sex without it is pointless to me, and I think it would take me a while (weeks, months maybe?) to get to that point with a girl. Thinking about it all now, I see it so much more clearly. I'm coming from way behind, but I'm getting there, slowly! Next step - find someone I like and can approach, and see what happens hehe.
Meeting & Observing People
Friday, 06 July 2007, 04:23 +0800 GMT
Recently I saw a movie where the main character was 'teaching' his friend about relationships. One of the things he did was point out couples and state confidently what he thought was going on there - just friends, relationship, guy wanting more but definitely in the friend zone and so on. It was interesting, and I started to think about some of the couples I'd seen recently. I have to admit I like looking at couples and trying to work out what's going on. Obviously sometimes it's really easy but sometimes it can be a real challenge. Most of the time you never end up finding out but it's just for fun, and hey, I figure I might learn something.
Friday, 06 July 2007, 04:23 +0800 GMT
Recently I saw a movie where the main character was 'teaching' his friend about relationships. One of the things he did was point out couples and state confidently what he thought was going on there - just friends, relationship, guy wanting more but definitely in the friend zone and so on. It was interesting, and I started to think about some of the couples I'd seen recently. I have to admit I like looking at couples and trying to work out what's going on. Obviously sometimes it's really easy but sometimes it can be a real challenge. Most of the time you never end up finding out but it's just for fun, and hey, I figure I might learn something.
Leaving Work
Saturday, 30 June 2007, 18:23 +0800 GMT
When I got my notice of acceptance for the JET Program, I immediately decided I would take at least a 2 week holiday between my current workplace and the JET Program. As work became increasingly distasteful in the interim, I decided to make it 5 weeks and finish up at work at the end of the 2007 financial year. This had several awesome benefits - 5 weeks of doing nothing before flying out (woohoo, I think I've earnt it after working for 2.5 years - I still miss my uni summer breaks of 3 months), no income here for the 2008 tax year and I still got promoted to Senior Advisor. Huzzah.
Anyway, on to leaving work - which was unsurprisingly easy, really. One of my good colleagues left two weeks prior to myself so we did a joint leaving drinks to which quite a few people rocked up. Three people were leaving the week I did so we had a large divisional partner approved lunch in the city, which we didn't come back from hehe. Most of the division came to that which was nice, then about 15 of us partied on until about 8:30pm. Hey, we started at 1pm, so don't think I'm too lame hehe. It was great to just have a relatively quiet one for a change, and to say goodbye to the people who really mattered to me. Aside from that it was all relatively quiet. Not many people from the division came to say goodbye directly to me, so it was very easy to just slip out the door - I guess most had seen me off at the lunch anyway.
Ironically the hardest part was actually staying away from the blasted place. I went in on the weekend after I'd left to finish cleaning up my desk (I couldn't be bothered on Friday) as well as a few last pieces of work. I ended up staying there for about 5 hours on Saturday and about 8 on Sunday. Sunday was mostly consumed with writing goodbye emails to my close colleagues, however, so not too bad! I also dropped in on Thursday to finish up a few things I'd forgotten about - expense claims, returning my laptop and so on. Thursday was also officially my last day of work. I had to burn all my paid leave before I could take unpaid, which meant I was officially still an active employee until Thursday. As of Friday, I was on unpaid leave until 25 August 2008. Great feeling! Anyway, I've finally managed to get the office out of my head and I don't go back there or crave it any more. Instead I spend all my time in my bat cave (read: room) where I play Battlefield 2 all night (which is my day, really). Life is good!
Saturday, 30 June 2007, 18:23 +0800 GMT
When I got my notice of acceptance for the JET Program, I immediately decided I would take at least a 2 week holiday between my current workplace and the JET Program. As work became increasingly distasteful in the interim, I decided to make it 5 weeks and finish up at work at the end of the 2007 financial year. This had several awesome benefits - 5 weeks of doing nothing before flying out (woohoo, I think I've earnt it after working for 2.5 years - I still miss my uni summer breaks of 3 months), no income here for the 2008 tax year and I still got promoted to Senior Advisor. Huzzah.
Anyway, on to leaving work - which was unsurprisingly easy, really. One of my good colleagues left two weeks prior to myself so we did a joint leaving drinks to which quite a few people rocked up. Three people were leaving the week I did so we had a large divisional partner approved lunch in the city, which we didn't come back from hehe. Most of the division came to that which was nice, then about 15 of us partied on until about 8:30pm. Hey, we started at 1pm, so don't think I'm too lame hehe. It was great to just have a relatively quiet one for a change, and to say goodbye to the people who really mattered to me. Aside from that it was all relatively quiet. Not many people from the division came to say goodbye directly to me, so it was very easy to just slip out the door - I guess most had seen me off at the lunch anyway.
Ironically the hardest part was actually staying away from the blasted place. I went in on the weekend after I'd left to finish cleaning up my desk (I couldn't be bothered on Friday) as well as a few last pieces of work. I ended up staying there for about 5 hours on Saturday and about 8 on Sunday. Sunday was mostly consumed with writing goodbye emails to my close colleagues, however, so not too bad! I also dropped in on Thursday to finish up a few things I'd forgotten about - expense claims, returning my laptop and so on. Thursday was also officially my last day of work. I had to burn all my paid leave before I could take unpaid, which meant I was officially still an active employee until Thursday. As of Friday, I was on unpaid leave until 25 August 2008. Great feeling! Anyway, I've finally managed to get the office out of my head and I don't go back there or crave it any more. Instead I spend all my time in my bat cave (read: room) where I play Battlefield 2 all night (which is my day, really). Life is good!
Melbourne Visit
Wednesday, 27 June 2007, 23:07 +0800 GMT
One of my colleagues from the Eastern states recently came to do some work in my city. I was in two minds about her visit, mainly because of my viewpoint that our relationship has been rather rocky. I first met her at grad camp where we seemed to get along pretty well, and spoke on instant messenger for a while after we both returned to our home cities. Then we stopped talking and did not speak for over a year. I couldn't understand why not and tried to contact her a few times, but go nothing back. So I stopped, in the end. I was very upset by it all but figured there was nothing I could do, so just got over it eventually. To hear that she was coming here caught me out and I wasn't sure what to do or feel. The fact she was actually speaking to me was enough to confuse the hell out of me, unfortunately - I was completely unprepared after having written our relationship off several months before.
After much mucking around and generally not connecting we eventually managed to catch up for dinner, just the two of us. It was so strange, she greeted me with a hug and kiss on the cheek, as if nothing had changed since grad camp. This was all despite me having convinced myself that she hated me (which she found out about and denied vehemently). So I wasn't really sure what to do. We had a pretty good time at dinner, reminiscing and talking about old times, what we were up to at the moment, where we were heading and so on. It was bittersweet for me. I was so happy to be sitting there talking to someone who I really liked and had considered a good friend before giving them up for lost. At the same time, I felt great sadness and, unfortunately, some suspicion that it was all too good to be true. Sadness because I knew she would leave so quickly and suspicion, originating from my previous thinking, that once she left it'd be back to normal with her not speaking to me again.
Perhaps the best and worst part of it was me realising that she was almost everything I look for in a woman. Strong, independent, fit, attractive, active, intelligent and wise, just the right amount of funny, charming, feminine but not cute and so on. I always struggled with this, even back in grad camp. Back then I was definitely interested to get to know her better than make a call about it, but even then I knew it could never be and wasn't worth even entertaining, as she was 3,000km away. So I put aside any feelings and decided to become good friends with her. Seeing her again that night recently I knew that I was feeling more strongly for her than friends again, but that it was never possible. So again, I put it out of my mind and kept my thoughts to friends. So I suppose what I would say is that I didn't fall for her, I fell for the idea of her or probably more accurately, what she was like. Kinda sucks really. How do you deal with the fact that the woman you like the most in life is 3,000km away, with a boyfriend, and the likelihood of you ever being with her is essentially 0. How do you approach other women when you think you've found the perfect attributes in one already that you can't have, and don't think you can ever find anyone as good as her? I'm still trying to work that part out, but I'm ever hopeful. Perhaps I'll find what I'm looking for in Japan :)
Wednesday, 27 June 2007, 23:07 +0800 GMT
One of my colleagues from the Eastern states recently came to do some work in my city. I was in two minds about her visit, mainly because of my viewpoint that our relationship has been rather rocky. I first met her at grad camp where we seemed to get along pretty well, and spoke on instant messenger for a while after we both returned to our home cities. Then we stopped talking and did not speak for over a year. I couldn't understand why not and tried to contact her a few times, but go nothing back. So I stopped, in the end. I was very upset by it all but figured there was nothing I could do, so just got over it eventually. To hear that she was coming here caught me out and I wasn't sure what to do or feel. The fact she was actually speaking to me was enough to confuse the hell out of me, unfortunately - I was completely unprepared after having written our relationship off several months before.
After much mucking around and generally not connecting we eventually managed to catch up for dinner, just the two of us. It was so strange, she greeted me with a hug and kiss on the cheek, as if nothing had changed since grad camp. This was all despite me having convinced myself that she hated me (which she found out about and denied vehemently). So I wasn't really sure what to do. We had a pretty good time at dinner, reminiscing and talking about old times, what we were up to at the moment, where we were heading and so on. It was bittersweet for me. I was so happy to be sitting there talking to someone who I really liked and had considered a good friend before giving them up for lost. At the same time, I felt great sadness and, unfortunately, some suspicion that it was all too good to be true. Sadness because I knew she would leave so quickly and suspicion, originating from my previous thinking, that once she left it'd be back to normal with her not speaking to me again.
Perhaps the best and worst part of it was me realising that she was almost everything I look for in a woman. Strong, independent, fit, attractive, active, intelligent and wise, just the right amount of funny, charming, feminine but not cute and so on. I always struggled with this, even back in grad camp. Back then I was definitely interested to get to know her better than make a call about it, but even then I knew it could never be and wasn't worth even entertaining, as she was 3,000km away. So I put aside any feelings and decided to become good friends with her. Seeing her again that night recently I knew that I was feeling more strongly for her than friends again, but that it was never possible. So again, I put it out of my mind and kept my thoughts to friends. So I suppose what I would say is that I didn't fall for her, I fell for the idea of her or probably more accurately, what she was like. Kinda sucks really. How do you deal with the fact that the woman you like the most in life is 3,000km away, with a boyfriend, and the likelihood of you ever being with her is essentially 0. How do you approach other women when you think you've found the perfect attributes in one already that you can't have, and don't think you can ever find anyone as good as her? I'm still trying to work that part out, but I'm ever hopeful. Perhaps I'll find what I'm looking for in Japan :)
JET Meeting
Friday, 22 June 2007, 23:15 +0800 GMT
So after nearly 10 months since applications opened for JET 2007, I finally met the other successful applicants from my state for the first time, tonight. There are only 22 of us from my state, ridiculously low compared to last year (half!) and the rest of my country. Apparently my country is still fielding 400+ JETs in all, and my state comprises almost 10% of the population of this country, so I'd say we're missing out! Anyway, perhaps there just weren't enough good candidates - makes me feel even luckier that I did get in.
They were a very interesting mix of people, from what I remember. More women than men, and the majority were older than I had expected. I always thought of JET as a straight-from-uni or couple-of-years-into-work kind of thing, but I'd say 80% (possibly even more) of the people I met were older than me and many of them would have been more than 30. Not that it's a problem, it was just contrary to my expectations. We didn't really have much chance to chat to each other before the lecture began, but I did speak briefly to the guy I met in the lift. I can't remember his name but he was a decent bloke, worked in the Finance department for one of my clients. As I said, didn't get long to chat before the lecture started, presented by an ex-university senior lecturer in Japanese. He presented to us on the major problems faced by Japanese learning English, and hence the major problems encountered by those teaching English in Japan. It was a fascinating look at English, Japanese and the differences. I think most people were entranced by it all. Let's face it, we can speak fluent English but it is very much everyday conversational language. The amount that we say that is, strictly speaking, wrong, is incredible. I suppose it doesn't *really* matter so long as we all understand each other, but a lack of rules or at least following of the rules increases the chances that the language will get munted as it will evolve. Still, let's not worry about that!! The lecture went horribly overtime (I got the impression he was that kind of lecturer hehe, very passionate) and I think Yuichi-sensei was too polite to interrupt him. The lecturer finally realised he had to finish though, so it was on to the most exciting part!
We had a brief introduction by Yuichi-sensei to the JET Program, and picked up a whole lot of information books. We also had to hand our passports in for visa reasons, I was a little concerned about that but I trust the Japanese Consulate. After that, it was mainly a couple of previous JETs talking about their experiences and giving advice, which was really useful. One of the JETs made us play a game as part of it, to show an example of a good classroom game. It was a useful ice breaker, and I got to know a few of the other JETs. Finally it was time for food and we could mingle with each other. Most importantly, I used the time to meet the girl I'll be going to Ako with. We'll be living 10 minutes apart so I figured I should get to know her as we'll probably be quite important to each other for at least the first few weeks, not knowing many other people. She was quite nice, so I was happy about that. We traded contact details and I walked her to her bus. Through small talk we worked out we'd been to the same high school, so trust went up a lot and we opened up. Funny, isn't it hehe. I also met some of the other JETs - a guy who seemed to be similar to me and fitted the stereotypical profile of what I expected a JET to be like and my friend's friend who is already an experienced teacher. Finally, after food and activities the co-ordinator started to go a little crazy (he's very, very amusing) so we wrapped it all up and wandered off home.
I was really happy to meet everyone and it seemed our group had a lot of good people in it, to me. I had been warned a lot of JETs were 'freaks', but I didn't get that impression about many of the people there that night. Good thing too hehe. Really looking forward to the official reception coming up soon - should be a great night.
Friday, 22 June 2007, 23:15 +0800 GMT
So after nearly 10 months since applications opened for JET 2007, I finally met the other successful applicants from my state for the first time, tonight. There are only 22 of us from my state, ridiculously low compared to last year (half!) and the rest of my country. Apparently my country is still fielding 400+ JETs in all, and my state comprises almost 10% of the population of this country, so I'd say we're missing out! Anyway, perhaps there just weren't enough good candidates - makes me feel even luckier that I did get in.
They were a very interesting mix of people, from what I remember. More women than men, and the majority were older than I had expected. I always thought of JET as a straight-from-uni or couple-of-years-into-work kind of thing, but I'd say 80% (possibly even more) of the people I met were older than me and many of them would have been more than 30. Not that it's a problem, it was just contrary to my expectations. We didn't really have much chance to chat to each other before the lecture began, but I did speak briefly to the guy I met in the lift. I can't remember his name but he was a decent bloke, worked in the Finance department for one of my clients. As I said, didn't get long to chat before the lecture started, presented by an ex-university senior lecturer in Japanese. He presented to us on the major problems faced by Japanese learning English, and hence the major problems encountered by those teaching English in Japan. It was a fascinating look at English, Japanese and the differences. I think most people were entranced by it all. Let's face it, we can speak fluent English but it is very much everyday conversational language. The amount that we say that is, strictly speaking, wrong, is incredible. I suppose it doesn't *really* matter so long as we all understand each other, but a lack of rules or at least following of the rules increases the chances that the language will get munted as it will evolve. Still, let's not worry about that!! The lecture went horribly overtime (I got the impression he was that kind of lecturer hehe, very passionate) and I think Yuichi-sensei was too polite to interrupt him. The lecturer finally realised he had to finish though, so it was on to the most exciting part!
We had a brief introduction by Yuichi-sensei to the JET Program, and picked up a whole lot of information books. We also had to hand our passports in for visa reasons, I was a little concerned about that but I trust the Japanese Consulate. After that, it was mainly a couple of previous JETs talking about their experiences and giving advice, which was really useful. One of the JETs made us play a game as part of it, to show an example of a good classroom game. It was a useful ice breaker, and I got to know a few of the other JETs. Finally it was time for food and we could mingle with each other. Most importantly, I used the time to meet the girl I'll be going to Ako with. We'll be living 10 minutes apart so I figured I should get to know her as we'll probably be quite important to each other for at least the first few weeks, not knowing many other people. She was quite nice, so I was happy about that. We traded contact details and I walked her to her bus. Through small talk we worked out we'd been to the same high school, so trust went up a lot and we opened up. Funny, isn't it hehe. I also met some of the other JETs - a guy who seemed to be similar to me and fitted the stereotypical profile of what I expected a JET to be like and my friend's friend who is already an experienced teacher. Finally, after food and activities the co-ordinator started to go a little crazy (he's very, very amusing) so we wrapped it all up and wandered off home.
I was really happy to meet everyone and it seemed our group had a lot of good people in it, to me. I had been warned a lot of JETs were 'freaks', but I didn't get that impression about many of the people there that night. Good thing too hehe. Really looking forward to the official reception coming up soon - should be a great night.
RAM Saga
Thursday, 21 June 2007, 23:15 +0800 GMT
In late 2006 one of my sticks of RAM died on me. After a while of troubleshooting I realised it was totally fried, so I contacted the local e-retailer I bought it off. They asked me to run memtest and a variety of other things, after returning the results to them they agreed I should send the RAM to them for assessment. Unfortunately for me I bought my RAM in a twin pair 'kit' - two 1GB sticks. Both had to be returned for the assessment despite the fact only one stick was dead. Which meant, my computer would be out of action for several weeks at least. I wasn't prepared to have that happen, especially as I was playing several new games and developing a new website at the time. As I figured the store now knew I was claiming the warranty and the RAM was already dead, I confirmed with them that I would put the return of the RAM off until later. Later was actually about 5 months later hehe. I just couldn't bear to live without my computer (yes, I'm an adict).
Thankfully, my holiday in Japan was the perfect opportunity as I was gone for a month. I arranged with my housemates for them to leach anything they wanted off my box in the first few days I was gone then send the RAM in to the retailer. They did, on the Thursday after I left. While I was away I got a few emails saying that their testing had revealed the RAM was actually defective (uhhhhh dir! :D), that they were contacting their suppliers for replacement and I that I should have the new RAM by the time I returned. That was in mid April. Then began an extremely long and at times heated email tag conversation between the retailer and I. It turned out that because the RAM was DDR it was basically dead to the manufacturer, who didn't make much (if any!) of it any more. Now the retailer neglected to tell me this. Instead, about 5 weeks after the RAM was sent to them, I sent them an email asking what the hell was going on. I was extremely annoyed as I figured a delay like this warranted them informing me, as I had returned from Japan and my computer was still dead.
For the next few weeks I bugged them constantly about it, asking them all the time if there was anything I could do to speed things up. They just said their supplier couldn't get even an ETA on the RAM, but did stock the model down. They offered this as a replacement instead of my original RAM, which I declined on principle. If I have model Y I don't it replaced by model X - I want and deserve model Y. Although in hindsight, especially knowing the pain that refusal would cause later, I should have just taken it. It was identical in performance, just didn't have pretty LED lights on top to indicate RAM usage. Anyway, after refusing that and still not getting clear answers on when the hell I would get my RAM, eventually I snapped and asked for alternate solutions. To which I got a rather terse email back suggesting a few ridiculous alternatives, and stating that I should come up with alternatives myself. Rather than get infuriated at their arrogance and poor attitude, I decided I would. The suggested alternatives were pathetic. There was another type of RAM from a manufacturer I hadn't heard of, which they claimed was 'better'. The *only* thing better about it was the speed, which didn't help me anyway because my motherboard was 400MHz and my old RAM was specially chosen to match that - the new RAM was 500MHz so the extra speed wouldn't have helped anyway. I flatly refused.
I didn't hear anything back so started researching the RAM and trying to find a store that stocked it. Eventually I did and emailed them to confirm if they actually had any on hand. I wrote to my retailer telling them I would buy the RAM and they could re-imburse me. They were not happy about this and came out with some even more pathetic alternatives than before as the 'only' remaining alternatives. These included store credit or cash refund, for ridiculous amounts. The RAM was worth well over $100 more than they were prepared to give me. Again, I refused. At this point I was screeching with rage at the difficulty of this thing. It was now over 2 months that I had been without RAM. I wrote immediately back to them demanding that they return my RAM, as I would now take the issue up directly with the manufacturer. This caught them out, I think, and put them on the back foot. They couldn't return my RAM to me as they had already sent it off to the manufacturer. Big black mark. Suddenly I was being called up with the great suggestion that they give me the model down with the cash difference between it and my original model - who would have thought!
So to cut a long story short, eventually a package rocked up at my desk at work and in it were the two shiny new sticks of RAM. I was overjoyed, and immediately installed them when I got home that night. Admittedly and ironically, I didn't want to use my new computer again hehe. I had fired up my old one and gotten used to it, and had downloaded/installed a lot of stuff on it to make it useable again. It was kinda sad to shut it down again, but I eventually did it. The network hepled a lot as I just moved entire directories from the old computer to the new and sorted it out from there - instant old computer on new, *grins*.
So how do I feel about this whole experience? Negatively, really. Obviously I'm very happy I got my RAM, but I'm extremely disappointed it took 2.5 months to do it. So who do I place my anger on? Originally, it was with the retailer for not keeping me up to date, being inflexible and at times arrogant and unhelpful. This then partially moved to their suppliers as they were not being able to give the retailer an ETA. But I realised in the end that although much of my irritation towards the retailer was founded, my irritation with the suppliers was not - it was the manufacturer I should be directing it all at. They are the ones who couldn't replace their own fucking product, and who wouldn't help clean up the mess. I obviously don't know the whole discussion between them, the supplier and the retailer, but for fuck's sake, if you get a warranty claim then you either exchange the product or refund the god damned money. How hard is it? Why should the consumer have to chase the retailer to chase the supplier to chase the manufacturer for the warranty? The further down it goes, the less people give a shit because it's not as much 'their problem'.
Anyway, I will not be using the retailer again and may think twice about the manufacturer. To the credit of the retailer, they did put up with a lot of my shit (not returning the RAM, bugging them constantly etc.) and in general were very responsive and adequately helpful. So I do thank them. I still won't use them again, but that's not really their fault - they should be taking that up with the manufacturer for letting them down, which in turn damaged them in my eyes even though I know it wasn't really their fault. If I claim a warranty, I expect it to be near on instant, not several months. Anyway, my first experience with warranties - let's hope it doesn't bode for the future hehe. I'm just glad I have my RAM back now!
Thursday, 21 June 2007, 23:15 +0800 GMT
In late 2006 one of my sticks of RAM died on me. After a while of troubleshooting I realised it was totally fried, so I contacted the local e-retailer I bought it off. They asked me to run memtest and a variety of other things, after returning the results to them they agreed I should send the RAM to them for assessment. Unfortunately for me I bought my RAM in a twin pair 'kit' - two 1GB sticks. Both had to be returned for the assessment despite the fact only one stick was dead. Which meant, my computer would be out of action for several weeks at least. I wasn't prepared to have that happen, especially as I was playing several new games and developing a new website at the time. As I figured the store now knew I was claiming the warranty and the RAM was already dead, I confirmed with them that I would put the return of the RAM off until later. Later was actually about 5 months later hehe. I just couldn't bear to live without my computer (yes, I'm an adict).
Thankfully, my holiday in Japan was the perfect opportunity as I was gone for a month. I arranged with my housemates for them to leach anything they wanted off my box in the first few days I was gone then send the RAM in to the retailer. They did, on the Thursday after I left. While I was away I got a few emails saying that their testing had revealed the RAM was actually defective (uhhhhh dir! :D), that they were contacting their suppliers for replacement and I that I should have the new RAM by the time I returned. That was in mid April. Then began an extremely long and at times heated email tag conversation between the retailer and I. It turned out that because the RAM was DDR it was basically dead to the manufacturer, who didn't make much (if any!) of it any more. Now the retailer neglected to tell me this. Instead, about 5 weeks after the RAM was sent to them, I sent them an email asking what the hell was going on. I was extremely annoyed as I figured a delay like this warranted them informing me, as I had returned from Japan and my computer was still dead.
For the next few weeks I bugged them constantly about it, asking them all the time if there was anything I could do to speed things up. They just said their supplier couldn't get even an ETA on the RAM, but did stock the model down. They offered this as a replacement instead of my original RAM, which I declined on principle. If I have model Y I don't it replaced by model X - I want and deserve model Y. Although in hindsight, especially knowing the pain that refusal would cause later, I should have just taken it. It was identical in performance, just didn't have pretty LED lights on top to indicate RAM usage. Anyway, after refusing that and still not getting clear answers on when the hell I would get my RAM, eventually I snapped and asked for alternate solutions. To which I got a rather terse email back suggesting a few ridiculous alternatives, and stating that I should come up with alternatives myself. Rather than get infuriated at their arrogance and poor attitude, I decided I would. The suggested alternatives were pathetic. There was another type of RAM from a manufacturer I hadn't heard of, which they claimed was 'better'. The *only* thing better about it was the speed, which didn't help me anyway because my motherboard was 400MHz and my old RAM was specially chosen to match that - the new RAM was 500MHz so the extra speed wouldn't have helped anyway. I flatly refused.
I didn't hear anything back so started researching the RAM and trying to find a store that stocked it. Eventually I did and emailed them to confirm if they actually had any on hand. I wrote to my retailer telling them I would buy the RAM and they could re-imburse me. They were not happy about this and came out with some even more pathetic alternatives than before as the 'only' remaining alternatives. These included store credit or cash refund, for ridiculous amounts. The RAM was worth well over $100 more than they were prepared to give me. Again, I refused. At this point I was screeching with rage at the difficulty of this thing. It was now over 2 months that I had been without RAM. I wrote immediately back to them demanding that they return my RAM, as I would now take the issue up directly with the manufacturer. This caught them out, I think, and put them on the back foot. They couldn't return my RAM to me as they had already sent it off to the manufacturer. Big black mark. Suddenly I was being called up with the great suggestion that they give me the model down with the cash difference between it and my original model - who would have thought!
So to cut a long story short, eventually a package rocked up at my desk at work and in it were the two shiny new sticks of RAM. I was overjoyed, and immediately installed them when I got home that night. Admittedly and ironically, I didn't want to use my new computer again hehe. I had fired up my old one and gotten used to it, and had downloaded/installed a lot of stuff on it to make it useable again. It was kinda sad to shut it down again, but I eventually did it. The network hepled a lot as I just moved entire directories from the old computer to the new and sorted it out from there - instant old computer on new, *grins*.
So how do I feel about this whole experience? Negatively, really. Obviously I'm very happy I got my RAM, but I'm extremely disappointed it took 2.5 months to do it. So who do I place my anger on? Originally, it was with the retailer for not keeping me up to date, being inflexible and at times arrogant and unhelpful. This then partially moved to their suppliers as they were not being able to give the retailer an ETA. But I realised in the end that although much of my irritation towards the retailer was founded, my irritation with the suppliers was not - it was the manufacturer I should be directing it all at. They are the ones who couldn't replace their own fucking product, and who wouldn't help clean up the mess. I obviously don't know the whole discussion between them, the supplier and the retailer, but for fuck's sake, if you get a warranty claim then you either exchange the product or refund the god damned money. How hard is it? Why should the consumer have to chase the retailer to chase the supplier to chase the manufacturer for the warranty? The further down it goes, the less people give a shit because it's not as much 'their problem'.
Anyway, I will not be using the retailer again and may think twice about the manufacturer. To the credit of the retailer, they did put up with a lot of my shit (not returning the RAM, bugging them constantly etc.) and in general were very responsive and adequately helpful. So I do thank them. I still won't use them again, but that's not really their fault - they should be taking that up with the manufacturer for letting them down, which in turn damaged them in my eyes even though I know it wasn't really their fault. If I claim a warranty, I expect it to be near on instant, not several months. Anyway, my first experience with warranties - let's hope it doesn't bode for the future hehe. I'm just glad I have my RAM back now!
Friend Ask Out
Wednesday, 20 June 2007, 18:53 +0800 GMT
I was talking to a friend the other day and complaining how I was useless with women and never knew what to do, and, unlike most things I'm not good at, couldn't even seem to figure it out or learn. She surprised me somewhat when she replied that the only thing stopping her from asking me out was that I was athiest. Strangely though, I wasn't entirely surprised or concerned overall. I like this friend a lot and at one point did wonder if there was something more. I told her this and it all seemed to just flow so easily. I suppose the knowledge that we liked each other but knew we could never be together, if anything, strengthened our friendship. My best friend always reckons working things like that out in a guy and girl friendship is necessary for the friendship to grow beyond a certain amount. I'm beginning to think he's right. My friend and I are stronger friends than ever now, and it's a wonderful thing. And the ego boost from knowing she would have gone out with me was also lovely (and needed)!
Wednesday, 20 June 2007, 18:53 +0800 GMT
I was talking to a friend the other day and complaining how I was useless with women and never knew what to do, and, unlike most things I'm not good at, couldn't even seem to figure it out or learn. She surprised me somewhat when she replied that the only thing stopping her from asking me out was that I was athiest. Strangely though, I wasn't entirely surprised or concerned overall. I like this friend a lot and at one point did wonder if there was something more. I told her this and it all seemed to just flow so easily. I suppose the knowledge that we liked each other but knew we could never be together, if anything, strengthened our friendship. My best friend always reckons working things like that out in a guy and girl friendship is necessary for the friendship to grow beyond a certain amount. I'm beginning to think he's right. My friend and I are stronger friends than ever now, and it's a wonderful thing. And the ego boost from knowing she would have gone out with me was also lovely (and needed)!
Separation of People From Their Skills & Beauty
Friday, 15 June 2007, 19:13 +0800 GMT
It's funny how the mind works so stupidly and inexplicably at times. My most recent realisation of this came when I yet again failed to be able to talk to a friend of a friend. A while ago, I somehow noticed an interesting looking blog while I was at one of my friend's houses. I asked him about it and it turned out to be the blog of one of his colleagues. I had a better look at it at home and was captivated. The site was really well designed and laid out, and I was very impressed. Not only that, the girl who did it was a) a graphics and web designer and b) pretty hot. So what happened? My mind decided to kick in and put her on a freaking pedestal, with absolutely no input from me as the concious being in the mind. To me, she is now god like. I cannot even talk to her. I've seen her a couple of times now as we occasionally hang out with a mutual group of friends, but I have never managed to talk to her.
You know what, that's just freaking lame, ok? If I told that story to anyone, they'd be like, what the hell, man? I don't know her, I don't know anything about her, but I simply cannot talk to her. She could be a friend, a lover, an enemy, an acquaintance, a soul mate. Yet she's nothing, simply because I'm too lame to even get the confidence up to talk to her. Why? Reasons above - she's got mad skills I highly admire and would like to learn, and she's hot. I feel like a squashed bug when I realise all of this. Somehow I'm stuck in a low confidence loop, or worse, a negative confidence spiral. I don't have enough confidence to talk to someone which in turn makes me feel less confident about myself and so on. What to do, what to do. I don't know. Perhaps this Japan trip is what I really need, perhaps that's why I fought so hard for it and perhaps it's even meant to be. A chance to totally forget my past self and recreate myself. Why be low on confidence in another place where nobody knows you? You can leave the lack of confidence and reasons for lack of confidence behind and just go for it. We'll see, anyway. For now, I think that's my only real chance. I just need more life experience, to get out of the shelter that is my somewhat meaningless life here as an IT Auditor, for god's sake!
Friday, 15 June 2007, 19:13 +0800 GMT
It's funny how the mind works so stupidly and inexplicably at times. My most recent realisation of this came when I yet again failed to be able to talk to a friend of a friend. A while ago, I somehow noticed an interesting looking blog while I was at one of my friend's houses. I asked him about it and it turned out to be the blog of one of his colleagues. I had a better look at it at home and was captivated. The site was really well designed and laid out, and I was very impressed. Not only that, the girl who did it was a) a graphics and web designer and b) pretty hot. So what happened? My mind decided to kick in and put her on a freaking pedestal, with absolutely no input from me as the concious being in the mind. To me, she is now god like. I cannot even talk to her. I've seen her a couple of times now as we occasionally hang out with a mutual group of friends, but I have never managed to talk to her.
You know what, that's just freaking lame, ok? If I told that story to anyone, they'd be like, what the hell, man? I don't know her, I don't know anything about her, but I simply cannot talk to her. She could be a friend, a lover, an enemy, an acquaintance, a soul mate. Yet she's nothing, simply because I'm too lame to even get the confidence up to talk to her. Why? Reasons above - she's got mad skills I highly admire and would like to learn, and she's hot. I feel like a squashed bug when I realise all of this. Somehow I'm stuck in a low confidence loop, or worse, a negative confidence spiral. I don't have enough confidence to talk to someone which in turn makes me feel less confident about myself and so on. What to do, what to do. I don't know. Perhaps this Japan trip is what I really need, perhaps that's why I fought so hard for it and perhaps it's even meant to be. A chance to totally forget my past self and recreate myself. Why be low on confidence in another place where nobody knows you? You can leave the lack of confidence and reasons for lack of confidence behind and just go for it. We'll see, anyway. For now, I think that's my only real chance. I just need more life experience, to get out of the shelter that is my somewhat meaningless life here as an IT Auditor, for god's sake!
Everything is Childhood
Tuesday, 05 June 2007, 21:47 +0800 GMT
So much of what we do every day is innate, or was learned when we were children. Think about it - biological incentives like breathing just occur naturally, we don't even think about it. Sometimes we realise we're breathing and go "hey, I'm breathing, that's so cool - I don't even need to think about it!". Other things are just coded into us as humans - attraction, the drive to reproduce and so on. And finally, in a very blurred very grey line between this and learned behaviours/information, comes the things we learned as children. For example, do remember learning the language you spoke as a child? I sure don't, but I can read, write and speak it fluently. I just think it's incredible. So much of us isn't a choice we made. It's biological incentive, genetically coded and things we learnt, well before we were developed, old and mature enough to realise what and who we were or make choices. Is it a good thing? Well, it can be. If I ever have children I want them to learn Chinese as well as English as children. Basically, because I'm learning Japanese now myself and it's painfully difficult. If I had learnt it as a child back when life wasn't so 'busy' and I *had* to learn (parents/school) then it'd be one of those amazing things where you go "yep, I learned about this when I was a kid - I don't remember learning it but I just know it". Like English, for me. Pretty cool, really.
Tuesday, 05 June 2007, 21:47 +0800 GMT
So much of what we do every day is innate, or was learned when we were children. Think about it - biological incentives like breathing just occur naturally, we don't even think about it. Sometimes we realise we're breathing and go "hey, I'm breathing, that's so cool - I don't even need to think about it!". Other things are just coded into us as humans - attraction, the drive to reproduce and so on. And finally, in a very blurred very grey line between this and learned behaviours/information, comes the things we learned as children. For example, do remember learning the language you spoke as a child? I sure don't, but I can read, write and speak it fluently. I just think it's incredible. So much of us isn't a choice we made. It's biological incentive, genetically coded and things we learnt, well before we were developed, old and mature enough to realise what and who we were or make choices. Is it a good thing? Well, it can be. If I ever have children I want them to learn Chinese as well as English as children. Basically, because I'm learning Japanese now myself and it's painfully difficult. If I had learnt it as a child back when life wasn't so 'busy' and I *had* to learn (parents/school) then it'd be one of those amazing things where you go "yep, I learned about this when I was a kid - I don't remember learning it but I just know it". Like English, for me. Pretty cool, really.
Value of Others
Sunday, 03 June 2007, 19:44 +0800 GMT
I realised the other day that almost everyone in this world is valuable as a person. I think people inherently tend to group up with similar people and then take a stand against other groups of people, claiming they aren't valuable, or at least, aren't as valuable as themselves. I feel pressured to do this at work, where I am surrounded by many people similar to myself - above average intelligence, high achieving and hard working. Most of my colleagues look down on people who work manual jobs, and in fact, many who do mental work like most of our clients but who just aren't quite 'up there'. They make derogatory comments about these people and debase them, and seem to enjoy it. I don't see the point. It may well be that all of these people aren't anywhere near as intelligent as us, but the way I see it they sure as hell are very valuable people. I know that I couldn't build a railway, or repair plumbing, or create a cupboard from raw wood. That's what these people are for. In turn, we do what they cannot - work with our minds to create businesses, technology, software and so on. In the end, we're all valuable in terms of what we do. And that doesn't even take into account the personal side of things. I've met fantastic people right across the range - from very low intelligence with a learning disorder to very intelligent achieving at everything they do. In the end, I think it comes down to your own interpretation. Don't dismiss someone who is less or more intelligent than you as someone you don't care about or don't want to get to know. Make up your mind by getting to know them. They are all valuable.
Sunday, 03 June 2007, 19:44 +0800 GMT
I realised the other day that almost everyone in this world is valuable as a person. I think people inherently tend to group up with similar people and then take a stand against other groups of people, claiming they aren't valuable, or at least, aren't as valuable as themselves. I feel pressured to do this at work, where I am surrounded by many people similar to myself - above average intelligence, high achieving and hard working. Most of my colleagues look down on people who work manual jobs, and in fact, many who do mental work like most of our clients but who just aren't quite 'up there'. They make derogatory comments about these people and debase them, and seem to enjoy it. I don't see the point. It may well be that all of these people aren't anywhere near as intelligent as us, but the way I see it they sure as hell are very valuable people. I know that I couldn't build a railway, or repair plumbing, or create a cupboard from raw wood. That's what these people are for. In turn, we do what they cannot - work with our minds to create businesses, technology, software and so on. In the end, we're all valuable in terms of what we do. And that doesn't even take into account the personal side of things. I've met fantastic people right across the range - from very low intelligence with a learning disorder to very intelligent achieving at everything they do. In the end, I think it comes down to your own interpretation. Don't dismiss someone who is less or more intelligent than you as someone you don't care about or don't want to get to know. Make up your mind by getting to know them. They are all valuable.
Outsmarting the Outsmarter
Friday, 25 May 2007, 19:11 +0800 GMT
I'm an intelligent guy but I don't think I'm particularly wise or cunning. I love watching dramas and crime stories and mysteries and anything with a twisty turny plot and seeing the story evolve. A great example would be the Italian job - quite a simple plot, but some nice twists. What I really like about this though, is when people that think they're doing the outsmarting of someone else actually get their outsmarting outsmarted, if that makes sense. I dream of being like that, being someone who is so intelligent, wise and savvy that I can always outsmart everyone else (when I need to), especially when they think they're outsmarting me. That'd be totally freaking awesome I reckon. Not going to happen though, so I get my fix of the power through dramatic irony in those kinds of movies that it happens in :)
Friday, 25 May 2007, 19:11 +0800 GMT
I'm an intelligent guy but I don't think I'm particularly wise or cunning. I love watching dramas and crime stories and mysteries and anything with a twisty turny plot and seeing the story evolve. A great example would be the Italian job - quite a simple plot, but some nice twists. What I really like about this though, is when people that think they're doing the outsmarting of someone else actually get their outsmarting outsmarted, if that makes sense. I dream of being like that, being someone who is so intelligent, wise and savvy that I can always outsmart everyone else (when I need to), especially when they think they're outsmarting me. That'd be totally freaking awesome I reckon. Not going to happen though, so I get my fix of the power through dramatic irony in those kinds of movies that it happens in :)
Sunday Dreams
Thursday, 17 May 2007, 19:23 +0800 GMT
I find that I literally cannot sleep on Sunday nights any more. I used to think that it was the fact I slept at 4am on Sunday mornings that caused it. I used to think that my lack of exercise caused it. I used to think that going to bed too late on Sunday caused it. And I'm sure all of those things contribute. But this Sunday just gone, I was in bed by 2pm, up by 11am and I tired myself out with 2 hours of badminton and 1.5 hours of swimming. By 7:30pm I was zonked. Yet when I got into bed on time, at 11pm, I simply could not sleep. It was hot, which didn't help, but I think the main problem was work. I began to worry about what was happening this week, all my problem clients and annoying engagements, that A4 sized to do list and so on. When I finally did get to sleep I dreamt vividly and not particularly enjoyably, and woke up a few times. All in all, a shit night of sleep. My problem is that this happens every Sunday. Every Sunday for the past few months. It can't be good and I doubt sleeping earlier on Saturday/Sunday would help that much, given my changes for last Sunday. *sigh* don't know what to do. Keep an eye on it I suppose. Perhaps my holiday will help clear this crap up.
Thursday, 17 May 2007, 19:23 +0800 GMT
I find that I literally cannot sleep on Sunday nights any more. I used to think that it was the fact I slept at 4am on Sunday mornings that caused it. I used to think that my lack of exercise caused it. I used to think that going to bed too late on Sunday caused it. And I'm sure all of those things contribute. But this Sunday just gone, I was in bed by 2pm, up by 11am and I tired myself out with 2 hours of badminton and 1.5 hours of swimming. By 7:30pm I was zonked. Yet when I got into bed on time, at 11pm, I simply could not sleep. It was hot, which didn't help, but I think the main problem was work. I began to worry about what was happening this week, all my problem clients and annoying engagements, that A4 sized to do list and so on. When I finally did get to sleep I dreamt vividly and not particularly enjoyably, and woke up a few times. All in all, a shit night of sleep. My problem is that this happens every Sunday. Every Sunday for the past few months. It can't be good and I doubt sleeping earlier on Saturday/Sunday would help that much, given my changes for last Sunday. *sigh* don't know what to do. Keep an eye on it I suppose. Perhaps my holiday will help clear this crap up.
Naiveity
Tuesday, 08 May 2007, 20:50 +0800 GMT
I finally fully realised the other day how naive I have been for the past 5 or so years of my life, in terms of women. My path as a man through the territory of women is a strange one. Most men seem to have a map, or at least a compass, or some means of working out where to go. I started with such an object, but lost it when I was 5. When I was in Year One, I only hung around with girls, my twin sister's friends. I used to 'protect' them, not sure why exactly. Lost in the mists of time. After Year One, I began to hang out with guys instead, completely. To the point that at the beginning of Year Two, my sister and one or two of the girls I'd known better from Year One were the only girls I knew. This continued and worsened until in Year Four when I moved house and didn't make any female friends at the new school I attended. High school was the same. It wasn't until Year 12 that I finally began to make a few tentative friends. Naturally, with hormones raging like any good teenager the line between friend and more than friend blurred for me more often than not and unfortunately in my confusion I lost several of those friends through silly things that I said and did. Not a very high point for me, but I managed to take it and keep going. Unfortunately, I went straight into Computer Science at uni, hardly a discipline known for having lots of females around, or for students within it having any social skills whatsoever. I did do Business Administration as well, but unfortunately I didn't really meet many people.
And this is what I'm getting at. All my life, I missed out on interactions with girls that most 'normal' guys would have had. They would have known them since primary school, known instinctively how to be friends with them, or at least, grown up with them as friends. Which would in turn help them later on when trying to move beyond friends with one. Lacking all of this knowledge and experience, I still struggle in my life now to get to know women. As friends, let alone as more. I fear so much. I simply cannot think of women as friends and more than friends separately. Because I'm attracted to them it's very hard to make that separation. It confuses me, because even females that I have now met and known for some time and that I classify as friends can suddenly become an object of affection in my mind. I don't know why, I can't control it and it definitely doesn't help. So what am I supposed to do? I have enough trouble making friends because I inherently associate attraction with females. I fear that even if I'm just trying to be a friend it's going to come across as me hitting on them or wanting more. Even if I don't initially I know that at any point I could suddenly be attracted to them where I wasn't before. I just don't have the skills to separate the two permanently or at least deal with it if that separation is not possible. I really don't know what to do. People say that this kind of thing comes with experience, but I don't think it does. Some experiences are easily absorbed - touch a hot iron and you won't do it again any time soon. Other things you need guidance for or you'll never get anywhere. I don't have experience or a guide, so what am I supposed to do? I don't see myself getting any better at this any time soon. I'm probably in one of the worst situations possible when it comes to this kind of thing. Thinking about all of this while feeling so desperately lonely and realising that at 23 years old I've barely had physical contact with a girl, let alone gotten anywhere in terms of finding close female company that I crave so much from time to time. A very depressing thought...I really, really don't know what to do.
Tuesday, 08 May 2007, 20:50 +0800 GMT
I finally fully realised the other day how naive I have been for the past 5 or so years of my life, in terms of women. My path as a man through the territory of women is a strange one. Most men seem to have a map, or at least a compass, or some means of working out where to go. I started with such an object, but lost it when I was 5. When I was in Year One, I only hung around with girls, my twin sister's friends. I used to 'protect' them, not sure why exactly. Lost in the mists of time. After Year One, I began to hang out with guys instead, completely. To the point that at the beginning of Year Two, my sister and one or two of the girls I'd known better from Year One were the only girls I knew. This continued and worsened until in Year Four when I moved house and didn't make any female friends at the new school I attended. High school was the same. It wasn't until Year 12 that I finally began to make a few tentative friends. Naturally, with hormones raging like any good teenager the line between friend and more than friend blurred for me more often than not and unfortunately in my confusion I lost several of those friends through silly things that I said and did. Not a very high point for me, but I managed to take it and keep going. Unfortunately, I went straight into Computer Science at uni, hardly a discipline known for having lots of females around, or for students within it having any social skills whatsoever. I did do Business Administration as well, but unfortunately I didn't really meet many people.
And this is what I'm getting at. All my life, I missed out on interactions with girls that most 'normal' guys would have had. They would have known them since primary school, known instinctively how to be friends with them, or at least, grown up with them as friends. Which would in turn help them later on when trying to move beyond friends with one. Lacking all of this knowledge and experience, I still struggle in my life now to get to know women. As friends, let alone as more. I fear so much. I simply cannot think of women as friends and more than friends separately. Because I'm attracted to them it's very hard to make that separation. It confuses me, because even females that I have now met and known for some time and that I classify as friends can suddenly become an object of affection in my mind. I don't know why, I can't control it and it definitely doesn't help. So what am I supposed to do? I have enough trouble making friends because I inherently associate attraction with females. I fear that even if I'm just trying to be a friend it's going to come across as me hitting on them or wanting more. Even if I don't initially I know that at any point I could suddenly be attracted to them where I wasn't before. I just don't have the skills to separate the two permanently or at least deal with it if that separation is not possible. I really don't know what to do. People say that this kind of thing comes with experience, but I don't think it does. Some experiences are easily absorbed - touch a hot iron and you won't do it again any time soon. Other things you need guidance for or you'll never get anywhere. I don't have experience or a guide, so what am I supposed to do? I don't see myself getting any better at this any time soon. I'm probably in one of the worst situations possible when it comes to this kind of thing. Thinking about all of this while feeling so desperately lonely and realising that at 23 years old I've barely had physical contact with a girl, let alone gotten anywhere in terms of finding close female company that I crave so much from time to time. A very depressing thought...I really, really don't know what to do.
Soccer
Friday, 27 April 2007, 18:53 +0800 GMT
A while ago my best friend got really into soccer. Since late last year a group of our high school friends (who are also quite crazy about soccer) had been organising informal soccer games on Sunday afternoons. So both my friend and I decided to join in and have a go. He was always better than me and nothing changed hehe. We had some decent games, I was usually frustrated by my performance but got a few good goals or runs every now and then that made me happy enough. Eventually, the games died out though as people became less and less reliable, or new people came that lowered the standard of play (not in a skill fashion, but in an enjoyment/sportspersonship way). So my friend decided to start organising his own games. We've only done two or three so far, but they've been pretty good. Nice turnout and usually a decent crowd as well, because it's 'invite only'.
Playing soccer again after so long I realised I was still crap at it and it annoyed me. I don't like being bad at things, and I strive to achieve. My problem is that I'm a fast learner when it comes to mental things, but I learn very slowly about physical things. So I struggled to perform in soccer, which made me upset. My friend started to get me to train with him, and I did improve, but in the end I just couldn't be bothered. Another victim of my work-based complete loss of motivation hehe. I suppose that at 24 years old, with minimal skill in soccer, I don't really stand much chance of ever getting that good. At least not fast. Most other people I played with have played a lot more and have so much more experience. So to me, I didn't really see the point. What's the point of working for 6 months to get my skills up to a decent level when nobody else has to do it, and they're still better than me at the end of the day? Defeatist attitude? Yes, but I'm a realist, not an idealist. I like to face my weaknesses and work out whether they're worth addressing, or just accepting. Soccer, sorry, unless I have some driving force, I will not improve my skills.
Still, I don't mind an easy going social game. I'm coming to accept my lack of skills and try not to get annoyed when I don't do well. I also try to take pride when I occasionally do something right. It helps. I will see if the school I'm going to in Japan has a soccer club, if so I might try to join in! :) Give me a driving motivation to train with the kids, cheer them on, help them achieve and maybe even improve myself a little.
Friday, 27 April 2007, 18:53 +0800 GMT
A while ago my best friend got really into soccer. Since late last year a group of our high school friends (who are also quite crazy about soccer) had been organising informal soccer games on Sunday afternoons. So both my friend and I decided to join in and have a go. He was always better than me and nothing changed hehe. We had some decent games, I was usually frustrated by my performance but got a few good goals or runs every now and then that made me happy enough. Eventually, the games died out though as people became less and less reliable, or new people came that lowered the standard of play (not in a skill fashion, but in an enjoyment/sportspersonship way). So my friend decided to start organising his own games. We've only done two or three so far, but they've been pretty good. Nice turnout and usually a decent crowd as well, because it's 'invite only'.
Playing soccer again after so long I realised I was still crap at it and it annoyed me. I don't like being bad at things, and I strive to achieve. My problem is that I'm a fast learner when it comes to mental things, but I learn very slowly about physical things. So I struggled to perform in soccer, which made me upset. My friend started to get me to train with him, and I did improve, but in the end I just couldn't be bothered. Another victim of my work-based complete loss of motivation hehe. I suppose that at 24 years old, with minimal skill in soccer, I don't really stand much chance of ever getting that good. At least not fast. Most other people I played with have played a lot more and have so much more experience. So to me, I didn't really see the point. What's the point of working for 6 months to get my skills up to a decent level when nobody else has to do it, and they're still better than me at the end of the day? Defeatist attitude? Yes, but I'm a realist, not an idealist. I like to face my weaknesses and work out whether they're worth addressing, or just accepting. Soccer, sorry, unless I have some driving force, I will not improve my skills.
Still, I don't mind an easy going social game. I'm coming to accept my lack of skills and try not to get annoyed when I don't do well. I also try to take pride when I occasionally do something right. It helps. I will see if the school I'm going to in Japan has a soccer club, if so I might try to join in! :) Give me a driving motivation to train with the kids, cheer them on, help them achieve and maybe even improve myself a little.
Return to Work
Thursday, 26 April 2007, 22:39 +0800 GMT
My return to work after Japan was not a pretty transition hehe. I stepped off my flight back home at about 6:30am in the morning and decided to live the day out rather than sleeping straight away, even though I was pretty tired. I'd been rather run down with sinusitus for the last 4 or 5 days of my time in Japan, resulting in me not sleeping well. So heading straight back into work the next day was not at all a welcome experience! I managed to get there though, even though I felt very ordinary indeed. I just felt it would be bad form to take a sick day the day after I arrived back, as people might think I'd deliberately done it to avoid using leave. Thankfully there was a public holiday on the Wednesday so I was able to catch up on some sleep and recuperation time!
Work itself was very hard, as I hadn't used the 'work' part of my brain in over 4 weeks. Plus, I'd been doing whatever the hell I wanted instead of what I had to do as part of my job. I got very depressed very quickly, which wasn't surprising. Initially I wasn't booked on any jobs and having handballed all my work off before leaving I didn't have much to do. So I just helped out on random jobs, doing the data analytics components for people. At one point I put out an email, rather stupidly, saying I was free. Initially it was only one day but that rapidly turned into two weeks as a booking didn't go ahead as scheduled. Unfortunately, one of my seniors (who I do like working with, but hate the kinds of jobs he does) snapped me up and put me on a client I'd done in 2005. I had disliked it then and became very upset when I found out I had to help on the engagement. There was nothing I could do about it though, and as he needed me I was there to help, despite my dislike of the job.
It turned out that the job made me very sad as all the negative feelings I associated with it from 2005 and the type of work it was overwhelmed me. Thankfully though I was working a lot with a colleague I enjoyed spending time with and the client staff themselves were extremely helpful. Those two things alone made the job so much easier that I almost enjoyed it. Anyway, I'm going beyond my 'return' now. The point is, my return was not a happy time. The problem was, it wasn't a normal unhappy either. I'm rather vulnerable to depression at the best of times and don't consider myself a hopeful, happy or optimistic person. But the negative feeling I got from work went beyond the normal unhappiness I experienced. I think in part this was caused by just the flow of events once I arrived back at work (random crappy work then nothing to do then lots of work I hated) as well as some other things that happened (some jobs I had handballed were still unfinished when I arrived back and I had to take them over in the middle of other previously scheduled work). All in all, I just wanted to leave. So I was very grateful to the JET Program, as I already had that job lined up! Had I not, I don't think I would have been around at work much more. I know that almost everyone feels bad when they return to work from a holiday, but this was different, and it stayed with me right to the end - getting out of there, at least for a year, was definitely one of the best things I've ever done.
Thursday, 26 April 2007, 22:39 +0800 GMT
My return to work after Japan was not a pretty transition hehe. I stepped off my flight back home at about 6:30am in the morning and decided to live the day out rather than sleeping straight away, even though I was pretty tired. I'd been rather run down with sinusitus for the last 4 or 5 days of my time in Japan, resulting in me not sleeping well. So heading straight back into work the next day was not at all a welcome experience! I managed to get there though, even though I felt very ordinary indeed. I just felt it would be bad form to take a sick day the day after I arrived back, as people might think I'd deliberately done it to avoid using leave. Thankfully there was a public holiday on the Wednesday so I was able to catch up on some sleep and recuperation time!
Work itself was very hard, as I hadn't used the 'work' part of my brain in over 4 weeks. Plus, I'd been doing whatever the hell I wanted instead of what I had to do as part of my job. I got very depressed very quickly, which wasn't surprising. Initially I wasn't booked on any jobs and having handballed all my work off before leaving I didn't have much to do. So I just helped out on random jobs, doing the data analytics components for people. At one point I put out an email, rather stupidly, saying I was free. Initially it was only one day but that rapidly turned into two weeks as a booking didn't go ahead as scheduled. Unfortunately, one of my seniors (who I do like working with, but hate the kinds of jobs he does) snapped me up and put me on a client I'd done in 2005. I had disliked it then and became very upset when I found out I had to help on the engagement. There was nothing I could do about it though, and as he needed me I was there to help, despite my dislike of the job.
It turned out that the job made me very sad as all the negative feelings I associated with it from 2005 and the type of work it was overwhelmed me. Thankfully though I was working a lot with a colleague I enjoyed spending time with and the client staff themselves were extremely helpful. Those two things alone made the job so much easier that I almost enjoyed it. Anyway, I'm going beyond my 'return' now. The point is, my return was not a happy time. The problem was, it wasn't a normal unhappy either. I'm rather vulnerable to depression at the best of times and don't consider myself a hopeful, happy or optimistic person. But the negative feeling I got from work went beyond the normal unhappiness I experienced. I think in part this was caused by just the flow of events once I arrived back at work (random crappy work then nothing to do then lots of work I hated) as well as some other things that happened (some jobs I had handballed were still unfinished when I arrived back and I had to take them over in the middle of other previously scheduled work). All in all, I just wanted to leave. So I was very grateful to the JET Program, as I already had that job lined up! Had I not, I don't think I would have been around at work much more. I know that almost everyone feels bad when they return to work from a holiday, but this was different, and it stayed with me right to the end - getting out of there, at least for a year, was definitely one of the best things I've ever done.
JET Program
Wednesday, 25 April 2007, 18:43 +0800 GMT
When I was in Japan I got an email from one of my housemates letting me know there had been a call from the JET Program coordinators. Apparently it was to inform me of my results in relation to applying for the JET Program, but they obviously couldn't give the results to my housemate. Instead, they said they'd email me the results. Unfortunately, it was emailed to my work account which I couldn't check from Japan. So I was in rather a bad spot - it was only a couple of days into my trip meaning that I couldn't access my results and hence know if I had been accepted or not for at least another 3 weeks, possibly more. Which proceeded to drive me nuts hehe. I convinced myself that the phone call was negative and I wasn't going to get in. Not a particularly nice place to be, when you're trying to enjoy a holiday! I gradually forgot about it though, after a week or so. Eventually, speaking to my housemates from Hiroshima I realised that I should contact the Consulate General to try to find out my results, as a recent letter from them (which I asked my housemate to open) had asked me to respond ASAP. This gave me some more hope, as why send a letter asking for a response to someone who had been rejected, right? So I did contact the Consulate General and managed to get my results sent to me via another email address. I checked my email in the Irish pub in Osaka, and with extreme heart pounding and held breath, clicked on the email. And found that I had been accepted! I could hardly believe it, and jumped up from my seat yelling with glee, I was so happy! Such a weight was lifted off my shoulders, the three weeks of pain thinking I'd been rejected evapourated in an instant. I proceeded straight to the bar and bought another beer hehe. I was so happy, as I sat and thought about all that lay ahead. I could hardly believe I'd been accepted, but was very happy to have been - I didn't question! All I knew was that I was safe, in that I didn't need to think any further about what I was going to do when I got back from my holiday.
Wednesday, 25 April 2007, 18:43 +0800 GMT
When I was in Japan I got an email from one of my housemates letting me know there had been a call from the JET Program coordinators. Apparently it was to inform me of my results in relation to applying for the JET Program, but they obviously couldn't give the results to my housemate. Instead, they said they'd email me the results. Unfortunately, it was emailed to my work account which I couldn't check from Japan. So I was in rather a bad spot - it was only a couple of days into my trip meaning that I couldn't access my results and hence know if I had been accepted or not for at least another 3 weeks, possibly more. Which proceeded to drive me nuts hehe. I convinced myself that the phone call was negative and I wasn't going to get in. Not a particularly nice place to be, when you're trying to enjoy a holiday! I gradually forgot about it though, after a week or so. Eventually, speaking to my housemates from Hiroshima I realised that I should contact the Consulate General to try to find out my results, as a recent letter from them (which I asked my housemate to open) had asked me to respond ASAP. This gave me some more hope, as why send a letter asking for a response to someone who had been rejected, right? So I did contact the Consulate General and managed to get my results sent to me via another email address. I checked my email in the Irish pub in Osaka, and with extreme heart pounding and held breath, clicked on the email. And found that I had been accepted! I could hardly believe it, and jumped up from my seat yelling with glee, I was so happy! Such a weight was lifted off my shoulders, the three weeks of pain thinking I'd been rejected evapourated in an instant. I proceeded straight to the bar and bought another beer hehe. I was so happy, as I sat and thought about all that lay ahead. I could hardly believe I'd been accepted, but was very happy to have been - I didn't question! All I knew was that I was safe, in that I didn't need to think any further about what I was going to do when I got back from my holiday.
Japan
Wednesday, 25 April 2007, 12:15 +0800 GMT
So I'm back from Japan, and my god did I have an adventure hehe. I've written up a full travel diary and various other random accounts on Japan here, but here are some of the highlights:
Wednesday, 25 April 2007, 12:15 +0800 GMT
So I'm back from Japan, and my god did I have an adventure hehe. I've written up a full travel diary and various other random accounts on Japan here, but here are some of the highlights:
- Getting to Tokyo and realising I'd left my hotel vouchers and rail pass at home!
- Walking out onto the Shibuya crosswalk for the first time at the busiest point of the night when thousands of people cross.
- Learning Japanese and having to act many things out in pantomimes to be understood.
- Climbing half way up Mount Fuji surrounded only by nature and silence.
- My first private onsen experience and then my first public onsen experience with very naked monks.
- Eating & drinking in general but especially fresh unagi, okonomiyaki, kobe beef, premium sake and Japanese beers (especially Yona Yona, OMG)!
- Staying a night in Shizuoka by mistake and thinking there was nothing to do, only to encounter the Shizuoka Matsuri with thousands of people dancing in the streets.
- Talking for hours with a lovely old lady in the Nagoya Orchid Nursery.
- All my encounters with hot Japanese women including the Nagoya & Kobe luggage girls, the Shizuoka yakitori restaurant waitress, the Hiroshima crazy random party/drinking/karaoke girl who tried to pick me up (!!) and the Kyoto girl I reduced to a staring wreck just by looking at her.
- Meeting a random Japanese guy on the train back from Ise and swapping photos and music with him.
- Staying in a monastery/temple in Koya-san, getting snowed on and exploring the Bhuddist graveyard at night!
- All the temples in Kyoto, especially the Golden Pavilion and Heanin-in.
- Exploring the beautiful city of Kobe, probably my favourite place in Japan.
- Travelling up through beautiful countryside into Takayama, a quaint old fashioned Japanese town north west of Tokyo.
- It has to be said - sakura, especially the enormous sakura-matsuri in the park behind Gion in Kyoto.
"Would you change having worked at your current workplace if you had the choice"?
Monday, 23 April 2007, 19:13 +0800 GMT
Tough question. I think the answer would have to be no. Although that's with hindsight, after I have since gone onto unpaid leave for 14 months. Despite the many bad points about where I work, I have so much to attribute to it. I met so many great people, as colleagues and friends, who I will never forget. I met the guy who is now my official life mentor. I learnt so much and developed so many new skills. Believe it or not, I raised my confidence level up, and began to find myself to some degree. And finally, I developed alcohol tolerance and had some awesome times 'out on the town', or at least, as much 'out on the town' as you can get in this city hehe. So no, I don't regret my time spent. I don't know what else I would have done, had I not worked there.
Monday, 23 April 2007, 19:13 +0800 GMT
Tough question. I think the answer would have to be no. Although that's with hindsight, after I have since gone onto unpaid leave for 14 months. Despite the many bad points about where I work, I have so much to attribute to it. I met so many great people, as colleagues and friends, who I will never forget. I met the guy who is now my official life mentor. I learnt so much and developed so many new skills. Believe it or not, I raised my confidence level up, and began to find myself to some degree. And finally, I developed alcohol tolerance and had some awesome times 'out on the town', or at least, as much 'out on the town' as you can get in this city hehe. So no, I don't regret my time spent. I don't know what else I would have done, had I not worked there.
Tarocash Manager
Friday, 30 March 2007, 19:34 +0800 GMT
I never really used to care about what people thought of my clothes. Back in high school, I disliked the fashions 'of the day'. Partly because I didn't like them (I was too conservative haha) and because the 'cool kids' wore them. I wasn't a cool kid haha. I was also slightly overweight back then so tended to go for oversized clothes that I figured helped hide my body somewhat. Looking back, I realise how terrible I probably looked hehe. I had no fashion sense, no colour mixing sense, and to top it all off my parents bought or 'suggested' the clothes I should buy. Thank god for growing up hehe. That said, it wasn't until I started working that I really branched out and found 'my style' somewhat. I guess I'm saying all this because the cold of winter finally made me break out my old favourite jacket recently. Only to realise that, although not too unstylish, it was way too big for me and looked stupid. I would have been devestated if it was all I had, but ah-hah, it wasn't! Muahahaha.
So in my second year of work I decided to pick up some new clothes, but didn't know where to go. I checked out David Jones, Myer and all the rest of my old haunts, but I was after something more casual. For once, I had overcome my conservatism and wanted to get some clothes that I felt looked cool, based on seeing 'fashionable' people around the city and so on. At the time, I found nothing in my usual places, then stumbled on yd. I was hooked, and picked up an entire wardrobe in there. I thought the clothes were great and were at least relatively stylish. In fact, the first time I wore them, people actually commented that I looked stylish. I was very pleased hehe. But gradually, fashions changed and the clothes wore out, so I had to stop wearing them. It came to that magical 'once per year' clothes shopping time, so I headed out to my nearest yd store brimming with excitment. Only to find that they had nothing I liked, it was no longer funky casual, it was more dero than anything. Disappointed, I left yd behind and began to wander, not entirely sure where to go. I ended up at Tarocash, where something caught my eye. Wandering in to look closer, nothing really caught my eye after all. Except the store person hehe. She was a hot amro, and as the store was nearly empty she came across and started talking to me. It was great, she was the best salesperson I've ever met. Really friendly, happy to just chat as we looked at things and very helpful with advice and selecting things out for me to try. It was bizarre, we talked about holidays, gaming and so on - I felt connected to her in a way I hadn't felt with anyone for a long time. Guess it was just the whole 'hey look a new friend' kinda thing.
Anyway, she picked out a few things for me and I grimaced, being conservative. But she pushed me to try them on, so I did. One of the things I really didn't like was a relatively thin and tight black zip up jumper. When I put it on though, I didn't want to take it off. I realised it was the style I'd been searching for, for a long long time. Digging around a bit more I found several other things that were in a similar style, and got very excited. I bought a lot of stuff, hehe. As I was leaving I also threw in a white belt and a pair of white 'pimp' shoes. All very expensive, but to me, very cool as well. I was really happy with my shopping, and when a friend said to me 'Ah, good to see you finally wearing some clothes that fit', it sealed the deal.
I went back there recently to pick up a few more things and found some more gold, including something I would never had tried without coercion - a brown jumper. It worked well though - the salespeople in the store sure know their stuff. They told me the secret of being stylish - contrasting colours. White shoes, blue jeans, white shirt & black jumper, works well. I felt that I'd finally learnt one of the many lessons in life I missed as a teenager. So kudos to the Tarocash people :D I finally feel someone stylish and it's helped improve my ridiculously low confidence.
Friday, 30 March 2007, 19:34 +0800 GMT
I never really used to care about what people thought of my clothes. Back in high school, I disliked the fashions 'of the day'. Partly because I didn't like them (I was too conservative haha) and because the 'cool kids' wore them. I wasn't a cool kid haha. I was also slightly overweight back then so tended to go for oversized clothes that I figured helped hide my body somewhat. Looking back, I realise how terrible I probably looked hehe. I had no fashion sense, no colour mixing sense, and to top it all off my parents bought or 'suggested' the clothes I should buy. Thank god for growing up hehe. That said, it wasn't until I started working that I really branched out and found 'my style' somewhat. I guess I'm saying all this because the cold of winter finally made me break out my old favourite jacket recently. Only to realise that, although not too unstylish, it was way too big for me and looked stupid. I would have been devestated if it was all I had, but ah-hah, it wasn't! Muahahaha.
So in my second year of work I decided to pick up some new clothes, but didn't know where to go. I checked out David Jones, Myer and all the rest of my old haunts, but I was after something more casual. For once, I had overcome my conservatism and wanted to get some clothes that I felt looked cool, based on seeing 'fashionable' people around the city and so on. At the time, I found nothing in my usual places, then stumbled on yd. I was hooked, and picked up an entire wardrobe in there. I thought the clothes were great and were at least relatively stylish. In fact, the first time I wore them, people actually commented that I looked stylish. I was very pleased hehe. But gradually, fashions changed and the clothes wore out, so I had to stop wearing them. It came to that magical 'once per year' clothes shopping time, so I headed out to my nearest yd store brimming with excitment. Only to find that they had nothing I liked, it was no longer funky casual, it was more dero than anything. Disappointed, I left yd behind and began to wander, not entirely sure where to go. I ended up at Tarocash, where something caught my eye. Wandering in to look closer, nothing really caught my eye after all. Except the store person hehe. She was a hot amro, and as the store was nearly empty she came across and started talking to me. It was great, she was the best salesperson I've ever met. Really friendly, happy to just chat as we looked at things and very helpful with advice and selecting things out for me to try. It was bizarre, we talked about holidays, gaming and so on - I felt connected to her in a way I hadn't felt with anyone for a long time. Guess it was just the whole 'hey look a new friend' kinda thing.
Anyway, she picked out a few things for me and I grimaced, being conservative. But she pushed me to try them on, so I did. One of the things I really didn't like was a relatively thin and tight black zip up jumper. When I put it on though, I didn't want to take it off. I realised it was the style I'd been searching for, for a long long time. Digging around a bit more I found several other things that were in a similar style, and got very excited. I bought a lot of stuff, hehe. As I was leaving I also threw in a white belt and a pair of white 'pimp' shoes. All very expensive, but to me, very cool as well. I was really happy with my shopping, and when a friend said to me 'Ah, good to see you finally wearing some clothes that fit', it sealed the deal.
I went back there recently to pick up a few more things and found some more gold, including something I would never had tried without coercion - a brown jumper. It worked well though - the salespeople in the store sure know their stuff. They told me the secret of being stylish - contrasting colours. White shoes, blue jeans, white shirt & black jumper, works well. I felt that I'd finally learnt one of the many lessons in life I missed as a teenager. So kudos to the Tarocash people :D I finally feel someone stylish and it's helped improve my ridiculously low confidence.
My Image
Wednesday, 28 March 2007, 22:13 +0800 GMT
I've recently become very concious of the image I project to other people. I realise that it's not a particularly good one. I think back to some recent encounters with new people and I try to see how I would appear to their eyes. Very closed, very shy. Not worth bothering with, in many ways. Too scared to talk to the new people and just unable to portray the real me. I would come across as boring, with nothing to say. What bothers me is that that is not who I am, or how I am. There is a real me inside that just doesn't come out when I'm with new people. Why not? I don't really know. Too afraid they won't like me, so I shell up. It became a habit years ago and habits die hard. A good example is meeting with some of my friend's colleagues at the recent LAN I went to. I could barely talk to them and it took me about 8 hours before I could even introduce myself to the guy who organised it all. Some of the people there I simply couldn't talk to. It's all very silly. I know I have my flaws, but I think I deserve better of myself. I don't think I'm that bad a person, and I think I come across ok once I've gotten to know someone and build some trust/confidence with them. I shouldn't be worried about what people think, at least until I have good cause to anyway. I'll try to remember that next time I meet new people hehe.
Wednesday, 28 March 2007, 22:13 +0800 GMT
I've recently become very concious of the image I project to other people. I realise that it's not a particularly good one. I think back to some recent encounters with new people and I try to see how I would appear to their eyes. Very closed, very shy. Not worth bothering with, in many ways. Too scared to talk to the new people and just unable to portray the real me. I would come across as boring, with nothing to say. What bothers me is that that is not who I am, or how I am. There is a real me inside that just doesn't come out when I'm with new people. Why not? I don't really know. Too afraid they won't like me, so I shell up. It became a habit years ago and habits die hard. A good example is meeting with some of my friend's colleagues at the recent LAN I went to. I could barely talk to them and it took me about 8 hours before I could even introduce myself to the guy who organised it all. Some of the people there I simply couldn't talk to. It's all very silly. I know I have my flaws, but I think I deserve better of myself. I don't think I'm that bad a person, and I think I come across ok once I've gotten to know someone and build some trust/confidence with them. I shouldn't be worried about what people think, at least until I have good cause to anyway. I'll try to remember that next time I meet new people hehe.
iiLan
Monday, 26 March 2007, 17:03 +0800 GMT
I was recently put onto audit support work for a large ISP in my city that several of my uni friends work for. It was bizarre seeing them out there working while I did my work, especially since we were so constrained by professional relationships that had to come ahead of good friendships. Strange world we live in. Anyway, I found out that they were having an internal LAN soon where anyone in the company could just come in on a weekend and play LAN games. Good times! Speaking to one of my closer friends out there, I showed an interest and he reckoned he could get me in. I figured because I was external auditor, I had some small claim to it as I did really work for the company in some respect! Naturally, I cleared it with the partner at work first, in case it was a breach of independence (damn auditing regulations! :/). Luckily it was ok, so I got to go, w00t!
I hadn't been to a LAN in a long time and it was so nice to experience it again. They'd done a good job with it, plenty of food and drinks (the usual - pizza, sugar, beer & red bull haha) and we got to use the call centre cubicles for our computer setups - neat deal. There were about 30 people there all up I think, and we had some awesome games going. Quake 3 got a huge amount of game time, as did Wolfenstein: Enemy Territory and Unreal Tournament 2004. I'm quite good at those games and eventually found that I was one of the top people there, duking it out with another guy sitting near me. He was better than me but I got lucky a few times, so we came out relvatively even. I think we both had a great time hunting each other hehe.
As it got later, a game of Command & Conquer Generals: Zero Hour was called for. I was excited, as my friend and I played this a lot. However, I didn't do very well and it upset me a lot. Unfortunately my friend and I play extremely defensively and can easily beat several hard computers simply through the way we play - plenty of patriots and then ion cannon rush. These guys limited superweapons (to one) which threw my tactics out the window, in addition I wasn't used to the Zero Hour additions, especially the fucking GLA surprise attack bunker. That thing is so annoying and unfair. So eventually, although I was far from beaten, I pulled out and wandered off to speak to my friends and play other games. I spent hours thinking about how I could have played better, but got over it eventually. All in all, a fantastic night, I wish it could happen more often.
Monday, 26 March 2007, 17:03 +0800 GMT
I was recently put onto audit support work for a large ISP in my city that several of my uni friends work for. It was bizarre seeing them out there working while I did my work, especially since we were so constrained by professional relationships that had to come ahead of good friendships. Strange world we live in. Anyway, I found out that they were having an internal LAN soon where anyone in the company could just come in on a weekend and play LAN games. Good times! Speaking to one of my closer friends out there, I showed an interest and he reckoned he could get me in. I figured because I was external auditor, I had some small claim to it as I did really work for the company in some respect! Naturally, I cleared it with the partner at work first, in case it was a breach of independence (damn auditing regulations! :/). Luckily it was ok, so I got to go, w00t!
I hadn't been to a LAN in a long time and it was so nice to experience it again. They'd done a good job with it, plenty of food and drinks (the usual - pizza, sugar, beer & red bull haha) and we got to use the call centre cubicles for our computer setups - neat deal. There were about 30 people there all up I think, and we had some awesome games going. Quake 3 got a huge amount of game time, as did Wolfenstein: Enemy Territory and Unreal Tournament 2004. I'm quite good at those games and eventually found that I was one of the top people there, duking it out with another guy sitting near me. He was better than me but I got lucky a few times, so we came out relvatively even. I think we both had a great time hunting each other hehe.
As it got later, a game of Command & Conquer Generals: Zero Hour was called for. I was excited, as my friend and I played this a lot. However, I didn't do very well and it upset me a lot. Unfortunately my friend and I play extremely defensively and can easily beat several hard computers simply through the way we play - plenty of patriots and then ion cannon rush. These guys limited superweapons (to one) which threw my tactics out the window, in addition I wasn't used to the Zero Hour additions, especially the fucking GLA surprise attack bunker. That thing is so annoying and unfair. So eventually, although I was far from beaten, I pulled out and wandered off to speak to my friends and play other games. I spent hours thinking about how I could have played better, but got over it eventually. All in all, a fantastic night, I wish it could happen more often.
eBay & Paypal
Monday, 19 March 2007, 22:32 +0800 GMT
I just started using eBay and Paypal, and I have to say they are totally awesome. eBay by itself is great but without a safe way to pay I wouldn't use it. Paypal is totally awesome, especially with a credit card linked into it. It allows you to make instant payments, which means you win the auction, pay, and the person gets the money instantly!! :) So you get your goods faster hehe. Much better than the blasted bank account direct debit, which takes about 5 days to clear - very painful. Overall it's a great system that works very well, I'm impressed by it. I've used it quite a bit already, and will keep doing so!! :)
Monday, 19 March 2007, 22:32 +0800 GMT
I just started using eBay and Paypal, and I have to say they are totally awesome. eBay by itself is great but without a safe way to pay I wouldn't use it. Paypal is totally awesome, especially with a credit card linked into it. It allows you to make instant payments, which means you win the auction, pay, and the person gets the money instantly!! :) So you get your goods faster hehe. Much better than the blasted bank account direct debit, which takes about 5 days to clear - very painful. Overall it's a great system that works very well, I'm impressed by it. I've used it quite a bit already, and will keep doing so!! :)
Lonely Feeling
Monday, 19 March 2007, 18:19 +0800 GMT
Sometimes I really hate music. It plays on my moods and brings back memories. When it does both at the same time it can reduce me to a useless human being lost in thoughts better left buried. As it does a lot of times, including today. I've just been to a birthday party for a friend from work, with the usual work crowd. Most of whom I feel little connection to. It upsets me, because for the first part I'm happy - chatting with the birthday boy, cooking the barbecue, talking about gym and Dark Crusade with my gym buddy friend. But soon enough I begin to lose my place amongst the human beings and drift off. Unable to make conversation, unable to find my place. Too strange, too far out of what it is that binds humans together in conversation. So I sit alone, tired and unhappy, until someone I can catch a lift with decides to leave.
Monday, 19 March 2007, 18:19 +0800 GMT
Sometimes I really hate music. It plays on my moods and brings back memories. When it does both at the same time it can reduce me to a useless human being lost in thoughts better left buried. As it does a lot of times, including today. I've just been to a birthday party for a friend from work, with the usual work crowd. Most of whom I feel little connection to. It upsets me, because for the first part I'm happy - chatting with the birthday boy, cooking the barbecue, talking about gym and Dark Crusade with my gym buddy friend. But soon enough I begin to lose my place amongst the human beings and drift off. Unable to make conversation, unable to find my place. Too strange, too far out of what it is that binds humans together in conversation. So I sit alone, tired and unhappy, until someone I can catch a lift with decides to leave.
Difference Between Expectations and Reality
Thursday, 15 March 2007, 22:18 +0800 GMT
I realised the other day that my expectations rarely match what actually happens in the world. I'm not just talking about judgement calls and silly assumptions. That happens but I'm usually relatively immune to it because of my sense of fairness and honour. I'm talking about when my expectations aren't met when they're based on, as far as I can tell, fact. For example, an ebay item I bought recently didn't arrive when I expected it to. The seller claimed the item was in a nearby state, so I would have expected it to arrive with a few days. It took more like 7 or 8 days. I was rather upset after 5 days and contacted the seller asking where the item was. They came up with some excuse which I had no choice to accept, and I ended up giving them positive feedback. The whole experience was rather mediocre though. I just really hate it when people set my expectations up based on fact (claiming they would ship within 1 day once payment was received, claiming shipping from where they were to where I was was 1 - 2 days, hence 2 - 3 day expected wait) and then let me down.
Thursday, 15 March 2007, 22:18 +0800 GMT
I realised the other day that my expectations rarely match what actually happens in the world. I'm not just talking about judgement calls and silly assumptions. That happens but I'm usually relatively immune to it because of my sense of fairness and honour. I'm talking about when my expectations aren't met when they're based on, as far as I can tell, fact. For example, an ebay item I bought recently didn't arrive when I expected it to. The seller claimed the item was in a nearby state, so I would have expected it to arrive with a few days. It took more like 7 or 8 days. I was rather upset after 5 days and contacted the seller asking where the item was. They came up with some excuse which I had no choice to accept, and I ended up giving them positive feedback. The whole experience was rather mediocre though. I just really hate it when people set my expectations up based on fact (claiming they would ship within 1 day once payment was received, claiming shipping from where they were to where I was was 1 - 2 days, hence 2 - 3 day expected wait) and then let me down.
Passive Aggressive
Sunday, 11 March 2007, 22:19 +0800 GMT
Passive aggressive. From all my experiences in the world and listening to others, passive aggressive is something that happens quite often and is generally considered a bad thing. I've encountered it a little bit lately and I really hate it, I have to say. I'm a big fan of people putting aside their petty differences and ridiculous fears of open discussion and getting down to sorting out any real issues through talking. That's why I find dealing with PA-ness so hard. All you ever get from someone who is like this is hassle and flack, yet it's never direct. It'll always be a slammed door, or something done for someone else but not you, or just something not done for you when you want it to be/expect it to be. It's very vexing. How can you solve the problem when you don't know what it is?
So I figure there is only really one mature solution - confront the person in whatever style you prefer. That said, yelling would be one way to do it, but I think sitting down and trying to have that mature, normal volume chat with the person is probably going to be the most effective. Thankfully, these things seem to always work themselves out, it's just a matter of time. Although naturally, if you have to deal with the PA person a lot, you can almost bet you're going to be encountering it again some time soon hehe. I just wish people wouldn't be PA, full stop. It doesn't solve any problems, and looking at it logically, why would you want to be PA? All you do is build up a knot of hate and spite in you which damages you, and you piss someone else off a lot as well. Not exactly a world saving idea. So here's to being direct about any problems you might have with another. If they get upset when you're direct, just tell them what it could be like if you were PA about it. I think they might even be grateful you're direct hehe.
Sunday, 11 March 2007, 22:19 +0800 GMT
Passive aggressive. From all my experiences in the world and listening to others, passive aggressive is something that happens quite often and is generally considered a bad thing. I've encountered it a little bit lately and I really hate it, I have to say. I'm a big fan of people putting aside their petty differences and ridiculous fears of open discussion and getting down to sorting out any real issues through talking. That's why I find dealing with PA-ness so hard. All you ever get from someone who is like this is hassle and flack, yet it's never direct. It'll always be a slammed door, or something done for someone else but not you, or just something not done for you when you want it to be/expect it to be. It's very vexing. How can you solve the problem when you don't know what it is?
So I figure there is only really one mature solution - confront the person in whatever style you prefer. That said, yelling would be one way to do it, but I think sitting down and trying to have that mature, normal volume chat with the person is probably going to be the most effective. Thankfully, these things seem to always work themselves out, it's just a matter of time. Although naturally, if you have to deal with the PA person a lot, you can almost bet you're going to be encountering it again some time soon hehe. I just wish people wouldn't be PA, full stop. It doesn't solve any problems, and looking at it logically, why would you want to be PA? All you do is build up a knot of hate and spite in you which damages you, and you piss someone else off a lot as well. Not exactly a world saving idea. So here's to being direct about any problems you might have with another. If they get upset when you're direct, just tell them what it could be like if you were PA about it. I think they might even be grateful you're direct hehe.
I'm Not Ready
Saturday, 10 March 2007, 20:23 +0800 GMT
Had a very interesting discussion with a friend today about my recently acquired knowledge in relation to social status and alpha males. When it comes to social status and alpha males I'm about the bottom of the pack. I'm socially inept, inert, non assertive and completely non alpha. So not very interesting to females or to discuss as the subject of an alpha male discussion. We had a good time discussing a few of our mutual friends though. We concluded that a lot of alpha males have the power to seduce a lot of women, but must choose how to use their power. Part of our inheritance is the alpha concept - many females, one male. The battle against other males for those women. Focus on multiple women though. It's a concept alpha males have to struggle with. And a deciding choice is made - sleep around or abandon physical urges for higher level societal mental values of monogamy. It's an interesting conflict. The whole alpha male concept is - attraction not being a choice for females if you are alpha enough. Of course it all ties in with social status. An interesting thought is that social status isn't necessarily always the same. I know a guy who doesn't have any social status with the ladies, really, like me. What he does have though, is the ability to create social status on an individual one-on-one level. He won't entertain a group and then take his pick of one or more. He'll identify one person then make his moves. And he's quite lucky with it, which is a surprise to me to be honest. He does it through building himself up though, believing that he can do anything he wants. Of course, where he falls down is that he can't do everything he wants. Initially to a girl he wouldn't be too attractive until she gets to know him. Then he's alluring, only until the girl gets to know him enough to realise he's not actually all that alhpa. So I suppose at that point he's either won her over enough to get her to stay, or he loses her. Interesting. Problem with all that is how do you deal with it. For me, I don't have any trouble because I'm so non-alpha I don't create any interest at all, before, during or after meeting a girl. For him, he does, and he struggles. He is alpha enough to be torn between multiple girls, wanting them all yet being insecure about it because he knows it's not right. So I suppose he has to make a choice - follow his instincts and sleep around, or stay true to his values and choose one. Either way it isn't going to be easy for him, and he's already made one mistake. Kinda scary, really. For all that we are we are still steeped in our ancestral primal ways of living. Tacked on top is our new found higher level of intelligence, through which our long traditional ways of living shine through.
Saturday, 10 March 2007, 20:23 +0800 GMT
Had a very interesting discussion with a friend today about my recently acquired knowledge in relation to social status and alpha males. When it comes to social status and alpha males I'm about the bottom of the pack. I'm socially inept, inert, non assertive and completely non alpha. So not very interesting to females or to discuss as the subject of an alpha male discussion. We had a good time discussing a few of our mutual friends though. We concluded that a lot of alpha males have the power to seduce a lot of women, but must choose how to use their power. Part of our inheritance is the alpha concept - many females, one male. The battle against other males for those women. Focus on multiple women though. It's a concept alpha males have to struggle with. And a deciding choice is made - sleep around or abandon physical urges for higher level societal mental values of monogamy. It's an interesting conflict. The whole alpha male concept is - attraction not being a choice for females if you are alpha enough. Of course it all ties in with social status. An interesting thought is that social status isn't necessarily always the same. I know a guy who doesn't have any social status with the ladies, really, like me. What he does have though, is the ability to create social status on an individual one-on-one level. He won't entertain a group and then take his pick of one or more. He'll identify one person then make his moves. And he's quite lucky with it, which is a surprise to me to be honest. He does it through building himself up though, believing that he can do anything he wants. Of course, where he falls down is that he can't do everything he wants. Initially to a girl he wouldn't be too attractive until she gets to know him. Then he's alluring, only until the girl gets to know him enough to realise he's not actually all that alhpa. So I suppose at that point he's either won her over enough to get her to stay, or he loses her. Interesting. Problem with all that is how do you deal with it. For me, I don't have any trouble because I'm so non-alpha I don't create any interest at all, before, during or after meeting a girl. For him, he does, and he struggles. He is alpha enough to be torn between multiple girls, wanting them all yet being insecure about it because he knows it's not right. So I suppose he has to make a choice - follow his instincts and sleep around, or stay true to his values and choose one. Either way it isn't going to be easy for him, and he's already made one mistake. Kinda scary, really. For all that we are we are still steeped in our ancestral primal ways of living. Tacked on top is our new found higher level of intelligence, through which our long traditional ways of living shine through.
Realising Hook Ups
Friday, 09 March 2007, 22:34 +0800 GMT
A few days ago I found myself remembering a certain situation from my past, but looking at it very differently. Over the past few months I've been trying to learn about relationships and how to get into one, as you do...it's been quite eye opening. I'm extremely, extremely naive when it comes to these kinds of things. With my new knowledge I'm slightly less naive and looking back I've seen a few things for what they really were (or at least, seem most probable). I met a girl (haha yes, yet another 'I met a girl' story) a while ago who I quite liked. At this time I was pretty low on confidence but managed to summon enough to go speak to her when she was sitting on her own one day. I wasn't sure what to say so I kept it simple, and kind of just let her talk. We ended up talking about family and so on, and I think we connected quite well. She was, like most people, surprised with my knowledge and interest in Chinese customs and ways of life, and the fact I was a twin. I was interested in her because of the way she spoke, way she thought and the fact she seemed interested in me (or at least, what I had to say). Oh, and because she was hot :D
I left it there that day but bumped into her a few times, each time it was just pretty laid back, talking crap and finding that we agreed on a lot of things and were interested in a couple of common areas. She was really nice. From here, a few things happened that at the time I didn't really understand. Back then, anyway. Although of course I'm not sure even now, I think having learnt quite a bit since then I'm in a much better position now to understand what really happened. The way we mirrored each others' postures, the way she kept saying she hadn't had a boyfriend in over a year and implied that she missed 'the benefits' (read: yes, what you're thinking), the way she initated (what seemed to me to be) some relatively serious physical contact, and finally the way she seemed to be quite happy for me to sleep in her hotel room (or at least, didn't indicate she didn't want me to).
Of course, at the time I was too busy worrying if she liked me. Too focused on three things - her as a potential girlfriend, the fact I may not be able to see her much in the future and the other girl in my head at the time. So pretty much all the signs above passed me over almost completely. I didn't think she really liked me all that much, because I was pretty paranoid. I was too worried about 'bothering her' by trying to talk to her. The physical contact caught me out totally by surprise as I definitely wasn't expecting it, had no experience with it before and wasn't used to it (I don't like being touched). It wasn't dodgy contact at all, just quite intimate for someone who's never really touched anyone before.
And the hotel room bit? Don't even get me started hehe. It's quite possible that I've daydreamed about this kind of thing before. You know, meeting a hot chick and ending up with her like that. Don't look at me like that, I'm sure if you're male you've thought about something like that...and if you're female then well, you've either thought about it or you haven't experienced being a male. So there! :D The irony being of course that it may well have happened had I not been so blind. Pretty much short of someone trying to touch me in certain ways, trying to kiss me or losing their clothes, I just won't pick up on what's going on. I remember at the time not really fully understanding what was going on. I remember feeling that it was strange that she didn't seem to mind if I slept there, even though there was only a queen sized bed. I also admittedly felt kind of excited (I would have been fine to just sleep next to this girl), although this was somewhat muted because I didn't really realise the full potential of the possibilities I think. But through it all came the uncertainty - the underlying worry of whether she liked me made me doubt her intentions (because I figured, as always, that she didn't like me) and my own feeling of inadequacy and lack of confidence. So in the end I mumbled something to the effect that I'd better sleep in my own room. Why? Because I didn't want to bother her.
Hahahaha. Looking back I realise how off the mark I was (or at least, seemed to be). I told an 'experienced' friend about what happened and as I listed the above 'signs' he started giving frustrated 'awwwwwwwwwwh' noises at about the third one. By the time I'd finished he was basically cringing and telling me that I'd missed out on some of the biggest signs possible that she was interested.
Of course, the other thing to consider is what she wanted. Obviously, it would have been at most a night of fun. It couldn't be more because there was great doubt that I'd be able to see her much later down the track, for various reasons. I still struggle with whether this is 'ok'. And I still struggle to deal with the concept of girls just having sex for fun. Even if I was 100% wanting to do it, I'd still struggle I think. Because how do I know whether a girl has really thought about sex. The ramifications of sex are really quite high; the potential problems are also high. Even with protection you've still got to worry about pregnancy and STDs, as it isn't 100% reliable. Do girls think about this before doing it? I don't know. I know I'm thinking about it all, which is why I can't decide what to do. With the media, advertising, TV, Internet and movies the way they are these days we're brought up in a world of sex. Throw in a guy who's savvy with seduction and using built in genetic tendancies, they all combine to a situation where a guy could possibly manipulate a girl who has never thought about it all into having sex. That's unacceptable to me. Of course, in the heat of the moment, how do you communicate all of this to a girl? That'd be the challenge. And more likely than not I'd end up not trusting them. Either way, it'd probably kill the moment. *shrug* thoughts to be had into the future I suppose. Anyway, the above was a revelation this week. Even if it wasn't that way in her mind, I'm pretty sure that's what it all meant. It's slightly helped to build my confidence and I see somewhat where some of the things I did worked to my favour.
Friday, 09 March 2007, 22:34 +0800 GMT
A few days ago I found myself remembering a certain situation from my past, but looking at it very differently. Over the past few months I've been trying to learn about relationships and how to get into one, as you do...it's been quite eye opening. I'm extremely, extremely naive when it comes to these kinds of things. With my new knowledge I'm slightly less naive and looking back I've seen a few things for what they really were (or at least, seem most probable). I met a girl (haha yes, yet another 'I met a girl' story) a while ago who I quite liked. At this time I was pretty low on confidence but managed to summon enough to go speak to her when she was sitting on her own one day. I wasn't sure what to say so I kept it simple, and kind of just let her talk. We ended up talking about family and so on, and I think we connected quite well. She was, like most people, surprised with my knowledge and interest in Chinese customs and ways of life, and the fact I was a twin. I was interested in her because of the way she spoke, way she thought and the fact she seemed interested in me (or at least, what I had to say). Oh, and because she was hot :D
I left it there that day but bumped into her a few times, each time it was just pretty laid back, talking crap and finding that we agreed on a lot of things and were interested in a couple of common areas. She was really nice. From here, a few things happened that at the time I didn't really understand. Back then, anyway. Although of course I'm not sure even now, I think having learnt quite a bit since then I'm in a much better position now to understand what really happened. The way we mirrored each others' postures, the way she kept saying she hadn't had a boyfriend in over a year and implied that she missed 'the benefits' (read: yes, what you're thinking), the way she initated (what seemed to me to be) some relatively serious physical contact, and finally the way she seemed to be quite happy for me to sleep in her hotel room (or at least, didn't indicate she didn't want me to).
Of course, at the time I was too busy worrying if she liked me. Too focused on three things - her as a potential girlfriend, the fact I may not be able to see her much in the future and the other girl in my head at the time. So pretty much all the signs above passed me over almost completely. I didn't think she really liked me all that much, because I was pretty paranoid. I was too worried about 'bothering her' by trying to talk to her. The physical contact caught me out totally by surprise as I definitely wasn't expecting it, had no experience with it before and wasn't used to it (I don't like being touched). It wasn't dodgy contact at all, just quite intimate for someone who's never really touched anyone before.
And the hotel room bit? Don't even get me started hehe. It's quite possible that I've daydreamed about this kind of thing before. You know, meeting a hot chick and ending up with her like that. Don't look at me like that, I'm sure if you're male you've thought about something like that...and if you're female then well, you've either thought about it or you haven't experienced being a male. So there! :D The irony being of course that it may well have happened had I not been so blind. Pretty much short of someone trying to touch me in certain ways, trying to kiss me or losing their clothes, I just won't pick up on what's going on. I remember at the time not really fully understanding what was going on. I remember feeling that it was strange that she didn't seem to mind if I slept there, even though there was only a queen sized bed. I also admittedly felt kind of excited (I would have been fine to just sleep next to this girl), although this was somewhat muted because I didn't really realise the full potential of the possibilities I think. But through it all came the uncertainty - the underlying worry of whether she liked me made me doubt her intentions (because I figured, as always, that she didn't like me) and my own feeling of inadequacy and lack of confidence. So in the end I mumbled something to the effect that I'd better sleep in my own room. Why? Because I didn't want to bother her.
Hahahaha. Looking back I realise how off the mark I was (or at least, seemed to be). I told an 'experienced' friend about what happened and as I listed the above 'signs' he started giving frustrated 'awwwwwwwwwwh' noises at about the third one. By the time I'd finished he was basically cringing and telling me that I'd missed out on some of the biggest signs possible that she was interested.
Of course, the other thing to consider is what she wanted. Obviously, it would have been at most a night of fun. It couldn't be more because there was great doubt that I'd be able to see her much later down the track, for various reasons. I still struggle with whether this is 'ok'. And I still struggle to deal with the concept of girls just having sex for fun. Even if I was 100% wanting to do it, I'd still struggle I think. Because how do I know whether a girl has really thought about sex. The ramifications of sex are really quite high; the potential problems are also high. Even with protection you've still got to worry about pregnancy and STDs, as it isn't 100% reliable. Do girls think about this before doing it? I don't know. I know I'm thinking about it all, which is why I can't decide what to do. With the media, advertising, TV, Internet and movies the way they are these days we're brought up in a world of sex. Throw in a guy who's savvy with seduction and using built in genetic tendancies, they all combine to a situation where a guy could possibly manipulate a girl who has never thought about it all into having sex. That's unacceptable to me. Of course, in the heat of the moment, how do you communicate all of this to a girl? That'd be the challenge. And more likely than not I'd end up not trusting them. Either way, it'd probably kill the moment. *shrug* thoughts to be had into the future I suppose. Anyway, the above was a revelation this week. Even if it wasn't that way in her mind, I'm pretty sure that's what it all meant. It's slightly helped to build my confidence and I see somewhat where some of the things I did worked to my favour.
Chinese New Year
Tuesday, 06 March 2007, 19:11 +0800 GMT
CNY was a bit of a fizzle for me again this year, but that's not surprising as I'm not Chinese hehe. I always want to be involved in the festivities but it never really works out. It's too much a family time to go with people to dinners and so on. Compared to previous years though, it wasn't actually all that bad. Uncle at work organised a lunch with one of the managers from audit, so about 30 of us wandered off to a Chinese restaurant for a CNY lunch. It wasn't bad, and above all it was nice to be just caught up in the festivities and happy feelings regardless of skin colour. We even did the 'toss the raw salmon and carrot' thing, for luck and prosperity. Later on, I went for dinner with a bunch of my uni friends, again to a Chinese restaurant in the city. We had a great time and again I really felt part of it. It was a nice change. That's where it ended though, unfortunately hehe. Still, one day out of two weeks isn't too bad =)
Tuesday, 06 March 2007, 19:11 +0800 GMT
CNY was a bit of a fizzle for me again this year, but that's not surprising as I'm not Chinese hehe. I always want to be involved in the festivities but it never really works out. It's too much a family time to go with people to dinners and so on. Compared to previous years though, it wasn't actually all that bad. Uncle at work organised a lunch with one of the managers from audit, so about 30 of us wandered off to a Chinese restaurant for a CNY lunch. It wasn't bad, and above all it was nice to be just caught up in the festivities and happy feelings regardless of skin colour. We even did the 'toss the raw salmon and carrot' thing, for luck and prosperity. Later on, I went for dinner with a bunch of my uni friends, again to a Chinese restaurant in the city. We had a great time and again I really felt part of it. It was a nice change. That's where it ended though, unfortunately hehe. Still, one day out of two weeks isn't too bad =)
Physical Comfort
Tuesday, 06 March 2007, 18:43 +0800 GMT
I've been feeling the need for physical...touch, I suppose, again recently. Closest to a human male version of heat I suppose. I get like this now and again. At 23, I've never had a girlfriend and I barely interact physically with anyone, let alone in a more-than-friends way with a girl. So I'm pretty out of it. I really hate the feeling when it comes up. It makes me feel hopeless and it can alter the way I think. Well, it's perhaps more that I find myself thinking things I normally wouldn't. Not bad things, just thinking about girls more, noticing them more and so on. Normal stuff I guess. I just don't know how to deal with it.
Tuesday, 06 March 2007, 18:43 +0800 GMT
I've been feeling the need for physical...touch, I suppose, again recently. Closest to a human male version of heat I suppose. I get like this now and again. At 23, I've never had a girlfriend and I barely interact physically with anyone, let alone in a more-than-friends way with a girl. So I'm pretty out of it. I really hate the feeling when it comes up. It makes me feel hopeless and it can alter the way I think. Well, it's perhaps more that I find myself thinking things I normally wouldn't. Not bad things, just thinking about girls more, noticing them more and so on. Normal stuff I guess. I just don't know how to deal with it.
Chasing Chicks :D
Sunday, 04 March 2007, 19:17 +0800 GMT
One of my colleagues recently started talking to me about how he'd suddenly managed to 'find his mojo', so to speak. Over the Christmas break he'd 'captivated' a few girls and had ended up with them staying over at his place. I was intrigued to know what had changed, as before that he hadn't been very successful with the ladies. He told me it was mainly down to making the choice to 'put himself out there'. Instead of sitting on the sidelines, he would actually get up and dance. He would ask people he liked the look of to dance, even interrupting groups of girls to ask one if he felt the vibe was right. I liked this story. While I don't condone what he did after that, I did like the notion that he'd come from nothing to something. It made me think, maybe I can too.
Sunday, 04 March 2007, 19:17 +0800 GMT
One of my colleagues recently started talking to me about how he'd suddenly managed to 'find his mojo', so to speak. Over the Christmas break he'd 'captivated' a few girls and had ended up with them staying over at his place. I was intrigued to know what had changed, as before that he hadn't been very successful with the ladies. He told me it was mainly down to making the choice to 'put himself out there'. Instead of sitting on the sidelines, he would actually get up and dance. He would ask people he liked the look of to dance, even interrupting groups of girls to ask one if he felt the vibe was right. I liked this story. While I don't condone what he did after that, I did like the notion that he'd come from nothing to something. It made me think, maybe I can too.
Paying Off Accomodation
Thursday, 01 March 2007, 23:01 +0800 GMT
Not long to go now until I'm finally in Japan - it's been a long 9 months coming hehe. I finally got the bill for my accommodation from my travel agent the other day, it was pretty painful! Such is life if you want to stay in hotels in central locations, I suppose (I can't really deal with backpacker/shared accommodation). I realised, of course, when I got the bill, that I couldn't pay it all at once. I don't have a credit card and don't use Internet banking, so I my only option was EFTPOS. Which has a daily limit which was far below the total cost of the accommodation! So I'm having to go in to the travel agent once a week or so, where I basically max out my EFTPOS limit for the day hehe. Going to take a few goes to get it all paid for doing it this way, but at least doing it over several weeks I can keep the money in my account earning interest hehe.
Thursday, 01 March 2007, 23:01 +0800 GMT
Not long to go now until I'm finally in Japan - it's been a long 9 months coming hehe. I finally got the bill for my accommodation from my travel agent the other day, it was pretty painful! Such is life if you want to stay in hotels in central locations, I suppose (I can't really deal with backpacker/shared accommodation). I realised, of course, when I got the bill, that I couldn't pay it all at once. I don't have a credit card and don't use Internet banking, so I my only option was EFTPOS. Which has a daily limit which was far below the total cost of the accommodation! So I'm having to go in to the travel agent once a week or so, where I basically max out my EFTPOS limit for the day hehe. Going to take a few goes to get it all paid for doing it this way, but at least doing it over several weeks I can keep the money in my account earning interest hehe.
Preparing for Japan
Wednesday, 27 February 2007, 18:19 +0800 GMT
I've started to prepare for my Japan trip with a bit more gusto now! As part of the yearly 'sales' we have just after Christmas, I managed to bag myself an awesome 75L proper backpacking backpack. It took almost 2 months to order in due to various stuff ups, but I finally have it! It's so cool, it took me almost 30 minutes to work it all out as there are so many zips and straps on it. I also picked up a few 'unbreakable' water bottles, some extra strong & comfortable walking shoes, and a water 'resistant' jacket. So I was well kitted out in terms of material goods.
So a couple of weeks ago I turned my mind towards making sure I have somewhere to sleep at night while I'm there! I'd pretty much locked down my itinerary by then, so I could begin looking for hotels. My travel agent took care of a lot of it, I just gave her a price range and told her I wanted to be central (near the train station) wherever I went, and she did the rest. For the places I didn't like her suggestions or had already heard of great places to stay, I booked places directly myself. All in all it came together well! Am really looking forward to going, not long now!!
Wednesday, 27 February 2007, 18:19 +0800 GMT
I've started to prepare for my Japan trip with a bit more gusto now! As part of the yearly 'sales' we have just after Christmas, I managed to bag myself an awesome 75L proper backpacking backpack. It took almost 2 months to order in due to various stuff ups, but I finally have it! It's so cool, it took me almost 30 minutes to work it all out as there are so many zips and straps on it. I also picked up a few 'unbreakable' water bottles, some extra strong & comfortable walking shoes, and a water 'resistant' jacket. So I was well kitted out in terms of material goods.
So a couple of weeks ago I turned my mind towards making sure I have somewhere to sleep at night while I'm there! I'd pretty much locked down my itinerary by then, so I could begin looking for hotels. My travel agent took care of a lot of it, I just gave her a price range and told her I wanted to be central (near the train station) wherever I went, and she did the rest. For the places I didn't like her suggestions or had already heard of great places to stay, I booked places directly myself. All in all it came together well! Am really looking forward to going, not long now!!
Work Pains (Again)
Saturday, 23 February 2007, 19:08 +0800 GMT
Despite all I've learnt recently, and how much I feel I've changed, I came crashing down today. It's strange - recently my weekends have been so much more enjoyable that even work has seemed to be more bearable. Until today. The problem with the nature of my work is that it can all spring up once hehe. Last week on Wednesday I had no client work to do, but at least 5 engagements hovering over my head. Today, I started a new one and suddenly 3 of the old ones reared up and demanded attention. Needless to say I lost all poise and positive thought processes and reverted to my frustrated self with the inner fire of irritation, helplessness and lack of control building up. Thankfully I managed to catch my line manager who calmed me down but it's a common thread with me recently. The one good thing about it is that I could look on myself differently and see myself almost from 3rd person. There was a new vacation worker sitting near me when I started to get increasingly frustrated and unhappy. Eventually I had enough when yet another voicemail came through (my phone rang 10+ times today) so I stood up and threw my compendium onto my desk. The metal zip on it clanged against the metal trays mounted on my desk quite loudly. That drew the attention of one of the EAs who looked troubled briefly and then quickly looked away when she saw the look of sheer frustration and seething unhappiness on my face. I walked out of the office and out onto the raised platform outside, trying to calm myself down. I realised how it must have come across to the EA, not to mention the vacation worker. She's in her job for one day and a guy vents his stress (albeit quite mildly) right near her. If I was her I would have been afraid of the crazy guy chucking stuff on his desk, or at least decided he wasn't the kind of guy I wanted to meet. Even if it was subconcious. A poor first impression. It also doesn't paint a good picture of the firm. Which is not really fair, because it's the job that gets to me, not the firm.
I also feel I've let down some of the people at work too. With the craziness recently I hadn't prepared as much for a client meeting as I could have (although I didn't do too badly) and I've been pretty short with my favourite senior manager. He came across today to ask me if I was coming to the planning meeting and I basically said nope. I didn't even know about it, it was still sitting in my inbox waiting for me to look at it. Similarly, I owe this manager a report from last year that I've been waiting for management comments for. Only I realised that I hadn't updated the report from discussions last year and sent out the new one for comment. And with the craziness I haven't had a chance to do so. Naturally, in my downtime last week I could have done it (and should have done it), but I was playing in the lab setting up the equipment. I think it's a sign of my complete lack of motivation in this job. That sure as hell doesn't excuse my behaviour though. All in all I'm not happy with myself and the way I've handled these and other situations lately. I don't really know what to do. At least I've worked out that I'm not happy and am not still denying it and claiming it's normal behaviour. I realise I'm getting increasingly frustrated and difficult to work with but don't know what do to about it. I've got to get the hell out of my current job but don't know what to go to, and can't do anything until after my JET interview in late February anyway *sigh*. Will see what happens. In the meantime I don't know what to do. I'd usually say I'm going to work on it but that's not true, I don't think I will. So it could get mighty interesting at work coming up.
Saturday, 23 February 2007, 19:08 +0800 GMT
Despite all I've learnt recently, and how much I feel I've changed, I came crashing down today. It's strange - recently my weekends have been so much more enjoyable that even work has seemed to be more bearable. Until today. The problem with the nature of my work is that it can all spring up once hehe. Last week on Wednesday I had no client work to do, but at least 5 engagements hovering over my head. Today, I started a new one and suddenly 3 of the old ones reared up and demanded attention. Needless to say I lost all poise and positive thought processes and reverted to my frustrated self with the inner fire of irritation, helplessness and lack of control building up. Thankfully I managed to catch my line manager who calmed me down but it's a common thread with me recently. The one good thing about it is that I could look on myself differently and see myself almost from 3rd person. There was a new vacation worker sitting near me when I started to get increasingly frustrated and unhappy. Eventually I had enough when yet another voicemail came through (my phone rang 10+ times today) so I stood up and threw my compendium onto my desk. The metal zip on it clanged against the metal trays mounted on my desk quite loudly. That drew the attention of one of the EAs who looked troubled briefly and then quickly looked away when she saw the look of sheer frustration and seething unhappiness on my face. I walked out of the office and out onto the raised platform outside, trying to calm myself down. I realised how it must have come across to the EA, not to mention the vacation worker. She's in her job for one day and a guy vents his stress (albeit quite mildly) right near her. If I was her I would have been afraid of the crazy guy chucking stuff on his desk, or at least decided he wasn't the kind of guy I wanted to meet. Even if it was subconcious. A poor first impression. It also doesn't paint a good picture of the firm. Which is not really fair, because it's the job that gets to me, not the firm.
I also feel I've let down some of the people at work too. With the craziness recently I hadn't prepared as much for a client meeting as I could have (although I didn't do too badly) and I've been pretty short with my favourite senior manager. He came across today to ask me if I was coming to the planning meeting and I basically said nope. I didn't even know about it, it was still sitting in my inbox waiting for me to look at it. Similarly, I owe this manager a report from last year that I've been waiting for management comments for. Only I realised that I hadn't updated the report from discussions last year and sent out the new one for comment. And with the craziness I haven't had a chance to do so. Naturally, in my downtime last week I could have done it (and should have done it), but I was playing in the lab setting up the equipment. I think it's a sign of my complete lack of motivation in this job. That sure as hell doesn't excuse my behaviour though. All in all I'm not happy with myself and the way I've handled these and other situations lately. I don't really know what to do. At least I've worked out that I'm not happy and am not still denying it and claiming it's normal behaviour. I realise I'm getting increasingly frustrated and difficult to work with but don't know what do to about it. I've got to get the hell out of my current job but don't know what to go to, and can't do anything until after my JET interview in late February anyway *sigh*. Will see what happens. In the meantime I don't know what to do. I'd usually say I'm going to work on it but that's not true, I don't think I will. So it could get mighty interesting at work coming up.
JET Interview
Friday, 22 February 2007, 19:41 +0800 GMT
So I finally had my JET interview today. A whole 12 weeks after I submitted my written application. Such a long wait was pretty painful and I just wanted to get it all over with. As an aside, the impossibility of planning my life while waiting for this interview was actually beneficial. Without it I think I would have quit work and possibly ended up even more down in life than before. So cheers for that, JET! I'm actually enjoying work a little more now.
Regardless, the big day came. I had been rather slack in preparing for my interview, to be honest. I did a few hours the other day and a couple last night. I was satisfied that I'd done about as much as I could by the end of it though. Unfortunately I didn't get to bed until midnight last night and couldn't sleep initially/didn't sleep well the whole night. So woke up really tired. Managed to get myself into work on time but couldn't really do any work, I was too hyped up. Got to the interview place about 15 minutes early (they said to come no less than 10 minutes early). Spent the time talking to a girl who was going for the 'CIR' JET position - she seemed nice. She said she was very nervous so I tried to build her up, I think it worked. Unfortunately, I wish I could have done the same for myself.
I get very when it comes to interviews. I've never been confident and although I can come across confident with people I know, I'm a wreck when meeting new people. Fearing that people won't like me. And in the workplace, fearing I won't understand or have the skills to do what I need to do. So I'm literally a nervous wreck. Talking to this girl I was fine, not too many nerves showing. I walked into the room and met the three people who were going to interview me. A half Asian looking lady, a very Australian old man and a middle aged clearly Japanese man. They all seemed quite nice, but I was especially wary of the old Australian man. I find these kind of people hardest to deal with (experience with selling Lotto, perhaps - find them strong willed and hard to please). They all seemed very friendly though, as I shook hands with them.
Three interviewers made it quite daunting for me, I've only experienced two before maximum. I was ok up to the point where I sat down. As soon as I sat down, I completely lost my focus. The lady launched straight out with a question - something to the effect of 'What is your purpose in applying for the JET program?'. Naturally, I was in a perfect position to answer it straight from the heart. However, the lack of customary 'good interviewer' technique (i.e. small talk at the start to make sure the interviewee is settled in) caught me by surprise. The question felt like a gunshot and I was taken aback. I made a very bad start by mumbling, overemphasizing and claiming that 'I've always been interested in Japan'. Which is a lie - I've been interested in it since I studied it in uni. Unfortunately I couldn't get out the answer I wanted to, I was just too stressed. I ended up getting some good points out but they were poorly presented, not logically structured or ordered and I kept repeating and going back to add to previous points instead of putting them all out there at once. I mumbled and stopped a lot too, but eventually managed to blurt out that I would have a chance to use my customer service skills. Ironically, my interpersonal skills were shit at that point hehe, as I could barely talk. My trademark of nervousness is choking mid word, which I did three times. Eventually I asked for some water and was ok after that, it calmed me down and wet my dry mouth.
The next question was about adaptability, which I again struggled with as I was still reeling and nervous. I managed to bring up the points of approaching problems logically and how EY trained us to be able to deal with uncertain situations/provided generic means to approach problems. I spoke about how I would attempt to solve any problems where I accidentally offended anyone etc. Still, again I couldn't portray the answer the way I wanted to as I saw it in my head. Defeated by the anxiety. The next question didn't help, as it was about teaching 13 year olds. I had nothing, other than the fact I was moving into a senior role and was teaching junior 19+ year old staff). I mumbled that I had life experience as a 13 year old and moved onto trying to tie the question back to generic teaching methods. Making sure I approach them at their level, knowing what they needed to know, the difference between my knowledge and theirs, asking probing questions to see if they'd learnt. The old guy didn't seem to like my answers to this one. I stuffed up a few other questions but in the end I think I answered the rest quite well. I was calmer by then and had a few laughs with the panel.
Overall, I don't think I did very well. The stuff ups and complete nervousness for the first two questions looked bad, especially when you're interviewing to find out how the interviewee is going to handle stressful situations in a completely different culture. I just wish I wasn't so damn nervous and had so little confidence. I really hate myself sometimes, because even though I know there's no reason to be nervous and that being so is going to be a big problem in the interview, I can't stop it. People said not to worry because it's expected that you'll be nervous as an interviewee ... problem is, I don't think they know *how* nervous. I'm not talking about not being able to smile or crack a laugh. I'm talking complete loss of though train, rambling, poor presentation of thoughts and physical choking. I guess at least I got more confident, answered some questions with ripper answers, demonstrated a bit of knowledge and made them laugh a few times. Hopefully that'll stick when they think of me, but I doubt it. Overall they didn't seem too enthusiastic. The lady looked more like she pitied me and the old guy looked away in almost what seemed to be contempt at times. The Japanese guy was just...there, really. He asked some language questions that were evil and then told me they didn't matter in the grand scheme of things. I was like ... right...thanks for that. *shrug*
I don't think I did well but after talking to others I think I probably did better than I thought at the time. What I'll say is this - based on my performance I don't think I deserve this opportunity. If I get it, I will be very happy. If I don't I'll be shattered, but prepared for it and can accept it. Once again, undone by an interview. For now, I will simply assume that I will not be getting it, and will try to forget about the whole thing until I get the negative call in April some time. No point being upset about this kind of thing when there's nothing that can be done for the next two months.
Friday, 22 February 2007, 19:41 +0800 GMT
So I finally had my JET interview today. A whole 12 weeks after I submitted my written application. Such a long wait was pretty painful and I just wanted to get it all over with. As an aside, the impossibility of planning my life while waiting for this interview was actually beneficial. Without it I think I would have quit work and possibly ended up even more down in life than before. So cheers for that, JET! I'm actually enjoying work a little more now.
Regardless, the big day came. I had been rather slack in preparing for my interview, to be honest. I did a few hours the other day and a couple last night. I was satisfied that I'd done about as much as I could by the end of it though. Unfortunately I didn't get to bed until midnight last night and couldn't sleep initially/didn't sleep well the whole night. So woke up really tired. Managed to get myself into work on time but couldn't really do any work, I was too hyped up. Got to the interview place about 15 minutes early (they said to come no less than 10 minutes early). Spent the time talking to a girl who was going for the 'CIR' JET position - she seemed nice. She said she was very nervous so I tried to build her up, I think it worked. Unfortunately, I wish I could have done the same for myself.
I get very when it comes to interviews. I've never been confident and although I can come across confident with people I know, I'm a wreck when meeting new people. Fearing that people won't like me. And in the workplace, fearing I won't understand or have the skills to do what I need to do. So I'm literally a nervous wreck. Talking to this girl I was fine, not too many nerves showing. I walked into the room and met the three people who were going to interview me. A half Asian looking lady, a very Australian old man and a middle aged clearly Japanese man. They all seemed quite nice, but I was especially wary of the old Australian man. I find these kind of people hardest to deal with (experience with selling Lotto, perhaps - find them strong willed and hard to please). They all seemed very friendly though, as I shook hands with them.
Three interviewers made it quite daunting for me, I've only experienced two before maximum. I was ok up to the point where I sat down. As soon as I sat down, I completely lost my focus. The lady launched straight out with a question - something to the effect of 'What is your purpose in applying for the JET program?'. Naturally, I was in a perfect position to answer it straight from the heart. However, the lack of customary 'good interviewer' technique (i.e. small talk at the start to make sure the interviewee is settled in) caught me by surprise. The question felt like a gunshot and I was taken aback. I made a very bad start by mumbling, overemphasizing and claiming that 'I've always been interested in Japan'. Which is a lie - I've been interested in it since I studied it in uni. Unfortunately I couldn't get out the answer I wanted to, I was just too stressed. I ended up getting some good points out but they were poorly presented, not logically structured or ordered and I kept repeating and going back to add to previous points instead of putting them all out there at once. I mumbled and stopped a lot too, but eventually managed to blurt out that I would have a chance to use my customer service skills. Ironically, my interpersonal skills were shit at that point hehe, as I could barely talk. My trademark of nervousness is choking mid word, which I did three times. Eventually I asked for some water and was ok after that, it calmed me down and wet my dry mouth.
The next question was about adaptability, which I again struggled with as I was still reeling and nervous. I managed to bring up the points of approaching problems logically and how EY trained us to be able to deal with uncertain situations/provided generic means to approach problems. I spoke about how I would attempt to solve any problems where I accidentally offended anyone etc. Still, again I couldn't portray the answer the way I wanted to as I saw it in my head. Defeated by the anxiety. The next question didn't help, as it was about teaching 13 year olds. I had nothing, other than the fact I was moving into a senior role and was teaching junior 19+ year old staff). I mumbled that I had life experience as a 13 year old and moved onto trying to tie the question back to generic teaching methods. Making sure I approach them at their level, knowing what they needed to know, the difference between my knowledge and theirs, asking probing questions to see if they'd learnt. The old guy didn't seem to like my answers to this one. I stuffed up a few other questions but in the end I think I answered the rest quite well. I was calmer by then and had a few laughs with the panel.
Overall, I don't think I did very well. The stuff ups and complete nervousness for the first two questions looked bad, especially when you're interviewing to find out how the interviewee is going to handle stressful situations in a completely different culture. I just wish I wasn't so damn nervous and had so little confidence. I really hate myself sometimes, because even though I know there's no reason to be nervous and that being so is going to be a big problem in the interview, I can't stop it. People said not to worry because it's expected that you'll be nervous as an interviewee ... problem is, I don't think they know *how* nervous. I'm not talking about not being able to smile or crack a laugh. I'm talking complete loss of though train, rambling, poor presentation of thoughts and physical choking. I guess at least I got more confident, answered some questions with ripper answers, demonstrated a bit of knowledge and made them laugh a few times. Hopefully that'll stick when they think of me, but I doubt it. Overall they didn't seem too enthusiastic. The lady looked more like she pitied me and the old guy looked away in almost what seemed to be contempt at times. The Japanese guy was just...there, really. He asked some language questions that were evil and then told me they didn't matter in the grand scheme of things. I was like ... right...thanks for that. *shrug*
I don't think I did well but after talking to others I think I probably did better than I thought at the time. What I'll say is this - based on my performance I don't think I deserve this opportunity. If I get it, I will be very happy. If I don't I'll be shattered, but prepared for it and can accept it. Once again, undone by an interview. For now, I will simply assume that I will not be getting it, and will try to forget about the whole thing until I get the negative call in April some time. No point being upset about this kind of thing when there's nothing that can be done for the next two months.
What Do Men & Women See in Each Other?
Thursday, 21 February 2007, 21:32 +0800 GMT
I don't really see what the genders see in each other. Well, besides physical attraction. I don't find myself attracted to the mind of many women (or any men, for that matter :D). They're more annoying, than anything - no more annoying than men, just in a different way. The way they tend to be so clanny - never able to go anywhere without at least one other girl, always chatting and talking and gossiping in high pitched voices. Just irritates the hell out of me. As I mentioned, men annoy me too for various reasons, but as this topic is about genders seeing things in each other I'm going to stick to talking about women. The above aside I tend to see women the same way I do men - I don't really consider them differently, they're all just 'people'. I don't really categorise men and women when it comes to talking mind to mind. Don't see that many differences to be honest, at least not in the *way* we communicate. Sure, females may think differently on many subjects, but they still communicate in a similar way to men. So I think I'm still missing that link that causes me to be attracted to women through more than just their physical appearance. Thinking the way I do, minds of women aren't attractive because they mean the same to me as the minds of men, which while friendship blossoms from, love does not. *shrug* strange, huh!
Thursday, 21 February 2007, 21:32 +0800 GMT
I don't really see what the genders see in each other. Well, besides physical attraction. I don't find myself attracted to the mind of many women (or any men, for that matter :D). They're more annoying, than anything - no more annoying than men, just in a different way. The way they tend to be so clanny - never able to go anywhere without at least one other girl, always chatting and talking and gossiping in high pitched voices. Just irritates the hell out of me. As I mentioned, men annoy me too for various reasons, but as this topic is about genders seeing things in each other I'm going to stick to talking about women. The above aside I tend to see women the same way I do men - I don't really consider them differently, they're all just 'people'. I don't really categorise men and women when it comes to talking mind to mind. Don't see that many differences to be honest, at least not in the *way* we communicate. Sure, females may think differently on many subjects, but they still communicate in a similar way to men. So I think I'm still missing that link that causes me to be attracted to women through more than just their physical appearance. Thinking the way I do, minds of women aren't attractive because they mean the same to me as the minds of men, which while friendship blossoms from, love does not. *shrug* strange, huh!
Drinks
Sunday, 17 February 2007, 01:27 +0800 GMT
I hung around at work tonight to have a few drinks with my colleagues. It was quite good fun, plenty of people stayed behind and we had some good laughs and discussions. Our final set of vacation workers also attended, as well as some of the HR people. Which was a nice change. Towards the end I started to get a bit bored so went to go back to my desk. As I did I ran into one of my favourite HR people. We chatted for a while and she told me how glad she was that the vacation program (which spanned nearly 3 months) was finally over. She said she just wanted to go out and get drunk. I wasn't particularly impressed by that, but figured it's her choice. One of the guys from my division was 'chaperoning' her so I was happier than if she was with randoms. I know that he'll look after her, he's good like that.
My only concern was that towards the end before they left to go drinking, he got very touchy with her. I still struggle with this. I'm better than I used to be and don't mind some touching now. I just felt that what was going on between them was inappropriate. I'm not talking about him touching her inappropriately inappropriately (i.e. harrassment or anything), just inappropriate from my point of view. By that I mean if her boyfriend was there I definitely wouldn't have been touching her the way he was. I just don't understand why people do this. Obviously alcohol is a factor. She didn't seem to be able to work out whether she was annoyed or liked it. Quite often a flash of irritation would come up onto her face but would then vanish as quick as it came. Sometimes she'd grin and laugh and touch him back.
Am I just jealous? No, I can say that I'm definitely not. I just didn't think it was appropriate given the situation (she was rather tipsy) and the fact she has a long term boyfriend. He should have toned it down. It's something I've always found irritating with him. Still, as I said so long as he looks after her and doesn't try to go further, I suppose it's fine. In the end it's up to her to complain if she doesn't like it, I guess.
Sunday, 17 February 2007, 01:27 +0800 GMT
I hung around at work tonight to have a few drinks with my colleagues. It was quite good fun, plenty of people stayed behind and we had some good laughs and discussions. Our final set of vacation workers also attended, as well as some of the HR people. Which was a nice change. Towards the end I started to get a bit bored so went to go back to my desk. As I did I ran into one of my favourite HR people. We chatted for a while and she told me how glad she was that the vacation program (which spanned nearly 3 months) was finally over. She said she just wanted to go out and get drunk. I wasn't particularly impressed by that, but figured it's her choice. One of the guys from my division was 'chaperoning' her so I was happier than if she was with randoms. I know that he'll look after her, he's good like that.
My only concern was that towards the end before they left to go drinking, he got very touchy with her. I still struggle with this. I'm better than I used to be and don't mind some touching now. I just felt that what was going on between them was inappropriate. I'm not talking about him touching her inappropriately inappropriately (i.e. harrassment or anything), just inappropriate from my point of view. By that I mean if her boyfriend was there I definitely wouldn't have been touching her the way he was. I just don't understand why people do this. Obviously alcohol is a factor. She didn't seem to be able to work out whether she was annoyed or liked it. Quite often a flash of irritation would come up onto her face but would then vanish as quick as it came. Sometimes she'd grin and laugh and touch him back.
Am I just jealous? No, I can say that I'm definitely not. I just didn't think it was appropriate given the situation (she was rather tipsy) and the fact she has a long term boyfriend. He should have toned it down. It's something I've always found irritating with him. Still, as I said so long as he looks after her and doesn't try to go further, I suppose it's fine. In the end it's up to her to complain if she doesn't like it, I guess.
A New Era
Friday, 15 February 2007, 19:37 +0800 GMT
Caught up rather unexpectedly with one of my colleagues at drinks tonight. He's recently found his 'mojo' so to speak. His story is interesting, because previously he was similar to me - useless with women. Now he's not a pro, but he sure does ok. He recently hooked up with a really cute Japanese/Australian girl. The best thing, he said, is that he doesn't go out looking for a 'good time' or someone who could be a girlfriend. He just goes out to meet people and have fun. In this case, it worked so well she jumped him one night at his house!
Since he's started in all this and I'm still clueless, he wants to take me with him one night to meet some new people. Jokes aside, it's a great idea I think. I do like meeting new people, or at least recognise that it's time I did. No offence to the people I know, but it gets boring seeing the same people all the time. So I guess I'll head down on Tuesday night and see where I get to from there.
Friday, 15 February 2007, 19:37 +0800 GMT
Caught up rather unexpectedly with one of my colleagues at drinks tonight. He's recently found his 'mojo' so to speak. His story is interesting, because previously he was similar to me - useless with women. Now he's not a pro, but he sure does ok. He recently hooked up with a really cute Japanese/Australian girl. The best thing, he said, is that he doesn't go out looking for a 'good time' or someone who could be a girlfriend. He just goes out to meet people and have fun. In this case, it worked so well she jumped him one night at his house!
Since he's started in all this and I'm still clueless, he wants to take me with him one night to meet some new people. Jokes aside, it's a great idea I think. I do like meeting new people, or at least recognise that it's time I did. No offence to the people I know, but it gets boring seeing the same people all the time. So I guess I'll head down on Tuesday night and see where I get to from there.
Women Go Out With Men They Admit Are Jerks
Friday, 15 February 2007, 19:22 +0800 GMT
I overheard a conversation recently where a girl said to a guy that yes, women tend to go out with men they admit are jerks. Which I found very interesting. Strikes me as this old social status/alpha thing I've been going on about so excitedly recently. A guy can attract a girl if he's alpha enough and has enough social status. That part might be easy. Keeping her is probably harder. If he continues as an alpha he'll probably keep treating her poorly and then she'll realise her mistake and leave him. It's the initial part that's so twisted, though. Talking to a friend she mentioned she thinks a lot of girls quieten down after a while and start looking for quieter, more stable, less alpha guys once they get bitter from the way they're treated by a lot of alphas. Based on what little I know of ancient and modern society, seems to me that it's probably quite true.
Friday, 15 February 2007, 19:22 +0800 GMT
I overheard a conversation recently where a girl said to a guy that yes, women tend to go out with men they admit are jerks. Which I found very interesting. Strikes me as this old social status/alpha thing I've been going on about so excitedly recently. A guy can attract a girl if he's alpha enough and has enough social status. That part might be easy. Keeping her is probably harder. If he continues as an alpha he'll probably keep treating her poorly and then she'll realise her mistake and leave him. It's the initial part that's so twisted, though. Talking to a friend she mentioned she thinks a lot of girls quieten down after a while and start looking for quieter, more stable, less alpha guys once they get bitter from the way they're treated by a lot of alphas. Based on what little I know of ancient and modern society, seems to me that it's probably quite true.
Japan!
Wednesday, 13 February 2007, 18:43 +0800 GMT
Getting quite excited about my Japan trip now - only 39 days to go! I dropped in on my travel agent last week to check how she was going with my accommodation. I was little annoyed that she hadn't contacted me recently but it turns out that she has just changed travel agencies, which explains it! Unfortunately a lot of my accommodation is rather custom (read: from Lonely Planet) so she wasn't able to book it directly for me. Which means I have to book it myself. Not a huge problem, two of the places have great websites and one you book when you rock up. The other will be a little more tricky I think - you have to book on a Japanese web site. A little scary given my rather poor Japanese skills. Will have to try to con one of my friends into helping me book it.
So all in all, going well. So far it has cost me only $16 (airfares) but I have a horrible feeling that the accommodation is going to kill me. I did a rough total up and so far it seems that it'll come out at about $4,500. There are some 'nice' places in there though, and some ryokans, which tend to increase the price a fair bit.
Just the long countdown to the flight now I suppose, besides picking up the rest of the gear I'll need like clothes. Looking out for those on special and so on. I figure of the 39 days remaining, 8 are weekends and there is a public holiday in there and a day of leave somewhere, so only just under another 6 weeks at work!
Wednesday, 13 February 2007, 18:43 +0800 GMT
Getting quite excited about my Japan trip now - only 39 days to go! I dropped in on my travel agent last week to check how she was going with my accommodation. I was little annoyed that she hadn't contacted me recently but it turns out that she has just changed travel agencies, which explains it! Unfortunately a lot of my accommodation is rather custom (read: from Lonely Planet) so she wasn't able to book it directly for me. Which means I have to book it myself. Not a huge problem, two of the places have great websites and one you book when you rock up. The other will be a little more tricky I think - you have to book on a Japanese web site. A little scary given my rather poor Japanese skills. Will have to try to con one of my friends into helping me book it.
So all in all, going well. So far it has cost me only $16 (airfares) but I have a horrible feeling that the accommodation is going to kill me. I did a rough total up and so far it seems that it'll come out at about $4,500. There are some 'nice' places in there though, and some ryokans, which tend to increase the price a fair bit.
Just the long countdown to the flight now I suppose, besides picking up the rest of the gear I'll need like clothes. Looking out for those on special and so on. I figure of the 39 days remaining, 8 are weekends and there is a public holiday in there and a day of leave somewhere, so only just under another 6 weeks at work!
Japanese People
Monday, 04 February 2007, 22:15 +0800 GMT
The guys at work have been being bastards recently, sending me lots of links about Japanese women and white guys scoring in Japan. Stupidly, I keep clicking them, thinking that they might actually have sent something cultured through, like a great place to visit. One of the ones I came across was a forum on whether Japanese chicks actually go for white guys. People have a lot of opinions, I have to say. I'm of the opinion that it's over-hyped, but I guess I'll notice pretty quick when I go. One thing that upset me a little bit though was a post by a seemingly Japanese girl saying that she was upset by the forum (which by the middle had just degenerated into sex stories and how people wanted to have sex with Japanese people). She said that she just wanted people to stop bothering her in the library, on the bus and at Starbucks. It's interesting. I mean, it's probably not a complaint limited to Japanese people, it applies to all hot girls. But it seems sometimes that white guys just have an insane urge to go for Japanese women. I don't really understand it. Sure, I find Japanese (and Asian girls in general) extremely attractive, but a) I don't just want to go around bonking them, b) I wouldn't talk about it in a forum and c) I don't limit myself to Asian people. The world is a bit of a strange place at times, and it sucks. I feel sorry for her and I feel like it's all confusing. Why can't people just get along.
Monday, 04 February 2007, 22:15 +0800 GMT
The guys at work have been being bastards recently, sending me lots of links about Japanese women and white guys scoring in Japan. Stupidly, I keep clicking them, thinking that they might actually have sent something cultured through, like a great place to visit. One of the ones I came across was a forum on whether Japanese chicks actually go for white guys. People have a lot of opinions, I have to say. I'm of the opinion that it's over-hyped, but I guess I'll notice pretty quick when I go. One thing that upset me a little bit though was a post by a seemingly Japanese girl saying that she was upset by the forum (which by the middle had just degenerated into sex stories and how people wanted to have sex with Japanese people). She said that she just wanted people to stop bothering her in the library, on the bus and at Starbucks. It's interesting. I mean, it's probably not a complaint limited to Japanese people, it applies to all hot girls. But it seems sometimes that white guys just have an insane urge to go for Japanese women. I don't really understand it. Sure, I find Japanese (and Asian girls in general) extremely attractive, but a) I don't just want to go around bonking them, b) I wouldn't talk about it in a forum and c) I don't limit myself to Asian people. The world is a bit of a strange place at times, and it sucks. I feel sorry for her and I feel like it's all confusing. Why can't people just get along.
I Get Japanese Spam
Wednesday, 30 January 2007, 18:23 +0800 GMT
That is all.
Wednesday, 30 January 2007, 18:23 +0800 GMT
That is all.
Feeling Lost
Monday, 28 January 2007, 23:22 +0800 GMT
I've pretty much realised that I have absolutely no chance with the girl I currently like :) Hehe...I can smile about it though, now at least. I've known her for ages and never really had the nerve to do anything about it. Typical me. We see each other sometimes, seeing as we work near each other. I chat to her every now and then, and surprisingly I don't find it that difficult, as I do with most girls I like. Guess that's something. I've been thinking a lot about who I am recently, and I've realised that the way I behave is not really that normal. I used to be proud of it, proud of being called random. I have some good qualities - I'm honourable, I try as hard as I can to keep promises and secrets, I obey the law, and I can be very random which can be quite funny. I also have bad and strange qualities. Like my absolute lack of confidence, my complete lack of trust in 99.99% of people, my mood swings and tendancy to become irritated easily. Everybody has their good and bad points, how a person comes across is the sum of these two. I feel my bad points come across stronger than my good points. I've written another entry on here about how I see now that I can come across as just plain weird to other people. Kind of a 'hang around without saying anything guy', which can come across as intense, off putting and negative, kinda associated with 'freaks'. And I don't like that image.
Anyway, the point is that if I come across like that, I'm never going to come across well to people, and let's face it I'm most concerned here with the ladies. Even making friends is hard the way I am. I tend to meet people through osmosis until they're no longer weirded out by me, and we sort of crack each other's shell and get to know each other properly. So for someone I don't see much it's unlikely I'll ever become friends with them, let alone more. Which leads me back to why I don't think I have a chance with this girl. This is my legacy - it's extremely unlikely that I have a chance with any girl I've ever met. Not that that is a bad thing and most guys would suggest that's the case anyway - once you hit the friend zone, or at least establish that you're in it. I can sense and feel the friend zone quite intensely with most of the girls I meet through osmosis. In the past I've mistaken it for being something else, something more, but now I realise what it is and that the actions of the girls are those of friends. Big leap for me, and I'm glad I've learnt that. I'm also glad I've realised how I come across and am taking steps to change that. I started trying to boost my confidence late last year and have begun to do so. I've noticed and in fact a few new people that I've met have told me that I come across pretty well, as a happy bubbly person. I can be that person at times, and I find people much more receptive. I struggle to maintain it though, as I run out of things to say and my confidence quickly falters. Still, I guess it's like building muscles really, you can't just go from zero to hero. That's another thing mind you - I've been going to the gym and I've noticed that my body has already begun to change. Getting slightly harder, bigger shoulders and arms. It's not much but when you go from 0 to 1 that's still an infinite increase and even 1 to 2 is 100%. It makes me feel good, and I feel more confident as a result. More like a man, at least, which judging from my previous extreme low confidence is something that I bloody well need to feel hehe.
Anyway, I'm off topic yet again. This girl I like is obsessed with someone else and I've recently found out can be quite immature and...hmmm...'loose'. Whether or not she actually is I don't know and don't intend to find out, but a few people I know have told me she literally drools at things like weekends away with groups of friends and random single guys. Not exactly what I'm after...I doubt she'd be loyal to someone like me who doesn't go for sex and has a more gentle (read: pansy) approach to...well, everything. I still feel a weird attraction to her though. Aside from physical attraction, that is. Physically she's perhaps one of the hottest girls I've ever seen and I think, as an aside, that has been clouding my judgement and I've fallen for her body more - possibly much more - than I have her mind. Regardless, this attraction is born from what I sense in her as a great sadness. I have been wrong about these things before. I once felt a similar unexplainable friendly attraction to a girl who I often saw walking alone at uni, and who didn't seem to have many friends. Only to discover she had the most friends out of anyone I had ever known at the time. Once I realised, and for other reasons, the friendship died.
I guess I'm attracted to people who I think need help, or who I sense sadness in. I've always been like that. In Year 6 I befriended a Year 7 who looked pretty down and out. He was quite new to school and didn't have many friends, and I felt drawn to him, drawn to help him. He later turned on me and I resented him for it, but I never stopped feeling a connection to him from that original friendship we shared until he became friends with the Year 7 dickheads. Off topic again, *sigh*. The point is, she has a very sad aura. She was forced to take annual leave because she accrued too much and never took holidays. She lives far from where she works and is essentially cut off from the city which is where most of us from work live. She once told me she doesn't have many friends, or at least, many friends who are similar to her - most are married and/or have kids. She also told me she spends her weekends just watching DVDs etc. (and probably romping no strings attached sex, but we'll ignore that for the moment). How can I not feel sorry for her? Thing is, I might be wrong. There may be another reason why I sense what I do in the way she looks at me. Maybe it's her 'I hate this guy' look? Who knows. I don't. So now I face a decision about whether to leave her totally alone or try to become her friend. I've already dismissed more as a possibility and try not to think about it. Of course it's going to hit me every time I see her for a while, but that's natural. Even becoming a friend is difficult though due to my weaknesses (confidence). Even if I know I'm not going to hit on her or ask her out, I still struggle with just doing anything other than forced meetings with her. I just worry she's going to think I'm hitting on her. Or I won't be able to make friends. I tried once to do so but I hit a barrier I hadn't encountered before with anyone, and didn't know how to get around it. I was more than a little surprised when I couldn't get her to tell me what was obviously causing her a lot of sadness at the time. It may be that I can't offer her what she needs in a friendship. If so, well, that's the end of it. Perhaps I should try something, at least. Take a chance. As long as I know I'm not in it to ask her out, and act accordingly (which shouldn't be too hard given the fact that I believe from past experience and people telling me that I always come across as gay or at least not 'after you' to girls). I should stop worrying so much about what others think and act how I think I should. It's the only way I will learn the accepted social behaviour in more complex relationships that I have so far missed out on. And hey, I might just gain another good friend and a chance to help another person out :)
Monday, 28 January 2007, 23:22 +0800 GMT
I've pretty much realised that I have absolutely no chance with the girl I currently like :) Hehe...I can smile about it though, now at least. I've known her for ages and never really had the nerve to do anything about it. Typical me. We see each other sometimes, seeing as we work near each other. I chat to her every now and then, and surprisingly I don't find it that difficult, as I do with most girls I like. Guess that's something. I've been thinking a lot about who I am recently, and I've realised that the way I behave is not really that normal. I used to be proud of it, proud of being called random. I have some good qualities - I'm honourable, I try as hard as I can to keep promises and secrets, I obey the law, and I can be very random which can be quite funny. I also have bad and strange qualities. Like my absolute lack of confidence, my complete lack of trust in 99.99% of people, my mood swings and tendancy to become irritated easily. Everybody has their good and bad points, how a person comes across is the sum of these two. I feel my bad points come across stronger than my good points. I've written another entry on here about how I see now that I can come across as just plain weird to other people. Kind of a 'hang around without saying anything guy', which can come across as intense, off putting and negative, kinda associated with 'freaks'. And I don't like that image.
Anyway, the point is that if I come across like that, I'm never going to come across well to people, and let's face it I'm most concerned here with the ladies. Even making friends is hard the way I am. I tend to meet people through osmosis until they're no longer weirded out by me, and we sort of crack each other's shell and get to know each other properly. So for someone I don't see much it's unlikely I'll ever become friends with them, let alone more. Which leads me back to why I don't think I have a chance with this girl. This is my legacy - it's extremely unlikely that I have a chance with any girl I've ever met. Not that that is a bad thing and most guys would suggest that's the case anyway - once you hit the friend zone, or at least establish that you're in it. I can sense and feel the friend zone quite intensely with most of the girls I meet through osmosis. In the past I've mistaken it for being something else, something more, but now I realise what it is and that the actions of the girls are those of friends. Big leap for me, and I'm glad I've learnt that. I'm also glad I've realised how I come across and am taking steps to change that. I started trying to boost my confidence late last year and have begun to do so. I've noticed and in fact a few new people that I've met have told me that I come across pretty well, as a happy bubbly person. I can be that person at times, and I find people much more receptive. I struggle to maintain it though, as I run out of things to say and my confidence quickly falters. Still, I guess it's like building muscles really, you can't just go from zero to hero. That's another thing mind you - I've been going to the gym and I've noticed that my body has already begun to change. Getting slightly harder, bigger shoulders and arms. It's not much but when you go from 0 to 1 that's still an infinite increase and even 1 to 2 is 100%. It makes me feel good, and I feel more confident as a result. More like a man, at least, which judging from my previous extreme low confidence is something that I bloody well need to feel hehe.
Anyway, I'm off topic yet again. This girl I like is obsessed with someone else and I've recently found out can be quite immature and...hmmm...'loose'. Whether or not she actually is I don't know and don't intend to find out, but a few people I know have told me she literally drools at things like weekends away with groups of friends and random single guys. Not exactly what I'm after...I doubt she'd be loyal to someone like me who doesn't go for sex and has a more gentle (read: pansy) approach to...well, everything. I still feel a weird attraction to her though. Aside from physical attraction, that is. Physically she's perhaps one of the hottest girls I've ever seen and I think, as an aside, that has been clouding my judgement and I've fallen for her body more - possibly much more - than I have her mind. Regardless, this attraction is born from what I sense in her as a great sadness. I have been wrong about these things before. I once felt a similar unexplainable friendly attraction to a girl who I often saw walking alone at uni, and who didn't seem to have many friends. Only to discover she had the most friends out of anyone I had ever known at the time. Once I realised, and for other reasons, the friendship died.
I guess I'm attracted to people who I think need help, or who I sense sadness in. I've always been like that. In Year 6 I befriended a Year 7 who looked pretty down and out. He was quite new to school and didn't have many friends, and I felt drawn to him, drawn to help him. He later turned on me and I resented him for it, but I never stopped feeling a connection to him from that original friendship we shared until he became friends with the Year 7 dickheads. Off topic again, *sigh*. The point is, she has a very sad aura. She was forced to take annual leave because she accrued too much and never took holidays. She lives far from where she works and is essentially cut off from the city which is where most of us from work live. She once told me she doesn't have many friends, or at least, many friends who are similar to her - most are married and/or have kids. She also told me she spends her weekends just watching DVDs etc. (and probably romping no strings attached sex, but we'll ignore that for the moment). How can I not feel sorry for her? Thing is, I might be wrong. There may be another reason why I sense what I do in the way she looks at me. Maybe it's her 'I hate this guy' look? Who knows. I don't. So now I face a decision about whether to leave her totally alone or try to become her friend. I've already dismissed more as a possibility and try not to think about it. Of course it's going to hit me every time I see her for a while, but that's natural. Even becoming a friend is difficult though due to my weaknesses (confidence). Even if I know I'm not going to hit on her or ask her out, I still struggle with just doing anything other than forced meetings with her. I just worry she's going to think I'm hitting on her. Or I won't be able to make friends. I tried once to do so but I hit a barrier I hadn't encountered before with anyone, and didn't know how to get around it. I was more than a little surprised when I couldn't get her to tell me what was obviously causing her a lot of sadness at the time. It may be that I can't offer her what she needs in a friendship. If so, well, that's the end of it. Perhaps I should try something, at least. Take a chance. As long as I know I'm not in it to ask her out, and act accordingly (which shouldn't be too hard given the fact that I believe from past experience and people telling me that I always come across as gay or at least not 'after you' to girls). I should stop worrying so much about what others think and act how I think I should. It's the only way I will learn the accepted social behaviour in more complex relationships that I have so far missed out on. And hey, I might just gain another good friend and a chance to help another person out :)
Australia Day Beach & Movies
Sunday, 27 January 2007, 15:23 +0800 GMT
Once again the great Australia Day dawned upon us. Australia Day for me is all about the beach and friends. Which is exactly what it was all about again this year. I organised with a big bunch of colleagues and uni friends to head about half an hour up north to a fantastic beach I used to go to as a kid. We got a bit of a later start than we had planned, and only got there about 11am. We spent quite a few hours in the water with plenty of sunscreen on. It was awesome. On the way to the beach, we drove past a group of extremely hot chicks posing for a photo right near the edge of the road. They caused a traffic jam on the nearby roundabout as a ute full of guys stopped on the roundabout to have a look, and my friend slowed right down and blew his horn hehe. They seemed to like it.
After the beach we headed back home then to my friend's place for dinner. I picked up about 6 pizzas on the way from a great pizza place quite near me. There turned out to be quite a big gang of us hanging out, which was great. We chatted, watched a few movies, then headed home. All in all, chalk up another fantastic Australia Day hehe. Makes you forget your boring average working life hehe.
Sunday, 27 January 2007, 15:23 +0800 GMT
Once again the great Australia Day dawned upon us. Australia Day for me is all about the beach and friends. Which is exactly what it was all about again this year. I organised with a big bunch of colleagues and uni friends to head about half an hour up north to a fantastic beach I used to go to as a kid. We got a bit of a later start than we had planned, and only got there about 11am. We spent quite a few hours in the water with plenty of sunscreen on. It was awesome. On the way to the beach, we drove past a group of extremely hot chicks posing for a photo right near the edge of the road. They caused a traffic jam on the nearby roundabout as a ute full of guys stopped on the roundabout to have a look, and my friend slowed right down and blew his horn hehe. They seemed to like it.
After the beach we headed back home then to my friend's place for dinner. I picked up about 6 pizzas on the way from a great pizza place quite near me. There turned out to be quite a big gang of us hanging out, which was great. We chatted, watched a few movies, then headed home. All in all, chalk up another fantastic Australia Day hehe. Makes you forget your boring average working life hehe.
Battlestar Galactica is Nearly Flawless
Wednesday, 23 January 2007, 19:47 +0800 GMT
Began watching the second season of Battlestar: Galactica again recently. I have to say it is honestly one of the most awesome series I have ever watched. The acting is great, the story is engaging and perfectly timed. The camera work is just mind blowing. Overall, I'd easily rate it as one of the best all round series I've ever watched - it's near flawless. The themes it works with and the human factor are played out so damn well.
I've been watching a few other series recently as well. Went out and bought MacGuyver seasons 2 and 3 and Six Feet Under season 1. Both great series as well. And I mentioned to my housemate about a series I used to watch, Earth 2, and we (well, he :D) found torrents for it and started downloading the first season. Very excited about that one. Bit B-grade, but still great to watch. I decided I like TV series a lot!!
Wednesday, 23 January 2007, 19:47 +0800 GMT
Began watching the second season of Battlestar: Galactica again recently. I have to say it is honestly one of the most awesome series I have ever watched. The acting is great, the story is engaging and perfectly timed. The camera work is just mind blowing. Overall, I'd easily rate it as one of the best all round series I've ever watched - it's near flawless. The themes it works with and the human factor are played out so damn well.
I've been watching a few other series recently as well. Went out and bought MacGuyver seasons 2 and 3 and Six Feet Under season 1. Both great series as well. And I mentioned to my housemate about a series I used to watch, Earth 2, and we (well, he :D) found torrents for it and started downloading the first season. Very excited about that one. Bit B-grade, but still great to watch. I decided I like TV series a lot!!
Random Attraction
Tuesday, 22 January 2007, 17:59 +0800 GMT
I recently found myself suddenly attracted to a friend of a relatively vague acquaintance. Hehe funny sentence hey. I see her every now and then, usually about once or twice a week. I'm really kinda worried about it. See, it's all starting the same way as a weird-not-but-sorta-starting-relationship I had with a friend of a friend a while ago. That one didn't work out too well. Initially I was quite attracted to her but then I wasn't. Then I was again, and sort of fudged my way into almost starting a relationship (as far as I can tell). Then I suddenly found I wasn't interested. So you can imagine how stressful that was, not knowing what the hell I wanted. I'm just lucky we never went anywhere, because I would have been in such a tough position with her if I had - suddenly changing my mind etc.
So, it seems to be happening again. Initially meeting her I didn't find her amazingly attractive - quite cute and interesting though. Plus I never really had a chance to speak to her. Then after a while I became more interested in her, hearing her talk and interact more, finding out things about her from her friend and so on. So now I'm in a tough spot. I think I've done a little groundwork towards starting something with her. I don't know how she feels but hopefully I'm on her radar. Unfortunately now it gets complicated. Besides my lack of mad (and man) skills in this area, I'm also kind of lost. The fear based on what happened previously isn't exactly easy to deal with. I couldn't deal with the same thing happening and because I base predictions on previous happenings I'm pretty worried as this has all started the same as the failed one before. Which doesn't bode well. Also, I will be out of the country for a month in about 7 weeks time, and there's a chance I'll be out of the country for a year 3 months after that. Which doesn't bode well for any kind of serious relationship. Even if I don't get the year out, I'll be pretty transitional, looking for a new job and maybe leaving this state or country anyway. So I'm kinda trapped.
And let's face it, these days I'm so tired I don't think I can deal with a girlfriend. I had the opportunity to go meet her tonight to chat some more but I was too tired and threw the chance away. What good am I if I can't even be motivated enough to chase opportunities, or for that matter, do anything?
*sigh* I'm not really down about it, I see the opportunities and I'm happy. I see how things can be and what I can do to get there. It's just hard to break the cycle of tiredness and general lack of motivation. On one hand I think I should just go for her, and take it as it goes, go for the experience. What do I have to lose? Nothing if she isn't interested - I gain a close friend in the best case. If I do end up with her, who knows. Maybe we'll survive past the year. Maybe we'll break it off and I'll lose my perfect woman. Hehe. Kind of a mystery, kind of enticing to find out. Naturally I gotta consider her feelings as well, so I'm not sure if it's responsible to go for her given the above. Hehehe just as I'm getting ready to try to be a better person and gain confidence, and feel that I'm ready or at least on the way to being ready to have a girlfriend, I reach this uncertainty. Fate is such, I suppose :)
Tuesday, 22 January 2007, 17:59 +0800 GMT
I recently found myself suddenly attracted to a friend of a relatively vague acquaintance. Hehe funny sentence hey. I see her every now and then, usually about once or twice a week. I'm really kinda worried about it. See, it's all starting the same way as a weird-not-but-sorta-starting-relationship I had with a friend of a friend a while ago. That one didn't work out too well. Initially I was quite attracted to her but then I wasn't. Then I was again, and sort of fudged my way into almost starting a relationship (as far as I can tell). Then I suddenly found I wasn't interested. So you can imagine how stressful that was, not knowing what the hell I wanted. I'm just lucky we never went anywhere, because I would have been in such a tough position with her if I had - suddenly changing my mind etc.
So, it seems to be happening again. Initially meeting her I didn't find her amazingly attractive - quite cute and interesting though. Plus I never really had a chance to speak to her. Then after a while I became more interested in her, hearing her talk and interact more, finding out things about her from her friend and so on. So now I'm in a tough spot. I think I've done a little groundwork towards starting something with her. I don't know how she feels but hopefully I'm on her radar. Unfortunately now it gets complicated. Besides my lack of mad (and man) skills in this area, I'm also kind of lost. The fear based on what happened previously isn't exactly easy to deal with. I couldn't deal with the same thing happening and because I base predictions on previous happenings I'm pretty worried as this has all started the same as the failed one before. Which doesn't bode well. Also, I will be out of the country for a month in about 7 weeks time, and there's a chance I'll be out of the country for a year 3 months after that. Which doesn't bode well for any kind of serious relationship. Even if I don't get the year out, I'll be pretty transitional, looking for a new job and maybe leaving this state or country anyway. So I'm kinda trapped.
And let's face it, these days I'm so tired I don't think I can deal with a girlfriend. I had the opportunity to go meet her tonight to chat some more but I was too tired and threw the chance away. What good am I if I can't even be motivated enough to chase opportunities, or for that matter, do anything?
*sigh* I'm not really down about it, I see the opportunities and I'm happy. I see how things can be and what I can do to get there. It's just hard to break the cycle of tiredness and general lack of motivation. On one hand I think I should just go for her, and take it as it goes, go for the experience. What do I have to lose? Nothing if she isn't interested - I gain a close friend in the best case. If I do end up with her, who knows. Maybe we'll survive past the year. Maybe we'll break it off and I'll lose my perfect woman. Hehe. Kind of a mystery, kind of enticing to find out. Naturally I gotta consider her feelings as well, so I'm not sure if it's responsible to go for her given the above. Hehehe just as I'm getting ready to try to be a better person and gain confidence, and feel that I'm ready or at least on the way to being ready to have a girlfriend, I reach this uncertainty. Fate is such, I suppose :)
Old Flame (?)
Monday, 21 January 2007, 23:14 +0800 GMT
I've been bumping into a girl I used to really like, quite a lot recently. It's kind of unsettling and at first I didn't really know how to deal with it. I think, believe it or not, that at the time we actually did have a thing going. I was too dumb to realise and the way I used to behave I'm surprised I got anyway, but it's possible I randomly appeared to her a way she really liked. Guess I'll never know but for the purpose of this entry I'll assume that she actually did like me, at least a little bit. I did too, to begin with, but then changed my mind later on. I can't remember why exactly, but the change was sharp and sudden and I suddenly didn't like her. I wasn't really sure what to do so I ended up avoiding her and she quickly slipped off my radar. Until recently. The first few times I met her recently I wasn't sure what to do again and was pretty short with her, just generally avoiding her. Don't know why. But I've warmed up to her again recently. Not in the same way as before but as a friend, for sure. I feel bad about the way I handled the situation before, but it's not exactly something I can talk to her about. 'Ahhh yeah, sorry about kinda not talking to you before when I think there was something brewing between us and then suddenly I didn't want it any more'. Don't think that'd go down too well. And it doesn't need to, anyway. I think things are going well the way they are now, just getting back into friendship and rejoining the life I used to have.
Monday, 21 January 2007, 23:14 +0800 GMT
I've been bumping into a girl I used to really like, quite a lot recently. It's kind of unsettling and at first I didn't really know how to deal with it. I think, believe it or not, that at the time we actually did have a thing going. I was too dumb to realise and the way I used to behave I'm surprised I got anyway, but it's possible I randomly appeared to her a way she really liked. Guess I'll never know but for the purpose of this entry I'll assume that she actually did like me, at least a little bit. I did too, to begin with, but then changed my mind later on. I can't remember why exactly, but the change was sharp and sudden and I suddenly didn't like her. I wasn't really sure what to do so I ended up avoiding her and she quickly slipped off my radar. Until recently. The first few times I met her recently I wasn't sure what to do again and was pretty short with her, just generally avoiding her. Don't know why. But I've warmed up to her again recently. Not in the same way as before but as a friend, for sure. I feel bad about the way I handled the situation before, but it's not exactly something I can talk to her about. 'Ahhh yeah, sorry about kinda not talking to you before when I think there was something brewing between us and then suddenly I didn't want it any more'. Don't think that'd go down too well. And it doesn't need to, anyway. I think things are going well the way they are now, just getting back into friendship and rejoining the life I used to have.
Curiosity
Sunday, 20 January 2007, 16:57 +0800 GMT
Suddenly struck me today how curious I am and how high my tolerance is for potential surprises. A guy at work forwarded me a link (gaijinsmash) as he knew I am going to Japan soon and thought it'd be funny. It's basically a page about gaijin in Japan picking up and taking photos of girls and whatever else they find interesting. Not really my kind of thing. But one word caught me eye - nanpa (or nampa, depending on what floats your ba0t). I'd heard this term before and got a brief understanding of it through having the misfortune to follow a link off that page to a 'Drunk Nanpa' website. Only touched the front page of that one. Wanting some further clarification I decided to Google it. Having searching I noticed a new bar on the Google search results with the various search types Google offers listed down it. One of them was Images. I grinned. I love that feeling of curiosity. Perhaps it's because there's potential 'naughtiness' behind it, but I often find I just love clicking things and finding out what's behind them. I am careful to an extent and naturally I do end up at some pretty bad pages now and again, but it's as simple as closing the browser window to get rid of them. And a little discomfort that is so instantly dismissed is worth the random shit I manage to find :) Life is good.
Sunday, 20 January 2007, 16:57 +0800 GMT
Suddenly struck me today how curious I am and how high my tolerance is for potential surprises. A guy at work forwarded me a link (gaijinsmash) as he knew I am going to Japan soon and thought it'd be funny. It's basically a page about gaijin in Japan picking up and taking photos of girls and whatever else they find interesting. Not really my kind of thing. But one word caught me eye - nanpa (or nampa, depending on what floats your ba0t). I'd heard this term before and got a brief understanding of it through having the misfortune to follow a link off that page to a 'Drunk Nanpa' website. Only touched the front page of that one. Wanting some further clarification I decided to Google it. Having searching I noticed a new bar on the Google search results with the various search types Google offers listed down it. One of them was Images. I grinned. I love that feeling of curiosity. Perhaps it's because there's potential 'naughtiness' behind it, but I often find I just love clicking things and finding out what's behind them. I am careful to an extent and naturally I do end up at some pretty bad pages now and again, but it's as simple as closing the browser window to get rid of them. And a little discomfort that is so instantly dismissed is worth the random shit I manage to find :) Life is good.
Christmas Period
Saturday, 12 January 2007, 22:21 +0800 GMT
The Christmas period was pretty crazy for me. Work had been frantic right up to the end and the 10 days of holidays to come stretched out like the road over the Nullabor. Long, straight and potentially boring. I had big, big plans - finishing off my website being the main one. The first day was spent recovering from the Christmas party where the alcohol caught me by surprise. After that it was pretty much non stop parties, family gatherings, more parties, shopping and more parties. At the end of the time I hadn't done a single bit of work on my website hehehe. All in all though, the experience was good. I relaxed for the first time in a long time, and rediscovered some of my life as a Human Being, that I lost at some point in 2006. I started going to the gym, started playing with my camera and Photoshop again, and a few other things. All in all I felt happy. It all ended far too quickly though, and back to work I went. I felt very negative and depressed for the first one and a half weeks. A clear sign that work is definitely not a positive thing in my mind. I'm back into the swing of it now though, which is both good and scary. Regardless, the break was a good one. I could have done with an extra week but that would have just been delaying the inevitable and I didn't have any spare leave anyway. So, the work goes on.
Saturday, 12 January 2007, 22:21 +0800 GMT
The Christmas period was pretty crazy for me. Work had been frantic right up to the end and the 10 days of holidays to come stretched out like the road over the Nullabor. Long, straight and potentially boring. I had big, big plans - finishing off my website being the main one. The first day was spent recovering from the Christmas party where the alcohol caught me by surprise. After that it was pretty much non stop parties, family gatherings, more parties, shopping and more parties. At the end of the time I hadn't done a single bit of work on my website hehehe. All in all though, the experience was good. I relaxed for the first time in a long time, and rediscovered some of my life as a Human Being, that I lost at some point in 2006. I started going to the gym, started playing with my camera and Photoshop again, and a few other things. All in all I felt happy. It all ended far too quickly though, and back to work I went. I felt very negative and depressed for the first one and a half weeks. A clear sign that work is definitely not a positive thing in my mind. I'm back into the swing of it now though, which is both good and scary. Regardless, the break was a good one. I could have done with an extra week but that would have just been delaying the inevitable and I didn't have any spare leave anyway. So, the work goes on.
Taking a Senior Role
Saturday, 12 January 2007, 19:43 +0800 GMT
I've recently been thrown a few senior roles at work when I shouldn't really be taking on those responsibilities. Basically because two members of the team have been seconded to a client, and obviously can't continue their scheduled work to do that. Unfortunately I've picked up most of their slack hehe - think a full A4 page as my to do list. With another manager on international secondment, I'm now basically running an entire service line for our practice. Which is quite fun but also very stressful. Regardless, it's quite interesting changing roles. I've always been very dedicated to my work and have great difficulty giving it up and letting others help. I should have trained some people to help me with my data analytics service line but I haven't, citing that it'll take too long to train them. Perhaps true, but it's also because I want to do the work myself. It's the only way I can be sure that it's been done properly, or to my satisfaction at least. Naturally the managers at work don't like this and are trying to get me out of the habit!
Recently I had great trouble with my workload and one of my managers suggested I just offload some of the 'follow up' work like emails and phone calls to some of the junior staff. I did, after some resistance, and I have to say it's bloody awesome! I gave one of my colleagues details of who to call, what to say and when to follow up, and he does it! He drops past my desk every few days to give me status updates, it's really cool. I guess the next stage is giving actual work to people. The best bit about this is that the 'grads' now have 1 year of experience so I'd expect them to be quite good at what they do, at least for run of the mill jobs. I was put on a job recently with a grad and was very happy at the way he was able to just go out and do the work himself. It was a funny job really, turned up way too fast and I was too busy to go do the work myself. The manager on the job wanted me to senior it and of course with my workload I was rather unhappy, given that I was expecting to do all the work myself. We approached it by preparing as usual, then I attended a few meetings and tackled the bits I was more aligned to (technical work). I sent him off by himself to cover the easier bits that he'd done on the audit before or that were run of the mill. Then he asked me a few questions and I helped him as best I could, then all was good. We're making quite good time on the engagement too, I'm pretty happy.
It's strange because I feel I'm not being a good senior. I don't know how to help my junior staff prepare or make sure they know what they're doing, so it's quite hard for me to deal with. I feel I didn't spend enough time with the grad or that he would feel I was ignoring him. Truth is I couldn't really spend any more time on it due to other work committments. Still, it's been a good experience and it's so much weight off me to just tell him what I want and send him out. Then I suppose the stress comes in when I review the work. It's good though - when I start reviewing I'll start realising what I need to look for when I'm still doing fieldwork for others. All in all a good experience :) With a theoretical promotion to Senior Level 2 on the way I think it's about time I started working on these skills!
Saturday, 12 January 2007, 19:43 +0800 GMT
I've recently been thrown a few senior roles at work when I shouldn't really be taking on those responsibilities. Basically because two members of the team have been seconded to a client, and obviously can't continue their scheduled work to do that. Unfortunately I've picked up most of their slack hehe - think a full A4 page as my to do list. With another manager on international secondment, I'm now basically running an entire service line for our practice. Which is quite fun but also very stressful. Regardless, it's quite interesting changing roles. I've always been very dedicated to my work and have great difficulty giving it up and letting others help. I should have trained some people to help me with my data analytics service line but I haven't, citing that it'll take too long to train them. Perhaps true, but it's also because I want to do the work myself. It's the only way I can be sure that it's been done properly, or to my satisfaction at least. Naturally the managers at work don't like this and are trying to get me out of the habit!
Recently I had great trouble with my workload and one of my managers suggested I just offload some of the 'follow up' work like emails and phone calls to some of the junior staff. I did, after some resistance, and I have to say it's bloody awesome! I gave one of my colleagues details of who to call, what to say and when to follow up, and he does it! He drops past my desk every few days to give me status updates, it's really cool. I guess the next stage is giving actual work to people. The best bit about this is that the 'grads' now have 1 year of experience so I'd expect them to be quite good at what they do, at least for run of the mill jobs. I was put on a job recently with a grad and was very happy at the way he was able to just go out and do the work himself. It was a funny job really, turned up way too fast and I was too busy to go do the work myself. The manager on the job wanted me to senior it and of course with my workload I was rather unhappy, given that I was expecting to do all the work myself. We approached it by preparing as usual, then I attended a few meetings and tackled the bits I was more aligned to (technical work). I sent him off by himself to cover the easier bits that he'd done on the audit before or that were run of the mill. Then he asked me a few questions and I helped him as best I could, then all was good. We're making quite good time on the engagement too, I'm pretty happy.
It's strange because I feel I'm not being a good senior. I don't know how to help my junior staff prepare or make sure they know what they're doing, so it's quite hard for me to deal with. I feel I didn't spend enough time with the grad or that he would feel I was ignoring him. Truth is I couldn't really spend any more time on it due to other work committments. Still, it's been a good experience and it's so much weight off me to just tell him what I want and send him out. Then I suppose the stress comes in when I review the work. It's good though - when I start reviewing I'll start realising what I need to look for when I'm still doing fieldwork for others. All in all a good experience :) With a theoretical promotion to Senior Level 2 on the way I think it's about time I started working on these skills!
2007
Tuesday, 01 January 2007, 23:18 +0800 GMT
I suppose there really isn't much special about new year, as such. The change from 31 December to 01 January is no different to the change between any other two consecutive days. But for some reason, especially this year, I do feel the change. Perhaps I've reached a low point in my life and am taking any excuse to try to start anew? Perhaps. I think it's more a reflection on the relatively big things that happened in 2006 and the big things that are happening and I hope to have happen in 2007.
2006 was overall a very interesting year for me. My feeling now is that it was a good year, but if you had asked me at various times during the year I would probably have claimed it was more like my worst year ever. It started off well, with a week of leave during which time I planned the parts I would buy for my new computer. I began buying the stuff during my leave and a few weeks later I had a new computer. Which was very, very cool at the time. Getting a bit slow now but still decent. Unfortunately my return to work was not as smooth. I had a very difficult client I've written about on here in previous entries that just sapped my motivation and at times my will to live. I left some work undone over the Christmas period and returning to work I had to jump straight into it. It got a bit nasty and in the end took me well into March. By which time I was ready to quit. I had a meeting with the partner who tried to help out by forcing me to leave work early and so on. That helped a bit and lasted from March until May/June time. Busy season was stressful, even more stressful than the 2005 busy season...ironically we had more people in '06 than in '05, yet it was still worse. Got through that though, thankfully. That ended in about September.
Other events in the mean time were pretty big. In about April I started to think about travelling to Japan for a holiday in 2007 and decided to make it a reality. Having not done a lot about it other than decide that I was going to go, I was lucky enough to win a door prize at the company ball - $1,800 worth of travel. That made Japan a reality, when I booked my flights a short while afterwards. That said, now in 2007 I still haven't organised accommodation - will have to do it soon.
Shortly after this I moved out of home, which was pretty massive. And something I don't regret at all, other than the fact it has made me more socially reclusive than ever before hehe. Moved in with two people I probably would never have really thought I'd end up living with prior to actually moving in. Just because I didn't really know them all that well. It's been great fun getting to know them over the past 6 months and I feel like there's a special bond there of some sort now. They are good people and it has been a good ride coming to understand them as well as new responsibilities and expenses. As a small tack on, I also bought my first car. Nothing special, a family deal on my mum's old Lancer. Serves me very well though and hardly cost anything at all :)
Not much else major happened in 2006, really. I worked away, I played lots of games, I started building a dynamic website which is still to be completed (hopefully prior to Japan!). I strayed away from some friends, strengthened my bond with 3 or 4, met some new and unlikely friends, reunited with several friends of old and realised that some people I called my friends weren't really at what I classify as the 'friendship' level. So some interesting movements around there. Have also witnessed a lot of changes in the relationships of the people around me. My grandfather has developed alzheimers and is now semi-vegetable really, which is obviously not particularly easy on anyone, especially my grandmother. But such is love. In sickness and in health, as the marriage vow goes.
So on to 2007. I have a good feeling about this year, bordering on very good. I don't know why. It is my year, apparently it is a Year of the Pig in the Chinese calendar. And I am a Pig *grins*. I suppose for starters, anyway, my trip to Japan will be happening this year in March and April. A month off, by myself, travelling around Japan with no company, no Japanese and no fears :) I absolutely can't wait. Still on Japan, I applied for the JET program in 2006, which involves teaching English in Japan for a year. I have to wait to see if I get an interview in Jan/Feb then it will be April before I find out. If I do get it, I'll head off for a year in August 2007, returning August 2008. I really, really want to go, and am hoping for the best.
I am also considering my current career. It is really not what I want, I think I've worked that much out. The problem now, of course, is what to do instead. I wouldn't mind doing some data analytics, more network security (identification and development of vulnerabilities instead of just reporting them) or even some software engineering or computer programming. Naturally, finding the right employer and right job is the hard part. I can't really do much at the moment until I find out what's happening with JET, but I am strongly considering just quitting my current work so that I leave for my holiday in Japan just as I depart work. Naturally I can't do that if I don't get JET because I can't come back and not have a job to go to - this holiday is going to drain my savings drastically. If I do get JET, that'd mean there would be just over 3 months of time between my return and when I leave for JET. Assuming I have sufficient savings to live that without working (at least $3k probably) or could get a job doing nightfill or something, that could work nicely. Doesn't look too good on the CV though, I suppose. People keep telling me it's important to make senior (2.5 years of experience) before considering heading off to find a new job. It would be nice, but it's 5 months that could potentially be hell. Will see what happens, anyway. Partner is currently indicating he's happy to let me do JET and take unpaid leave for a year then to return to the company when I get back. Not an overly complex situation, it just requires lots of careful thinking.
And finally, my new year resolutions. I'm not usually a big fan of these but as I mentioned this year is slightly different. So, my resolutions are to:
Tuesday, 01 January 2007, 23:18 +0800 GMT
I suppose there really isn't much special about new year, as such. The change from 31 December to 01 January is no different to the change between any other two consecutive days. But for some reason, especially this year, I do feel the change. Perhaps I've reached a low point in my life and am taking any excuse to try to start anew? Perhaps. I think it's more a reflection on the relatively big things that happened in 2006 and the big things that are happening and I hope to have happen in 2007.
2006 was overall a very interesting year for me. My feeling now is that it was a good year, but if you had asked me at various times during the year I would probably have claimed it was more like my worst year ever. It started off well, with a week of leave during which time I planned the parts I would buy for my new computer. I began buying the stuff during my leave and a few weeks later I had a new computer. Which was very, very cool at the time. Getting a bit slow now but still decent. Unfortunately my return to work was not as smooth. I had a very difficult client I've written about on here in previous entries that just sapped my motivation and at times my will to live. I left some work undone over the Christmas period and returning to work I had to jump straight into it. It got a bit nasty and in the end took me well into March. By which time I was ready to quit. I had a meeting with the partner who tried to help out by forcing me to leave work early and so on. That helped a bit and lasted from March until May/June time. Busy season was stressful, even more stressful than the 2005 busy season...ironically we had more people in '06 than in '05, yet it was still worse. Got through that though, thankfully. That ended in about September.
Other events in the mean time were pretty big. In about April I started to think about travelling to Japan for a holiday in 2007 and decided to make it a reality. Having not done a lot about it other than decide that I was going to go, I was lucky enough to win a door prize at the company ball - $1,800 worth of travel. That made Japan a reality, when I booked my flights a short while afterwards. That said, now in 2007 I still haven't organised accommodation - will have to do it soon.
Shortly after this I moved out of home, which was pretty massive. And something I don't regret at all, other than the fact it has made me more socially reclusive than ever before hehe. Moved in with two people I probably would never have really thought I'd end up living with prior to actually moving in. Just because I didn't really know them all that well. It's been great fun getting to know them over the past 6 months and I feel like there's a special bond there of some sort now. They are good people and it has been a good ride coming to understand them as well as new responsibilities and expenses. As a small tack on, I also bought my first car. Nothing special, a family deal on my mum's old Lancer. Serves me very well though and hardly cost anything at all :)
Not much else major happened in 2006, really. I worked away, I played lots of games, I started building a dynamic website which is still to be completed (hopefully prior to Japan!). I strayed away from some friends, strengthened my bond with 3 or 4, met some new and unlikely friends, reunited with several friends of old and realised that some people I called my friends weren't really at what I classify as the 'friendship' level. So some interesting movements around there. Have also witnessed a lot of changes in the relationships of the people around me. My grandfather has developed alzheimers and is now semi-vegetable really, which is obviously not particularly easy on anyone, especially my grandmother. But such is love. In sickness and in health, as the marriage vow goes.
So on to 2007. I have a good feeling about this year, bordering on very good. I don't know why. It is my year, apparently it is a Year of the Pig in the Chinese calendar. And I am a Pig *grins*. I suppose for starters, anyway, my trip to Japan will be happening this year in March and April. A month off, by myself, travelling around Japan with no company, no Japanese and no fears :) I absolutely can't wait. Still on Japan, I applied for the JET program in 2006, which involves teaching English in Japan for a year. I have to wait to see if I get an interview in Jan/Feb then it will be April before I find out. If I do get it, I'll head off for a year in August 2007, returning August 2008. I really, really want to go, and am hoping for the best.
I am also considering my current career. It is really not what I want, I think I've worked that much out. The problem now, of course, is what to do instead. I wouldn't mind doing some data analytics, more network security (identification and development of vulnerabilities instead of just reporting them) or even some software engineering or computer programming. Naturally, finding the right employer and right job is the hard part. I can't really do much at the moment until I find out what's happening with JET, but I am strongly considering just quitting my current work so that I leave for my holiday in Japan just as I depart work. Naturally I can't do that if I don't get JET because I can't come back and not have a job to go to - this holiday is going to drain my savings drastically. If I do get JET, that'd mean there would be just over 3 months of time between my return and when I leave for JET. Assuming I have sufficient savings to live that without working (at least $3k probably) or could get a job doing nightfill or something, that could work nicely. Doesn't look too good on the CV though, I suppose. People keep telling me it's important to make senior (2.5 years of experience) before considering heading off to find a new job. It would be nice, but it's 5 months that could potentially be hell. Will see what happens, anyway. Partner is currently indicating he's happy to let me do JET and take unpaid leave for a year then to return to the company when I get back. Not an overly complex situation, it just requires lots of careful thinking.
And finally, my new year resolutions. I'm not usually a big fan of these but as I mentioned this year is slightly different. So, my resolutions are to:
- Go to the gym at least 3 times a week, partially to get fit and partially to make sure I'm fit enough for my trip to Japan (oh, and to help out with the attracting of the ladies, of course hehe :D).
- To return to Wing Chun and if possible, archery.
- To be more sociable and be a better friend to certain people than I have been in the past.
- To become more confident, even if it is only in my actions and not (at first) in my mind as a guiding principle.
- This one I'm hesitant about because I don't want to give the impression I'm actively searching, but I'd really really like to get a girlfriend hehehe. Sounds so strange but it's true, see previous posts.
- To drink less.
- To find a new job!
Daylight Savings Time
Tuesday, 15 January 2007, 20:59 +0800 GMT
Daylight savings time is really annoying, and really great. Not necessarily in that order. It's great because you can stay out till 8:30pm before it gets dark. But that means you don't get dinner until 9pm, and then sleeping at 11pm is difficult. Which means you sleep at 12am, and only get 7 hours sleep. Which means you're tired the next day. Whack a bit of heat and stress in there and you end up sleeping at 2am, getting 5 hours sleep. By the end of the week you're a walking wreck yet again. *sigh* not sure it's really all worth it, mind you I'm a walking wreck by the end of most weeks even without DST :)
Tuesday, 15 January 2007, 20:59 +0800 GMT
Daylight savings time is really annoying, and really great. Not necessarily in that order. It's great because you can stay out till 8:30pm before it gets dark. But that means you don't get dinner until 9pm, and then sleeping at 11pm is difficult. Which means you sleep at 12am, and only get 7 hours sleep. Which means you're tired the next day. Whack a bit of heat and stress in there and you end up sleeping at 2am, getting 5 hours sleep. By the end of the week you're a walking wreck yet again. *sigh* not sure it's really all worth it, mind you I'm a walking wreck by the end of most weeks even without DST :)
JET
Saturday, 23 December 2006, 22:41 +0800 GMT
I got offered an interview for JET, woohoo! A letter came for me a week or two ago, I originally thought it was a failure letter. But turns out it wasn't, yay! I would have been really unhappy if I didn't at least get an interview. And as my friend said, one of the Computer Science guys at uni (who I always thought was pretty weird) got into JET on his second go, so with any luck they should let me in even with my relatively low confidence. So I'm off to the interview in mid to late February. The interview is the second (and final) stage - should be good!
Saturday, 23 December 2006, 22:41 +0800 GMT
I got offered an interview for JET, woohoo! A letter came for me a week or two ago, I originally thought it was a failure letter. But turns out it wasn't, yay! I would have been really unhappy if I didn't at least get an interview. And as my friend said, one of the Computer Science guys at uni (who I always thought was pretty weird) got into JET on his second go, so with any luck they should let me in even with my relatively low confidence. So I'm off to the interview in mid to late February. The interview is the second (and final) stage - should be good!
NWN2
Saturday, 23 December 2006, 19:15 +0800 GMT
So I finally finished NWN2! Have to say it's a pretty good game. Initially I didn't like it as much as NWN because the introduction seemed so disjoint. It was hard to know what was going on and I didn't like the town or situation I was in. It didn't seem epic enough, unlike NWN where you are training at the NWN academy to fight for justice. But it grew on me as I was able to travel to the city itself and meet characters of old. And the further the game went on the better it became - it has a lot of things in it that are vast improvements on NWN original.
The game is so long I can't actually remember the first parts of the story but it's quite simple, really. Character's town is attacked, character finds it was because of a sword shard, travels to big city to learn about shard. Has to do various side quests before getting to find out what the shard is, travels around a bit, collects party members. Gets attacked by more people after the shard, kills them, gets more shards. Gets accused of killing a town by Luskan, learns of enemy and their intentions and their link to shards as well. Identifies ultimate enemy King of Shadows, goes to trial for killing town, wins because innocent. Travels to enemy seeking shards, kills them, takes over land. Builds up land while searching for more information about shards. Undergoes Ritual of Purification to become powerful enough to kill KoS. Learns to reforge all sword shards into a sword. KoS army attacks world, defence at land successful. Teleport into KoS's lair, attack him and kill him.
The best features over the original were the implementation of your own land and keep, better item usage, much larger party, more special feats and better character involvement. You get that sense of epic that you did in NWN original from this game as well. In terms of what is worse, well, the graphic performance is shocking. They've released two code optimisations to fix that now somewhat though, thankfully. Additionally, I *hate* money caps on items, they're not fair. There isn't enough gold in the game, really. Especially since you're meant to be equipping 8 or 9 party members in addition to yourself. I solved that by only using 5 members, the rest I left to rot. They were shit anyway hehe.
That's about it really. The final battle was *very* hard. In fact, there are three final battles that are really hard. The first is against shadow reavers that are invulnerable unless you read their True Names from a scroll. That takes about 15 seconds so the people doing the reading need protection while doing it. Which is hard when a freaking invulnerable bastard is wailing on the rest of your characters. Took me a while to get through that one. The next fight is ridiculous - the most powerful shadow reaver with two shadow golums wouldn't be too bad to kill except for the fact he erects energy barriers around your group, summons a Balor next to you and converts some of your party to his side. I lost two people from my party - a rogue (shit character, never built her up) and my sorceress, probably the most powerful of my party. Thankfully she didn't manage to do much useful, and I survived long enough until all the enemies ran out of magic. Then I simply mass resurrected all my dead party members, did mass heal and smashed the barrier, owning the bastards behind it.
The final battle was the KoS himself, and was fucking hard. The first time I fought him I won easily, but I don't know what or how I did it. When I tried again (I died later on) it was so much harder. The Ritual of Purification is supposed to provide you with several things to help you, but they don't seem to do much for some reason. The only real way to go about it is to use Isaac's Greater Missile Storm and Blade Storm from the githyanki blade. Nobody/nothing else seems to be able to hurt him. When you defeat him for the first time he splits himself up into little bits which you then have to attack - quite a hard battle but so long as you concentrate fire so to speak, it's quite easy. Once done there, he comes back really really big. The trick is to then smash the statues. I sent my shit characters in to fight the KoS while all the tanky hitters ran around and smashed the statues. After that I destroyed his portal from the Shadow Plane or wherever he came from, and from there he was extremely easy to defeat. So much for invulnerable hahaha.
Anyway, so that's my story. My character is pretty strong - Rogue (5), Fighter (6), Weapon Master (7). She does over 100 damage with a critical hit and has 17-20 chance of doing that. Unfortunately they changed the feats so that Keen blades don't stack with Improved Critical - very upset, otherwise I'd be 16-20. Still, 1 in 5 isn't that much worse than 1 in 4.
The only thing I didn't like was just how difficult the last few battles were. They were winnable as I proved but there was just so much negative about them. You have your entire party there, so you should be much more powerful than with your normal 5 member party...but it doesn't work out that way. Some battles I recall in NWN I won so convincingly it was just awesome. A sorcerer would be attacking me then I'd get my Wizard to dispell his protections, then wail on his ass with physical attacks. Or use counterspelling and win that way. These final battles had no finesse. The invulnerable reavers were just annoying. The energy barriers and loss of the sorceress in the second battle made things very hard. With the sorceress on my side still I could have easily killed all my enemies from behind the barrier. Without her I had a much much harder time, even with all my characters there. Not to mention the fact that I didn't give the characters I didn't use often any items. Why should I? I decided to focus on a few characters because I liked them and they were most useful to me, and I was punished for that. It didn't impress me much. Plus, the combat system is just retarded. My characters would often just stand there in battle and do nothing. Most of them, in fact, did that. Extremely annoying. I kept having to issue the Attack Nearest command before they would do anything, and half the time they would just stop.
I suppose on the other hand the enemy had things down really well. The energy barrier in the second battle was a neat trick. As was the summoning of a very powerful Balor to keep me busy. They had everything working for them - two very powerful magic users and a ranger, plus two blade golums, behind the energy barrier. I had two powerful close physical hitters and one useless one (Paladin with no equipment because I didn't like or use him) - all useless until the barriers are down, one pretty weak wizard with hardly any useful spells, a cleric who seemed to do fuck all, a bard who literally just stood there doing nothing, a druid who hardly did anything except shape change and run around and a warlock who was weak both magically and physically. Not a particularly impressive party, and I had nothing to really gel my attacks together. The enemy was using incendary cloud, Bigby's Crushing Hand and so on - their attacks gelled really nicely. If they had used everything to their full advantage, the ranger would had been using ranged attacks (I have no idea why he wasn't) and the sorceress would have been using Isaac's Greater Missile Storm. If they had done those things, I don't think I could have won.
Anyway, I did win, although as I mentioned I was a little disappointed by my inability to gel my attacks. The extra party members were useless and took up too much time managing them over my standard 5 person party. Still, overall I'm quite happy - waiting for the Epic expansions now hehe.
Saturday, 23 December 2006, 19:15 +0800 GMT
So I finally finished NWN2! Have to say it's a pretty good game. Initially I didn't like it as much as NWN because the introduction seemed so disjoint. It was hard to know what was going on and I didn't like the town or situation I was in. It didn't seem epic enough, unlike NWN where you are training at the NWN academy to fight for justice. But it grew on me as I was able to travel to the city itself and meet characters of old. And the further the game went on the better it became - it has a lot of things in it that are vast improvements on NWN original.
The game is so long I can't actually remember the first parts of the story but it's quite simple, really. Character's town is attacked, character finds it was because of a sword shard, travels to big city to learn about shard. Has to do various side quests before getting to find out what the shard is, travels around a bit, collects party members. Gets attacked by more people after the shard, kills them, gets more shards. Gets accused of killing a town by Luskan, learns of enemy and their intentions and their link to shards as well. Identifies ultimate enemy King of Shadows, goes to trial for killing town, wins because innocent. Travels to enemy seeking shards, kills them, takes over land. Builds up land while searching for more information about shards. Undergoes Ritual of Purification to become powerful enough to kill KoS. Learns to reforge all sword shards into a sword. KoS army attacks world, defence at land successful. Teleport into KoS's lair, attack him and kill him.
The best features over the original were the implementation of your own land and keep, better item usage, much larger party, more special feats and better character involvement. You get that sense of epic that you did in NWN original from this game as well. In terms of what is worse, well, the graphic performance is shocking. They've released two code optimisations to fix that now somewhat though, thankfully. Additionally, I *hate* money caps on items, they're not fair. There isn't enough gold in the game, really. Especially since you're meant to be equipping 8 or 9 party members in addition to yourself. I solved that by only using 5 members, the rest I left to rot. They were shit anyway hehe.
That's about it really. The final battle was *very* hard. In fact, there are three final battles that are really hard. The first is against shadow reavers that are invulnerable unless you read their True Names from a scroll. That takes about 15 seconds so the people doing the reading need protection while doing it. Which is hard when a freaking invulnerable bastard is wailing on the rest of your characters. Took me a while to get through that one. The next fight is ridiculous - the most powerful shadow reaver with two shadow golums wouldn't be too bad to kill except for the fact he erects energy barriers around your group, summons a Balor next to you and converts some of your party to his side. I lost two people from my party - a rogue (shit character, never built her up) and my sorceress, probably the most powerful of my party. Thankfully she didn't manage to do much useful, and I survived long enough until all the enemies ran out of magic. Then I simply mass resurrected all my dead party members, did mass heal and smashed the barrier, owning the bastards behind it.
The final battle was the KoS himself, and was fucking hard. The first time I fought him I won easily, but I don't know what or how I did it. When I tried again (I died later on) it was so much harder. The Ritual of Purification is supposed to provide you with several things to help you, but they don't seem to do much for some reason. The only real way to go about it is to use Isaac's Greater Missile Storm and Blade Storm from the githyanki blade. Nobody/nothing else seems to be able to hurt him. When you defeat him for the first time he splits himself up into little bits which you then have to attack - quite a hard battle but so long as you concentrate fire so to speak, it's quite easy. Once done there, he comes back really really big. The trick is to then smash the statues. I sent my shit characters in to fight the KoS while all the tanky hitters ran around and smashed the statues. After that I destroyed his portal from the Shadow Plane or wherever he came from, and from there he was extremely easy to defeat. So much for invulnerable hahaha.
Anyway, so that's my story. My character is pretty strong - Rogue (5), Fighter (6), Weapon Master (7). She does over 100 damage with a critical hit and has 17-20 chance of doing that. Unfortunately they changed the feats so that Keen blades don't stack with Improved Critical - very upset, otherwise I'd be 16-20. Still, 1 in 5 isn't that much worse than 1 in 4.
The only thing I didn't like was just how difficult the last few battles were. They were winnable as I proved but there was just so much negative about them. You have your entire party there, so you should be much more powerful than with your normal 5 member party...but it doesn't work out that way. Some battles I recall in NWN I won so convincingly it was just awesome. A sorcerer would be attacking me then I'd get my Wizard to dispell his protections, then wail on his ass with physical attacks. Or use counterspelling and win that way. These final battles had no finesse. The invulnerable reavers were just annoying. The energy barriers and loss of the sorceress in the second battle made things very hard. With the sorceress on my side still I could have easily killed all my enemies from behind the barrier. Without her I had a much much harder time, even with all my characters there. Not to mention the fact that I didn't give the characters I didn't use often any items. Why should I? I decided to focus on a few characters because I liked them and they were most useful to me, and I was punished for that. It didn't impress me much. Plus, the combat system is just retarded. My characters would often just stand there in battle and do nothing. Most of them, in fact, did that. Extremely annoying. I kept having to issue the Attack Nearest command before they would do anything, and half the time they would just stop.
I suppose on the other hand the enemy had things down really well. The energy barrier in the second battle was a neat trick. As was the summoning of a very powerful Balor to keep me busy. They had everything working for them - two very powerful magic users and a ranger, plus two blade golums, behind the energy barrier. I had two powerful close physical hitters and one useless one (Paladin with no equipment because I didn't like or use him) - all useless until the barriers are down, one pretty weak wizard with hardly any useful spells, a cleric who seemed to do fuck all, a bard who literally just stood there doing nothing, a druid who hardly did anything except shape change and run around and a warlock who was weak both magically and physically. Not a particularly impressive party, and I had nothing to really gel my attacks together. The enemy was using incendary cloud, Bigby's Crushing Hand and so on - their attacks gelled really nicely. If they had used everything to their full advantage, the ranger would had been using ranged attacks (I have no idea why he wasn't) and the sorceress would have been using Isaac's Greater Missile Storm. If they had done those things, I don't think I could have won.
Anyway, I did win, although as I mentioned I was a little disappointed by my inability to gel my attacks. The extra party members were useless and took up too much time managing them over my standard 5 person party. Still, overall I'm quite happy - waiting for the Epic expansions now hehe.
False Assumptions
Friday, 22 December 2006, 22:29 +0800 GMT
Had a rather negative experience in the city a few Fridays ago. Was out with some friends and was saying goodbye to them after going to dinner. I'd been watching a lot of Chopper on Ronnie Johns half hour (comedy series). He has a very comical way of waving, which I took a liking to, and tended to do a lot. Unfortunately I'm not as fat or big as the guy who plays Chopper so my wave isn't as masculine. Unfortunately I did the wave goodbye to them right in front of a pack of well built alpha males. Who instantly started laughing and calling me gay, commenting how gay the wave was and asking me what was in my 'man bag'. Which was a backpack. That kind of stupidity and raw ignorance and lack of tact for differing sexualities makes me feel sick and seethingly angry. I'm not gay and I don't particularly enjoy being called gay - because I'm not. But my main anger was that they were just so distastefully ignorant and inconsiderate - if I was gay, I would feel so upset because it was such an unjustified attack. People like that don't deserve to have a happy life, I don't think. They waste them.
Friday, 22 December 2006, 22:29 +0800 GMT
Had a rather negative experience in the city a few Fridays ago. Was out with some friends and was saying goodbye to them after going to dinner. I'd been watching a lot of Chopper on Ronnie Johns half hour (comedy series). He has a very comical way of waving, which I took a liking to, and tended to do a lot. Unfortunately I'm not as fat or big as the guy who plays Chopper so my wave isn't as masculine. Unfortunately I did the wave goodbye to them right in front of a pack of well built alpha males. Who instantly started laughing and calling me gay, commenting how gay the wave was and asking me what was in my 'man bag'. Which was a backpack. That kind of stupidity and raw ignorance and lack of tact for differing sexualities makes me feel sick and seethingly angry. I'm not gay and I don't particularly enjoy being called gay - because I'm not. But my main anger was that they were just so distastefully ignorant and inconsiderate - if I was gay, I would feel so upset because it was such an unjustified attack. People like that don't deserve to have a happy life, I don't think. They waste them.
Christmas Party
Saturday, 23 December 2006, 15:23 +0800 GMT
The 2006 firm Christmas party will long stay in my memory, it was a truly massive day. I had been really looking forward to it in my final week of work, as it signalled the coming of 10 days off work. Which I really needed, having been working myself sick over the past 6 months with June and December year end data analyses sandwiching a large internal audit data analysis job for one of my favourite clients. The day kicked off early, with a bunch of us heading down to a bar in the city for a cheeky 11am beer. After that, we wandered back into the office and prepared to head out to the firm party. This was held at a spacious, 'Australian beach' style bar down by the ocean, and was a fantastic location. There were a lot of people there and we jumped straight into the food and drinks, chatting away. Gradually, a group of us from my division started to get quite drunk and the sun began to take its toll on us as it rolled on towards 3pm. I had the great idea of going out to the beach and playing cricket with people already out there, and I should have known at the time that my inability to catch even sitting duck catches was a sign I should stop drinking. Unfortunately, I just found it funny hehe. The sun really took its toll and having not drunken much water, I basically lost it as soon as I wandered back into the bar. I don't have much memory of what happened from there on, my colleagues basically got me to keep drinking until I think I had a total of 16 or so beers. Eventually it was time to leave and my memory completely fails me from there onwards. My trusted 'Uncle' (manager who I have a strong friendship with) took me to get dinner, but it was already all too late. Sitting in a rather dodgy casual Japanese restaurant I suddenly felt a weird feeling and realised I was going to throw up. I tried to get out of the restaurant and covered my mouth with my hand, but the force was too strong and some came out on the floor of the exit to the back alley outside. I was mortified, and threw up mightily into a convenient little bathroom out the back. I then sat on some stairs for a long time while Uncle got me water and so on.
To say I was disgusted with myself is an understatement. I felt completely dishonoured and like I had failed everyone around me, and myself. My Uncle took me home and I put all my clothes in the wash straight away, and tried to go to sleep after drinking a lot of water. I woke up several times and threw up again, mainly just the water this time, not sitting well with my very unhappy stomach. I woke up the next day feeling really crappy, including a pretty bad headache, and felt that at least I was being punished for my stupidity. It took me 23.25 years to learn my lesson with alcohol, and it was one I have definitely not forgotten. I hope never to be in that situation ever again!
Saturday, 23 December 2006, 15:23 +0800 GMT
The 2006 firm Christmas party will long stay in my memory, it was a truly massive day. I had been really looking forward to it in my final week of work, as it signalled the coming of 10 days off work. Which I really needed, having been working myself sick over the past 6 months with June and December year end data analyses sandwiching a large internal audit data analysis job for one of my favourite clients. The day kicked off early, with a bunch of us heading down to a bar in the city for a cheeky 11am beer. After that, we wandered back into the office and prepared to head out to the firm party. This was held at a spacious, 'Australian beach' style bar down by the ocean, and was a fantastic location. There were a lot of people there and we jumped straight into the food and drinks, chatting away. Gradually, a group of us from my division started to get quite drunk and the sun began to take its toll on us as it rolled on towards 3pm. I had the great idea of going out to the beach and playing cricket with people already out there, and I should have known at the time that my inability to catch even sitting duck catches was a sign I should stop drinking. Unfortunately, I just found it funny hehe. The sun really took its toll and having not drunken much water, I basically lost it as soon as I wandered back into the bar. I don't have much memory of what happened from there on, my colleagues basically got me to keep drinking until I think I had a total of 16 or so beers. Eventually it was time to leave and my memory completely fails me from there onwards. My trusted 'Uncle' (manager who I have a strong friendship with) took me to get dinner, but it was already all too late. Sitting in a rather dodgy casual Japanese restaurant I suddenly felt a weird feeling and realised I was going to throw up. I tried to get out of the restaurant and covered my mouth with my hand, but the force was too strong and some came out on the floor of the exit to the back alley outside. I was mortified, and threw up mightily into a convenient little bathroom out the back. I then sat on some stairs for a long time while Uncle got me water and so on.
To say I was disgusted with myself is an understatement. I felt completely dishonoured and like I had failed everyone around me, and myself. My Uncle took me home and I put all my clothes in the wash straight away, and tried to go to sleep after drinking a lot of water. I woke up several times and threw up again, mainly just the water this time, not sitting well with my very unhappy stomach. I woke up the next day feeling really crappy, including a pretty bad headache, and felt that at least I was being punished for my stupidity. It took me 23.25 years to learn my lesson with alcohol, and it was one I have definitely not forgotten. I hope never to be in that situation ever again!
Mass Exodus?
Friday, 22 December 2006, 22:15 +0800 GMT
One of my good friends and colleagues quit his job today. Taking the division to almost 60% turnover in the past 12 months. Not exactly a record to be proud of. I wasn't surprised by his move. In fact, a lot of us have been feeling this way inclined recently. More so now, given his resignation. We went out to dinner last night to discuss and had an extremely long conversation about what is wrong with the place we work in. Here's a summary of what we found - seriously, don't read this if you're not interested in a huge whine about how shit my job is hehe:
Friday, 22 December 2006, 22:15 +0800 GMT
One of my good friends and colleagues quit his job today. Taking the division to almost 60% turnover in the past 12 months. Not exactly a record to be proud of. I wasn't surprised by his move. In fact, a lot of us have been feeling this way inclined recently. More so now, given his resignation. We went out to dinner last night to discuss and had an extremely long conversation about what is wrong with the place we work in. Here's a summary of what we found - seriously, don't read this if you're not interested in a huge whine about how shit my job is hehe:
- Low pay - not necessarily the most important factor, but it's a big one. And we are honestly paid shit. Amongst similar sized firms, I believe we are paid the lowest. This especially grates on me because the division I work for is special, yet is lumped in with the 'financial audit' division. We are quite a bit more technically specialised in our work, while also having to deal with great diversity in this specialised area. We're technical auditors and we cover general IT controls, business continuity and disaster recovery, data analysis, network security, project assurance and all manner of technical internal audits - you name it, if it's technical we can probably audit it. Yet we're paid the same as the financial auditors who do pretty much the same thing regardless of the company. It is seriously unjust. Interestingly, my colleague asked for more pay recently and was told he was short sighted, because even if he could get more in a similar company he'd be earning double and be promoted a lot in 10 years time in his current company, anyway. When he mentioned that he could earn more *now* at the other company AND get double THAT and the same level of promotions in 10 years time at the other organisation, the other person just shut up. I felt savage glee at that story.
- Lack of training - we don't get specific internal audit or technical training. I think this is pure madness, especially technically. I rely on skills I learnt at uni, or 'on the job'. Which is pathetic. I have a strong desire to learn but I just cannot learn while on the job. What shits me most is that we are auditors and as such our work has to be accurate and high quality. How the FUCK are we supposed to do that when we don't necessarily know what we're doing?! I do PIX firewall examinations but I know nothing about PIX other than that it is a firewall, and that I know how generic firewalls work. It's just ridiculous. Additionally, one reason often quoted for why pay is 'low' is because a CA qualification is included in your benefits. Well that's fucking great, but I'm not an ACCOUNTANT. It costs $5,000 odd to do a CA. I sure as hell don't get $5,000 worth of training in my technical specialties. I want it in cash, now, or I want $5,000 of training guaranteed.
- Poor budget approach - as a large auditing firm, we are EXPENSIVE. My cost per hour is just ridiculous. Now naturally, a big focus of the business is making money. So there is a big incentive to try to get as much of this rate back from the client is possible - the % we get back is known as realisation. Most jobs aim for 60% realisation. We complete timesheets to cost our time to clients, which obviously directly affects the realisation as we have a budget for the job. Unfortunately, a negative catch 22 started a long time ago. People complained we were too expensive so people started lowering budgets. Which meant people started blowing them. Which meant they stopped charging their time. The big push now by the office is to charge all our time. The idea being to get a proper idea of how much our jobs cost and to therefore budget appropriately. Which is inherently impossible, really. Think about it. I charge all my time, I blow the budget. I get in trouble and we look bad as a division. The budget doesn't get increased and I just get busted for taking too long to do the job. So I can't win. And, as chargeability is a key metric (see next item), although we get thumbs up for hitting it, the realisation is directly inverse unless we can charge the clients more. The clients are already paying stupid amounts of money for our services, so I really really think we're doomed to fail forever in trying to achieve budget.
- Chargeability focus - having to be highly chargeable reduces the amount of admin time we're allowed. Now obviously I don't expect to be able to do nothing all day, but I do expect some admin time. I need to read emails, browse security web sites to keep my knowledge and skills up to date, and maintain the lab in which I do my work. This has all stopped recently, purely because of the focus on chargeability. It's fucking bullshit. Our lab is going to go to shit because nobody is allowed to charge time to administer it. We can't do anything to stay up to date with trends and market knowledge because we're too busy being chargeable. As a result, I don't learn anything much new. It's fucking annoying.
- Odd division out - as mentioned before we are grouped under the 'audit' division despite the fact we are the most specialised division in the firm. Almost everything about the grouping is retarded, and we suffer endlessly because of it. Outcast from the division in terms of relationships and even sometimes in terms of following proper work procedures, unjustifiably low pay for our skills, lack of appropriate training and so on. It just grates on you until you're ready to give up. We should be our OWN division, with our OWN metrics. Speaking of metrics, the charge out rates audit charges at are not relevant to our division because we do a lot of very small jobs. When you have minimum partner and manager times necessary to review and plan for even the smallest job, you can often blow the budget for the job just with that time before us gimps down the bottom have even started the job. It's just stupid.
- Loss of partner focus - Due to the loss of a partner in the division, our partner is now responsible for two divisions and 55 people. Most partners look after about 10 people and 1/5 of a division. Can you see the problem here? He's overworked, overstressed and I don't believe he has the time to properly administer and understand what is going on in his division. It's a recipe for disaster, which I'm waiting to hit any time now.
- Poor planning - our division is useless at planning, pure and simple. Recent decisions include seconding two staff full time for 5 months to a client. Motivation? Money. Problem? Lots of work to be done that needs staff internally. At least in my area (data analytics) anyway - the two staff gone were my main two allies in data analytics. Additionally, we are frequently double, triple, quadruple or more booked on jobs, are never given sufficient time to finish jobs and end up in a mess where we're doing 7 engagements at a time and not getting anywhere with any of them. We then look bad and everyone else in the division has to be rotated to accommodate us in turn, pissing them off. We never get a feeling of satisfaction because we hardly ever complete anything on time - it's usually 3 months later when you can't remember what the audit was about any more. Extremely demotivating. Plus, jobs often get cancelled because we give in to clients, meaning we're just all over the fucking place and nobody knows what anyone is doing. Worst of all, some people get heaps of work and others not a lot, just because of the diverse service lines of the division. I've had one quiet week since April 2005, while some of my colleagues have months at a time where they have literally nothing to do. It's irritating.
- Overexpectation - the partner told me when I started that the performance rating scale goes from 1 to 5. 3 is satisfactory. 4 is awesome - you're working at one level above what you are in title. 5 is super amazing - 2 levels above. He also told us that due to the requirements, specialisation of work and diversity of service lines in the division that to get a 3, we'd have to work as hard as a financial auditor would to get a 4. Similarly, a 5 to get a 4. So getting a 5 is literally impossible. Mind you, so is a 4. Hardly a prospect that is motivating, especially given we have no benefits (such as higher pay) over the financial auditors yet have to work harder. On that track, the whole workplaces exudes this disgusting culture of overworking. I worked 70 hour weeks for a month, and 60 hour weeks for 3 months around that. In my first 10 months I calculated that I worked an extra DAY a week. I often worked until 10:30 at night, and on both days of the weekend. It makes me so angry now that it makes me want to cry. All for nothing, because we get no overtime pay or time off. In fact, time off doesn't apply to us. The financial auditors get TOIL, but only during certain seasons when they are busy. Ironically (go back to my point about us not fitting in the financial audit division) we're most busy at exactly the OPPOSITE time. So we don't really have a chance to accrue much TOIL. Even if we could I doubt it'd be approved anyway, based on the tone from the top. Seriously, you feel awful walking out of the office at 5, even 6 sometimes. It ruined my work life balance and subsequently it is ruining my life.
Shitty Dinner
Saturday, 16 December 2006, 18:13 +0800 GMT
After the social club family day I had to go to a dinner for a friend's birthday. It was at a relatively nice place, I just felt very out of the conversation and situation. Adding again to my feeling that I don't belong on this earth. I was across from the birthday girl and her boyfriend, and in the middle really. I'm used to being on the outside of the group and always feel out of the conversation because of that. But I guess I realised it doesn't really make much difference. They were all talking about pointless, boring things, and I just didn't enjoy it at all. Having liked the birthday girl a lot in the past didn't exactly help. The effect on me is minimal but still enough to make me a little uncomfortable. So needless to say I really didn't enjoy myself. Being my normal self, I just decided to leave, stood up, said goodbye and walked off. On my own, out into the night, in typical me style. Thankfully my excuse was real and did play a part of the reason why I left (I was tired). Still felt shitty, though. Made me realise several things. I don't fit in with those friends/colleagues any more. I'm not interested in them or what they have to say. I also lack companionship, and always have. It always comes back to that doesn't it? I find I'm pretty good at coming up with sage, logical advice but I never follow it. I need to sort myself out before I can realistically get and keep a girlfriend. Hehe. Ironic. Anyway. Shit weekend.
Saturday, 16 December 2006, 18:13 +0800 GMT
After the social club family day I had to go to a dinner for a friend's birthday. It was at a relatively nice place, I just felt very out of the conversation and situation. Adding again to my feeling that I don't belong on this earth. I was across from the birthday girl and her boyfriend, and in the middle really. I'm used to being on the outside of the group and always feel out of the conversation because of that. But I guess I realised it doesn't really make much difference. They were all talking about pointless, boring things, and I just didn't enjoy it at all. Having liked the birthday girl a lot in the past didn't exactly help. The effect on me is minimal but still enough to make me a little uncomfortable. So needless to say I really didn't enjoy myself. Being my normal self, I just decided to leave, stood up, said goodbye and walked off. On my own, out into the night, in typical me style. Thankfully my excuse was real and did play a part of the reason why I left (I was tired). Still felt shitty, though. Made me realise several things. I don't fit in with those friends/colleagues any more. I'm not interested in them or what they have to say. I also lack companionship, and always have. It always comes back to that doesn't it? I find I'm pretty good at coming up with sage, logical advice but I never follow it. I need to sort myself out before I can realistically get and keep a girlfriend. Hehe. Ironic. Anyway. Shit weekend.
"Family Day" Outing
Saturday, 16 December 2006, 17:58 +0800 GMT
Had a rather surprisingly good day on Saturday. Last year I joined the social club committee at work and basically did fuck all because I was too busy with work. I felt really bad because I didn't help organise anything at all. So I tried to make up for it this year. Part of that was to go to the family day event we hold, where families can come down and have a BBQ in a really nice park near the city. It's not my kind of event because I don't really like children that much, but I had a really good time. I was BBQ master and did the kebabs for several hours. It was good fun, and I got to hang out with some audit and tax people in the social club, plus see a couple of the senior managers from my division with their kiddies. Overall, a surprisingly good day out!
Saturday, 16 December 2006, 17:58 +0800 GMT
Had a rather surprisingly good day on Saturday. Last year I joined the social club committee at work and basically did fuck all because I was too busy with work. I felt really bad because I didn't help organise anything at all. So I tried to make up for it this year. Part of that was to go to the family day event we hold, where families can come down and have a BBQ in a really nice park near the city. It's not my kind of event because I don't really like children that much, but I had a really good time. I was BBQ master and did the kebabs for several hours. It was good fun, and I got to hang out with some audit and tax people in the social club, plus see a couple of the senior managers from my division with their kiddies. Overall, a surprisingly good day out!
Addiction to Games
Friday, 15 December 2006, 20:52 +0800 GMT
Realised I've been playing too many games again, *sobs*. With NWN2 it's just *hard* not to play the computer. I really really must stop this. I stayed at home on Saturday night when I was supposed to go out for dinner and laser games. Gave the excuse that I wasn't feeling the best (which was true) but it was more mental than physical. And it would have been so easily broken had I gone. *sigh* I really am a wreck. Found an article online that some drug rehab clinics are starting to treat gamers hehe. Apparently 20% of gamers will develop an addiction to a game. Which is frightening really, and knowing the impact first hand it's especially bad. Lack of involvement with friends and family, lack of love life, distaste for work. All in part symptoms of the greater game addiction phenomenon. *sigh* I'll try to do something about it. My computer will be out of action for a while coming up so I'll *try* to use it to get away from the computer for a bit, at least.
Friday, 15 December 2006, 20:52 +0800 GMT
Realised I've been playing too many games again, *sobs*. With NWN2 it's just *hard* not to play the computer. I really really must stop this. I stayed at home on Saturday night when I was supposed to go out for dinner and laser games. Gave the excuse that I wasn't feeling the best (which was true) but it was more mental than physical. And it would have been so easily broken had I gone. *sigh* I really am a wreck. Found an article online that some drug rehab clinics are starting to treat gamers hehe. Apparently 20% of gamers will develop an addiction to a game. Which is frightening really, and knowing the impact first hand it's especially bad. Lack of involvement with friends and family, lack of love life, distaste for work. All in part symptoms of the greater game addiction phenomenon. *sigh* I'll try to do something about it. My computer will be out of action for a while coming up so I'll *try* to use it to get away from the computer for a bit, at least.
Stupid IT security
Friday, 08 December 2006, 23:17 +0800 GMT
I find that the world is a strange place when it comes to IT security. You've got so many parties - retarded home users, semi experienced people, gurus, shameless marketers and so on. The list goes on. The interplay is quite amusing, although rather frightening. Wireless is the perfect example. Home users mostly don't know what the security is all about, or the need for it. It's kinda like giving someone from the 18th century a car without seatbelts, airbags or brakes. They wouldn't know the difference and would probably be perfectly happy driving it, thinking it's the best thing since sliced bread. The problem with wireless is that the need for security is inherently unknown. At least the 18th century person might feel worried about the speed of the car and inability to stop easily. They might have a clue that it's dangerous. Wireless isn't like that. It's a plug and play invention which people just bring home and whack on their network and just use, without thinking. Which means it's the *responsibility* of those who are more savvy to educate them, and above all it's the *responsibility* of wireless manufacturers to set up security so it's either on by default or very easy to set up for the layperson. I'm sick of irresponsible vendors, and I'm sick of seeing so many insecure wireless access points. Of course, wireless is the tip of the iceberg - then you have to think about firewalls, passwords, user account validity, patch maintenance and so on. It's really, really scary working as an IT auditor, seeing some of the settings clients use and some of the vulnerabilities on their Internet facing servers. I just wish people were more savvy in general about this stuff, instead of being literally scared of technology. *sigh*
Friday, 08 December 2006, 23:17 +0800 GMT
I find that the world is a strange place when it comes to IT security. You've got so many parties - retarded home users, semi experienced people, gurus, shameless marketers and so on. The list goes on. The interplay is quite amusing, although rather frightening. Wireless is the perfect example. Home users mostly don't know what the security is all about, or the need for it. It's kinda like giving someone from the 18th century a car without seatbelts, airbags or brakes. They wouldn't know the difference and would probably be perfectly happy driving it, thinking it's the best thing since sliced bread. The problem with wireless is that the need for security is inherently unknown. At least the 18th century person might feel worried about the speed of the car and inability to stop easily. They might have a clue that it's dangerous. Wireless isn't like that. It's a plug and play invention which people just bring home and whack on their network and just use, without thinking. Which means it's the *responsibility* of those who are more savvy to educate them, and above all it's the *responsibility* of wireless manufacturers to set up security so it's either on by default or very easy to set up for the layperson. I'm sick of irresponsible vendors, and I'm sick of seeing so many insecure wireless access points. Of course, wireless is the tip of the iceberg - then you have to think about firewalls, passwords, user account validity, patch maintenance and so on. It's really, really scary working as an IT auditor, seeing some of the settings clients use and some of the vulnerabilities on their Internet facing servers. I just wish people were more savvy in general about this stuff, instead of being literally scared of technology. *sigh*
Russell Peters
Thursday, 07 December 2006, 19:21 +0800 GMT
Went to watch Russell Peters the other day, a stand up comedian. He was pretty funny. He mainly focuses on cultural differences and somehow manages to make everyone feel good although all he's really doing is putting on great accents and making fun of everyone. Some absolutely side splitting moments hehe. Made me think about what makes stand up good, though. I loved Eddie Murphy's Delerious, and I see a lot of common factors between him and Russell Peters. They tell good stories that people can identify with - usually from childhood or in relation to ethnicity. They use recurring themes, for example, they'll talk about something once and then bring it back into their routine later on, reinforcing the point and making everything funnier. And that's about it. Obviously funny subject matter helps as well hehe :) I like stand up a lot, it makes me laugh and that makes me feel happy :) Which I really, really need at times.
Thursday, 07 December 2006, 19:21 +0800 GMT
Went to watch Russell Peters the other day, a stand up comedian. He was pretty funny. He mainly focuses on cultural differences and somehow manages to make everyone feel good although all he's really doing is putting on great accents and making fun of everyone. Some absolutely side splitting moments hehe. Made me think about what makes stand up good, though. I loved Eddie Murphy's Delerious, and I see a lot of common factors between him and Russell Peters. They tell good stories that people can identify with - usually from childhood or in relation to ethnicity. They use recurring themes, for example, they'll talk about something once and then bring it back into their routine later on, reinforcing the point and making everything funnier. And that's about it. Obviously funny subject matter helps as well hehe :) I like stand up a lot, it makes me laugh and that makes me feel happy :) Which I really, really need at times.
Urge to be Friends
Sunday, 03 December 2006, 19:11 +0800 GMT
One of the problems I face every now and then is an intense urge to get to know someone. It's usually a female and usually because they're a) very hot and/or b) interesting in some way. Although the second last time I felt this it was actually a guy. I suppose the thing about being a 'low status male' is that most other guys seem godlike to you. Naturally, you look up to them because they are the alphas and betas, and you're approaching zeta. Everyone else seems cooler than you and you want to be like them.
I felt this most recently with a random girl who, at the time of the feeling originating, I'd never seen. Which is kudos, because it means I'm not just into her looks. From what I can tell she does design and photography, that kind of stuff, which I'm extremely interested in. I've only seen a bit of her work but it was pretty bloody nice in my view. As per above, when I meet people who are very good at things I'm interested in I get very interested in them and really want to get to know them. It makes sense, really, but I think the passion that strikes me is probably because I'm somewhat socially inept and not very good at things, which means I don't have experience with the other side of the coin.
These days I learn to manage it so I don't come across as a total freak. I think if someone were as interested in me as I get in others and they made it known in the way I used to, I'd be running too. It is hard, I mean, you develop such respect for these people you put them on a pedestal and they become hard to talk to. Especially if they're female, which I find hard enough already. Something to think about I guess.
Sunday, 03 December 2006, 19:11 +0800 GMT
One of the problems I face every now and then is an intense urge to get to know someone. It's usually a female and usually because they're a) very hot and/or b) interesting in some way. Although the second last time I felt this it was actually a guy. I suppose the thing about being a 'low status male' is that most other guys seem godlike to you. Naturally, you look up to them because they are the alphas and betas, and you're approaching zeta. Everyone else seems cooler than you and you want to be like them.
I felt this most recently with a random girl who, at the time of the feeling originating, I'd never seen. Which is kudos, because it means I'm not just into her looks. From what I can tell she does design and photography, that kind of stuff, which I'm extremely interested in. I've only seen a bit of her work but it was pretty bloody nice in my view. As per above, when I meet people who are very good at things I'm interested in I get very interested in them and really want to get to know them. It makes sense, really, but I think the passion that strikes me is probably because I'm somewhat socially inept and not very good at things, which means I don't have experience with the other side of the coin.
These days I learn to manage it so I don't come across as a total freak. I think if someone were as interested in me as I get in others and they made it known in the way I used to, I'd be running too. It is hard, I mean, you develop such respect for these people you put them on a pedestal and they become hard to talk to. Especially if they're female, which I find hard enough already. Something to think about I guess.
Wargames!
Thursday, 30 November 2006, 22:43 +0800 GMT
We've been running a series of security presentations to our clients at work recently. They've been good fun but over time they have been neglected. Eventually we ended up missing one due to insufficient time to prepare a high enough quality presentation. Naturally, not one of our better moments. To make up for it we decided to consolidate all the presentations into some wargames. Which were really good fun, I have to say. I didn't have much input into what happened, as usual, but the senior manager did a good job of developing a scenario. It was contrived, but very cool.
You start off with a standard DMZ & internal network setup. The attackers are on the 'Internet' segregated from the internal networks by a PIX firewall that only allows port 80, 777 and a variety of higher level ports through. Not particularly interesting. Using nmap you find that 80 and 777 are open, and the higher level ports are closed. Closed ports are unusual and are actually quite nasty, as I'll explain. Using amap you discover 777 is ssh - nice. Visiting the website you find a credit union banking page. Using SQL injection you work out it's an MS-SQL server and are able to enumerate the database and identify an interesting table called Administration. From here you obtain some passwords that look like they are hashed, which indeed they are. MD5 for contrived example's sake. Which are easily crackable using Abel and Cain to obtain passwords. Naturally, you try them out on the ssh and find they work (again contrived but the passwords could come from other sources). You now have admin rights on the box. Assume that you want to hit a box inside the firewall as it has all the good data on it. From here, you now use net config workstation and nslookup commands etc. to find information about the network and host. Unfortunately the firewall blocks direct access to the internal host, so you use a utility called fpipe to set up port forwarding. Very nasty! You can do this because of the closed ports in the firewall - reason 1 not to leave these up! Now, you know the internal host is Windows from recon done earlier, so you think to exploit the common ports with M$ vulnerabilities - 135 and 139. Using fpipe you set up a port on the DMZ box to forward to these ports on the internal target host. Unfortunately we can't vulnerability scan these easily because Nessus scans directly to 135 and 139, not 10000 etc. So, we create a local fpipe to forward traffic from 127.0.0.1 on 135 and 139 to the ports on the DMZ host that will then forward to 135 and 139 on the internal host. Magic. We find a vulnerability and exploit it using Metasploit. Ta-da! Wargames over. Very, very, very cool. Obviously contrived but it was a well thought out example and covered a lot in a short period of time - the clients loved it and I felt a great sense of satisfaction, especially as I had minimal input into the games and hardly any time to familiarise myself with them, yet still managed to pick it up very quickly and cover everything necessary for the clients with confidence. A rare feeling for me.
Thursday, 30 November 2006, 22:43 +0800 GMT
We've been running a series of security presentations to our clients at work recently. They've been good fun but over time they have been neglected. Eventually we ended up missing one due to insufficient time to prepare a high enough quality presentation. Naturally, not one of our better moments. To make up for it we decided to consolidate all the presentations into some wargames. Which were really good fun, I have to say. I didn't have much input into what happened, as usual, but the senior manager did a good job of developing a scenario. It was contrived, but very cool.
You start off with a standard DMZ & internal network setup. The attackers are on the 'Internet' segregated from the internal networks by a PIX firewall that only allows port 80, 777 and a variety of higher level ports through. Not particularly interesting. Using nmap you find that 80 and 777 are open, and the higher level ports are closed. Closed ports are unusual and are actually quite nasty, as I'll explain. Using amap you discover 777 is ssh - nice. Visiting the website you find a credit union banking page. Using SQL injection you work out it's an MS-SQL server and are able to enumerate the database and identify an interesting table called Administration. From here you obtain some passwords that look like they are hashed, which indeed they are. MD5 for contrived example's sake. Which are easily crackable using Abel and Cain to obtain passwords. Naturally, you try them out on the ssh and find they work (again contrived but the passwords could come from other sources). You now have admin rights on the box. Assume that you want to hit a box inside the firewall as it has all the good data on it. From here, you now use net config workstation and nslookup commands etc. to find information about the network and host. Unfortunately the firewall blocks direct access to the internal host, so you use a utility called fpipe to set up port forwarding. Very nasty! You can do this because of the closed ports in the firewall - reason 1 not to leave these up! Now, you know the internal host is Windows from recon done earlier, so you think to exploit the common ports with M$ vulnerabilities - 135 and 139. Using fpipe you set up a port on the DMZ box to forward to these ports on the internal target host. Unfortunately we can't vulnerability scan these easily because Nessus scans directly to 135 and 139, not 10000 etc. So, we create a local fpipe to forward traffic from 127.0.0.1 on 135 and 139 to the ports on the DMZ host that will then forward to 135 and 139 on the internal host. Magic. We find a vulnerability and exploit it using Metasploit. Ta-da! Wargames over. Very, very, very cool. Obviously contrived but it was a well thought out example and covered a lot in a short period of time - the clients loved it and I felt a great sense of satisfaction, especially as I had minimal input into the games and hardly any time to familiarise myself with them, yet still managed to pick it up very quickly and cover everything necessary for the clients with confidence. A rare feeling for me.
Hula Bula
Tuesday, 28 November 2006, 20:28 +0800 GMT
Hehehe I have writer's block with this one :( Every time I go to write it I get a strong sense that I am not going to do it justice, so I leave it alone. Plus I keep changing my mind and opinions about it. But I think I've finally got it down enough to be able to write it out properly. Kinda a long story (aren't mine all hehe) but it does get to a point eventually. Actually, it starts with one (shock, horror hehe)!
I have had great trouble for quite a long time now with second guessing people. I believe that my insight into the way people are thinking and feeling is quite strong - whether or not this has caused my second guessing, is a result of it or has no relationship to it is anyone's guess. Regardless, I tend to second guess a lot. It's like taking insight one step further from what seems solid in reality to what is probable. Although it can be good it's not really a very good step and my second guessing is nowhere near as strong as my insight.
One area I'm particularly bad with it is in relation to people I don't know very well. Usually when I want to get to know them as friends. I'm terrified of butting in where I'm not wanted, terrified that the person might not like me and not want to talk to me but because I'm trying to get to know them I'll always be there in their face. I fear being like some people who do that to me and don't even realise it - don't even realise that people don't like them but that nobody has the balls to tell them to their face. It seriously scares the shit out of me. So I analyse, and overanalyse and second guess every action. It is truly bad. I had this exact problem with my uni friends - it took me nearly four years to settle into their group and trust that they all didn't hate me. And I'm still somewhat suspicious. These days though, the fear has settled elsewhere. Take for example, some people in other departments in the company I work for. I really like these people and would love to spend more time with them getting to know them as friends. But I can't even ask to hang out with them. I don't have any link to them, any reason to spend time with them other than because I want to get to know them as friends. So I'm caught. If I don't do anything, they will think I don't like them and don't want to hang out with them. But if I do try to hang out with them I run the risk of them having to put up with me and not liking me. So bloody hard to work out. Plus, when they're girls I'm always afraid they'll think I'm trying to hit on them, and I really don't want them to think that. Again, don't even want to put anyone in a position where they feel they have to be nice or talk to me, when they don't want to.
I really don't know the answer to my problem. If I don't go after these friendships I suffer but I don't bother anyone else (I'm satisfied with people thinking I don't like them because I don't seem to want to hang out them - especially since they can always try to hang out with me and then I'll have more of an insight that they don't necessarily dislike me). If I do go after them but the person is too nervous to say they don't want to hang out with me, I put them in a horrible situation. I'd always go with me suffering over them, even though it's to my detriment.
The reason I bring this all up, besides the fact I've been thinking about it a lot recently, is because I actually got to randomly hang out with some people in this category the other night. One of my colleagues who is a very thoughtful guy, decided to organise an impromptu birthday gift for one of our HR people. I like the HR people, they're great fun and people I respect and would like to be friends with. So I jumped at the opportunity to chip in with him, and a few others from our division, to get her some flowers. I thought that would be the end of it, so was quite surprised when she suddenly appeared at my desk to say thanks, and invite me to her cocktail drinks after work. Like I said, I was surprised, completely not expecting something like that to happen. Naturally, I was very happy though and said I'd go along. I didn't have anything else on that night so the only thing stopping me was that there would probably be hardly anyone I knew there. Deciding that it was more important to celebrate her birthday than it was for me to be anti-social, I did go in the end. And it was great fun. I talked a lot to one of the other HR people about her trip overseas, which was great. Again, someone who I really like and respect and would like to see more often, but am just too fearful to contact unless we happen to be in the same place at the same time for whatever reason. Which sometimes is month between.
Anyway, the interesting part is that things went beyond me pretty fast. The birthday girl got quite tanked and was suddenly trying to dig me in the ribs, it was all very strange to me hehe. Wasn't really sure what to do. Night ended when she literally passed out from all the alcohol she'd been drinking. But it was a good night, overall. See now, normal people would take that and build on it, taking the opportunity to launch themselves into more conversations and so on. I can't do it though. Even after all that happened I still can't dislodge the fear that the people I spoke to will dislike me. And seeing I've known these people for about 2 years, I can't shake the feeling that I've set a precedent. I didn't take the opportunity to get to know them from the start, so what message will getting to know them now give. It's all so weird. And I *know* it shouldn't be this hard, and I know I'm obsessing about it and a lot of people would probably look at me and go 'what the fuck?'. But it's the way I am, and I guess I just need to find a way to deal with it.
Tuesday, 28 November 2006, 20:28 +0800 GMT
Hehehe I have writer's block with this one :( Every time I go to write it I get a strong sense that I am not going to do it justice, so I leave it alone. Plus I keep changing my mind and opinions about it. But I think I've finally got it down enough to be able to write it out properly. Kinda a long story (aren't mine all hehe) but it does get to a point eventually. Actually, it starts with one (shock, horror hehe)!
I have had great trouble for quite a long time now with second guessing people. I believe that my insight into the way people are thinking and feeling is quite strong - whether or not this has caused my second guessing, is a result of it or has no relationship to it is anyone's guess. Regardless, I tend to second guess a lot. It's like taking insight one step further from what seems solid in reality to what is probable. Although it can be good it's not really a very good step and my second guessing is nowhere near as strong as my insight.
One area I'm particularly bad with it is in relation to people I don't know very well. Usually when I want to get to know them as friends. I'm terrified of butting in where I'm not wanted, terrified that the person might not like me and not want to talk to me but because I'm trying to get to know them I'll always be there in their face. I fear being like some people who do that to me and don't even realise it - don't even realise that people don't like them but that nobody has the balls to tell them to their face. It seriously scares the shit out of me. So I analyse, and overanalyse and second guess every action. It is truly bad. I had this exact problem with my uni friends - it took me nearly four years to settle into their group and trust that they all didn't hate me. And I'm still somewhat suspicious. These days though, the fear has settled elsewhere. Take for example, some people in other departments in the company I work for. I really like these people and would love to spend more time with them getting to know them as friends. But I can't even ask to hang out with them. I don't have any link to them, any reason to spend time with them other than because I want to get to know them as friends. So I'm caught. If I don't do anything, they will think I don't like them and don't want to hang out with them. But if I do try to hang out with them I run the risk of them having to put up with me and not liking me. So bloody hard to work out. Plus, when they're girls I'm always afraid they'll think I'm trying to hit on them, and I really don't want them to think that. Again, don't even want to put anyone in a position where they feel they have to be nice or talk to me, when they don't want to.
I really don't know the answer to my problem. If I don't go after these friendships I suffer but I don't bother anyone else (I'm satisfied with people thinking I don't like them because I don't seem to want to hang out them - especially since they can always try to hang out with me and then I'll have more of an insight that they don't necessarily dislike me). If I do go after them but the person is too nervous to say they don't want to hang out with me, I put them in a horrible situation. I'd always go with me suffering over them, even though it's to my detriment.
The reason I bring this all up, besides the fact I've been thinking about it a lot recently, is because I actually got to randomly hang out with some people in this category the other night. One of my colleagues who is a very thoughtful guy, decided to organise an impromptu birthday gift for one of our HR people. I like the HR people, they're great fun and people I respect and would like to be friends with. So I jumped at the opportunity to chip in with him, and a few others from our division, to get her some flowers. I thought that would be the end of it, so was quite surprised when she suddenly appeared at my desk to say thanks, and invite me to her cocktail drinks after work. Like I said, I was surprised, completely not expecting something like that to happen. Naturally, I was very happy though and said I'd go along. I didn't have anything else on that night so the only thing stopping me was that there would probably be hardly anyone I knew there. Deciding that it was more important to celebrate her birthday than it was for me to be anti-social, I did go in the end. And it was great fun. I talked a lot to one of the other HR people about her trip overseas, which was great. Again, someone who I really like and respect and would like to see more often, but am just too fearful to contact unless we happen to be in the same place at the same time for whatever reason. Which sometimes is month between.
Anyway, the interesting part is that things went beyond me pretty fast. The birthday girl got quite tanked and was suddenly trying to dig me in the ribs, it was all very strange to me hehe. Wasn't really sure what to do. Night ended when she literally passed out from all the alcohol she'd been drinking. But it was a good night, overall. See now, normal people would take that and build on it, taking the opportunity to launch themselves into more conversations and so on. I can't do it though. Even after all that happened I still can't dislodge the fear that the people I spoke to will dislike me. And seeing I've known these people for about 2 years, I can't shake the feeling that I've set a precedent. I didn't take the opportunity to get to know them from the start, so what message will getting to know them now give. It's all so weird. And I *know* it shouldn't be this hard, and I know I'm obsessing about it and a lot of people would probably look at me and go 'what the fuck?'. But it's the way I am, and I guess I just need to find a way to deal with it.
Miscommunication at Work
Tuesday, 28 November 2006, 18:43 +0800 GMT
Work has been shitting me off more than usual recently, mainly due to a series of miscommunications. The first was in relation to a tool we can use to let our clients transfer files up to us via HTTPS. The tool went down and I was unable to access it internally, yet my clients still could. They transferred files up while I was busy trying to get help with accessing it internally. To the credit of both the global and local helpdesks, they did a good job with a short turn around time. Even though the global helpdesk was *wrong*. I asked them if there was an issue, they asked me to sort it out with local helpdesk. I did, and the problem was resolved, but I didn't receive any packages. Back to global helpdesk, who suddenly informed me there *was* a problem with the tool. Whether it was the same problem I don't know, so I didn't draw any conclusions. Regardless, my package had been sent but it definitely didn't arrive. I was not impressed, and sent an email to global helpdesk telling them that. The response back outraged me. The first line suggested I should get the data *earlier*. As I was at the time doing PRE-WORK, getting data from clients to test processes that we will be using in JANUARY next year, I replied that I was rather comfortable that I was, in fact, getting the data early enough. It was a good suggestion though, so I didn't bite their head off. Rather I waited until I calmed down to send the email and made sure it was civil and trying to make my point clearly, logically and objectively. I received a phone call sometime later where the helpdesk technician told me the sentence written by his colleague hadn't meant what I thought it had meant. I re-read the sentence and could see the other meaning, but it definitely wasn't the clear meaning of the sentence. Most people would get the same meaning out of it I did, I believe. So it was cleared up, but I was very unhappy about it all. I almost told the guy on the phone they should learn proper english before being put on helpdesk, but thinking of the times I've been misunderstood but thought what I've written has been clear I decided not to, giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Then, I had to deal with our American office in a similar theme. Getting data from a local client turned out to be impossible, but it was possible through the client's American parent company. We facilitated this data extraction through our American office, who then set it up with the client's parent company. All of a sudden, I get an email about not contacting the client directly because they were getting upset. The fact is, the data extraction wasn't meant to have to be done by the client in the US. I acknowledge that, BUT, it was our American company that facilitated the contact with the client in the first place. Again, I had to refrain from sending an irritated email. We worked it out nicely though, even though the first email was followed up by two more from other people at our American company, each one less friendly.
So we got our data and validated it. At this point I contacted the parent company data contact to coordinate the second stage of the data extraction. This was all discussed in the first request, so I figured it would be treated as such. Suddenly, I get another email from America telling me I wasn't complying with their requests about centralising data requests. The fact is, they didn't say this had to be done for the rest of this financial year. It was a 'going forward' thing. In addition, I had already MADE my request when they came back asking for FUTURE requests for NEXT FINANCIAL YEAR to be centralised. My email was simply coordinating the SECOND STAGE of my FIRST AND ONLY REQUEST. As such, I didn't see either the need or the point for it to be centralised. Yet they went nuts about it. I really, really struggled to write a tactful email back. As it was, my manager called me up to congratulate me on the email I did send. Apparently it read in such a way that I was insulting them but that they wouldn't know it. That wasn't my intention with the email - it may have been something I wanted to do but I was careful to be professional and I think it read professionally. At least he backs me up on how irritating these people are. I honestly understand what they are trying to do, but if they aren't SPECIFIC, and they NEED to be specific with things like this, then I can't help it when I do something wrong because I've interpreted their poor instructions directly, without reading their mind to find out exactly what they did want.
*sigh* it's no wonder I want to quit this place. Throughout all this I try to keep an open eye on what else is affecting me, to try to make sure I'm not missing something or getting so irritated for other reasons. And to make sure I don't make a fool of myself as a result. But I honestly think I'm clean of any influences and justified in being so irritated at the plain shitty communication I've had to put up with recently. If I take anything positive out of this it's that I need to watch my own communication to make sure shit like this doesn't happen to me.
Tuesday, 28 November 2006, 18:43 +0800 GMT
Work has been shitting me off more than usual recently, mainly due to a series of miscommunications. The first was in relation to a tool we can use to let our clients transfer files up to us via HTTPS. The tool went down and I was unable to access it internally, yet my clients still could. They transferred files up while I was busy trying to get help with accessing it internally. To the credit of both the global and local helpdesks, they did a good job with a short turn around time. Even though the global helpdesk was *wrong*. I asked them if there was an issue, they asked me to sort it out with local helpdesk. I did, and the problem was resolved, but I didn't receive any packages. Back to global helpdesk, who suddenly informed me there *was* a problem with the tool. Whether it was the same problem I don't know, so I didn't draw any conclusions. Regardless, my package had been sent but it definitely didn't arrive. I was not impressed, and sent an email to global helpdesk telling them that. The response back outraged me. The first line suggested I should get the data *earlier*. As I was at the time doing PRE-WORK, getting data from clients to test processes that we will be using in JANUARY next year, I replied that I was rather comfortable that I was, in fact, getting the data early enough. It was a good suggestion though, so I didn't bite their head off. Rather I waited until I calmed down to send the email and made sure it was civil and trying to make my point clearly, logically and objectively. I received a phone call sometime later where the helpdesk technician told me the sentence written by his colleague hadn't meant what I thought it had meant. I re-read the sentence and could see the other meaning, but it definitely wasn't the clear meaning of the sentence. Most people would get the same meaning out of it I did, I believe. So it was cleared up, but I was very unhappy about it all. I almost told the guy on the phone they should learn proper english before being put on helpdesk, but thinking of the times I've been misunderstood but thought what I've written has been clear I decided not to, giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Then, I had to deal with our American office in a similar theme. Getting data from a local client turned out to be impossible, but it was possible through the client's American parent company. We facilitated this data extraction through our American office, who then set it up with the client's parent company. All of a sudden, I get an email about not contacting the client directly because they were getting upset. The fact is, the data extraction wasn't meant to have to be done by the client in the US. I acknowledge that, BUT, it was our American company that facilitated the contact with the client in the first place. Again, I had to refrain from sending an irritated email. We worked it out nicely though, even though the first email was followed up by two more from other people at our American company, each one less friendly.
So we got our data and validated it. At this point I contacted the parent company data contact to coordinate the second stage of the data extraction. This was all discussed in the first request, so I figured it would be treated as such. Suddenly, I get another email from America telling me I wasn't complying with their requests about centralising data requests. The fact is, they didn't say this had to be done for the rest of this financial year. It was a 'going forward' thing. In addition, I had already MADE my request when they came back asking for FUTURE requests for NEXT FINANCIAL YEAR to be centralised. My email was simply coordinating the SECOND STAGE of my FIRST AND ONLY REQUEST. As such, I didn't see either the need or the point for it to be centralised. Yet they went nuts about it. I really, really struggled to write a tactful email back. As it was, my manager called me up to congratulate me on the email I did send. Apparently it read in such a way that I was insulting them but that they wouldn't know it. That wasn't my intention with the email - it may have been something I wanted to do but I was careful to be professional and I think it read professionally. At least he backs me up on how irritating these people are. I honestly understand what they are trying to do, but if they aren't SPECIFIC, and they NEED to be specific with things like this, then I can't help it when I do something wrong because I've interpreted their poor instructions directly, without reading their mind to find out exactly what they did want.
*sigh* it's no wonder I want to quit this place. Throughout all this I try to keep an open eye on what else is affecting me, to try to make sure I'm not missing something or getting so irritated for other reasons. And to make sure I don't make a fool of myself as a result. But I honestly think I'm clean of any influences and justified in being so irritated at the plain shitty communication I've had to put up with recently. If I take anything positive out of this it's that I need to watch my own communication to make sure shit like this doesn't happen to me.
I Hate Work (Again)
Wednesday, 22 November 2006, 19:35 +0800 GMT
A string of stressful and/or irritating situations recently has left me yet again wanting to quit work. There are many reasons, I suppose. Before I start I'd better just say 'All of the above is my own opinion and has nothing to do with the opinions of the company I work for' - just covering my ass :P
Anyway, management has recently changed its tone a lot regarding 'chargeability'. As I work in an auditing firm we have two components to our work - work for clients which is chargeable, and administration which is not. The push for people of my level is to reach 80% chargeability - that is, of the time we spend at work we need to spend at least 80% of it on client work. Which isn't all that unreasonable, I suppose. Problem is, it is supposed to be *effective* time. Literally no human is effective for 7.5 hours per day. So you end up with the problem of what to charge and what not to charge. Recently I've just decided that if I was working in industry, I would work at the same level of effectiveness, and that the company would pay for my time regardless because I'd be employed only by them. Therefore now I just apportion my day based on the amount of time I spend on clients. And I try to make it as effective as possible.
Still, the big problem with this chargeability push is that there is less admin time to work on other projects. Like learning, research and maintenance of the lab. I had an argument with my senior manager recently, saying that there is no point in maintaining the lab if we're not going to be given time to do it. Admittedly I'm jaded and burnt out from working so much in my first year. He's more gung ho and tends to spend his own time in the lab. I'm not prepared to do that any more. Even so, I think that if we are to have a lab, we need to time to maintain it. Otherwise we may as well just sell all the equipment - honestly.
Additionally, management are getting silly about our ratios. Chargeability is the amount of our time we spend on client work. Realisation is the amount of money we make from a job compared to the hours we spend on it charged at our (insane) full charge out rates. Naturally, if we follow their requirements and charge all our time, our chargeability goes up. But then our realisation goes down, because more hours means more money which means we don't make as much money relative to our costs. So it's impossible to appease both budget requirements. Well, the only way is to charge more, but honestly, we already charge *way* too much for our work in my opinion.
Which brings up my other point - our division is an 'outcast' division lumped in with a much larger division because it sort of fits in there. We are neglected in almost everything. We are extremely diverse and specialised at the same time. We require (sometimes much) more technical qualifications to perform our jobs. Yet we're paid the same as the financial auditors. We don't have our own training - we get crappy 'on the job' training, and are forced to go to irrelevant financial audit training. Our charge out rates aren't changed even though we do a lot of smaller jobs that it's just ridiculous to charge so much for. And finally, based on our rating scale of 1 (very bad) to 5 (very good) with 3 being satisfactory, we have to work as a 4 to achieve a 3 rating, while financial audit need only work as a 3 to achieve a 3. Just because of the diversified nature and small size of the division. Which of course makes getting high ratings very hard. Getting a 4 requires you to work two levels above your current position instead of one, and getting a 5 requires you to work three levels above. So you'd need to be working as a manager if you want to get a 5 as a Level 1 advisor.
To make things worse, the work I do doesn't inspire me any more. I stopped doing IT Process work which was just the arse end of the world when it comes audit. Thankfully. If I hadn't have stopped I would no longer be working there I'm almost certain. I moved on to do security only to find I was suddenly back to doing components of IT Process again in some jobs and finding the same problems with it in terms of getting information and getting the job done. It doesn't make sense for me to do that kind of stuff because I'm no good at it. Additionally, I feel I've learnt almost all I can about security scanning work. I want to work on the vulnerability discovery itself, not just scan for them and write up a report about them. It's boring and I no longer enjoy it. I do a lot of data analytics work now which is great, but I find it very stressful. I've recently been acting as a senior trying to manage a lot of data jobs with a lot of client contact. I'm not good at either so I've been dying. Recently got some more staff assigned to help me but none of them have analytics experience which doesn't help me out a lot - makes things worse in fact because I have to train them.
In terms of our job booking system, it is also shit. Jobs come up out of nowhere and you're just expected to do them, regardless of the fact you're already on 3 or 4 other jobs. People double book and then suddenly get shitty when you can't do their job. It's not my fucking fault the managers don't TALK to each other about bookings. I shouldn't have to manage my bookings when they are the ones doing the bookings.
And finally I just don't see a future for me in this job. I don't enjoy client contact, I don't enjoy having to go to many different clients, I hate being an auditor that everyone seems to hate and not help. It makes me upset, it makes me stressed, and it makes me angry.
So that's why I don't like work. I want to move into industry, I've had a strange lust for programming. Not sure if I could or would want to get a job programming, but it could be really good. Mind you, that's stressful too, as although I can program I don't do design very well the first time. Takes me some experimentation to get a design I'm relatively happy with and then I'm never entirely sure if it's good or not. Alternatively I'd like to move into data analytics. I've got some accounting knowledge and plenty of data analytics knowledge. I'd love to go into a full time job just playing with and analysing data. Problem is that's going to be mainly contract short term work. Still, anything to get out of my current job :) I'm thinking about quitting before I go to Japan in March. That, or before I go on JET if I get it. If I don't get it, I'll most likely quit anyway. It's just finding a new job then or when I get back from JET that's the problem.
Anyway, I had a performance meeting with my counselling manager recently, and I let them know my intentions. So I'll see what happens. In the meantime at least they're hopefully worried. What they need to understand is that most people on my level feel the same. I just love the power that groups have. If all 5 of us at my level quit (extremely unlikely, but hey) the division will suffer badly. It won't die, it'll just be in strife for a while and everyone else will have to do more work. Which will of course make them shitty, and with any luck cause them to quit >:) So evil. *shrug* I know I shouldn't let my distaste with the above turn into dislike of management or wishing negative things on the firm. It's so easy though :/
Wednesday, 22 November 2006, 19:35 +0800 GMT
A string of stressful and/or irritating situations recently has left me yet again wanting to quit work. There are many reasons, I suppose. Before I start I'd better just say 'All of the above is my own opinion and has nothing to do with the opinions of the company I work for' - just covering my ass :P
Anyway, management has recently changed its tone a lot regarding 'chargeability'. As I work in an auditing firm we have two components to our work - work for clients which is chargeable, and administration which is not. The push for people of my level is to reach 80% chargeability - that is, of the time we spend at work we need to spend at least 80% of it on client work. Which isn't all that unreasonable, I suppose. Problem is, it is supposed to be *effective* time. Literally no human is effective for 7.5 hours per day. So you end up with the problem of what to charge and what not to charge. Recently I've just decided that if I was working in industry, I would work at the same level of effectiveness, and that the company would pay for my time regardless because I'd be employed only by them. Therefore now I just apportion my day based on the amount of time I spend on clients. And I try to make it as effective as possible.
Still, the big problem with this chargeability push is that there is less admin time to work on other projects. Like learning, research and maintenance of the lab. I had an argument with my senior manager recently, saying that there is no point in maintaining the lab if we're not going to be given time to do it. Admittedly I'm jaded and burnt out from working so much in my first year. He's more gung ho and tends to spend his own time in the lab. I'm not prepared to do that any more. Even so, I think that if we are to have a lab, we need to time to maintain it. Otherwise we may as well just sell all the equipment - honestly.
Additionally, management are getting silly about our ratios. Chargeability is the amount of our time we spend on client work. Realisation is the amount of money we make from a job compared to the hours we spend on it charged at our (insane) full charge out rates. Naturally, if we follow their requirements and charge all our time, our chargeability goes up. But then our realisation goes down, because more hours means more money which means we don't make as much money relative to our costs. So it's impossible to appease both budget requirements. Well, the only way is to charge more, but honestly, we already charge *way* too much for our work in my opinion.
Which brings up my other point - our division is an 'outcast' division lumped in with a much larger division because it sort of fits in there. We are neglected in almost everything. We are extremely diverse and specialised at the same time. We require (sometimes much) more technical qualifications to perform our jobs. Yet we're paid the same as the financial auditors. We don't have our own training - we get crappy 'on the job' training, and are forced to go to irrelevant financial audit training. Our charge out rates aren't changed even though we do a lot of smaller jobs that it's just ridiculous to charge so much for. And finally, based on our rating scale of 1 (very bad) to 5 (very good) with 3 being satisfactory, we have to work as a 4 to achieve a 3 rating, while financial audit need only work as a 3 to achieve a 3. Just because of the diversified nature and small size of the division. Which of course makes getting high ratings very hard. Getting a 4 requires you to work two levels above your current position instead of one, and getting a 5 requires you to work three levels above. So you'd need to be working as a manager if you want to get a 5 as a Level 1 advisor.
To make things worse, the work I do doesn't inspire me any more. I stopped doing IT Process work which was just the arse end of the world when it comes audit. Thankfully. If I hadn't have stopped I would no longer be working there I'm almost certain. I moved on to do security only to find I was suddenly back to doing components of IT Process again in some jobs and finding the same problems with it in terms of getting information and getting the job done. It doesn't make sense for me to do that kind of stuff because I'm no good at it. Additionally, I feel I've learnt almost all I can about security scanning work. I want to work on the vulnerability discovery itself, not just scan for them and write up a report about them. It's boring and I no longer enjoy it. I do a lot of data analytics work now which is great, but I find it very stressful. I've recently been acting as a senior trying to manage a lot of data jobs with a lot of client contact. I'm not good at either so I've been dying. Recently got some more staff assigned to help me but none of them have analytics experience which doesn't help me out a lot - makes things worse in fact because I have to train them.
In terms of our job booking system, it is also shit. Jobs come up out of nowhere and you're just expected to do them, regardless of the fact you're already on 3 or 4 other jobs. People double book and then suddenly get shitty when you can't do their job. It's not my fucking fault the managers don't TALK to each other about bookings. I shouldn't have to manage my bookings when they are the ones doing the bookings.
And finally I just don't see a future for me in this job. I don't enjoy client contact, I don't enjoy having to go to many different clients, I hate being an auditor that everyone seems to hate and not help. It makes me upset, it makes me stressed, and it makes me angry.
So that's why I don't like work. I want to move into industry, I've had a strange lust for programming. Not sure if I could or would want to get a job programming, but it could be really good. Mind you, that's stressful too, as although I can program I don't do design very well the first time. Takes me some experimentation to get a design I'm relatively happy with and then I'm never entirely sure if it's good or not. Alternatively I'd like to move into data analytics. I've got some accounting knowledge and plenty of data analytics knowledge. I'd love to go into a full time job just playing with and analysing data. Problem is that's going to be mainly contract short term work. Still, anything to get out of my current job :) I'm thinking about quitting before I go to Japan in March. That, or before I go on JET if I get it. If I don't get it, I'll most likely quit anyway. It's just finding a new job then or when I get back from JET that's the problem.
Anyway, I had a performance meeting with my counselling manager recently, and I let them know my intentions. So I'll see what happens. In the meantime at least they're hopefully worried. What they need to understand is that most people on my level feel the same. I just love the power that groups have. If all 5 of us at my level quit (extremely unlikely, but hey) the division will suffer badly. It won't die, it'll just be in strife for a while and everyone else will have to do more work. Which will of course make them shitty, and with any luck cause them to quit >:) So evil. *shrug* I know I shouldn't let my distaste with the above turn into dislike of management or wishing negative things on the firm. It's so easy though :/
Ascension & Increased Used of the Human Brain
Thursday, 23 November 2006, 16:19 +0800 GMT
Watching Stargate makes me think back to the fact that we only use about 10% of our brains. Imagine what we could do if we could harness the processing power and memory of the remaining brain. Might allow us to use magic, be telekinetic, telepathic and god knows what. Pretty amazing. I have no doubt that one day we will evolve to an incredible state, at least in terms of knowledge. I believe one day we will be able to manipulate the smallest levels of matter possible, and that as a result we will become incredibly powerful. It'd be a pretty awesome time to be alive, you'd hope. Although knowing the human race we'd probably use it to blow each other up :/
Thursday, 23 November 2006, 16:19 +0800 GMT
Watching Stargate makes me think back to the fact that we only use about 10% of our brains. Imagine what we could do if we could harness the processing power and memory of the remaining brain. Might allow us to use magic, be telekinetic, telepathic and god knows what. Pretty amazing. I have no doubt that one day we will evolve to an incredible state, at least in terms of knowledge. I believe one day we will be able to manipulate the smallest levels of matter possible, and that as a result we will become incredibly powerful. It'd be a pretty awesome time to be alive, you'd hope. Although knowing the human race we'd probably use it to blow each other up :/
Lexa Doig
Thursday, 23 November 2006, 16:31 +0800 GMT
I've been watching Stargate SG1 recently, season 9. As the former base doctor died in Season 8 at some point, a new doctor was brought in. And she's FREAKING hot hehe. Her real name is Lexa Doig, and she's half asian (Filipino), half caucasian (American?). I've commented before about 'hybrids' - a lot of people seem to say they're freaking hot. I think the ratio is probably the same as non hybrids - some are hot, some are not. Lexa Doig is certainly very, very hot. I think it's a phase I'm going through at the moment, mind you hehe...finding a lot of people very attractive at the moment, bit of a worry :D
Anyway, I think what makes her so hot is that she combines the best of asian and caucasian features. She has large caucasian eyes that are beautifully brown in an asian kind of way, dark straight hair that is not quite black, beautiful 'in between' skin (asian and caucasian) and strikes a perfect balance between an asian and caucasian body. I think the most catching part about her is her facial features though. Caucasians (beautiful ones, anyway) tend to have quite angular jaws/cheekbones, while asians seem to have quite round faces/cheekbones. She has angular cheekbones that are just incredible when combined with the rest of her features. One of the most beautiful people I've ever seen. Strangely enough though, she really is quite 'plain' beautiful. This is down to my preferences, I suppose. I tend to like people who aren't conventionally beautiful - pretty yes, but they have something about them that isn't 'normal'. Hard to explain, but someone who doesn't have it knocks me over but then leaves me feeling a bit empty, as if something is missing. I don't get that missing feeling with someone who is 'different'.
Anyway...she's really really hot. End message :P
Thursday, 23 November 2006, 16:31 +0800 GMT
I've been watching Stargate SG1 recently, season 9. As the former base doctor died in Season 8 at some point, a new doctor was brought in. And she's FREAKING hot hehe. Her real name is Lexa Doig, and she's half asian (Filipino), half caucasian (American?). I've commented before about 'hybrids' - a lot of people seem to say they're freaking hot. I think the ratio is probably the same as non hybrids - some are hot, some are not. Lexa Doig is certainly very, very hot. I think it's a phase I'm going through at the moment, mind you hehe...finding a lot of people very attractive at the moment, bit of a worry :D
Anyway, I think what makes her so hot is that she combines the best of asian and caucasian features. She has large caucasian eyes that are beautifully brown in an asian kind of way, dark straight hair that is not quite black, beautiful 'in between' skin (asian and caucasian) and strikes a perfect balance between an asian and caucasian body. I think the most catching part about her is her facial features though. Caucasians (beautiful ones, anyway) tend to have quite angular jaws/cheekbones, while asians seem to have quite round faces/cheekbones. She has angular cheekbones that are just incredible when combined with the rest of her features. One of the most beautiful people I've ever seen. Strangely enough though, she really is quite 'plain' beautiful. This is down to my preferences, I suppose. I tend to like people who aren't conventionally beautiful - pretty yes, but they have something about them that isn't 'normal'. Hard to explain, but someone who doesn't have it knocks me over but then leaves me feeling a bit empty, as if something is missing. I don't get that missing feeling with someone who is 'different'.
Anyway...she's really really hot. End message :P
Government Stability
Thursday, 23 November 2006, 17:03 +0800 GMT
Was watching an episode of Stargate again and an Auri virus escaped onto Earth. Earth's scientists couldn't defeat it. The interesting part was that the army and government of the country were scared that the virus would lead to the destabilisation of the government. This is an extremely interesting thought and lends credence to the calls from various groups that human society as it is currently is merely a thin veil on top of primal instincts. Should instability arise, it easily multiplies into anarchy - violence, selfishness, self preservation and so on. A scary thought and definitely a sobering one.
Thursday, 23 November 2006, 17:03 +0800 GMT
Was watching an episode of Stargate again and an Auri virus escaped onto Earth. Earth's scientists couldn't defeat it. The interesting part was that the army and government of the country were scared that the virus would lead to the destabilisation of the government. This is an extremely interesting thought and lends credence to the calls from various groups that human society as it is currently is merely a thin veil on top of primal instincts. Should instability arise, it easily multiplies into anarchy - violence, selfishness, self preservation and so on. A scary thought and definitely a sobering one.
Completely Overdone Themes
Thursday, 23 November 2006, 17:25 +0800 GMT
Watching Stargate I've decided that it's been going on too long. The re-use of themes and repeating of episode styles both intra-season and intra-series (Atlantis etc.) becomes really irritating. There are only so many times you can have a character with a disabling wound or situation have a conversation with a person in their head to get them through it. And only so many times an episode can be a dream in someone's head. Get some new ideas, guys, or shut the freaking series down. Thank god for you, Sci Fi, for canning SG-1 at Season 10. And damn you MGM, you mongrel idiots, for persisting with Stargate SG-1 Season 11 straight-to-dvd. Concentrate on Atlantis or create a new spin off with some new ideas for god's sake!
Thursday, 23 November 2006, 17:25 +0800 GMT
Watching Stargate I've decided that it's been going on too long. The re-use of themes and repeating of episode styles both intra-season and intra-series (Atlantis etc.) becomes really irritating. There are only so many times you can have a character with a disabling wound or situation have a conversation with a person in their head to get them through it. And only so many times an episode can be a dream in someone's head. Get some new ideas, guys, or shut the freaking series down. Thank god for you, Sci Fi, for canning SG-1 at Season 10. And damn you MGM, you mongrel idiots, for persisting with Stargate SG-1 Season 11 straight-to-dvd. Concentrate on Atlantis or create a new spin off with some new ideas for god's sake!
Rent Inspection
Tuesday, 21 November 2006, 22:43 +0800 GMT
We had a rent inspection the other day, for the first time. Our real estate agent is a bit strange - she seems out of it half the time. We were supposed to have one 6 weeks after our rent started, but it was more like 4 months hehe. Anyway, she turned up at our door randomly, saying we had an inspection. Only one of my housemates was home and she was like, WTF? Apparently the lady had sent us a letter but we certainly hadn't received it. She wasn't very happy, mind you, neither were we. And I believe the law was on our side - unless she knew for sure we'd received it (e.g. handed the letter to us herself) she didn't have a leg to stand on. Anyway, after telling my housemate we'd have failed the inspection if it was on the day (because of the weeds in the garden hehe) she went away. I wasn't very impressed by what she'd tried to pull but I also felt bad about the weeds. It's my job to keep the garden nice and I didn't do a good job of it.
She organised to come back next week, so we spent a lot of time in the garden on the weekend and days before she came. Inside the house was easy because all we needed to do was our regular weekend clean, plus be a little more anal - washing the tiled areas, dusting a bit more thoroughly etc. As it was, we passed our inspection and she was pretty happy with the way things were. A few areas we hadn't thought about were mentioned - bottom of the oven, top of the range hood, sliding door tracks and so on. But overall not too bad, and the garden wasn't bad either despite the dying lawn. Mind you, the contract says to keep it as we found it, and we have. It's the soil here, it's absolutely awful. Not much we can do about that unless we spend ridiculous amounts of money. Seeing it's not my house, I don't think so hehe.
Received a reminder letter from her the other day about what we had to do before the next inspection, which is formal 'in writing' so we have to address it. As she was happy though, I think it's more 'please do this as well' rather than 'if you don't do this I'll terminate your rent contract'. Most are easily rectified just before our next inspection, the lawn is a little harder. I'll just get some fertiliser and weed killer and show her the empty bottles next time she comes, should the lawn not recover. Can't do much more than that. Plus, we're covered because we asked for help in writing and got no response. Muahaha. I love the world, sometimes. Law works the way it's meant to, at times.
Tuesday, 21 November 2006, 22:43 +0800 GMT
We had a rent inspection the other day, for the first time. Our real estate agent is a bit strange - she seems out of it half the time. We were supposed to have one 6 weeks after our rent started, but it was more like 4 months hehe. Anyway, she turned up at our door randomly, saying we had an inspection. Only one of my housemates was home and she was like, WTF? Apparently the lady had sent us a letter but we certainly hadn't received it. She wasn't very happy, mind you, neither were we. And I believe the law was on our side - unless she knew for sure we'd received it (e.g. handed the letter to us herself) she didn't have a leg to stand on. Anyway, after telling my housemate we'd have failed the inspection if it was on the day (because of the weeds in the garden hehe) she went away. I wasn't very impressed by what she'd tried to pull but I also felt bad about the weeds. It's my job to keep the garden nice and I didn't do a good job of it.
She organised to come back next week, so we spent a lot of time in the garden on the weekend and days before she came. Inside the house was easy because all we needed to do was our regular weekend clean, plus be a little more anal - washing the tiled areas, dusting a bit more thoroughly etc. As it was, we passed our inspection and she was pretty happy with the way things were. A few areas we hadn't thought about were mentioned - bottom of the oven, top of the range hood, sliding door tracks and so on. But overall not too bad, and the garden wasn't bad either despite the dying lawn. Mind you, the contract says to keep it as we found it, and we have. It's the soil here, it's absolutely awful. Not much we can do about that unless we spend ridiculous amounts of money. Seeing it's not my house, I don't think so hehe.
Received a reminder letter from her the other day about what we had to do before the next inspection, which is formal 'in writing' so we have to address it. As she was happy though, I think it's more 'please do this as well' rather than 'if you don't do this I'll terminate your rent contract'. Most are easily rectified just before our next inspection, the lawn is a little harder. I'll just get some fertiliser and weed killer and show her the empty bottles next time she comes, should the lawn not recover. Can't do much more than that. Plus, we're covered because we asked for help in writing and got no response. Muahaha. I love the world, sometimes. Law works the way it's meant to, at times.
NWN2 Irritation
Saturday, 18 November 2006, 20:13 +0800 GMT
Recently managed to get my copy of Neverwinter Nights 2 - finally. It was delayed for about a month, for god's sake. Something about not having enough copies in the country to cover pre-orders. Bloody idiots. Anyway, at least the game is popular :) I had great fun playing it for the past few weeks - finally finished it on Sunday. Quite a good game. I've written more about it later on in the journal. Thing that irritated me though was that after I installed it I decided to update before playing it, on the off chance. I was hit with an 86MB patch. No worries for my net connection, just freaking annoying that such a big patch was released already. Apparently it contained code optimisations that turned it from being unplayable even on my beast to being barely playable. The graphics aren't even that good, to be honest. So I have no idea why the engine is so bloody intensive. Poor programming I'd say. Later on another patch was released that really sped the game up again, so I was happy about that. I have to play on mostly low settings and at 1024x768, but at least it's quite smooth. Retarded given I have a 4000+ AMD processor, 2 GB RAM and SLI 7800GTs. Still, bloody good game so I kinda forget about the bad bits hehe.
Saturday, 18 November 2006, 20:13 +0800 GMT
Recently managed to get my copy of Neverwinter Nights 2 - finally. It was delayed for about a month, for god's sake. Something about not having enough copies in the country to cover pre-orders. Bloody idiots. Anyway, at least the game is popular :) I had great fun playing it for the past few weeks - finally finished it on Sunday. Quite a good game. I've written more about it later on in the journal. Thing that irritated me though was that after I installed it I decided to update before playing it, on the off chance. I was hit with an 86MB patch. No worries for my net connection, just freaking annoying that such a big patch was released already. Apparently it contained code optimisations that turned it from being unplayable even on my beast to being barely playable. The graphics aren't even that good, to be honest. So I have no idea why the engine is so bloody intensive. Poor programming I'd say. Later on another patch was released that really sped the game up again, so I was happy about that. I have to play on mostly low settings and at 1024x768, but at least it's quite smooth. Retarded given I have a 4000+ AMD processor, 2 GB RAM and SLI 7800GTs. Still, bloody good game so I kinda forget about the bad bits hehe.
Faulty RAM
Saturday, 18 November 2006, 22:43 +0800 GMT
My computer suddenly reset the other day, in the middle of playing Neverwinter Nights 2. I was like...what the fuck? It then went to a Windows blue screen. That was a little scary. My initial thoughts were heat, but I'd used the computer in the middle of February before with no problems. I let it reboot, expecting it to come to the Windows screen. It did, but then it rebooted again. And again, and again. I started to get a sinking feeling. It just wouldn't come back to life. Figuring it had to be hardware, I took a stick of RAM out. This time, it wouldn't even boot. With either stick of RAM, in any of the sockets, in any configuration. I started to get very worried, thinking it was something else. I disconnected everything else to try to get it to POST. Eventually got it to post with one stick of RAM. Plugged a few things back in and it kept POSTing. Put the other stick of RAM back in and it still POSTed. But again, Windows screen reset. Eventually I took one stick of RAM out, and when it reset, I got garbage all over my POST screen. Insane - at that point I realised it was the one stick of RAM. I put the other one in and bang, I got back into Windows - halelujah! Put the bad stick in as well and it did the reset thing again. Very unhappy. So I called the place I got it from and asked for new RAM. They made me run memtest, so I did - the good stick was all good (after 9 hours of memtest testing). The bad stick I couldn't test because the BIOS wouldn't POST with it in. So they were convinced it was crap and asked me to send it back. That'll mean I'm without RAM for up to several weeks, however. Unfortunately. Still, it'll be a good chance to get off the computer!
Saturday, 18 November 2006, 22:43 +0800 GMT
My computer suddenly reset the other day, in the middle of playing Neverwinter Nights 2. I was like...what the fuck? It then went to a Windows blue screen. That was a little scary. My initial thoughts were heat, but I'd used the computer in the middle of February before with no problems. I let it reboot, expecting it to come to the Windows screen. It did, but then it rebooted again. And again, and again. I started to get a sinking feeling. It just wouldn't come back to life. Figuring it had to be hardware, I took a stick of RAM out. This time, it wouldn't even boot. With either stick of RAM, in any of the sockets, in any configuration. I started to get very worried, thinking it was something else. I disconnected everything else to try to get it to POST. Eventually got it to post with one stick of RAM. Plugged a few things back in and it kept POSTing. Put the other stick of RAM back in and it still POSTed. But again, Windows screen reset. Eventually I took one stick of RAM out, and when it reset, I got garbage all over my POST screen. Insane - at that point I realised it was the one stick of RAM. I put the other one in and bang, I got back into Windows - halelujah! Put the bad stick in as well and it did the reset thing again. Very unhappy. So I called the place I got it from and asked for new RAM. They made me run memtest, so I did - the good stick was all good (after 9 hours of memtest testing). The bad stick I couldn't test because the BIOS wouldn't POST with it in. So they were convinced it was crap and asked me to send it back. That'll mean I'm without RAM for up to several weeks, however. Unfortunately. Still, it'll be a good chance to get off the computer!
JET Application Woes
Thursday, 16 November 2006, 19:53 +0800 GMT
Finally got around to applying for the JET program the other day - very exciting! I put it off and put it off until someone asked me one day if I'd gotten around to applying yet because the deadline was soon. I realised it was in fact pretty soon - this was mid November and it was due by December 01. Scary thing about the application is that it looks simple. You need a proof of nationality (birth certificate, passport etc.), degree papers, academic results, two forms, two professional references and a short 2 page statement of purpose. Putting all that together though - it takes time!! Naturally, you need to get three copies of everything and any copies of official documents need to be signed by an appropriate person. Thankfully, I was able to move pretty fast on it all. The two forms were relatively easy and I managed to complete them over two nights. I asked to managers at work for references who I kept having to chase. Glad I didn't leave that too late. The copies of everything else was easy and thankfully someone at work was able to sign the documents for me. Finally came the statement of purpose, which was a bit of a nightmare. I always get stressed out when I'm writing things because I usually have so much to cover and struggle to write it coherently and in a logic flow. I mean, I can do it, and I always get there, it just takes a long time and I'm stressed out because I can't get it first time and I worry I'm not going to be able to do it this time. Did manage to finally get there though and post it on about 22 November. They received it ok, so I'm now waiting to see if I get offered an interview - really hope I do. If I pass through that bit I'll be set to go in August 2007 - that'd be exciting! Will wait and see, I suppose!
Thursday, 16 November 2006, 19:53 +0800 GMT
Finally got around to applying for the JET program the other day - very exciting! I put it off and put it off until someone asked me one day if I'd gotten around to applying yet because the deadline was soon. I realised it was in fact pretty soon - this was mid November and it was due by December 01. Scary thing about the application is that it looks simple. You need a proof of nationality (birth certificate, passport etc.), degree papers, academic results, two forms, two professional references and a short 2 page statement of purpose. Putting all that together though - it takes time!! Naturally, you need to get three copies of everything and any copies of official documents need to be signed by an appropriate person. Thankfully, I was able to move pretty fast on it all. The two forms were relatively easy and I managed to complete them over two nights. I asked to managers at work for references who I kept having to chase. Glad I didn't leave that too late. The copies of everything else was easy and thankfully someone at work was able to sign the documents for me. Finally came the statement of purpose, which was a bit of a nightmare. I always get stressed out when I'm writing things because I usually have so much to cover and struggle to write it coherently and in a logic flow. I mean, I can do it, and I always get there, it just takes a long time and I'm stressed out because I can't get it first time and I worry I'm not going to be able to do it this time. Did manage to finally get there though and post it on about 22 November. They received it ok, so I'm now waiting to see if I get offered an interview - really hope I do. If I pass through that bit I'll be set to go in August 2007 - that'd be exciting! Will wait and see, I suppose!
Audit Lunch
Saturday, 11 November 2006, 17:22 +0800 GMT
Was shocked yesterday when an invitation came through to me via email for an audit lunch to be held for a large client I worked on. Shocked because a) we blew the budget and took too long, and b) audit never invite us to their lunches. Very strange. Anyway, accepted and work willing will attend. Should be interesting :)
Saturday, 11 November 2006, 17:22 +0800 GMT
Was shocked yesterday when an invitation came through to me via email for an audit lunch to be held for a large client I worked on. Shocked because a) we blew the budget and took too long, and b) audit never invite us to their lunches. Very strange. Anyway, accepted and work willing will attend. Should be interesting :)
Weird Feeling
Saturday, 11 November 2006, 17:16 +0800 GMT
Had an extremely strange dream last night, about someone from work. Weird as well, as I hardly ever see them. I ran into her as she was coming out of a lift, and didn't think anything of it. Until I woke up this morning hehe. It was a very very weird dream - I remember for some reason I was going away and was saying goodbye to her. Gave her a hug, then all of a sudden ran back and kissed her on the cheek, then ran back again and all out kissing. Then all of a sudden it ended up with me going home with her (and not going away) and then me waking up next to her (!!) the next morning. No sex in the dream though, dammit. Hahaha. Still, freaked me out and put me in a very strange frame of mind all day. Everybody seemed more (some extremely so) attractive all day - thankfully only girls though. To cap things off I went down to her level to say goodbye to a colleague down there and ran into her. Normally I freak out when I see people who I've had that kind of dream about, if I see them within a few days of the dream. Didn't seem to bother me this time though - must have been the two beers I had beforehand! Kinda tried to avoid her though hehe.
Saturday, 11 November 2006, 17:16 +0800 GMT
Had an extremely strange dream last night, about someone from work. Weird as well, as I hardly ever see them. I ran into her as she was coming out of a lift, and didn't think anything of it. Until I woke up this morning hehe. It was a very very weird dream - I remember for some reason I was going away and was saying goodbye to her. Gave her a hug, then all of a sudden ran back and kissed her on the cheek, then ran back again and all out kissing. Then all of a sudden it ended up with me going home with her (and not going away) and then me waking up next to her (!!) the next morning. No sex in the dream though, dammit. Hahaha. Still, freaked me out and put me in a very strange frame of mind all day. Everybody seemed more (some extremely so) attractive all day - thankfully only girls though. To cap things off I went down to her level to say goodbye to a colleague down there and ran into her. Normally I freak out when I see people who I've had that kind of dream about, if I see them within a few days of the dream. Didn't seem to bother me this time though - must have been the two beers I had beforehand! Kinda tried to avoid her though hehe.
Maree
Saturday, 11 November 2006, 17:09 +0800 GMT
Recently met up with a colleague from work I hadn't seen for quite a while. Well, perhaps saying that I'd been avoiding her might be more accurate. Not exactly hard - thankfully we work on different floors. I've always liked her, but given that I'm now more confident than I've ever been and still not confident enough to do anything about it, you can imagine how I used to be! A while back I asked another colleague if he thought I had a chance. He said he didn't think so, for a variety of reasons. At that point I kinda gave up thinking about her and didn't do anything active towards seeing her more often etc. Unfortunately, a few events we both attended meant I somehow ended up talking to her quite a bit for a few weeks. Ended up with the same feelings again. Spoke to my other colleague again who said he didn't think it was worth trying anything still. After that I pretty much started to avoid her. Which was pretty easy really.
I ended up bumping into her getting off the damn bus one morning - they all stop at a certain bus rank in the city, and I got off literally in front of her. So I had to talk to her, unless I wanted to be really rude. So I did. And again I felt those feelings from before spring right back up. Luckily, being more confident now I was pretty ok overall, and managed to have a decent conversation :) Was a bit uncomfortable for a while...for some reason she was walking pretty close to me and bumped into me a few times. Was a bit weirded out by that, but maybe she just trying to hear me speaking or something (I talk quietly). Anyway, guess she's now back on my mind for a while. *sigh* I wasn't really sure what to do when she got out of the lift on her floor...I'm so allergic to asking anyone to lunch etc. for fear they'll take it the wrong way or feel they have to say yes when they don't want to. So I let her go without saying anything. Oh well. It all ties back to the attraction thing I guess, and the fact that it seems if you don't let a girl know from the start you like her, you won't have a chance with her later. Hehe...ah well. I wish I could rely on that and know she'll never like me back...that way I could get over her easier :)
Saturday, 11 November 2006, 17:09 +0800 GMT
Recently met up with a colleague from work I hadn't seen for quite a while. Well, perhaps saying that I'd been avoiding her might be more accurate. Not exactly hard - thankfully we work on different floors. I've always liked her, but given that I'm now more confident than I've ever been and still not confident enough to do anything about it, you can imagine how I used to be! A while back I asked another colleague if he thought I had a chance. He said he didn't think so, for a variety of reasons. At that point I kinda gave up thinking about her and didn't do anything active towards seeing her more often etc. Unfortunately, a few events we both attended meant I somehow ended up talking to her quite a bit for a few weeks. Ended up with the same feelings again. Spoke to my other colleague again who said he didn't think it was worth trying anything still. After that I pretty much started to avoid her. Which was pretty easy really.
I ended up bumping into her getting off the damn bus one morning - they all stop at a certain bus rank in the city, and I got off literally in front of her. So I had to talk to her, unless I wanted to be really rude. So I did. And again I felt those feelings from before spring right back up. Luckily, being more confident now I was pretty ok overall, and managed to have a decent conversation :) Was a bit uncomfortable for a while...for some reason she was walking pretty close to me and bumped into me a few times. Was a bit weirded out by that, but maybe she just trying to hear me speaking or something (I talk quietly). Anyway, guess she's now back on my mind for a while. *sigh* I wasn't really sure what to do when she got out of the lift on her floor...I'm so allergic to asking anyone to lunch etc. for fear they'll take it the wrong way or feel they have to say yes when they don't want to. So I let her go without saying anything. Oh well. It all ties back to the attraction thing I guess, and the fact that it seems if you don't let a girl know from the start you like her, you won't have a chance with her later. Hehe...ah well. I wish I could rely on that and know she'll never like me back...that way I could get over her easier :)
Ancient 'Work' Entry
Thursday, 09 November 2006, 22:55 +0800 GMT
I meant to write this entry a long time ago but forgot, or rather, wasn't motivated to. So I've kind of forgotten a lot of what I was supposed to write about. But I'll try anyway, as usual hehe. It's all about work again, as a warning before I start :) The large project I started 5 months ago was just over 60% done when I meant to write this entry. Life was pretty cushy, this project had partner backing and so nobody tried to double book me. If they did, they'd get owned. So my life at work became pretty simple. Although I did do 8:30 to 7pm for a week weeks, I gradually began to scale back. My work life balance became a little better, thanks in part to the fact a lot of people in my division seem to think I have some sort of informal 'contract' that I should be leaving at 5pm. Not sure why - it used to be that way but I thought it was to end 3 months or so after it started...although perhaps it was meant to continue, silently. Anyway, people are more careful booking me these days
In fact, after a few weeks of 8:30 to 5 and some annual leave I was actually happy to stay back and work late one Thursday night. I find the benefit is that if others are in the office they're happier to talk crap with you for a while than they are during office hours. On this 'communication' note, I feel my relationship with the senior manager I work with a lot has improved even more recently. It really seems to have blossomed out, although I'm not counting my chickens before they hatch! Although we still don't seem to be able to communicate on exactly the same wavelength (we haven't worked out each other's styles yet, or how to match to the other person's) we get on pretty well. I'd like to spend some time hanging out with him after work, like I do with one of the other managers (my 'Uncle'). Not sure how he'd respond to it, but worth a shot. He's one of the few people at work who stretches us and doesn't guide as much, trying to bring us to potential by allowing us to learn and grow ourselves, providing help only when needed. It works quite well with me, but I'd still prefer more initial input from him to reduce the amount of extra work I have to go do after he's reviewed and identified sections he wanted me to cover but that I didn't (and probably didn't ever have much of a chance of knowing he wanted covered).
Finally, my role has started to change, based on what I said above. As an 'Advisor 1' I'm now in training to become a senior. Although at the time I wanted to write this entry I was training as an Advisor 1. I think I'm on the way to being an A1, but a senior? I don't know...not yet, I don't think, although I'm getting there. There's talk of me experiencing more service lines including business continuity planning. It'd give me the chance to work with Uncle, but at the same time I don't really want to go into that service line. Some experience would be useful though, for sure, but I'd fear getting pulled off to work on BCP/DRP engagements too much, and it's not what I want to do.
I have finally been able to angle myself into what I want to do, which is security and data analytics. I've been really scaled down on the IT Process work, much to my delight, as it's my most hated work. I only have one to do this busy season, which is awesome. Unreal, really, given most other people in the office will have at least 10 to 15, and as A1s/S2s they will be *running* the jobs. I'll only have the one, woohoo! Not sure what else I'll be doing, but I suppose the division is now large enough for me to specialise. So I'll be doing techie work with senior manager and data analytics with him as well, DA manager and partner (who has many hidden skills, including blue-screen ACL data analysis!).
So looking around now, I'm pretty damn happy about where things are going. So few IT Processes makes me a very happy person, and data analytics is where my heart really lies, with some security throw in to keep me on top of the vulnerability landscape and OS security controls etc. I've also got a few internal audit jobs scheduled that I'm not looking forward to as much, but they're work I've done before and did enjoy quite a bit, and on a client I've worked quite extensively with. Should be good. The partner seems quite happy to have me around - he may have ulterior motives but I don't think he was lying when he said he had big plans for me in the division. Which I'm thankful for, as I really don't think my IT Process skills are anything to write home about hehe. Glad he finally made the move to allow service line specialisation. Still, at least I've picked up 2 years of IT Process based skills on a wide range of small to large clients.
Thursday, 09 November 2006, 22:55 +0800 GMT
I meant to write this entry a long time ago but forgot, or rather, wasn't motivated to. So I've kind of forgotten a lot of what I was supposed to write about. But I'll try anyway, as usual hehe. It's all about work again, as a warning before I start :) The large project I started 5 months ago was just over 60% done when I meant to write this entry. Life was pretty cushy, this project had partner backing and so nobody tried to double book me. If they did, they'd get owned. So my life at work became pretty simple. Although I did do 8:30 to 7pm for a week weeks, I gradually began to scale back. My work life balance became a little better, thanks in part to the fact a lot of people in my division seem to think I have some sort of informal 'contract' that I should be leaving at 5pm. Not sure why - it used to be that way but I thought it was to end 3 months or so after it started...although perhaps it was meant to continue, silently. Anyway, people are more careful booking me these days
In fact, after a few weeks of 8:30 to 5 and some annual leave I was actually happy to stay back and work late one Thursday night. I find the benefit is that if others are in the office they're happier to talk crap with you for a while than they are during office hours. On this 'communication' note, I feel my relationship with the senior manager I work with a lot has improved even more recently. It really seems to have blossomed out, although I'm not counting my chickens before they hatch! Although we still don't seem to be able to communicate on exactly the same wavelength (we haven't worked out each other's styles yet, or how to match to the other person's) we get on pretty well. I'd like to spend some time hanging out with him after work, like I do with one of the other managers (my 'Uncle'). Not sure how he'd respond to it, but worth a shot. He's one of the few people at work who stretches us and doesn't guide as much, trying to bring us to potential by allowing us to learn and grow ourselves, providing help only when needed. It works quite well with me, but I'd still prefer more initial input from him to reduce the amount of extra work I have to go do after he's reviewed and identified sections he wanted me to cover but that I didn't (and probably didn't ever have much of a chance of knowing he wanted covered).
Finally, my role has started to change, based on what I said above. As an 'Advisor 1' I'm now in training to become a senior. Although at the time I wanted to write this entry I was training as an Advisor 1. I think I'm on the way to being an A1, but a senior? I don't know...not yet, I don't think, although I'm getting there. There's talk of me experiencing more service lines including business continuity planning. It'd give me the chance to work with Uncle, but at the same time I don't really want to go into that service line. Some experience would be useful though, for sure, but I'd fear getting pulled off to work on BCP/DRP engagements too much, and it's not what I want to do.
I have finally been able to angle myself into what I want to do, which is security and data analytics. I've been really scaled down on the IT Process work, much to my delight, as it's my most hated work. I only have one to do this busy season, which is awesome. Unreal, really, given most other people in the office will have at least 10 to 15, and as A1s/S2s they will be *running* the jobs. I'll only have the one, woohoo! Not sure what else I'll be doing, but I suppose the division is now large enough for me to specialise. So I'll be doing techie work with senior manager and data analytics with him as well, DA manager and partner (who has many hidden skills, including blue-screen ACL data analysis!).
So looking around now, I'm pretty damn happy about where things are going. So few IT Processes makes me a very happy person, and data analytics is where my heart really lies, with some security throw in to keep me on top of the vulnerability landscape and OS security controls etc. I've also got a few internal audit jobs scheduled that I'm not looking forward to as much, but they're work I've done before and did enjoy quite a bit, and on a client I've worked quite extensively with. Should be good. The partner seems quite happy to have me around - he may have ulterior motives but I don't think he was lying when he said he had big plans for me in the division. Which I'm thankful for, as I really don't think my IT Process skills are anything to write home about hehe. Glad he finally made the move to allow service line specialisation. Still, at least I've picked up 2 years of IT Process based skills on a wide range of small to large clients.
Uni Friends
Thursday, 09 November 2006, 22:30 +0800 GMT
It's been a while since I've seen the friends I made during uni. We used to catch up a hell of a lot - every Saturday even, although that was a long time ago. Still, until early this year we did dinner in the city most Friday nights, and met up sometimes on Saturday. I used to catch up with a few of the people from the group on their own, kinda like sub groups. That was great too - a dinner here and there, a regular dinner on Sunday and so on. But all that faded recently. We stopped doing that even, and most of them don't come to badminton on Sundays any more. So there are some friends I haven't seen for months and months, really. I guess I am pretty upset about it. It didn't even weigh on my mind for a long time. I'm not entirely sure why. It's definitely not that I don't like those people any more - I still like them very much. For the life of me I cannot work out why I haven't wanted to hang out with them. Why I haven't called them up to catch up, why I tend to avoid seeing them. Well, that's not quite true - they never called me either, so I guess I just fell into the assumption they didn't want to see me. I didn't want to bother them if they didn't want to see me (my typical non confident non assertive approach). The fact that my phone is never on probably has an impact here though, come to think of it. And I suppose the other reason I can think of is how many games I've been playing recently and the impact of those on my life, taking away the excitement.
I was planning on avoiding them again this weekend for a games night my housemates are holding, but I think I'll try to join in. I'm definitely not going to be playing games on my computer, that's for sure. I'm really hoping that with the games out of the way or at least reduced, I can come back into the real world. Hopefully, my friends will still be there waiting for me. I guess from their perspective I've been pretty tough on them, very much a dickhead. I've heard they think I'm snobbing them. Despite being so ambivolent recently that still got through to me and I felt kinda hurt and a strong feeling that that is very much not the case - now it's just a matter of going out to prove it, I think.
Thursday, 09 November 2006, 22:30 +0800 GMT
It's been a while since I've seen the friends I made during uni. We used to catch up a hell of a lot - every Saturday even, although that was a long time ago. Still, until early this year we did dinner in the city most Friday nights, and met up sometimes on Saturday. I used to catch up with a few of the people from the group on their own, kinda like sub groups. That was great too - a dinner here and there, a regular dinner on Sunday and so on. But all that faded recently. We stopped doing that even, and most of them don't come to badminton on Sundays any more. So there are some friends I haven't seen for months and months, really. I guess I am pretty upset about it. It didn't even weigh on my mind for a long time. I'm not entirely sure why. It's definitely not that I don't like those people any more - I still like them very much. For the life of me I cannot work out why I haven't wanted to hang out with them. Why I haven't called them up to catch up, why I tend to avoid seeing them. Well, that's not quite true - they never called me either, so I guess I just fell into the assumption they didn't want to see me. I didn't want to bother them if they didn't want to see me (my typical non confident non assertive approach). The fact that my phone is never on probably has an impact here though, come to think of it. And I suppose the other reason I can think of is how many games I've been playing recently and the impact of those on my life, taking away the excitement.
I was planning on avoiding them again this weekend for a games night my housemates are holding, but I think I'll try to join in. I'm definitely not going to be playing games on my computer, that's for sure. I'm really hoping that with the games out of the way or at least reduced, I can come back into the real world. Hopefully, my friends will still be there waiting for me. I guess from their perspective I've been pretty tough on them, very much a dickhead. I've heard they think I'm snobbing them. Despite being so ambivolent recently that still got through to me and I felt kinda hurt and a strong feeling that that is very much not the case - now it's just a matter of going out to prove it, I think.
Training
Thursday, 09 November 2006, 22:10 +0800 GMT
Doing training at the moment at work. Today was just painful. The presenters are pretty good - usually we have funny presenters who really help things move along nicely. One of them is not too bad, the other isn't very funny at all. Both good presenters though, which is still important hehe. The morning session was purely on auditing skills, which wasn't very relevant to my division, being technical. Still, interesting learning opportunities and I don't really mind learning about what audit does. The afternoon session focused on the technical work we do in my division though - first technical training we've ever received!!! Almost COMPLETELY pointless though. Why? Well - hello?!?! I now have 2 years on the job training in the areas that were being covered. So all of us in the technical division knew at least 95% of the material covered. The 5% extra was good learning but not worth the cost of the boredom and pointlessness of sitting through the other 95% we already knew. Plus the audit team more than likely don't give a shit about our work. They will never have to do it, so I don't see the point of them having to sit through it either. Some of it was relevant to them, but as an example of how silly it was, we spent almost 20 minutes discussing hardware - which WE barely cover at all in our standard work. So that bit was completely pointless. Still, at least now they know what it's like for us to have to sit through their audit training - they only had to put up with 3 hours, we have to put up with 4+ weeks. 2 more days of purgatory then I'll be free again until early next year. With any luck I'll be away for that training. And if they try to cancel my leave they can shove it up their ass, I'll quit before cancelling my trip!
Thursday, 09 November 2006, 22:10 +0800 GMT
Doing training at the moment at work. Today was just painful. The presenters are pretty good - usually we have funny presenters who really help things move along nicely. One of them is not too bad, the other isn't very funny at all. Both good presenters though, which is still important hehe. The morning session was purely on auditing skills, which wasn't very relevant to my division, being technical. Still, interesting learning opportunities and I don't really mind learning about what audit does. The afternoon session focused on the technical work we do in my division though - first technical training we've ever received!!! Almost COMPLETELY pointless though. Why? Well - hello?!?! I now have 2 years on the job training in the areas that were being covered. So all of us in the technical division knew at least 95% of the material covered. The 5% extra was good learning but not worth the cost of the boredom and pointlessness of sitting through the other 95% we already knew. Plus the audit team more than likely don't give a shit about our work. They will never have to do it, so I don't see the point of them having to sit through it either. Some of it was relevant to them, but as an example of how silly it was, we spent almost 20 minutes discussing hardware - which WE barely cover at all in our standard work. So that bit was completely pointless. Still, at least now they know what it's like for us to have to sit through their audit training - they only had to put up with 3 hours, we have to put up with 4+ weeks. 2 more days of purgatory then I'll be free again until early next year. With any luck I'll be away for that training. And if they try to cancel my leave they can shove it up their ass, I'll quit before cancelling my trip!
Too Much Help
Sunday, 05 November 2006, 22:45 +0800 GMT
I've always looked down strongly on people who ask for help without trying properly first. The kind of people I hear about from some of my friends, who'll tell me that they're doing one of their friend's assignments. My first reaction is 'what the fuck?'. I mean ... why the hell would you just do their assignment for them. I've seen it so many times. Usually person A just acts so pathetic that person B, the person A is asking for help, will just do it for them out of pity. I figure person A is either lazy and hasn't even tried to do the assignment and are just ripping person B off by getting them to do the assignment for them, or person A is just plain shit at whatever they're trying to do. Either way, I don't think there's any way person B should do the assignment for person A. They should do it themselves or not at all. I don't mind helping someone a little bit, giving them pointers etc and then getting them to learn from them or find the answers themselves using the guidance. That way they *learn*. You're not being a very good friend/acquaintance/whatever to someone if you just do something for them - they won't learn in the long run.
Sunday, 05 November 2006, 22:45 +0800 GMT
I've always looked down strongly on people who ask for help without trying properly first. The kind of people I hear about from some of my friends, who'll tell me that they're doing one of their friend's assignments. My first reaction is 'what the fuck?'. I mean ... why the hell would you just do their assignment for them. I've seen it so many times. Usually person A just acts so pathetic that person B, the person A is asking for help, will just do it for them out of pity. I figure person A is either lazy and hasn't even tried to do the assignment and are just ripping person B off by getting them to do the assignment for them, or person A is just plain shit at whatever they're trying to do. Either way, I don't think there's any way person B should do the assignment for person A. They should do it themselves or not at all. I don't mind helping someone a little bit, giving them pointers etc and then getting them to learn from them or find the answers themselves using the guidance. That way they *learn*. You're not being a very good friend/acquaintance/whatever to someone if you just do something for them - they won't learn in the long run.
EAP
Sunday, 05 November 2006, 22:31 +0800 GMT
Decided it was finally time to go see someone about how shit I've been feeling recently. So I booked an appointment with a counsellor as part of the Employee Assistance Program we have at work. It was really great, helped me quite a bit I think. The main thing that came out of it was that I play too many games. Like most times I need help, I usually have the answer myself through thinking about things long and hard enough. What I need to get help for is to be told by another that my answer is the way to go (or if it's not, to be told what to do instead). So I've decided to cut down on the games.
The problem with games is that they're pervasive. Last weekend I played a game ALL weekend. And every time I wasn't playing it I was thinking about playing it and wanting to get back to it. It's not healthy, and it's ruining my life. Games are extremely stressful, taxing (concentration wise) and raise my adrenalin a lot. It's a rush and I love the imagination required and the virtual worlds involved, but I use it as an escape from reality. Once I've played games, I lose interest in real life. Going outside, I don't find anything interesting. I used to find wildlife and flora interesting...not any more. So I decided it had to change, and I'm now trying to sort things out. By playing less games! It's going to be hard having just got Dark Crusade and about to get NeverWinter Nights 2. But I need to do it I think, so I'm going to try my very hardest.
Sunday, 05 November 2006, 22:31 +0800 GMT
Decided it was finally time to go see someone about how shit I've been feeling recently. So I booked an appointment with a counsellor as part of the Employee Assistance Program we have at work. It was really great, helped me quite a bit I think. The main thing that came out of it was that I play too many games. Like most times I need help, I usually have the answer myself through thinking about things long and hard enough. What I need to get help for is to be told by another that my answer is the way to go (or if it's not, to be told what to do instead). So I've decided to cut down on the games.
The problem with games is that they're pervasive. Last weekend I played a game ALL weekend. And every time I wasn't playing it I was thinking about playing it and wanting to get back to it. It's not healthy, and it's ruining my life. Games are extremely stressful, taxing (concentration wise) and raise my adrenalin a lot. It's a rush and I love the imagination required and the virtual worlds involved, but I use it as an escape from reality. Once I've played games, I lose interest in real life. Going outside, I don't find anything interesting. I used to find wildlife and flora interesting...not any more. So I decided it had to change, and I'm now trying to sort things out. By playing less games! It's going to be hard having just got Dark Crusade and about to get NeverWinter Nights 2. But I need to do it I think, so I'm going to try my very hardest.
Good Looking
Sunday, 05 November 2006, 22:28 +0800 GMT
Got a bit of a shock the other night when one of my friends told me that she thought I'd become quite good looking recently. A good shock, I suppose hehe. Same girl I cooked dinner for the other night. Apparently I've become more confident and it's a good thing. She reckons if I get some more confidence, I'll find a girlfriend in no time hehehe. Don't know about that but I'm glad that people think I'm becoming more confident - confidence breeds confidence. And hey, I'm glad someone finds me good looking :) Go me, for once hehe.
Sunday, 05 November 2006, 22:28 +0800 GMT
Got a bit of a shock the other night when one of my friends told me that she thought I'd become quite good looking recently. A good shock, I suppose hehe. Same girl I cooked dinner for the other night. Apparently I've become more confident and it's a good thing. She reckons if I get some more confidence, I'll find a girlfriend in no time hehehe. Don't know about that but I'm glad that people think I'm becoming more confident - confidence breeds confidence. And hey, I'm glad someone finds me good looking :) Go me, for once hehe.
Tax Time!
Sunday, 05 November 2006, 22:09 +0800 GMT
I did my tax return several days ago, but forgot to return the bloody thing via mail. I found it about a week before it was due and decided to check it before I sent it. Good thing I did - turns out the form I was using couldn't be used for a certain deduction I was claiming. As it was now 2 days before submission deadline, I decided to try out 'eTax', the online application for completing tax returns. It installed nicely, was easy to use and was a pretty neat package over all. Until I tried to submit the tax return. At which point the software went fucking nuts and complained that it couldn't establish a common algorithm between the software and the server the tax return was being sent to. What the hell? I have never had any other problems with SSL. *screams with frustration*. Followed all the guides, installed a new version of .NET, went nuts and did as many things as I could to fix it. In the end, I just gave up and did it from my housemate's computer. Ironically I'm running Windows Professional x64, while he's running Professional (x86). I wonder if that was the only reason. I wouldn't be surprised, fucking x64. So much doesn't support it. Anyway, just glad I got my return in before deadline hehe. Turns out I need to pay $7.30 in tax haha. What a waste of time - may as well just phone them up and ask them to waive it hahaha.
Sunday, 05 November 2006, 22:09 +0800 GMT
I did my tax return several days ago, but forgot to return the bloody thing via mail. I found it about a week before it was due and decided to check it before I sent it. Good thing I did - turns out the form I was using couldn't be used for a certain deduction I was claiming. As it was now 2 days before submission deadline, I decided to try out 'eTax', the online application for completing tax returns. It installed nicely, was easy to use and was a pretty neat package over all. Until I tried to submit the tax return. At which point the software went fucking nuts and complained that it couldn't establish a common algorithm between the software and the server the tax return was being sent to. What the hell? I have never had any other problems with SSL. *screams with frustration*. Followed all the guides, installed a new version of .NET, went nuts and did as many things as I could to fix it. In the end, I just gave up and did it from my housemate's computer. Ironically I'm running Windows Professional x64, while he's running Professional (x86). I wonder if that was the only reason. I wouldn't be surprised, fucking x64. So much doesn't support it. Anyway, just glad I got my return in before deadline hehe. Turns out I need to pay $7.30 in tax haha. What a waste of time - may as well just phone them up and ask them to waive it hahaha.
Cooking
Sunday, 29 October 2006, 22:09 +0800 GMT
Promised a friend I'd go cook for her recently, can't remember why. Probably just wanted to see her in person for once, since I only ever speak to her on the net really. It was good fun. I had no idea what to cook, but really wanted to cook with Saki. So I ended up making up a weird concotion that didn't taste *too* bad. Bought some fillet steak that I scored and 'stuffed' with a mix of garlic, soy sauce and oyster sauce. Cooked it in a pan over medium heat and poured about half a bottle of saki into it hehe. Once that reduced I added more soy and oyster sauce and cooked it. Some of the meat got overcooked and some not cooked enough, bloody stuff haha. I'm still pretty n00b I guess. Eventually added veges, more saki and soy/oyster sauce, some more garlic and a few other secret ingredients I can't remember. Oh, and some bamboo shoots and water chestnuts. Heated up some Singapore noodles, whacked the veges on top, sliced up the meat (some of which was a little tough because it was overcooked [oops, there goes $17 of meat] and some of which was possibly undercooked, oops, damn pan). Chucked some crushed peanuts on top and it was done :) My friend said it was nice, but it wasn't as good as I'd hoped. The saki didn't flavour it as nicely as I thought it might have. Perhaps I used too much - the aftertaste was a little bitter. Anyway, have learnt a bit more about cooking and it was edible at least, so me++ :D
Sunday, 29 October 2006, 22:09 +0800 GMT
Promised a friend I'd go cook for her recently, can't remember why. Probably just wanted to see her in person for once, since I only ever speak to her on the net really. It was good fun. I had no idea what to cook, but really wanted to cook with Saki. So I ended up making up a weird concotion that didn't taste *too* bad. Bought some fillet steak that I scored and 'stuffed' with a mix of garlic, soy sauce and oyster sauce. Cooked it in a pan over medium heat and poured about half a bottle of saki into it hehe. Once that reduced I added more soy and oyster sauce and cooked it. Some of the meat got overcooked and some not cooked enough, bloody stuff haha. I'm still pretty n00b I guess. Eventually added veges, more saki and soy/oyster sauce, some more garlic and a few other secret ingredients I can't remember. Oh, and some bamboo shoots and water chestnuts. Heated up some Singapore noodles, whacked the veges on top, sliced up the meat (some of which was a little tough because it was overcooked [oops, there goes $17 of meat] and some of which was possibly undercooked, oops, damn pan). Chucked some crushed peanuts on top and it was done :) My friend said it was nice, but it wasn't as good as I'd hoped. The saki didn't flavour it as nicely as I thought it might have. Perhaps I used too much - the aftertaste was a little bitter. Anyway, have learnt a bit more about cooking and it was edible at least, so me++ :D
Smelting!
Sunday, 22 October 2006, 23:25 +0800 GMT
After 5 months of being untouchable on a very large internal audit job that kept me in the office 99% of the time, I finally found myself scheduled on another audit a few weeks ago. I was pretty unhappy, after having been in the office for so long. Especially so, as the client premises are 45 minutes from the office :( And since the job was supposed to be run by a senior and a grad, but they were subsequently re-assigned leaving just me on the job. And, it was evil IT process style work. Hahaha I complain *so* much lol. But, thankfully I was actually really pleasantly surprised with the job. It's at an industrial plant so I get to wear safety gear and so on, and got a tour of the plant. And 45 minutes of the day at least is transport time, driving down a freeway at 100km/h and listening to music :) Plus the client is nice and the work is mildly challenging and actually enjoyable. Especially since sitting out at the client with my mobile phone off, I can get a *lot* of work done. Not like the office, which is full of distractions.
So that's been good. I've learnt quite a bit this engagement and it's been a nice break from the office.
Sunday, 22 October 2006, 23:25 +0800 GMT
After 5 months of being untouchable on a very large internal audit job that kept me in the office 99% of the time, I finally found myself scheduled on another audit a few weeks ago. I was pretty unhappy, after having been in the office for so long. Especially so, as the client premises are 45 minutes from the office :( And since the job was supposed to be run by a senior and a grad, but they were subsequently re-assigned leaving just me on the job. And, it was evil IT process style work. Hahaha I complain *so* much lol. But, thankfully I was actually really pleasantly surprised with the job. It's at an industrial plant so I get to wear safety gear and so on, and got a tour of the plant. And 45 minutes of the day at least is transport time, driving down a freeway at 100km/h and listening to music :) Plus the client is nice and the work is mildly challenging and actually enjoyable. Especially since sitting out at the client with my mobile phone off, I can get a *lot* of work done. Not like the office, which is full of distractions.
So that's been good. I've learnt quite a bit this engagement and it's been a nice break from the office.
Commercial Disgust
Sunday, 22 October 2006, 23:17 +0800 GMT
My disgust in commercialism has started to hit me stronger recently. I suppose it's the fact it wasn't even November and Christmas decorations were up all over the city. Fucking terrible, seriously. I'm not religious at all but even I know the proper meaning of Christmas - and it's not about just giving gifts, having a few days off work and eating yourself stupid. We've bastardised the day, at least from the point of view of religion. I don't really care about the religion, I just don't like the fact the day is now so commercialised when it wasn't before.
Another thing that I've come to dislike are 'adult' toys. That kind of industry just makes me cringe, selling sex. I don't particularly care what people get up to in their sexual hijinks, I just kinda have a thing about cashing in on sex is all. Don't ask me why. Commercialism and capitalism just get me down sometimes.
Sunday, 22 October 2006, 23:17 +0800 GMT
My disgust in commercialism has started to hit me stronger recently. I suppose it's the fact it wasn't even November and Christmas decorations were up all over the city. Fucking terrible, seriously. I'm not religious at all but even I know the proper meaning of Christmas - and it's not about just giving gifts, having a few days off work and eating yourself stupid. We've bastardised the day, at least from the point of view of religion. I don't really care about the religion, I just don't like the fact the day is now so commercialised when it wasn't before.
Another thing that I've come to dislike are 'adult' toys. That kind of industry just makes me cringe, selling sex. I don't particularly care what people get up to in their sexual hijinks, I just kinda have a thing about cashing in on sex is all. Don't ask me why. Commercialism and capitalism just get me down sometimes.
Problem Approach
Sunday, 22 October 2006, 23:10 +0800 GMT
My communication style is pretty bad, I use a lot of filling words and generally can't get to the point quickly. I often use terms like 'thingy' and 'something' 'at some point' and so on. A communication stuff up with a friend a few days ago made me think there has to be a better way for me to say things, that'll help at work as well. I think it's similar to life in general actually. There has to be a good way to talk to people in a sensible, intelligent structure that just plain makes sense. Conveys the meaning correctly. Kinda like having a general methodology to do anything, to solve a problem. Just trying to solve a problem ad hoc doesn't work too well, it's why we have software engineering processes and so on. So we don't just stumble around trying to find a solution - we use a well defined method of working the problem out. I must try to work on this :)
Sunday, 22 October 2006, 23:10 +0800 GMT
My communication style is pretty bad, I use a lot of filling words and generally can't get to the point quickly. I often use terms like 'thingy' and 'something' 'at some point' and so on. A communication stuff up with a friend a few days ago made me think there has to be a better way for me to say things, that'll help at work as well. I think it's similar to life in general actually. There has to be a good way to talk to people in a sensible, intelligent structure that just plain makes sense. Conveys the meaning correctly. Kinda like having a general methodology to do anything, to solve a problem. Just trying to solve a problem ad hoc doesn't work too well, it's why we have software engineering processes and so on. So we don't just stumble around trying to find a solution - we use a well defined method of working the problem out. I must try to work on this :)
Old Friend
Sunday, 22 October 2006, 23:03 +0800 GMT
I found the contact details of someone I'd worked with at uni in my email sent mail box late last year. I sent her an email and she responded, saying she'd like to catch up. I never did getting around to calling her, due to a lack of motivation. Mostly due to the large project that ruined my life back then, but also due to me just not feeling I was 'ready' to meet her. There was nothing between us but I just felt like I wasn't a very good person to talk to back then. Down in the dumps and so on. Now that I'm a little better, I'm thinking about calling her up after all. Still, a little worried. I told her I might (thankfully) give her a call way back in January this year some time. Guess I missed the boat on that one hehe. I wonder how she'll react now, to be honest. If she won't want to speak to me because it took me nearly a year to get back to her. I think if she did it to me I'd be annoyed but would also be quite happy. So might give it a shot =)
Sunday, 22 October 2006, 23:03 +0800 GMT
I found the contact details of someone I'd worked with at uni in my email sent mail box late last year. I sent her an email and she responded, saying she'd like to catch up. I never did getting around to calling her, due to a lack of motivation. Mostly due to the large project that ruined my life back then, but also due to me just not feeling I was 'ready' to meet her. There was nothing between us but I just felt like I wasn't a very good person to talk to back then. Down in the dumps and so on. Now that I'm a little better, I'm thinking about calling her up after all. Still, a little worried. I told her I might (thankfully) give her a call way back in January this year some time. Guess I missed the boat on that one hehe. I wonder how she'll react now, to be honest. If she won't want to speak to me because it took me nearly a year to get back to her. I think if she did it to me I'd be annoyed but would also be quite happy. So might give it a shot =)
Balls & Cocks on the Street
Sunday, 22 October 2006, 22:55 +0800 GMT
Stunned a friend the other day with some offhand remarks, the kind of remarks I'm becoming much more comfortable making in wider society. Which I probably should be more careful with hehe. She asked me to play netball with her on the weekend, to which I replied no thanks, I was allergic to balls. I also informed her however, that I would be playing badminton on the weekend, despite the fact it'd mean I was playing with cocks (shuttlecocks hehe) instead. She was taken aback (in a good way :D) and said I was making her re-evaluate the way she looked at me hehehe. I could tell she thought it was pretty funny though, she's that kind of person. It did make me think though. I'm becoming comfortable coming out of my dodgy shell (apparently I am considered extremely innocent and angelic by most people who meet me and don't know me). I'm pretty big on just being who you are, sometimes to the detriment of maintaining a public face or doing what's 'expected'. I suppose I should be more careful - someone on the street could have been offended by my offhand balls and cock joke.
Sunday, 22 October 2006, 22:55 +0800 GMT
Stunned a friend the other day with some offhand remarks, the kind of remarks I'm becoming much more comfortable making in wider society. Which I probably should be more careful with hehe. She asked me to play netball with her on the weekend, to which I replied no thanks, I was allergic to balls. I also informed her however, that I would be playing badminton on the weekend, despite the fact it'd mean I was playing with cocks (shuttlecocks hehe) instead. She was taken aback (in a good way :D) and said I was making her re-evaluate the way she looked at me hehehe. I could tell she thought it was pretty funny though, she's that kind of person. It did make me think though. I'm becoming comfortable coming out of my dodgy shell (apparently I am considered extremely innocent and angelic by most people who meet me and don't know me). I'm pretty big on just being who you are, sometimes to the detriment of maintaining a public face or doing what's 'expected'. I suppose I should be more careful - someone on the street could have been offended by my offhand balls and cock joke.
Rats Leaving a Sinking Ship
Sunday, 22 October 2006, 22:40 +0800 GMT
Spoke to a colleague at work the other day about the seeming mass exodus of people from our 'sister' division within the greater department. Since I joined in February 2005, 15 people have quit. From a team of about 25, that's a *lot* of people. Interestingly, 12 of those were in the past 12 months, and of those, 6 were manager or above. So this isn't just a problem with the gimps down the bottom. I really noticed it at the end of last year, when about 6 people quit in quick succession. This was followed by a further person-per-month. It culminated with a partner leaving a short while ago, who was quickly followed by three senior managers/partners. As you might imagine, for a team of 25 people with one partner, this decimated the upper management of that division. Thankfully they were disgustingly over-populated with senior managers (some which didn't appear to contribute much at all to the division - sorry, I had to say it) so the hit was probably almost a good thing.
The last person to leave was a principal, in my opinion a very skilled auditor (although perhaps not the best upper management figure :D). He left to go join the ex-partner. It was at this point that I snapped and emailed my colleague, asking what the hell was going on. 12 people in 12 months is just too many in my book. He told me not to be concerned for a variety of reasons, despite what it looked like. And I have to say I trust what he said. There are insights into the division that us gimps just don't get to have - well, we probably don't need to have them. Still, it was an interesting discussion. Felt quite motivated after the discussion, as my colleague shared 'privileged' information with me, that I wouldn't have otherwise heard. Strange how things work out. Anyway, apparently that's the end of the mass exodus for now. Of course, I've recently heard from one of my colleagues in external audit that a lot of my level over there are *very* unhappy, and I know one has just quit. So might be their turn for an exodus. Mind you, they're more traditionally 'exodus-ey', with 50% average turn over per year. Very demotivating. I just hate the way the firm plays you and you play the firm. I don't think it's a beneficial relationship. Still, that's just me.
Sunday, 22 October 2006, 22:40 +0800 GMT
Spoke to a colleague at work the other day about the seeming mass exodus of people from our 'sister' division within the greater department. Since I joined in February 2005, 15 people have quit. From a team of about 25, that's a *lot* of people. Interestingly, 12 of those were in the past 12 months, and of those, 6 were manager or above. So this isn't just a problem with the gimps down the bottom. I really noticed it at the end of last year, when about 6 people quit in quick succession. This was followed by a further person-per-month. It culminated with a partner leaving a short while ago, who was quickly followed by three senior managers/partners. As you might imagine, for a team of 25 people with one partner, this decimated the upper management of that division. Thankfully they were disgustingly over-populated with senior managers (some which didn't appear to contribute much at all to the division - sorry, I had to say it) so the hit was probably almost a good thing.
The last person to leave was a principal, in my opinion a very skilled auditor (although perhaps not the best upper management figure :D). He left to go join the ex-partner. It was at this point that I snapped and emailed my colleague, asking what the hell was going on. 12 people in 12 months is just too many in my book. He told me not to be concerned for a variety of reasons, despite what it looked like. And I have to say I trust what he said. There are insights into the division that us gimps just don't get to have - well, we probably don't need to have them. Still, it was an interesting discussion. Felt quite motivated after the discussion, as my colleague shared 'privileged' information with me, that I wouldn't have otherwise heard. Strange how things work out. Anyway, apparently that's the end of the mass exodus for now. Of course, I've recently heard from one of my colleagues in external audit that a lot of my level over there are *very* unhappy, and I know one has just quit. So might be their turn for an exodus. Mind you, they're more traditionally 'exodus-ey', with 50% average turn over per year. Very demotivating. I just hate the way the firm plays you and you play the firm. I don't think it's a beneficial relationship. Still, that's just me.
Hurt
Sunday, 22 October 2006, 22:35 +0800 GMT
I said some stupid things the other day to a friend, immature things that made them upset. I really regretted it. As a kid and even as a teenager I used to often say things without thinking, and got busted for it. Guess that's part of the reason I became so quiet. Think I'm opening up again but need to be careful. Statements like the ones I was making were just silly, although at the time I felt justified. Thought about it for a while afterwards and realised how dumb I'd been, and apologised. Just felt bad for being such an idiot, and thinking I was justified in making the statements. So trying to be more careful now.
Sunday, 22 October 2006, 22:35 +0800 GMT
I said some stupid things the other day to a friend, immature things that made them upset. I really regretted it. As a kid and even as a teenager I used to often say things without thinking, and got busted for it. Guess that's part of the reason I became so quiet. Think I'm opening up again but need to be careful. Statements like the ones I was making were just silly, although at the time I felt justified. Thought about it for a while afterwards and realised how dumb I'd been, and apologised. Just felt bad for being such an idiot, and thinking I was justified in making the statements. So trying to be more careful now.
Pansiness Overboard
Sunday, 22 October 2006, 22:17 +0800 GMT
Problem with being a pansy is that you shy away from arguments and conflict, even when it's healthy. And when you try to participate, you don't know the rules of engagement and generally go overboard. I've done that a few times recently, trying to fit into my new (although minimal) assertiveness. Gone overboard at people who've become upset or who have flared up a lot. It's interesting, experiencing it. You feel like you're in a position of power - able to make someone angry, able to control them and their emotions. Of course, they're probably doing the same to you, so you have to be careful. And besides, making people angry or upset is not a Good Thing. So I'm gradually trying to refine my confrontation and argument skills down.
Still, it's bloody hard. One of my friends is rather headstrong and can be difficult to deal with. I get the impression he likes to be right, likes to win, even if it is (silently) always at the cost of others. I often get quite irritated when he'll disagree with many statements I make in a row, and will do it so forcefully. Always pushing me to defend what I say. Quite often this is valid - I sometimes make claims without thinking about them or having appropriate backup. Or I make general sweeping statements that I should make much more specific. So now I try to make my grounds very clear and specifically state where I heard it and how valid *I* think a statement someone else has made. Still, the forcefullness of his ideas becomes extremely annoying when I present an idea that is MY idea, an idea that he CANNOT defeat because he simply can't know. He'll just state his point of view with (what seems to be) no acceptance or regard for me own. As in 'I'm right you're wrong'. Almost as if he just has to beat me (or indeed, whoever he's talking to) at whatever is being talked about.
It's not that bad I suppose...a good environment for me to grow strong in my own conversation and persuasion skills. And besides, he's still my friend hehehe. Lots of good things about him too. Take the good with the bad and prosper hehe.
Sunday, 22 October 2006, 22:17 +0800 GMT
Problem with being a pansy is that you shy away from arguments and conflict, even when it's healthy. And when you try to participate, you don't know the rules of engagement and generally go overboard. I've done that a few times recently, trying to fit into my new (although minimal) assertiveness. Gone overboard at people who've become upset or who have flared up a lot. It's interesting, experiencing it. You feel like you're in a position of power - able to make someone angry, able to control them and their emotions. Of course, they're probably doing the same to you, so you have to be careful. And besides, making people angry or upset is not a Good Thing. So I'm gradually trying to refine my confrontation and argument skills down.
Still, it's bloody hard. One of my friends is rather headstrong and can be difficult to deal with. I get the impression he likes to be right, likes to win, even if it is (silently) always at the cost of others. I often get quite irritated when he'll disagree with many statements I make in a row, and will do it so forcefully. Always pushing me to defend what I say. Quite often this is valid - I sometimes make claims without thinking about them or having appropriate backup. Or I make general sweeping statements that I should make much more specific. So now I try to make my grounds very clear and specifically state where I heard it and how valid *I* think a statement someone else has made. Still, the forcefullness of his ideas becomes extremely annoying when I present an idea that is MY idea, an idea that he CANNOT defeat because he simply can't know. He'll just state his point of view with (what seems to be) no acceptance or regard for me own. As in 'I'm right you're wrong'. Almost as if he just has to beat me (or indeed, whoever he's talking to) at whatever is being talked about.
It's not that bad I suppose...a good environment for me to grow strong in my own conversation and persuasion skills. And besides, he's still my friend hehehe. Lots of good things about him too. Take the good with the bad and prosper hehe.
Single
Sunday, 22 October 2006, 21:56 +0800 GMT
In many ways I don't think there's much more pathetic than a single person, given certain circumstances. It's like when you see someone who's single and they can't seem to work out why, yet you can spot so many things about them that you think probably contributes to it. Whether they're 'bad' things or not. They could just be not very confident. They could be extremely arrogant. Either way, it's still cringe factor when they're trying to find someone.
(Most) humans are supposed to have someone special, I think. I feel so sorry for people like that, sometimes. I'm a lot like it too, so I know what it's like hehe. That's why I generally don't do anything or actively try to pick people up. I don't want to look so pathetic when I fail hehe. I don't know what it is about it - probably the fact people like that reek of failure or an inability to spot the things in themselves that make them so incompatible. *shrug* pretty harsh entry I suppose. I guess I just react strongly to something I don't want to become, or even worse, am trying to stop being.
Sunday, 22 October 2006, 21:56 +0800 GMT
In many ways I don't think there's much more pathetic than a single person, given certain circumstances. It's like when you see someone who's single and they can't seem to work out why, yet you can spot so many things about them that you think probably contributes to it. Whether they're 'bad' things or not. They could just be not very confident. They could be extremely arrogant. Either way, it's still cringe factor when they're trying to find someone.
(Most) humans are supposed to have someone special, I think. I feel so sorry for people like that, sometimes. I'm a lot like it too, so I know what it's like hehe. That's why I generally don't do anything or actively try to pick people up. I don't want to look so pathetic when I fail hehe. I don't know what it is about it - probably the fact people like that reek of failure or an inability to spot the things in themselves that make them so incompatible. *shrug* pretty harsh entry I suppose. I guess I just react strongly to something I don't want to become, or even worse, am trying to stop being.
Unity Day
Sunday, 22 October 2006, 21:56 +0800 GMT
Some guy at work emailed out about 'unity day' the other day, wanting people to wear a blue shirt to work to show their support. I had a blue shirt on on the day, completely out of coincidence. I just don't get things like this...what the hell do they achieve? So I wear a blue shirt, woopedy-do. It doesn't mean anything. Perhaps it's just me - I don't believe in showing my support for anything, really. What's the point? I'm no different when I go home having shown support or not - it still lives on in me. I just find it kind of pathetic to have to show your support in such an overt fashion. *shrug* maybe I'm being a bit harsh. I don't really care if others do it.
Sunday, 22 October 2006, 21:56 +0800 GMT
Some guy at work emailed out about 'unity day' the other day, wanting people to wear a blue shirt to work to show their support. I had a blue shirt on on the day, completely out of coincidence. I just don't get things like this...what the hell do they achieve? So I wear a blue shirt, woopedy-do. It doesn't mean anything. Perhaps it's just me - I don't believe in showing my support for anything, really. What's the point? I'm no different when I go home having shown support or not - it still lives on in me. I just find it kind of pathetic to have to show your support in such an overt fashion. *shrug* maybe I'm being a bit harsh. I don't really care if others do it.
50%
Sunday, 15 October 2006, 22:28 +0800 GMT
Scary thought - 50% of the population is below average intelligence, by definition. I kinda like that statement, has a nice ring to it. Of course, the thing to remember is that this essentially means nothing UNLESS you know how 'intelligent' the 'average' person is. If average is barely intelligent enough to live daily life, then we're in trouble. If it's enough for everyone to develop rocket engines, then wow :) I figure 'average' is actually quite smart. Perhaps not intelligent intelligent, but more wise intelligent. Smart enough to have a trade job and an ok life. I suppose the best thing about not being too intelligent is that you don't really think too much, about anything. Which makes things far less stressful. A lot of 'intelligent' people look down on less intelligent people. I figure I'm pretty intelligent (not very wise though :D), but I try not to look down on those less intelligent. Why should I? Where would I be if my toilet blocked or I needed a house built? I don't have the skills - tradepeople do though, and they do a damn fine job on physical things. Besides, I think they have something worth envying as I mentioned - less to think about. Hey, if you're not intelligent, you might not even realise you're not intelligent. How good a life would that be :) Just coast on and take things as they come, without too many worries in the world!
Sunday, 15 October 2006, 22:28 +0800 GMT
Scary thought - 50% of the population is below average intelligence, by definition. I kinda like that statement, has a nice ring to it. Of course, the thing to remember is that this essentially means nothing UNLESS you know how 'intelligent' the 'average' person is. If average is barely intelligent enough to live daily life, then we're in trouble. If it's enough for everyone to develop rocket engines, then wow :) I figure 'average' is actually quite smart. Perhaps not intelligent intelligent, but more wise intelligent. Smart enough to have a trade job and an ok life. I suppose the best thing about not being too intelligent is that you don't really think too much, about anything. Which makes things far less stressful. A lot of 'intelligent' people look down on less intelligent people. I figure I'm pretty intelligent (not very wise though :D), but I try not to look down on those less intelligent. Why should I? Where would I be if my toilet blocked or I needed a house built? I don't have the skills - tradepeople do though, and they do a damn fine job on physical things. Besides, I think they have something worth envying as I mentioned - less to think about. Hey, if you're not intelligent, you might not even realise you're not intelligent. How good a life would that be :) Just coast on and take things as they come, without too many worries in the world!
People Need to Think More
Sunday, 15 October 2006, 22:11 +0800 GMT
Housemate and I were talking a few months ago about socialism versus capitalism. Both my housemates tend towards socialist. To be honest, I didn't really know much about what socialism was, at the time. So I asked them. Turns out it's basically that the 'state' owns all resources and so on. Not necessarily planning it via a government body, but the state owns it. The means of governance of the state aren't really specified. Communists used a government to centrally plan, other forms of socialism might use locality based governments or some other sort of coalition of the people. Needless to say I think the main focus is just on not having people owning stuff as individuals. Ownership and money are abolished, surrendered to the state, who distributes the wealth (fairly, one would hope).
The interesting thing about this is that although I knew what communism was, I didn't really know much about socialism. Is this a product of growing up in a capitalist society? Do they hide what socialism from you? I don't think so - they taught about communism (although putting it in a 'negative' light). What is quite scary is that I realised that I hadn't *thought* about this kind of thing. I never made a choice in my mind about whether to advocate capitalism or socialism. My housemates pointed out that it's likely that most people don't ever think about it. We just accept whatever we're born into unless we're really unhappy about it. I don't really care, to be honest. Capitalism doesn't seem too bad for me, but I hate the 'rat race' and having to have money to do anything. Sure, if I had millions of dollars I wouldn't care. But working hard to earn a relatively meagre crust...well that kinda sucks.
But socialism? Maybe I'm biased by my learnings about communism from school - but I don't think I'd like communism either. I'd be looked after perfectly well but I wonder how flexible my life would be. And I wonder how technologically advanced it'd be. Socialism doesn't promote R&D, I don't think. Capitalism certainly does! The drive to beat competitors, gain more wealth, is a very powerful motivator for humans. And interesting subject. I learnt a lot, anyway, through that discussion. It was good - and it opened my eyes to the need to think about and question more the things I take for granted in life.
Sunday, 15 October 2006, 22:11 +0800 GMT
Housemate and I were talking a few months ago about socialism versus capitalism. Both my housemates tend towards socialist. To be honest, I didn't really know much about what socialism was, at the time. So I asked them. Turns out it's basically that the 'state' owns all resources and so on. Not necessarily planning it via a government body, but the state owns it. The means of governance of the state aren't really specified. Communists used a government to centrally plan, other forms of socialism might use locality based governments or some other sort of coalition of the people. Needless to say I think the main focus is just on not having people owning stuff as individuals. Ownership and money are abolished, surrendered to the state, who distributes the wealth (fairly, one would hope).
The interesting thing about this is that although I knew what communism was, I didn't really know much about socialism. Is this a product of growing up in a capitalist society? Do they hide what socialism from you? I don't think so - they taught about communism (although putting it in a 'negative' light). What is quite scary is that I realised that I hadn't *thought* about this kind of thing. I never made a choice in my mind about whether to advocate capitalism or socialism. My housemates pointed out that it's likely that most people don't ever think about it. We just accept whatever we're born into unless we're really unhappy about it. I don't really care, to be honest. Capitalism doesn't seem too bad for me, but I hate the 'rat race' and having to have money to do anything. Sure, if I had millions of dollars I wouldn't care. But working hard to earn a relatively meagre crust...well that kinda sucks.
But socialism? Maybe I'm biased by my learnings about communism from school - but I don't think I'd like communism either. I'd be looked after perfectly well but I wonder how flexible my life would be. And I wonder how technologically advanced it'd be. Socialism doesn't promote R&D, I don't think. Capitalism certainly does! The drive to beat competitors, gain more wealth, is a very powerful motivator for humans. And interesting subject. I learnt a lot, anyway, through that discussion. It was good - and it opened my eyes to the need to think about and question more the things I take for granted in life.
Everything Starts From One
Sunday, 15 October 2006, 22:08 +0800 GMT
Struck me the other day that the things we have around us every day - the slogans, the buzz words, the customs and so on - were all made popular by one person. Think about the 'All Your Base' phenomenon. *Someone* thought it was awesome and spread the word to others who also thought it was awesome and spread it further until helped by modern communications it was sent around the world to the population at large. Pretty sombreing thought!!
Sunday, 15 October 2006, 22:08 +0800 GMT
Struck me the other day that the things we have around us every day - the slogans, the buzz words, the customs and so on - were all made popular by one person. Think about the 'All Your Base' phenomenon. *Someone* thought it was awesome and spread the word to others who also thought it was awesome and spread it further until helped by modern communications it was sent around the world to the population at large. Pretty sombreing thought!!
New People Inhibition
Sunday, 15 October 2006, 22:08 +0800 GMT
I'm not sure why most people (including myself) seem to be inhibited with new people. It's as if we're testing the waters, not sure where the boundarys of accepted conversation go. I'd love to just be myself everywhere I go but I know some people will get annoyed at me if I am. If they're not used to the way I am. Of course there's trust in there as well I suppose. No point talking to someone like you would a close friend if there's the possibility that person will turn on you or just generally be nasty. Still, I think it calls for a little loosening up. What's wrong with, for example, discussion the definition of love with a near complete stranger? I don't see any harm, you're not really opening yourself up. And I like the random nature of it. Lots of good things can come from random acts!
Sunday, 15 October 2006, 22:08 +0800 GMT
I'm not sure why most people (including myself) seem to be inhibited with new people. It's as if we're testing the waters, not sure where the boundarys of accepted conversation go. I'd love to just be myself everywhere I go but I know some people will get annoyed at me if I am. If they're not used to the way I am. Of course there's trust in there as well I suppose. No point talking to someone like you would a close friend if there's the possibility that person will turn on you or just generally be nasty. Still, I think it calls for a little loosening up. What's wrong with, for example, discussion the definition of love with a near complete stranger? I don't see any harm, you're not really opening yourself up. And I like the random nature of it. Lots of good things can come from random acts!
Open to Criticism (And Attack)
Sunday, 15 October 2006, 21:57 +0800 GMT
This is an interesting one. Being open to criticism seems quite hard for a lot of people. I also react badly to raw criticism, but can usually manage to force myself to be accomodating to it. It's all about how the criticism is presented. If it's raw, it's hard to take well. If it's straight but put in a positive way it's usually a lot easier. I like being told if I'm not doing something right, because it helps me improve, and that's important to me.
Sunday, 15 October 2006, 21:57 +0800 GMT
This is an interesting one. Being open to criticism seems quite hard for a lot of people. I also react badly to raw criticism, but can usually manage to force myself to be accomodating to it. It's all about how the criticism is presented. If it's raw, it's hard to take well. If it's straight but put in a positive way it's usually a lot easier. I like being told if I'm not doing something right, because it helps me improve, and that's important to me.
Rundus Special
Sunday, 15 October 2006, 21:43 +0800 GMT
One of the principals (above senior manager but not quite a partner) at work is famous for 'special' projects. These projects are usually infamous for a variety of reasons. They just 'crop up' all of a sudden, have stupidly short time frames, *have* to be done and are usually difficult/irritating. And of course, their 'crop up' nature often means you're already overloaded with work when you're suddenly hit with the 'special'. That's what happened to me recently. I'd managed to escape them previously, but got fully caught out this time. Can't be bothered giving too many details, other than that it was a data analytics job for a client who was difficult. The data had already been analysed but for a variety of reasons the job didn't go well, so the 'special' was to redo the entire job. Great.
I was not very happy, as I was the logical choice for the project. Having worked on the client before and having been involved with the first of the two stages of the 'not so good' job for them. I also happened to be on another two engagements and supposed to be starting a third. Ironically in my performance evaluation for this 'special' the principal wrote that I managed my time well under pressure. Which is ironic, as literally every day I was in meetings with him and the people I was *supposed* to be working for screeching that something had to be taken off my plate.
Anyway, got the 'special' done finally. Another interesting property of the 'specials' is that they tend to be 'I only need you for an afternoon / 2 days' and then explode to be more like a week or more. This one was just over 5 days from memory. And it was hard. It was *bloody* hard. The most challenging job I've ever done. Data analytics is good fun but it's not always easy, especially when the way you need to think to use some of our advanced analysis tools doesn't really fit the way the data is structured o_O But we got there and the client seemed happy. Could have been worse, I suppose...but I can't really see how hehe.
Sunday, 15 October 2006, 21:43 +0800 GMT
One of the principals (above senior manager but not quite a partner) at work is famous for 'special' projects. These projects are usually infamous for a variety of reasons. They just 'crop up' all of a sudden, have stupidly short time frames, *have* to be done and are usually difficult/irritating. And of course, their 'crop up' nature often means you're already overloaded with work when you're suddenly hit with the 'special'. That's what happened to me recently. I'd managed to escape them previously, but got fully caught out this time. Can't be bothered giving too many details, other than that it was a data analytics job for a client who was difficult. The data had already been analysed but for a variety of reasons the job didn't go well, so the 'special' was to redo the entire job. Great.
I was not very happy, as I was the logical choice for the project. Having worked on the client before and having been involved with the first of the two stages of the 'not so good' job for them. I also happened to be on another two engagements and supposed to be starting a third. Ironically in my performance evaluation for this 'special' the principal wrote that I managed my time well under pressure. Which is ironic, as literally every day I was in meetings with him and the people I was *supposed* to be working for screeching that something had to be taken off my plate.
Anyway, got the 'special' done finally. Another interesting property of the 'specials' is that they tend to be 'I only need you for an afternoon / 2 days' and then explode to be more like a week or more. This one was just over 5 days from memory. And it was hard. It was *bloody* hard. The most challenging job I've ever done. Data analytics is good fun but it's not always easy, especially when the way you need to think to use some of our advanced analysis tools doesn't really fit the way the data is structured o_O But we got there and the client seemed happy. Could have been worse, I suppose...but I can't really see how hehe.
Ex Colleague Return
Sunday, 15 October 2006, 21:29 +0800 GMT
An old colleague recently came back to visit us from Sydney. He's a really good guy and meeting him reminded me why I missed him. He strikes me as a Paladin - not of the old times, but of the new times. Kinda an Information Technology Paladin. A mix of IT process knowledge and noble, good intent. Unfortunately, I was so unbelievably tired I could barely stay awake during dinner, and on the car ride back home (thankfully, I wasn't driving!).
The funniest part of all was that car ride though. There were four of us in the car, one girl and three guys. What really caught me out was that all of us guys in the car had asked the girl out at some point. One of the guys had asked her out and tentatively gone out with her before they decided it wasn't going to work. Then I asked her out and didn't get anywhere (thankfully!). Then finally, the last guy in the car asked her out and similar to with the first guy they're trying to work out whether or not it's going to work. I just found it funny :)
Sunday, 15 October 2006, 21:29 +0800 GMT
An old colleague recently came back to visit us from Sydney. He's a really good guy and meeting him reminded me why I missed him. He strikes me as a Paladin - not of the old times, but of the new times. Kinda an Information Technology Paladin. A mix of IT process knowledge and noble, good intent. Unfortunately, I was so unbelievably tired I could barely stay awake during dinner, and on the car ride back home (thankfully, I wasn't driving!).
The funniest part of all was that car ride though. There were four of us in the car, one girl and three guys. What really caught me out was that all of us guys in the car had asked the girl out at some point. One of the guys had asked her out and tentatively gone out with her before they decided it wasn't going to work. Then I asked her out and didn't get anywhere (thankfully!). Then finally, the last guy in the car asked her out and similar to with the first guy they're trying to work out whether or not it's going to work. I just found it funny :)
Coughing & Sympathy
Sunday, 15 October 2006, 21:19 +0800 GMT
It's ironic, isn't it. Humans are famous for not feeling sympathy towards one another. A guy I know has had a cough recently and I've had to spend quite a bit of time with him. And it's FUCKING annoying. Believe me, I know what he's going through and it sucks. But what about what I'm going through? I've never dealt with things like that well, and it just grates on my nerves until I feel like knocking him unconcious to shut him up. Not that I ever would (I'm not a psycho :D). Still. It raises an interesting question. How far can sympathy go. It can never be complete. I will never have so much sympathy for a person that whatever is wrong with them will effect me. Sympathy can only go up to a point when the effect on you of whatever you are sympathising with them about just becomes too great. In this case, sympathy to the guy for his cough can only go up to the point where his cough begins to shit me to tears. Now I know he can't really do anything about it and I needn't spend so much time with him. In this case, I took available measures to stay away from him by closing doors etc, listening to music to drown out the coughing and so on. I just find it an interesting parable of human sympathy. The line that is drawn between where you feel sympathy and where you cannot, for your own sake.
Sunday, 15 October 2006, 21:19 +0800 GMT
It's ironic, isn't it. Humans are famous for not feeling sympathy towards one another. A guy I know has had a cough recently and I've had to spend quite a bit of time with him. And it's FUCKING annoying. Believe me, I know what he's going through and it sucks. But what about what I'm going through? I've never dealt with things like that well, and it just grates on my nerves until I feel like knocking him unconcious to shut him up. Not that I ever would (I'm not a psycho :D). Still. It raises an interesting question. How far can sympathy go. It can never be complete. I will never have so much sympathy for a person that whatever is wrong with them will effect me. Sympathy can only go up to a point when the effect on you of whatever you are sympathising with them about just becomes too great. In this case, sympathy to the guy for his cough can only go up to the point where his cough begins to shit me to tears. Now I know he can't really do anything about it and I needn't spend so much time with him. In this case, I took available measures to stay away from him by closing doors etc, listening to music to drown out the coughing and so on. I just find it an interesting parable of human sympathy. The line that is drawn between where you feel sympathy and where you cannot, for your own sake.
Quick To Judge & Fire Up
Sunday, 08 October 2006, 23:45 +0800 GMT
I've identified a flaw in myself where I am very suspicious, quick to judge and easily irritated. I think a lot of it has to do with this feeling of nagging tiredness I've been feeling for about the last year - I get irritated when I get tired. But I think I will still need to watch myself...glad I noticed it earlier rather than later.
Sunday, 08 October 2006, 23:45 +0800 GMT
I've identified a flaw in myself where I am very suspicious, quick to judge and easily irritated. I think a lot of it has to do with this feeling of nagging tiredness I've been feeling for about the last year - I get irritated when I get tired. But I think I will still need to watch myself...glad I noticed it earlier rather than later.
Job Offer
Sunday, 08 October 2006, 23:45 +0800 GMT
I've been made two tentative job offers recently. Both of which were contingent on something happening that didn't, hence falling through. But I'm proud at least that people I know and have been working for are impressed with what I can do, and are interested having me onboard if they get the right circumstances.
Sunday, 08 October 2006, 23:45 +0800 GMT
I've been made two tentative job offers recently. Both of which were contingent on something happening that didn't, hence falling through. But I'm proud at least that people I know and have been working for are impressed with what I can do, and are interested having me onboard if they get the right circumstances.
Problem No Solution
Sunday, 08 October 2006, 23:38 +0800 GMT
This goes back to an age old addage - don't present problems, present solutions. E.g. there's no point bitching about something if you don't have a solution to it. People are very very good at highlighting problems, and endlessing bitching about them and how bad they are. Instead of that, if they thought about problems and presented solutions instead, it'd be so much more valuable for everyone. Why doesn't it happen? Well, it's much harder to come up with solutions, isn't it!
Sunday, 08 October 2006, 23:38 +0800 GMT
This goes back to an age old addage - don't present problems, present solutions. E.g. there's no point bitching about something if you don't have a solution to it. People are very very good at highlighting problems, and endlessing bitching about them and how bad they are. Instead of that, if they thought about problems and presented solutions instead, it'd be so much more valuable for everyone. Why doesn't it happen? Well, it's much harder to come up with solutions, isn't it!
Right to Complain
Sunday, 08 October 2006, 23:25 +0800 GMT
Nothing annoys me more than people who complain about things but don't really have the knowledge, skills or right to. This is especially prevalent in the computer world. People bitch and moan about IT. If something happens with the computer, they'll call and abuse helpdesk, because it's obviously IT's fault. Aside from the fact a) the business probably made some inept decision that caused it or b) it's a vendor related issue, not in house, is besides the point to the person making the complaint. "If it's computer related, it's IT" seems to be the motto. I recently discovered the acronym PEBKAC - problem exists between keyboard and chair. I love that, it's so true. Seeing the lack of computer skills prevalent in most of my external audit colleagues at work proves the point to me.
But more generically, you'll often find people complaining about things for no reason other than that it annoys them or they don't want to do something because they're not used to doing it. And I admit, I do this. We now have to lock our laptops up at work for security reasons. Which pissed me off, because it means shutting it down every night and locking it away, which is annoying. Another thing to do at the end of the day. But it makes sense. It's just hard to see that when you have to do all those extra things to effect it. In the end, I didn't complain about it though (much) - at least, not to the instigators. And why not? Well, because I don't have a valid reason to bitch. So to those incessant whiners out there - take a lesson. If you a) don't have qualifications to make a call about whether something is proper or not, b) don't have a right to make that call or c) haven't thought all things through in relation to whatever it is you're getting annoyed with - DON'T COMPLAIN.
Sunday, 08 October 2006, 23:25 +0800 GMT
Nothing annoys me more than people who complain about things but don't really have the knowledge, skills or right to. This is especially prevalent in the computer world. People bitch and moan about IT. If something happens with the computer, they'll call and abuse helpdesk, because it's obviously IT's fault. Aside from the fact a) the business probably made some inept decision that caused it or b) it's a vendor related issue, not in house, is besides the point to the person making the complaint. "If it's computer related, it's IT" seems to be the motto. I recently discovered the acronym PEBKAC - problem exists between keyboard and chair. I love that, it's so true. Seeing the lack of computer skills prevalent in most of my external audit colleagues at work proves the point to me.
But more generically, you'll often find people complaining about things for no reason other than that it annoys them or they don't want to do something because they're not used to doing it. And I admit, I do this. We now have to lock our laptops up at work for security reasons. Which pissed me off, because it means shutting it down every night and locking it away, which is annoying. Another thing to do at the end of the day. But it makes sense. It's just hard to see that when you have to do all those extra things to effect it. In the end, I didn't complain about it though (much) - at least, not to the instigators. And why not? Well, because I don't have a valid reason to bitch. So to those incessant whiners out there - take a lesson. If you a) don't have qualifications to make a call about whether something is proper or not, b) don't have a right to make that call or c) haven't thought all things through in relation to whatever it is you're getting annoyed with - DON'T COMPLAIN.
'Involved' Exclusion
Sunday, 08 October 2006, 23:15 +0800 GMT
A lot of studies have been done into personalities and so on, and their correlation between jobs and social skills. From memory a study done a few years ago revealed that most computer scientists are introverted people that have a personality disorder of some type. Which doesn't really surprise me. I like to think of the brain as a DnD system, where you have a number of points to spread amongst characteristics of the brain. Sociableness, raw intelligence, wisdom, seductiveness, persuasiveness, leadership and so on. Computer scientists would spend nearly all their points on intelligence, wisdom, logic and so on. Leaving not many for sociableness and all the other 'group' characteristics of the brain. In other words boys and girls, we're all a little screwed up and socially inept. Perhaps that's just an escape for me, to say I'm inept socially because of my strength in the computer science subject. Or perhaps it's true. Who knows, really.
Sunday, 08 October 2006, 23:15 +0800 GMT
A lot of studies have been done into personalities and so on, and their correlation between jobs and social skills. From memory a study done a few years ago revealed that most computer scientists are introverted people that have a personality disorder of some type. Which doesn't really surprise me. I like to think of the brain as a DnD system, where you have a number of points to spread amongst characteristics of the brain. Sociableness, raw intelligence, wisdom, seductiveness, persuasiveness, leadership and so on. Computer scientists would spend nearly all their points on intelligence, wisdom, logic and so on. Leaving not many for sociableness and all the other 'group' characteristics of the brain. In other words boys and girls, we're all a little screwed up and socially inept. Perhaps that's just an escape for me, to say I'm inept socially because of my strength in the computer science subject. Or perhaps it's true. Who knows, really.
University Reputation
Sunday, 08 October 2006, 22:51 +0800 GMT
To me, university 'reputation' is a load of bullshit. Sure, it may help you get your foot in the door, but the way some people get through uni it really doesn't mean much at all. As they say, the proof is in the pudding. What is most important is that you *learn* while you are at uni. If you get an average of 60%, how much do you really know? Perhaps a lot, yes, but in accordance with the learning outcomes of the course, not a lot. It's a difficult mix. It's important to do well at uni, not just laze your way through with 60%. While at the same time it's important to learn off the syllabus to get generic and specific knowledge in other areas too. Someone who has neither when they graduate is nearing worthless, in my opinion.
Sunday, 08 October 2006, 22:51 +0800 GMT
To me, university 'reputation' is a load of bullshit. Sure, it may help you get your foot in the door, but the way some people get through uni it really doesn't mean much at all. As they say, the proof is in the pudding. What is most important is that you *learn* while you are at uni. If you get an average of 60%, how much do you really know? Perhaps a lot, yes, but in accordance with the learning outcomes of the course, not a lot. It's a difficult mix. It's important to do well at uni, not just laze your way through with 60%. While at the same time it's important to learn off the syllabus to get generic and specific knowledge in other areas too. Someone who has neither when they graduate is nearing worthless, in my opinion.
Helping Grandma
Sunday, 08 October 2006, 22:51 +0800 GMT
I lent my Grandma my laptop a while ago so that she could learn to use a computer, and go on the Internet etc. With help from my dad and uncles, we achieved that. Part of the reason was to give her some sort of escape, as my Grandpa has relatively bad Alzheimers that is developing into a severe case. It is very difficult for her, and anything we can do to help her 'escape' is a good thing. I think she uses it quite a bit. Anyway, I've been helping her with it a lot - from how to justify text in Word to getting her firewall set up and up to date, and so on. It's been a good experience, and has meant I've seen them more often than I probably otherwise would have. Helping her takes so little of my time and brings her so much happiness that it's not even a question, really :)
Most recently help her set up Remote Assistance, so that my uncle and/or dad can take control of her desktop so she can show them the problems she's experiencing without them being there. We finally got it working, after setting up port forwarding and me realising that I'd disabled the service that Remote Assistance relied upon. Finally got it all set up and it worked, so going forward should be easier for my uncle to assist her as well :) Glad we can do all of this for her - another Internet powered granny out there, thankfully backed up by a computer team :) Not all grannies can claim that! :P
Sunday, 08 October 2006, 22:51 +0800 GMT
I lent my Grandma my laptop a while ago so that she could learn to use a computer, and go on the Internet etc. With help from my dad and uncles, we achieved that. Part of the reason was to give her some sort of escape, as my Grandpa has relatively bad Alzheimers that is developing into a severe case. It is very difficult for her, and anything we can do to help her 'escape' is a good thing. I think she uses it quite a bit. Anyway, I've been helping her with it a lot - from how to justify text in Word to getting her firewall set up and up to date, and so on. It's been a good experience, and has meant I've seen them more often than I probably otherwise would have. Helping her takes so little of my time and brings her so much happiness that it's not even a question, really :)
Most recently help her set up Remote Assistance, so that my uncle and/or dad can take control of her desktop so she can show them the problems she's experiencing without them being there. We finally got it working, after setting up port forwarding and me realising that I'd disabled the service that Remote Assistance relied upon. Finally got it all set up and it worked, so going forward should be easier for my uncle to assist her as well :) Glad we can do all of this for her - another Internet powered granny out there, thankfully backed up by a computer team :) Not all grannies can claim that! :P
Totally Drunk
Sunday, 08 October 2006, 23:02 +0800 GMT
Finally got really really drunk, the other Friday night. Only took 23.25 years for me to learn my alcohol lesson :) I bought a bottle of vodka and took it to work for Friday drinks. Ended up doing about 8 shots. Had 2 beers as well. Then, as some of my colleagues had missed out on the vodka, we got another bottle and ended up at a grad's house in the city drinking it. Was great. I had another 2 vodka shots and another beer. I was off my face. I remember calling my friend (who had called previously) and telling her I just wanted to lie down in the kitchen and go to sleep. Thankfully, I'd had a few diet cokes and a vodka bottle full of water, as well as lots of cups of water at the grad's house. That still didn't stop me almost leaving my body :) I remember, through a very fuzzy set of eyes, dancing around his house and giving him 'non sexual man hugs'. So that was interesting. A while after that I thought it would be a great idea to throw my phone off his balcony, across the street. So, after checking for pedestrians and cars, I did. It smashed into a few pieces and then I lost sight of it - a while later it was gone. A short time after that I was feeling pretty out of it...lots of alcohol plus very tired from the week and I was ready to sleep. The time suddenly jumped from 10pm to 11:57pm and I'd missed my last bus. The grad put me on his sofa and put a rug on me for me to sleep it off, but I got up again. I remember having a conversation with his housemate's sister about my sexuality, which was very interesting. Somehow I remember commenting about how handsome the housemate was, or something. Hehehe amusing. A while later one of his housemate's friends dragged me out of his house and took me home on her way home. Was very kind of her. Throughout it all I was still in control - just. I knew where I was, who I was, where I was going etc. And I never once came close to vomiting. So I wasn't that bad, I suppose. Just pretty out of it!! Stupidly, I fell asleep with the heater on full when I got home. So I woke up at about 8am with a splitting headache because I'd dehydrated - not from the alcohol, from the bloody heater. I took some panadol and lots of water, then slept again. I woke up without the headache, but felt seedy all day and didn't want to drive anywhere hehe. I figured I'd had about 0.5 * 10 + 3 * 1.5 standard drinks, which is only about 9.5. I've done a lot more standard drinks in the same amount of time with less food and been fine. So not sure what happened there. Might have been the bloody vodka. Needless to say, I've been taking it easy since then. I've learnt my lesson about alcohol, and I think I was lucky enough to not go so far as to vomit everywhere etc. Will be careful in future!
Sunday, 08 October 2006, 23:02 +0800 GMT
Finally got really really drunk, the other Friday night. Only took 23.25 years for me to learn my alcohol lesson :) I bought a bottle of vodka and took it to work for Friday drinks. Ended up doing about 8 shots. Had 2 beers as well. Then, as some of my colleagues had missed out on the vodka, we got another bottle and ended up at a grad's house in the city drinking it. Was great. I had another 2 vodka shots and another beer. I was off my face. I remember calling my friend (who had called previously) and telling her I just wanted to lie down in the kitchen and go to sleep. Thankfully, I'd had a few diet cokes and a vodka bottle full of water, as well as lots of cups of water at the grad's house. That still didn't stop me almost leaving my body :) I remember, through a very fuzzy set of eyes, dancing around his house and giving him 'non sexual man hugs'. So that was interesting. A while after that I thought it would be a great idea to throw my phone off his balcony, across the street. So, after checking for pedestrians and cars, I did. It smashed into a few pieces and then I lost sight of it - a while later it was gone. A short time after that I was feeling pretty out of it...lots of alcohol plus very tired from the week and I was ready to sleep. The time suddenly jumped from 10pm to 11:57pm and I'd missed my last bus. The grad put me on his sofa and put a rug on me for me to sleep it off, but I got up again. I remember having a conversation with his housemate's sister about my sexuality, which was very interesting. Somehow I remember commenting about how handsome the housemate was, or something. Hehehe amusing. A while later one of his housemate's friends dragged me out of his house and took me home on her way home. Was very kind of her. Throughout it all I was still in control - just. I knew where I was, who I was, where I was going etc. And I never once came close to vomiting. So I wasn't that bad, I suppose. Just pretty out of it!! Stupidly, I fell asleep with the heater on full when I got home. So I woke up at about 8am with a splitting headache because I'd dehydrated - not from the alcohol, from the bloody heater. I took some panadol and lots of water, then slept again. I woke up without the headache, but felt seedy all day and didn't want to drive anywhere hehe. I figured I'd had about 0.5 * 10 + 3 * 1.5 standard drinks, which is only about 9.5. I've done a lot more standard drinks in the same amount of time with less food and been fine. So not sure what happened there. Might have been the bloody vodka. Needless to say, I've been taking it easy since then. I've learnt my lesson about alcohol, and I think I was lucky enough to not go so far as to vomit everywhere etc. Will be careful in future!
Colleague's Take On Attraction & Compatibility
Sunday, 08 October 2006, 22:20 +0800 GMT
Went out for a friend's birthday the other night to a very funky little Korean restaurant in a swanky suburb. Fantastic location and the food wasn't too bad either. I ended up sitting next to a colleague from another level who I see every now and then. Have a lot of respect for him, although we don't know each other well enough yet to be even 'friends' really. We get on quite well though. The girl he was with wandered off to talk to people down the table and I was around other people I didn't really want to talk to, so I spent most of my time talking to him. It was very refreshing, as we somehow got onto the topic of girls. As you do, when you're two guys and you're bored hehe.
He shared his experiences with me, and it turns out we're, or rather were, quite similar. A few years ago he and a few of his friends realised they sucked at picking up, so they started researching. Books, Internet, whatever. All in the quest to understand women and find one :) Not in a sleazy way though, at least, not as far as I know. At that time, they were all pretty shy, and as I said, crap with women. But he said with all the research he gradually improved. Turns out that the key, according to him, is that you need to set things up from the start. Falling for someone and telling them a year later just isn't going to work, because the girl has probably already dismissed you from her mind as a potential. It's got to start early. You need to work the charm, I suppose, but not in an over the top unnatural way. More by just being yourself, but laid back, and amusing. Like, seriously amusing. Be bold, be confident, make her laugh. Give her a nickname. Freak her out a bit.
And the second key? Well, this one is a bit more difficult but I think still important - make her feel like she's not that important. I thought about this one for a while and realised it. Why am I attracted to women who are strong? Because, they have greater social worth. And it's true! If a women came onto me very strongly, I'd freak out and not want to know (especially if I didn't feel the same way). If you have greater social worth, people are attracted to you without even knowing it. Attraction is not a choice. Think about guys or girls you know who are confident, funny and have friends and people around them all the time. I know I admire them and in the case of women, am attracted to them. It's natural, and you'll probably have experienced it too. So the key is to become that person instead of being attracted to them hehe. Like I said, easier said than done. But that's where the whole confidence thing comes in. Don't hang on the girl's every will. Don't always answer her calls. Be indifferent to some of her suggestions. Don't make yourself available for everything she wants to do, even if you are available. Make her feel like she's not as important to you in the grand scheme of things (yet hehe). I'm not a huge fan of this kind of thing, unfortunately, especially after he used the phrase I hear around quite a bit - 'treat em mean, keep em keen'. He said he didn't like it either, but he'd found it was true. Although of course, there are different limits to this. Can be a little mean and a little keeping them keen and perhaps it might still work...don't think I could really bring myself to be that way though.
Anyway, I figure that the above is all probably quite true, based on nothing other than my bystander observation and my own feelings. I feel kinda worried, because I don't know if I can do any of the above, but I suppose it's worth a try. I've been trying to be more confident recently, and I think it's showed - like when my friend told me a few weeks ago that she thought I'd become more attractive :) That made me very happy hehe.
Sunday, 08 October 2006, 22:20 +0800 GMT
Went out for a friend's birthday the other night to a very funky little Korean restaurant in a swanky suburb. Fantastic location and the food wasn't too bad either. I ended up sitting next to a colleague from another level who I see every now and then. Have a lot of respect for him, although we don't know each other well enough yet to be even 'friends' really. We get on quite well though. The girl he was with wandered off to talk to people down the table and I was around other people I didn't really want to talk to, so I spent most of my time talking to him. It was very refreshing, as we somehow got onto the topic of girls. As you do, when you're two guys and you're bored hehe.
He shared his experiences with me, and it turns out we're, or rather were, quite similar. A few years ago he and a few of his friends realised they sucked at picking up, so they started researching. Books, Internet, whatever. All in the quest to understand women and find one :) Not in a sleazy way though, at least, not as far as I know. At that time, they were all pretty shy, and as I said, crap with women. But he said with all the research he gradually improved. Turns out that the key, according to him, is that you need to set things up from the start. Falling for someone and telling them a year later just isn't going to work, because the girl has probably already dismissed you from her mind as a potential. It's got to start early. You need to work the charm, I suppose, but not in an over the top unnatural way. More by just being yourself, but laid back, and amusing. Like, seriously amusing. Be bold, be confident, make her laugh. Give her a nickname. Freak her out a bit.
And the second key? Well, this one is a bit more difficult but I think still important - make her feel like she's not that important. I thought about this one for a while and realised it. Why am I attracted to women who are strong? Because, they have greater social worth. And it's true! If a women came onto me very strongly, I'd freak out and not want to know (especially if I didn't feel the same way). If you have greater social worth, people are attracted to you without even knowing it. Attraction is not a choice. Think about guys or girls you know who are confident, funny and have friends and people around them all the time. I know I admire them and in the case of women, am attracted to them. It's natural, and you'll probably have experienced it too. So the key is to become that person instead of being attracted to them hehe. Like I said, easier said than done. But that's where the whole confidence thing comes in. Don't hang on the girl's every will. Don't always answer her calls. Be indifferent to some of her suggestions. Don't make yourself available for everything she wants to do, even if you are available. Make her feel like she's not as important to you in the grand scheme of things (yet hehe). I'm not a huge fan of this kind of thing, unfortunately, especially after he used the phrase I hear around quite a bit - 'treat em mean, keep em keen'. He said he didn't like it either, but he'd found it was true. Although of course, there are different limits to this. Can be a little mean and a little keeping them keen and perhaps it might still work...don't think I could really bring myself to be that way though.
Anyway, I figure that the above is all probably quite true, based on nothing other than my bystander observation and my own feelings. I feel kinda worried, because I don't know if I can do any of the above, but I suppose it's worth a try. I've been trying to be more confident recently, and I think it's showed - like when my friend told me a few weeks ago that she thought I'd become more attractive :) That made me very happy hehe.
Reverse Friendster Feelings
Sunday, 08 October 2006, 22:07 +0800 GMT
I had a unique experience with Friendster the other day. A random girl requested for me to add her as a friend. Suddenly, the shoe was on the other foot. Sometimes, I used to send random messages to people I found in my 'network'. Because I read their profiles and thought they sounded like decent, friendly people. I never got a single message back. Hehehe. I was always so upset, so hurt when they didn't message back. When the shoe came to be on the other foot, I realised why. I experienced it. The girl that messaged me, I didn't know her. She could have been anyone, she could have been a psycho. I thought long and hard about whether or not to add her. In the end I did, but didn't message her. She hasn't messaged me either. Which makes me question why she added me in the first place. I had a girl do that once, I'm not sure why. Possibly as a point of contact if she ever came to my country (she wrote that in her profile). Possibly because she wanted the attention (she struck me as arrogant and fake). *shrugs* will see what happens, I suppose.
Sunday, 08 October 2006, 22:07 +0800 GMT
I had a unique experience with Friendster the other day. A random girl requested for me to add her as a friend. Suddenly, the shoe was on the other foot. Sometimes, I used to send random messages to people I found in my 'network'. Because I read their profiles and thought they sounded like decent, friendly people. I never got a single message back. Hehehe. I was always so upset, so hurt when they didn't message back. When the shoe came to be on the other foot, I realised why. I experienced it. The girl that messaged me, I didn't know her. She could have been anyone, she could have been a psycho. I thought long and hard about whether or not to add her. In the end I did, but didn't message her. She hasn't messaged me either. Which makes me question why she added me in the first place. I had a girl do that once, I'm not sure why. Possibly as a point of contact if she ever came to my country (she wrote that in her profile). Possibly because she wanted the attention (she struck me as arrogant and fake). *shrugs* will see what happens, I suppose.
Wing Chun :)
Sunday, 08 October 2006, 21:53 +0800 GMT
Finally got back in contact with my Wing Chun sifu the other day. I will return to training under him soon, hopefully up to four times per week. I'm so excited. The week of work I took off to work on my website was really helpful in getting some motivation back to, well, do anything besides stay at home. Just gotta wait another week for my neck to heal enough, then I'll be off and racing! :)
Sunday, 08 October 2006, 21:53 +0800 GMT
Finally got back in contact with my Wing Chun sifu the other day. I will return to training under him soon, hopefully up to four times per week. I'm so excited. The week of work I took off to work on my website was really helpful in getting some motivation back to, well, do anything besides stay at home. Just gotta wait another week for my neck to heal enough, then I'll be off and racing! :)
Networking @ Funerals
Sunday, 01 October 2006, 21:40 +0800 GMT
Think about the people you know. Think about them dying, think about their funerals. A sad, biting thought isn't it. Not particularly nice. When I think about that, it makes me want to build a network, of all things. Why? A network is a support network, I suppose. Thinking about people dying motivates me to get out there and meet people. I'm not sure why. Some is definitely because when people I know die I can turn to people in my network for support. The other part of it is because I suppose I know I will die some day, and the thought of that makes me value my life more and want to get more out of it. Funny...not much else motivates me. Death must be a good motivator.
Sunday, 01 October 2006, 21:40 +0800 GMT
Think about the people you know. Think about them dying, think about their funerals. A sad, biting thought isn't it. Not particularly nice. When I think about that, it makes me want to build a network, of all things. Why? A network is a support network, I suppose. Thinking about people dying motivates me to get out there and meet people. I'm not sure why. Some is definitely because when people I know die I can turn to people in my network for support. The other part of it is because I suppose I know I will die some day, and the thought of that makes me value my life more and want to get more out of it. Funny...not much else motivates me. Death must be a good motivator.
Fake Friend
Sunday, 01 October 2006, 21:30 +0800 GMT
I met a girl ages ago in a chat channel on mirc. Talked to her and her sister a little bit. I was supposed to meet up with her at one point, but I was so angry about something her sister had done to me online that I screwed things up. I did finally meet her one day at a cocktail party, just for a short time. It was nice to meet her, and online and at that party she seemed pretty cool. And very pretty. I lost contact with her for a while, every now and then I'd get a generic 'join this website group' email from her. I eventually added her on MSN and we talked a bit. Things were different now though, she didn't really talk much and increasingly became more distant. Over time I've come to realise how much I dislike her now. It got to the point where one day I simply asked her straight out whether or not we were going to ever meet each other again in person. She said she wasn't sure. At that point I cast the 'relationship' away. I was sick and tired of her bullshit. Sick and tired of a relationship I put some effort into and got nothing back. It was the smart, logical choice. And I'm glad I did it. I never knew her very well, but I read her Friendster profile every now and then as well as seeing her personal messages on MSN. And I have to say, she's one of the most arrogant and fake people I know. The two things I hate most in a person. So, as I said, I'm glad I stopped talking to her. It seems like a harsh step, but I think it's necessary. Above all I'm glad I did it, because it puts me in control of my life for a change. Instead of waiting vainly and hanging on relationships that are dying or dead, I've started to get rid of the ones that don't benefit my life. Consider this a statement of intention to get rid of any other relationships out there I don't think are worthwhile, either. Although if you're reading this I'm pretty sure you won't be fitting into this category, so don't worry :P The only people who seem to know about this journal are people I like very much (even if I don't see them much!) :)
Sunday, 01 October 2006, 21:30 +0800 GMT
I met a girl ages ago in a chat channel on mirc. Talked to her and her sister a little bit. I was supposed to meet up with her at one point, but I was so angry about something her sister had done to me online that I screwed things up. I did finally meet her one day at a cocktail party, just for a short time. It was nice to meet her, and online and at that party she seemed pretty cool. And very pretty. I lost contact with her for a while, every now and then I'd get a generic 'join this website group' email from her. I eventually added her on MSN and we talked a bit. Things were different now though, she didn't really talk much and increasingly became more distant. Over time I've come to realise how much I dislike her now. It got to the point where one day I simply asked her straight out whether or not we were going to ever meet each other again in person. She said she wasn't sure. At that point I cast the 'relationship' away. I was sick and tired of her bullshit. Sick and tired of a relationship I put some effort into and got nothing back. It was the smart, logical choice. And I'm glad I did it. I never knew her very well, but I read her Friendster profile every now and then as well as seeing her personal messages on MSN. And I have to say, she's one of the most arrogant and fake people I know. The two things I hate most in a person. So, as I said, I'm glad I stopped talking to her. It seems like a harsh step, but I think it's necessary. Above all I'm glad I did it, because it puts me in control of my life for a change. Instead of waiting vainly and hanging on relationships that are dying or dead, I've started to get rid of the ones that don't benefit my life. Consider this a statement of intention to get rid of any other relationships out there I don't think are worthwhile, either. Although if you're reading this I'm pretty sure you won't be fitting into this category, so don't worry :P The only people who seem to know about this journal are people I like very much (even if I don't see them much!) :)
Use of the Word 'Nice'
Sunday, 01 October 2006, 21:18 +0800 GMT
Friend of mine *hates* the word nice. He says it doesn't mean anything. And I suppose it doesn't. It can mean good, or a cover up for not good. 'What do you think of that girl over there?'. Answer 1: 'Oh, she's *nice*!'. Answer 2: 'Oh, she's nice'. One meaning she is really nice, the other being polite. And what the hell does it mean anyway, nice. This is a good case for being more descriptive with words. Proper answer: "Yeah, she looks like an interesting person - seems quite confident, and the way she interacts with her friends makes her seem very kind, warm and friendly. She's not really my type though - a bit too confident and fast to put forward her point of view - and she's white hehe.". Or whatever. See, now how much more does that mean.
It's like when my friend (same one) says he hates "I don't know". 90% of the time people say "I don't know" it means they do, they just don't want to say. Next time someone says that to you, tell them that. You'll find that they'll more than likely realise that what you say is true, and might even tell you what they really think. Nice is just a cover up for not wanting to come across as impolite or not 'nice' yourself (couldn't resist hehe), or for being vague in the absence of doing some proper thinking. So - no more "nice" and no more "don't know".
Sunday, 01 October 2006, 21:18 +0800 GMT
Friend of mine *hates* the word nice. He says it doesn't mean anything. And I suppose it doesn't. It can mean good, or a cover up for not good. 'What do you think of that girl over there?'. Answer 1: 'Oh, she's *nice*!'. Answer 2: 'Oh, she's nice'. One meaning she is really nice, the other being polite. And what the hell does it mean anyway, nice. This is a good case for being more descriptive with words. Proper answer: "Yeah, she looks like an interesting person - seems quite confident, and the way she interacts with her friends makes her seem very kind, warm and friendly. She's not really my type though - a bit too confident and fast to put forward her point of view - and she's white hehe.". Or whatever. See, now how much more does that mean.
It's like when my friend (same one) says he hates "I don't know". 90% of the time people say "I don't know" it means they do, they just don't want to say. Next time someone says that to you, tell them that. You'll find that they'll more than likely realise that what you say is true, and might even tell you what they really think. Nice is just a cover up for not wanting to come across as impolite or not 'nice' yourself (couldn't resist hehe), or for being vague in the absence of doing some proper thinking. So - no more "nice" and no more "don't know".
It Only Takes One
Sunday, 01 October 2006, 21:09 +0800 GMT
I'm terrible when it comes to random formed queues. E.g. a bus stop where people just stand around then run to form a line for the bus when the bus arrives. I feel so bad about slotting into the random jostling group that I usually go to the end of the queue. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I know if someone cuts me off or I don't think they deserve to be in front of me (e.g. they just arrived or were standing further back) I feel annoyed and my first impression of the person is negative - even if they didn't do it intentionally. I don't want others to feel that about me, so I usually just jump on the end. Which is the stupid pansy way out. I don't hold a grudge against people who 'jump in front of me' if I get to know them well. So I guess I shouldn't worry about it.
What really worries me is that it just takes one screw up to hurt someone else. The one day I decide to be assertive and jump into the queue where I think I belong, I'm going to annoy someone. And it just troubles me so much. Hehe weird, huh. Most people wouldn't even *think* about this kind of thing.
Sunday, 01 October 2006, 21:09 +0800 GMT
I'm terrible when it comes to random formed queues. E.g. a bus stop where people just stand around then run to form a line for the bus when the bus arrives. I feel so bad about slotting into the random jostling group that I usually go to the end of the queue. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I know if someone cuts me off or I don't think they deserve to be in front of me (e.g. they just arrived or were standing further back) I feel annoyed and my first impression of the person is negative - even if they didn't do it intentionally. I don't want others to feel that about me, so I usually just jump on the end. Which is the stupid pansy way out. I don't hold a grudge against people who 'jump in front of me' if I get to know them well. So I guess I shouldn't worry about it.
What really worries me is that it just takes one screw up to hurt someone else. The one day I decide to be assertive and jump into the queue where I think I belong, I'm going to annoy someone. And it just troubles me so much. Hehe weird, huh. Most people wouldn't even *think* about this kind of thing.
Complexity. A Simple Way to Say Complexity
Sunday, 01 October 2006, 21:02 +0800 GMT
Our world is inherently complex. So very very complex. Especially around relationships. To me, an international alliance shouldn't be difficult to wrangle. Hell, an international friendship shouldn't be. But apparently it is. You need diplomats, negotiaters, backstabbers and so on. Friendship just doesn't exist, and in the end, all belies lies. Veiled movements and actions in the shadows, words and knives in the darkness. It's sad, I think. And in the end, you have to ask, why? Why would you betray an international ally, or even a friend. I suppose the answer in the end is power. Possibly on a global scale. Again, I can't see the reason. I suppose some countries want to rule the world and others just want the power to rule the world so no other country can rule the world. Very different circumstances, but in the end they all lead to the same selfish backstabbing actions between allies that could very well bring this whole world to its knees.
Sunday, 01 October 2006, 21:02 +0800 GMT
Our world is inherently complex. So very very complex. Especially around relationships. To me, an international alliance shouldn't be difficult to wrangle. Hell, an international friendship shouldn't be. But apparently it is. You need diplomats, negotiaters, backstabbers and so on. Friendship just doesn't exist, and in the end, all belies lies. Veiled movements and actions in the shadows, words and knives in the darkness. It's sad, I think. And in the end, you have to ask, why? Why would you betray an international ally, or even a friend. I suppose the answer in the end is power. Possibly on a global scale. Again, I can't see the reason. I suppose some countries want to rule the world and others just want the power to rule the world so no other country can rule the world. Very different circumstances, but in the end they all lead to the same selfish backstabbing actions between allies that could very well bring this whole world to its knees.
Better Than Our Parents?
Sunday, 01 October 2006, 20:54 +0800 GMT
As we are now, at 20 - 30 years old, have we had it better than our parents? Are we smarter, are we more able, are our parents more rich and able to support us? In terms of some areas like medicine and computing, yes, we are much better off. Education and social wise though, I don't know. Seems we advance incredibly between generations, but in doing that we cause a whole bunch of new problems. So in the end it's difficult to say whether the Z generation is better off than the Y generation, and the X in turn.
Sunday, 01 October 2006, 20:54 +0800 GMT
As we are now, at 20 - 30 years old, have we had it better than our parents? Are we smarter, are we more able, are our parents more rich and able to support us? In terms of some areas like medicine and computing, yes, we are much better off. Education and social wise though, I don't know. Seems we advance incredibly between generations, but in doing that we cause a whole bunch of new problems. So in the end it's difficult to say whether the Z generation is better off than the Y generation, and the X in turn.
Out of Ideas
Sunday, 01 October 2006, 20:49 +0800 GMT
It's quite amusing really, how many ideas we have 'consumed' as a human race. Try to think up a new ending for a detective novel, and you'll see what I mean. At most levels, the majority of potential ideas have already been used up. Police win, bad people win. Lead detective gets shot. Flanking maneouvers, secondary plans, bombs, planes, bullets, babes. You name it, it's probably been done. It's the same with ideas in general. Try to think up a new commercial product, and it's not easy. Although I wonder...was it as hard 30 years ago (before lots of current day products have been developed) to come up with a new idea?
Sunday, 01 October 2006, 20:49 +0800 GMT
It's quite amusing really, how many ideas we have 'consumed' as a human race. Try to think up a new ending for a detective novel, and you'll see what I mean. At most levels, the majority of potential ideas have already been used up. Police win, bad people win. Lead detective gets shot. Flanking maneouvers, secondary plans, bombs, planes, bullets, babes. You name it, it's probably been done. It's the same with ideas in general. Try to think up a new commercial product, and it's not easy. Although I wonder...was it as hard 30 years ago (before lots of current day products have been developed) to come up with a new idea?
New Colleague
Sunday, 01 October 2006, 20:42 +0800 GMT
I recently stopped talking to one of my colleagues. Bit of a habit, isn't it :P She's a friend of my friend, and we both conclude that she's rather weird. At first, I began to fall for her because she was pretty and seemed ... 'nice'. Then I realised that she just liked the attention. She's the same with other guys. Worse than that, she's quite fake. Trying to say things that would then get me to ask her questions along certain lines and so on. I don't like that ... if you want me to ask you something, or want to tell me something, then freaking be direct. So I stopped talking to her. And so far, nothing has happened. She hasn't spoken to me. And I haven't felt anything really, besides being happier than I would have been had I been still trying to work her out. I have nothing to say to her, and obviously, since I'm obviously not talking to her any more, I guess she's figured she hasn't got anything on me. So she's stopped talking to me too :) It's a good situation.
Sunday, 01 October 2006, 20:42 +0800 GMT
I recently stopped talking to one of my colleagues. Bit of a habit, isn't it :P She's a friend of my friend, and we both conclude that she's rather weird. At first, I began to fall for her because she was pretty and seemed ... 'nice'. Then I realised that she just liked the attention. She's the same with other guys. Worse than that, she's quite fake. Trying to say things that would then get me to ask her questions along certain lines and so on. I don't like that ... if you want me to ask you something, or want to tell me something, then freaking be direct. So I stopped talking to her. And so far, nothing has happened. She hasn't spoken to me. And I haven't felt anything really, besides being happier than I would have been had I been still trying to work her out. I have nothing to say to her, and obviously, since I'm obviously not talking to her any more, I guess she's figured she hasn't got anything on me. So she's stopped talking to me too :) It's a good situation.
Colleague's Wedding
Sunday, 01 October 2006, 20:30 +0800 GMT
Attended the wedding of a colleague the other day. I was delighted, and very surprised, when he invited me. We have a strange history, him and I. As a vacation worker he was my idol and I loved working with him. As a fresh graduate, we had some rocky encounters that ended up with us both disliking each other quite a bit I think. I won't go into them here, save to say that I think we were both equally to blame. That's all in the past now, and I think we've moved on. He still comes to me for help and gets it, as best as I can provide it. He seems quite happy when I help him out nowadays.
Anyway, his wedding! Was a massive catholic affair - the works. Blessings of blessings of blessings and so on. It took over 1.5 hours! Was the first wedding I've been to, besides my Uncle's second wedding. The ceremony was beautiful. Went to the reception later on that night, it was also beautiful - in the Terrace ballroom of the Hyatt. The food was very tasty, it couldn't have been cheap! Interestingly, at the end of the night as we were leaving, everyone walked past the bride and groom. Everyone in front of me kissed the bride on the cheek, and I wasn't really sure what to do - not really my thing. Ended up doing a sort of kiss - it was quite amusing, as before that, she asked me who I was hehehe. I just said I worked with the groom, and told her my name. The interesting part was that she recognised the name and said the groom spoke about me a lot. I wondered why...the only thing I could think of was that it was because we didn't enjoy working with one another and he would have complained about me to his at the time fiance. The groom overheard us speaking and said 'It's alright, I only told her the bad things'. Typically, that'd be a joking line you'd make...although in this case I'm not so sure he was joking. I asked my manager later, who was also at the wedding, about it. He said that my colleague wouldn't have invited me if he didn't want me there. A lot of the other guys from the office weren't there. I'm not so sure ... having worked with me it might have looked very harsh if he didn't invite me to his wedding when a lot of the others guys who'd been there at least as long as I had were invited. *shrug* I guess I shouldn't worry really. I might try to catch him when he gets back from leave, and ask him once and for all, no bullshit.
Sunday, 01 October 2006, 20:30 +0800 GMT
Attended the wedding of a colleague the other day. I was delighted, and very surprised, when he invited me. We have a strange history, him and I. As a vacation worker he was my idol and I loved working with him. As a fresh graduate, we had some rocky encounters that ended up with us both disliking each other quite a bit I think. I won't go into them here, save to say that I think we were both equally to blame. That's all in the past now, and I think we've moved on. He still comes to me for help and gets it, as best as I can provide it. He seems quite happy when I help him out nowadays.
Anyway, his wedding! Was a massive catholic affair - the works. Blessings of blessings of blessings and so on. It took over 1.5 hours! Was the first wedding I've been to, besides my Uncle's second wedding. The ceremony was beautiful. Went to the reception later on that night, it was also beautiful - in the Terrace ballroom of the Hyatt. The food was very tasty, it couldn't have been cheap! Interestingly, at the end of the night as we were leaving, everyone walked past the bride and groom. Everyone in front of me kissed the bride on the cheek, and I wasn't really sure what to do - not really my thing. Ended up doing a sort of kiss - it was quite amusing, as before that, she asked me who I was hehehe. I just said I worked with the groom, and told her my name. The interesting part was that she recognised the name and said the groom spoke about me a lot. I wondered why...the only thing I could think of was that it was because we didn't enjoy working with one another and he would have complained about me to his at the time fiance. The groom overheard us speaking and said 'It's alright, I only told her the bad things'. Typically, that'd be a joking line you'd make...although in this case I'm not so sure he was joking. I asked my manager later, who was also at the wedding, about it. He said that my colleague wouldn't have invited me if he didn't want me there. A lot of the other guys from the office weren't there. I'm not so sure ... having worked with me it might have looked very harsh if he didn't invite me to his wedding when a lot of the others guys who'd been there at least as long as I had were invited. *shrug* I guess I shouldn't worry really. I might try to catch him when he gets back from leave, and ask him once and for all, no bullshit.
Religion & Preaching - The Big 'Fuck Off'
Sunday, 24 September 2006, 22:51 +0800 GMT
It's interesting you know, religion. And the effect of it on non religious people. If someone starts trying to preach to me I'll be out of there in a flash. I don't want to know about it. I've asked myself why and I don't really have a good answer. I was brought up non religious, and I've been brought up on science. I don't BELIEVE what religion teaches. Hence I don't have an interest in learning about it. And essentially, if someone is trying to tell me something and I don't want to hear about it, natural human instinct is to get out of there or tell them to shut up.
One of my friends became a 'born again christian' a while back, and although she doesn't try to preach to me she has tried to have discussions with others about religion. She always gets shot down so fast, and she doesn't know why. It's interesting - I think most people in general are just pissed off because they've had an earful of religious preaching for a lot of their life and they're just over it. From my perspective, I see religion as almost a cult. People that will close their eyes and hold up their hands and start praying to 'God' etc. and I'm totally freaked out. Talk about mind control. If others want to accept that kind of thing into their life, I encourage them to do it. But don't even start trying to con me into it. I've made my choice based on more than just impulse and that choice is no to religion.
Sunday, 24 September 2006, 22:51 +0800 GMT
It's interesting you know, religion. And the effect of it on non religious people. If someone starts trying to preach to me I'll be out of there in a flash. I don't want to know about it. I've asked myself why and I don't really have a good answer. I was brought up non religious, and I've been brought up on science. I don't BELIEVE what religion teaches. Hence I don't have an interest in learning about it. And essentially, if someone is trying to tell me something and I don't want to hear about it, natural human instinct is to get out of there or tell them to shut up.
One of my friends became a 'born again christian' a while back, and although she doesn't try to preach to me she has tried to have discussions with others about religion. She always gets shot down so fast, and she doesn't know why. It's interesting - I think most people in general are just pissed off because they've had an earful of religious preaching for a lot of their life and they're just over it. From my perspective, I see religion as almost a cult. People that will close their eyes and hold up their hands and start praying to 'God' etc. and I'm totally freaked out. Talk about mind control. If others want to accept that kind of thing into their life, I encourage them to do it. But don't even start trying to con me into it. I've made my choice based on more than just impulse and that choice is no to religion.
Hybrid Non Synergy
Sunday, 24 September 2006, 22:40 +0800 GMT
I've run into a few colleagues/people recently who are what I call 'hybrids'. A mix of two distinct ethinicities. The most common being caucasian and asian. I know a few Irish Chinese, English Chinese and Australian Chinese people, and even a Japanese German. I myself am a hybrid, but from two caucasian backgrounds. It strikes me that these hybrid people aren't as stable as their non hybrid counterparts. Most hybrids I know are easily irritable or prone to mood swings, or just generally unhappy. Perhaps I've just gotten a biased cross section of their particular ethnic type. I don't know. I even notice it in myself, although that's possible more explainable by environmental factors. And as I said, I'm not a true 'hybrid' under my definition. Quite interesting, really. Oh, and hybrids are often really hot too, hehe :D
Sunday, 24 September 2006, 22:40 +0800 GMT
I've run into a few colleagues/people recently who are what I call 'hybrids'. A mix of two distinct ethinicities. The most common being caucasian and asian. I know a few Irish Chinese, English Chinese and Australian Chinese people, and even a Japanese German. I myself am a hybrid, but from two caucasian backgrounds. It strikes me that these hybrid people aren't as stable as their non hybrid counterparts. Most hybrids I know are easily irritable or prone to mood swings, or just generally unhappy. Perhaps I've just gotten a biased cross section of their particular ethnic type. I don't know. I even notice it in myself, although that's possible more explainable by environmental factors. And as I said, I'm not a true 'hybrid' under my definition. Quite interesting, really. Oh, and hybrids are often really hot too, hehe :D
Pop(ped) Music
Sunday, 24 September 2006, 22:34 +0800 GMT
Pop music these days seems so lifeless. I'm listening to a Paul Simon song at the moment. Probably not very 'pop', it's true...but there's so much in his music. None of this repetetive 'modularised' band music. By that I mean it almost seems that you can make music these days by singing and writing lyrics, then just drop a modular 'band' into the 'other instruments' slot of your music. Any old randoms who can play guitar and drums. Who are equally good at playing for any 'pop' band because their music is all the same. There don't seem to be too many more bands like Toto, who have such a defined sound. It upsets me, reinforces my view that the world is being more commercialised, less individual and generally more 'plastic'.
Similarly, the influences of pop music are equally as annoying. Now I found generic high school kids annoying when I was in high school myself. These days they irritate the shit out of me. Under the influence of Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera and whoever else is hot these days, they seem to have become about as dynamic and valuable as the pop music they listen to. E.g. not very. They walk around looking like hoes or wannabe gansters. I really fear for the future when I see kids like that. But I guess I know that underneath this pop music front of kids, there are the more independent bands and underground music kids (like I was in my day) who'll continue burning the flame of intelligence, logic and reason well into the future. An arrogant statement? Yes. But I believe it's also accurate.
Sunday, 24 September 2006, 22:34 +0800 GMT
Pop music these days seems so lifeless. I'm listening to a Paul Simon song at the moment. Probably not very 'pop', it's true...but there's so much in his music. None of this repetetive 'modularised' band music. By that I mean it almost seems that you can make music these days by singing and writing lyrics, then just drop a modular 'band' into the 'other instruments' slot of your music. Any old randoms who can play guitar and drums. Who are equally good at playing for any 'pop' band because their music is all the same. There don't seem to be too many more bands like Toto, who have such a defined sound. It upsets me, reinforces my view that the world is being more commercialised, less individual and generally more 'plastic'.
Similarly, the influences of pop music are equally as annoying. Now I found generic high school kids annoying when I was in high school myself. These days they irritate the shit out of me. Under the influence of Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera and whoever else is hot these days, they seem to have become about as dynamic and valuable as the pop music they listen to. E.g. not very. They walk around looking like hoes or wannabe gansters. I really fear for the future when I see kids like that. But I guess I know that underneath this pop music front of kids, there are the more independent bands and underground music kids (like I was in my day) who'll continue burning the flame of intelligence, logic and reason well into the future. An arrogant statement? Yes. But I believe it's also accurate.
Additives & Nutrients
Sunday, 24 September 2006, 22:28 +0800 GMT
I keep hearing about product additives. Food manufacturers that claim 'no additives'. I don't really care, to be honest. If colours, flavours and preservatives are added, does that bother me? A little, perhaps. I don't care about preservatives if they are not harmful to humans. Colours and flavours I do worry about a bit more. I'd prefer natural flavours and colours if possible. But for god's sake, so long as any colours and flavours added are natural or at least don't cause harm to humans, I couldn't care less.
On the topic of food, I have come to wonder just how bad cooking vegetables is compared to eating them raw. My housemates used to boil their vegetables and I was pretty averse to that - I was always taught that a lot of the nutrients leave when you tip the water out. And a lot are destroyed in the cooking process. I'd really like to know just how bad cooking is. I'd also like to know WHY you have to eat vegetables. There is obviously something in the vegetables that you need. But why do you need veges to get it? Whatever is in them should probably be able to be obtained through other sources. Would be interesting to know how to avoid eating veges >:)
Sunday, 24 September 2006, 22:28 +0800 GMT
I keep hearing about product additives. Food manufacturers that claim 'no additives'. I don't really care, to be honest. If colours, flavours and preservatives are added, does that bother me? A little, perhaps. I don't care about preservatives if they are not harmful to humans. Colours and flavours I do worry about a bit more. I'd prefer natural flavours and colours if possible. But for god's sake, so long as any colours and flavours added are natural or at least don't cause harm to humans, I couldn't care less.
On the topic of food, I have come to wonder just how bad cooking vegetables is compared to eating them raw. My housemates used to boil their vegetables and I was pretty averse to that - I was always taught that a lot of the nutrients leave when you tip the water out. And a lot are destroyed in the cooking process. I'd really like to know just how bad cooking is. I'd also like to know WHY you have to eat vegetables. There is obviously something in the vegetables that you need. But why do you need veges to get it? Whatever is in them should probably be able to be obtained through other sources. Would be interesting to know how to avoid eating veges >:)
I Like 'Real' Goths
Sunday, 17 September 2006, 23:45 +0800 GMT
Saw the 'Call Me When You're Sober' video clip by Evanescence the other day. Was entranced by it! I've never managed to pin down what *real* goth is all about. I'm not talking about all the emo-goths you see in the city, who cut themselves and walk around in daggy black clothes all the time. I'm talking about real goths. The ideology, not the results of some screwed up teens who are looking for an escape. Anyway, there are some dancers in the video clip who vault down some stairs behind Amy Lee. They've got the most awesome clothes on I've ever seen. They look 'real goth' to me, honestly. I just wish I knew where to get some! Not those exact clothes - they were female dancers. But if I could get some clothes in a similar vain but for men, it'd be awesome. Fantastic tunics with the kinds of hoods you see in movies that are always lifted back to reveal a face that causes the audience to gasp, for whateve reason. Long gloves that end at the middle of the biceps. Beautiful long flowing skirts or fantasticly tailored trousers and so on. *sigh*. I really must work out where to get clothes like that, and find out what real goth is all about.
Sunday, 17 September 2006, 23:45 +0800 GMT
Saw the 'Call Me When You're Sober' video clip by Evanescence the other day. Was entranced by it! I've never managed to pin down what *real* goth is all about. I'm not talking about all the emo-goths you see in the city, who cut themselves and walk around in daggy black clothes all the time. I'm talking about real goths. The ideology, not the results of some screwed up teens who are looking for an escape. Anyway, there are some dancers in the video clip who vault down some stairs behind Amy Lee. They've got the most awesome clothes on I've ever seen. They look 'real goth' to me, honestly. I just wish I knew where to get some! Not those exact clothes - they were female dancers. But if I could get some clothes in a similar vain but for men, it'd be awesome. Fantastic tunics with the kinds of hoods you see in movies that are always lifted back to reveal a face that causes the audience to gasp, for whateve reason. Long gloves that end at the middle of the biceps. Beautiful long flowing skirts or fantasticly tailored trousers and so on. *sigh*. I really must work out where to get clothes like that, and find out what real goth is all about.
Compatibility
Sunday, 17 September 2006, 23:21 +0800 GMT
Had an extremely interesting discussion with a good friend of mine the other day. I'd been doing some more thinking, as usual, about girlfriends. I realised I'd been thinking in a circle for years, and tried to find a way to break out of it. I rationalised many years ago that physical attraction is what initially attracts a guy to a girl. But what then? So I asked my friend about it. What he said pretty much made instant sense. Compatibility. It's not about the physical things that separate people - distance, expense, difficulty or effort required to start and maintain the relationship. It's not about the food you eat. It's more logical, intangible, meta-physical. I suppose the simple way to state it, the way most people would state it, is that you need to have some commonalities. Or have enough common interest in trying things that you don't have in common to meet in the middle. Which makes sense. Looking at that I see some changes I'll need to make if I'm ever to expand the number of potentials from not many to a few :) I mean, I'm an IT auditor, I build web pages and play games in my spare time, and that's about it. Unfortunately, there aren't too many girls out there who like to just do that all the time. And even if there are, how many would be pretty enough for the initial stage? (Sorry, I know it sounds harsh but it's the truth and it has to be said). An interesting thought, kind of a downer though too :/ An incentive to change, perhaps.
Sunday, 17 September 2006, 23:21 +0800 GMT
Had an extremely interesting discussion with a good friend of mine the other day. I'd been doing some more thinking, as usual, about girlfriends. I realised I'd been thinking in a circle for years, and tried to find a way to break out of it. I rationalised many years ago that physical attraction is what initially attracts a guy to a girl. But what then? So I asked my friend about it. What he said pretty much made instant sense. Compatibility. It's not about the physical things that separate people - distance, expense, difficulty or effort required to start and maintain the relationship. It's not about the food you eat. It's more logical, intangible, meta-physical. I suppose the simple way to state it, the way most people would state it, is that you need to have some commonalities. Or have enough common interest in trying things that you don't have in common to meet in the middle. Which makes sense. Looking at that I see some changes I'll need to make if I'm ever to expand the number of potentials from not many to a few :) I mean, I'm an IT auditor, I build web pages and play games in my spare time, and that's about it. Unfortunately, there aren't too many girls out there who like to just do that all the time. And even if there are, how many would be pretty enough for the initial stage? (Sorry, I know it sounds harsh but it's the truth and it has to be said). An interesting thought, kind of a downer though too :/ An incentive to change, perhaps.
Peter Brock & Steve Irwin - Who Gives a Shit
Sunday, 17 September 2006, 23:15 +0800 GMT
A few months ago, Peter Brock and Steve Irwin died. And everyone went psycho. People were crying and carrying on. It was all over the news for ages. And I was there, standing in the middle of it, going 'Who gives a shit'. Honestly. I despair in the human population when things like this happened. So what, a race car driver and an animal guy died. Who cares? I'm sad that they died, as I would be if any other human being died. But the stupid amount of publicity and levels of emotion from random people just shat me to tears. State funerals and the like...they're nobodies, really. Honestly. I suppose people looked up to them, and I know Irwin did good acts for charities and fund raising, tourism and the like. I just don't see the need for people to go so nuts about the fact they died. Maybe I'm just immune to it. Or maybe I'm missing something. *shrug* I just ignored it after I first heard it. No harm done.
Sunday, 17 September 2006, 23:15 +0800 GMT
A few months ago, Peter Brock and Steve Irwin died. And everyone went psycho. People were crying and carrying on. It was all over the news for ages. And I was there, standing in the middle of it, going 'Who gives a shit'. Honestly. I despair in the human population when things like this happened. So what, a race car driver and an animal guy died. Who cares? I'm sad that they died, as I would be if any other human being died. But the stupid amount of publicity and levels of emotion from random people just shat me to tears. State funerals and the like...they're nobodies, really. Honestly. I suppose people looked up to them, and I know Irwin did good acts for charities and fund raising, tourism and the like. I just don't see the need for people to go so nuts about the fact they died. Maybe I'm just immune to it. Or maybe I'm missing something. *shrug* I just ignored it after I first heard it. No harm done.
Makeup & Testing
Sunday, 17 September 2006, 23:05 +0800 GMT
If there's one thing I dislike it's makeup. I think it's really fake. People use it to make themselves what they are not. To make themselves prettier than they really are. I don't understand it. Why do they do it? To attract men? To help them manipulate men, as part of a 'survival in a male dominated world' kind of thing? I really don't know. Maybe they do it to feel better about themselves. Pretty shallow, if that's the reason. I just hate the whole industry, I don't think it adds much to the world, but costs a whole lot. Commercialised bullshit. I definitely don't think perfumes and so on should be tested on animals, definitely not - they should be tested on humans instead. the story? Protect against outside threats but never, ever forget about inside threats. They're often a lot more insidious.
Sunday, 17 September 2006, 23:05 +0800 GMT
If there's one thing I dislike it's makeup. I think it's really fake. People use it to make themselves what they are not. To make themselves prettier than they really are. I don't understand it. Why do they do it? To attract men? To help them manipulate men, as part of a 'survival in a male dominated world' kind of thing? I really don't know. Maybe they do it to feel better about themselves. Pretty shallow, if that's the reason. I just hate the whole industry, I don't think it adds much to the world, but costs a whole lot. Commercialised bullshit. I definitely don't think perfumes and so on should be tested on animals, definitely not - they should be tested on humans instead. the story? Protect against outside threats but never, ever forget about inside threats. They're often a lot more insidious.
Systems Fall From the Inside
Sunday, 17 September 2006, 22:52 +0800 GMT
One of my observations of the world is that systems often tend to fail from the inside. The thought was prompted when I waswatching Aeon Flux the other day. In the movie, all humans have become sterile for some reason and there aren't many left - they live in a small community circled by a massive stone fence. A scientist has become the 'king' of the community and there is heavy security imposed by him and his 'council'. The scientist is actually working on a cure for the sterility, while in the meantime he clones people and artificially inserts them into women to keep the popultion believing they are actually still virile. The whole system comes crumbling down when the scientist's brother, who is on the council, seizes control. A group of rebels against the system cause havoc and eventually the 'coup' and the actions of the rebels bring the whole government down.
And it's similar to what you see happen all over the place. It's why governments collapse. It's what happens during coups. Systems crash from the inside. Which is often where they are most vulnerable. An analogy is a company network. Protected from a lot of harm from external sources by beefy firewalls between their ISPs and their internal networks. But the internal networks probably aren't protected much at all. Switches permit direct access, often without firewall protection, to other internal network systems. Which means someone *inside* the system has a much higher chance to bring the system down that someone on the outside.
The motto of the story? Protect against outside threats but never, ever forget about inside threats. They're often a lot more insidious.
Sunday, 17 September 2006, 22:52 +0800 GMT
One of my observations of the world is that systems often tend to fail from the inside. The thought was prompted when I waswatching Aeon Flux the other day. In the movie, all humans have become sterile for some reason and there aren't many left - they live in a small community circled by a massive stone fence. A scientist has become the 'king' of the community and there is heavy security imposed by him and his 'council'. The scientist is actually working on a cure for the sterility, while in the meantime he clones people and artificially inserts them into women to keep the popultion believing they are actually still virile. The whole system comes crumbling down when the scientist's brother, who is on the council, seizes control. A group of rebels against the system cause havoc and eventually the 'coup' and the actions of the rebels bring the whole government down.
And it's similar to what you see happen all over the place. It's why governments collapse. It's what happens during coups. Systems crash from the inside. Which is often where they are most vulnerable. An analogy is a company network. Protected from a lot of harm from external sources by beefy firewalls between their ISPs and their internal networks. But the internal networks probably aren't protected much at all. Switches permit direct access, often without firewall protection, to other internal network systems. Which means someone *inside* the system has a much higher chance to bring the system down that someone on the outside.
The motto of the story? Protect against outside threats but never, ever forget about inside threats. They're often a lot more insidious.
Trust No-one (Online, At Least)
Sunday, 17 September 2006, 21:53 +0800 GMT
Exactly what the title says. You see, the problem with the Internet in general is that the things that keep conversations in the real world relatively civil normally are absent. The ability to see the person you're conversing with, the ability to make realistic threats, the non verbal language and cues and so on. It is just so easy to tell someone to shut the fuck up or fuck off and die over the Internet. It brings out the worst in humanity, simply because you're hidden behind a screen. It's just as easy to hurt someone on the Internet as it is in real life in terms of what you say, but it's so much easier to actually say those things on the Internet.
Slightly off topic, but in the end, you can never trust anyone online unless you know them personally. And even then, it's so much easier to lie on the Internet. My general rule - trust nothing, and nobody.
Sunday, 17 September 2006, 21:53 +0800 GMT
Exactly what the title says. You see, the problem with the Internet in general is that the things that keep conversations in the real world relatively civil normally are absent. The ability to see the person you're conversing with, the ability to make realistic threats, the non verbal language and cues and so on. It is just so easy to tell someone to shut the fuck up or fuck off and die over the Internet. It brings out the worst in humanity, simply because you're hidden behind a screen. It's just as easy to hurt someone on the Internet as it is in real life in terms of what you say, but it's so much easier to actually say those things on the Internet.
Slightly off topic, but in the end, you can never trust anyone online unless you know them personally. And even then, it's so much easier to lie on the Internet. My general rule - trust nothing, and nobody.
Uncle's Take on Girls
Sunday, 17 September 2006, 21:46 +0800 GMT
My manager told me some of his stories from when he was in uni in Singapore and working for a few years after he graduated. He's a very confident guy and he 'got with' a lot of women in his time, while he was there. He'd take lots of colleagues out for dinner, romance them and so on. I forget entirely what this entry was supposed to be about (I put it down as a title to write about a long time ago and have only just gotten around to writing it) but it was something about his take on women. He told me once how he was played by a girl. How a lot of guys were after her and how he was confident enough to get in there and get her. He slept with her one night, but before he did, she asked him what his intentions were. He told me that his intentions were honourable - to go out with her as a girlfriend after the night, so they ended up sleeping together. The next week he met her at uni and she wouldn't have any of it. She essentially ignored him. But still talked to him. Not ashamed at having slept with him - she totally played him. She didn't want to go out with him, but she let him think that anyway. I don't know what she gained. Power, I suppose. Power over the guy ... although I don't think having to have sex to get that power is worth it, really. Unless you're a bit of a slut. But anyway, let's not go down that path. The fact was, he said to be careful, because there are women out there who will play you. He kind of implied that I'd be an easy target for this kind of thing, as I'm so inexperienced. It's ironic. Often we talk about girls and he'll always tell me I never go out enough. That it's no wonder I don't have a girlfriend because all I do all day is work, play games and watch DVDs. He says to go out and meet people. Then he tells me to be careful of girls trying to play me. I'm like...wah! Hehe I doubt it's so dangerous out there. I have no doubt there are women out there like that but I'm so paranoid that I don't think it'd ever happen. Still, it was an interesting discussion and I enjoy talking to him about things like this.
Sunday, 17 September 2006, 21:46 +0800 GMT
My manager told me some of his stories from when he was in uni in Singapore and working for a few years after he graduated. He's a very confident guy and he 'got with' a lot of women in his time, while he was there. He'd take lots of colleagues out for dinner, romance them and so on. I forget entirely what this entry was supposed to be about (I put it down as a title to write about a long time ago and have only just gotten around to writing it) but it was something about his take on women. He told me once how he was played by a girl. How a lot of guys were after her and how he was confident enough to get in there and get her. He slept with her one night, but before he did, she asked him what his intentions were. He told me that his intentions were honourable - to go out with her as a girlfriend after the night, so they ended up sleeping together. The next week he met her at uni and she wouldn't have any of it. She essentially ignored him. But still talked to him. Not ashamed at having slept with him - she totally played him. She didn't want to go out with him, but she let him think that anyway. I don't know what she gained. Power, I suppose. Power over the guy ... although I don't think having to have sex to get that power is worth it, really. Unless you're a bit of a slut. But anyway, let's not go down that path. The fact was, he said to be careful, because there are women out there who will play you. He kind of implied that I'd be an easy target for this kind of thing, as I'm so inexperienced. It's ironic. Often we talk about girls and he'll always tell me I never go out enough. That it's no wonder I don't have a girlfriend because all I do all day is work, play games and watch DVDs. He says to go out and meet people. Then he tells me to be careful of girls trying to play me. I'm like...wah! Hehe I doubt it's so dangerous out there. I have no doubt there are women out there like that but I'm so paranoid that I don't think it'd ever happen. Still, it was an interesting discussion and I enjoy talking to him about things like this.
Path To Righteousness (Blah, Blah, Blah)
Sunday, 17 September 2006, 21:35 +0800 GMT
It strikes me that there is almost always someone in a group that takes the 'righteous' path. Someone who always takes offence to something that is said. Now, sometimes it's valid. Some of the guys at work can be pretty (or very) crude, and I can see why people get offended by it. Hell, it offends me sometimes. I'm of the school that the more you take offence to, the less fun you're going to have in life. People these days are really good at talking about all kinds of offensive subjects quite openly, and you'll forever be getting offended. At the same time, some things are just taking it too far.
On the whole I don't like it when people take offence to certain things. I find that more often than not people get offended about stupid little things that just aren't worth it. And I don't have time for it. I acknowledge the fact they're offended, but really, I don't care all that much. If they are deliberately being offended or are the main focus of the conversation then yes, I'll back them up. But if they're just listening in, they should go away instead of bitching. Naturally, I have to be careful here - I encourage people to say what they think so I won't be a hypocrit and say they shouldn't. Still...I think people have a right to be able to talk about almost anything they want to talk about. If you don't like it, you can state it, and then leave. Or turn the conversation to something else. I don't think you have a right to tell people they are bad (unless they are talking about something that really IS bad). If a guy is talking about bonking some girl, I don't think that's necessarily bad. Naturally, if that girl is under 18 then it's terrible and he should be told to shut up. It's all a matter of balance...a very very tough call though, admittedly. When does the subject get 'too bad' so that the person talking becomes in the wrong, and deserves to be 'busted'. And subsequently, when does the person who is offended not deserve to shout and scream that the conversation is 'bad'? I take it as it comes, personally, and make the call each time it happens. Which is not often, thankfully :)
Sunday, 17 September 2006, 21:35 +0800 GMT
It strikes me that there is almost always someone in a group that takes the 'righteous' path. Someone who always takes offence to something that is said. Now, sometimes it's valid. Some of the guys at work can be pretty (or very) crude, and I can see why people get offended by it. Hell, it offends me sometimes. I'm of the school that the more you take offence to, the less fun you're going to have in life. People these days are really good at talking about all kinds of offensive subjects quite openly, and you'll forever be getting offended. At the same time, some things are just taking it too far.
On the whole I don't like it when people take offence to certain things. I find that more often than not people get offended about stupid little things that just aren't worth it. And I don't have time for it. I acknowledge the fact they're offended, but really, I don't care all that much. If they are deliberately being offended or are the main focus of the conversation then yes, I'll back them up. But if they're just listening in, they should go away instead of bitching. Naturally, I have to be careful here - I encourage people to say what they think so I won't be a hypocrit and say they shouldn't. Still...I think people have a right to be able to talk about almost anything they want to talk about. If you don't like it, you can state it, and then leave. Or turn the conversation to something else. I don't think you have a right to tell people they are bad (unless they are talking about something that really IS bad). If a guy is talking about bonking some girl, I don't think that's necessarily bad. Naturally, if that girl is under 18 then it's terrible and he should be told to shut up. It's all a matter of balance...a very very tough call though, admittedly. When does the subject get 'too bad' so that the person talking becomes in the wrong, and deserves to be 'busted'. And subsequently, when does the person who is offended not deserve to shout and scream that the conversation is 'bad'? I take it as it comes, personally, and make the call each time it happens. Which is not often, thankfully :)
I Am Unable To Run (To Japan)
Sunday, 10 September 2006, 20:42 +0800 GMT
At this point in my life, I would like to just run away to Japan. Pick up and leave. Take my relatively meagre savings and run over there with the hope of obtaining a job and a visa to work. And to possibly stay there forever. Can I do that? Well, in theory, yes. I read a guide that said you'd need at least $5,000 plus whatever money you needed to get back to your origin country and get a job, should you not be able to find one in Japan. I don't have much tying me to this place. It wouldn't be difficult for me to pick up and leave. Why don't I? Well...I know how hard it can be to get a job. I don't want to go there only to come slinking back, tail between legs. I can't speak any Japanese, and although I'm willing to learn it'd obviously be a disadvantage when it came to getting a job! *sigh* being an auditor means I'm just so risk averse it's not funny hehe. I suppose that's why I'm trying to get into JET ... so I can get over there with a means to work as well =) If I do get in that way I might try to get my contract extended...think can get it done up to 3 or 5 years if you're good enough. Would be awesome :)
Sunday, 10 September 2006, 20:42 +0800 GMT
At this point in my life, I would like to just run away to Japan. Pick up and leave. Take my relatively meagre savings and run over there with the hope of obtaining a job and a visa to work. And to possibly stay there forever. Can I do that? Well, in theory, yes. I read a guide that said you'd need at least $5,000 plus whatever money you needed to get back to your origin country and get a job, should you not be able to find one in Japan. I don't have much tying me to this place. It wouldn't be difficult for me to pick up and leave. Why don't I? Well...I know how hard it can be to get a job. I don't want to go there only to come slinking back, tail between legs. I can't speak any Japanese, and although I'm willing to learn it'd obviously be a disadvantage when it came to getting a job! *sigh* being an auditor means I'm just so risk averse it's not funny hehe. I suppose that's why I'm trying to get into JET ... so I can get over there with a means to work as well =) If I do get in that way I might try to get my contract extended...think can get it done up to 3 or 5 years if you're good enough. Would be awesome :)
The Power of Suggestion (Planting The Seeds)
Sunday, 10 September 2006, 20:34 +0800 GMT
The power of suggestion is one of the most amazing forces on this planet. Way back in Othello, it was the suggestion of unfaithfulness (although it was in fact not true) that undid Othello and his wife (and ironically, the Machiavellian bad guy, Iago). The planting of seeds in people's brain that then grow according to their own points of views and takes on life. It can be used for literally anything - seduction, obtaining power, indirect murder. In many ways, there isn't really much good about suggestion. If it's used honourably it can be used to convince someone of the truth - that's probably the best we can hope for, really. It's an interesting concept. Something to be aware of, to acknowledge when building one's own mental defences against the ravages of the 'civilized' world.
Sunday, 10 September 2006, 20:34 +0800 GMT
The power of suggestion is one of the most amazing forces on this planet. Way back in Othello, it was the suggestion of unfaithfulness (although it was in fact not true) that undid Othello and his wife (and ironically, the Machiavellian bad guy, Iago). The planting of seeds in people's brain that then grow according to their own points of views and takes on life. It can be used for literally anything - seduction, obtaining power, indirect murder. In many ways, there isn't really much good about suggestion. If it's used honourably it can be used to convince someone of the truth - that's probably the best we can hope for, really. It's an interesting concept. Something to be aware of, to acknowledge when building one's own mental defences against the ravages of the 'civilized' world.
Saying What You (I) Think
Sunday, 10 September 2006, 20:23 +0800 GMT
Saying what I think is becoming increasingly more important to me. Stating my opinion and making decisions as a leader. I'm not very good at it yet but it feels liberating and the right thing to do. If you don't say what you think, then you end up as a pathetic, trodden on silent majority. Things will happen to you that you don't like, but are too pansy to speak out against. To those of you who know me, this will seem a strange thing to say, very out of character. But if you know me well enough you'll realise there is a fire that burns in me, way down beneath all my layers of deference and silence. And it's beginning to become more intense >:) Obviously, taking things too far is also a bad thing! Learning a balance between stating your opinion and listening to others/using tact is also important. I'm just going to keep practicing speaking out and being heard, and learning to deal with the consequences of those actions (conflict, apologies and so on).
Sunday, 10 September 2006, 20:23 +0800 GMT
Saying what I think is becoming increasingly more important to me. Stating my opinion and making decisions as a leader. I'm not very good at it yet but it feels liberating and the right thing to do. If you don't say what you think, then you end up as a pathetic, trodden on silent majority. Things will happen to you that you don't like, but are too pansy to speak out against. To those of you who know me, this will seem a strange thing to say, very out of character. But if you know me well enough you'll realise there is a fire that burns in me, way down beneath all my layers of deference and silence. And it's beginning to become more intense >:) Obviously, taking things too far is also a bad thing! Learning a balance between stating your opinion and listening to others/using tact is also important. I'm just going to keep practicing speaking out and being heard, and learning to deal with the consequences of those actions (conflict, apologies and so on).
Immaturity
Sunday, 10 September 2006, 20:19 +0800 GMT
I realised the other day I really am very immature. I find crude things funny, I get hooked on little sayings that I'll just keep saying over and over. I play games as my main source of entertainment and throw tantrums when I get beaten too much. And I suppose it does bother me quite a bit. Seeing as I'm now 23 years old. But what does maturity entail? Maybe I'm not ready for it. I'm mature enough to hold a professional services job, have responsibilities and so on. But my actions at times outside those are often immature. I wonder how to, and even if I need to, deal with that? I think perhaps the time has come to mature a little. Perhaps it's not about losing my relatively easy going fun/silly side. It's more about controlling it, thinking more about what I do and say before I do/say it.
Sunday, 10 September 2006, 20:19 +0800 GMT
I realised the other day I really am very immature. I find crude things funny, I get hooked on little sayings that I'll just keep saying over and over. I play games as my main source of entertainment and throw tantrums when I get beaten too much. And I suppose it does bother me quite a bit. Seeing as I'm now 23 years old. But what does maturity entail? Maybe I'm not ready for it. I'm mature enough to hold a professional services job, have responsibilities and so on. But my actions at times outside those are often immature. I wonder how to, and even if I need to, deal with that? I think perhaps the time has come to mature a little. Perhaps it's not about losing my relatively easy going fun/silly side. It's more about controlling it, thinking more about what I do and say before I do/say it.
The Book
Sunday, 10 September 2006, 20:13 +0800 GMT
My friend recently showed me a book she was reading. Produced by a religious press, it was about the pressures girls have on them these days to have sex. And how it's a betrayal of themselves. I'm not religious at all and I'm usually cyncial and cautious of religious press books, but this one seemed to have great merit. What it was saying is that girls don't always make their own decision about whether to have sex or not. That the choice almost isn't theirs. With so much sexual content in movies and advertising these days, it's almost like sex has become the norm and it all impacts on girls, making them more susceptible to just going for it without thinking. What was most chilling about the book though was that it really implied sex isn't always a choice. The ramifications are pretty big. Imagine, as a guy, if you went out and picked up someone and then through mutual discussion and consent, you had sex. The problem is, you don't REALLY know if the girl has consented. Has she really thought about sex, and I mean REALLY thought about it. Not just the pressures on her through movies/friends/advertising saying that sex is ok and good and so on. As in, is this something I am ready for, that I want to do. Is this act something I want to do with someone I hardly know, and am not likely to ever see again.
The big impact for me is that even if I was in a situation one day to have sex with someone (despite how unlikely that is :D) in a 'non-nuptial' way (e.g. a one night stand), I couldn't do it. Because I wouldn't know if the girl was really really really consenting, or just going with the flow. Hell, it's not just her who wouldn't know. I've never really thought about it that way either. Goes back to the old 'we have sex because we're programmed to reproduce' kind of thinking. Scary, really...anyway, glad I've worked it out...something to think about in case any of those situations do pop up!
Sunday, 10 September 2006, 20:13 +0800 GMT
My friend recently showed me a book she was reading. Produced by a religious press, it was about the pressures girls have on them these days to have sex. And how it's a betrayal of themselves. I'm not religious at all and I'm usually cyncial and cautious of religious press books, but this one seemed to have great merit. What it was saying is that girls don't always make their own decision about whether to have sex or not. That the choice almost isn't theirs. With so much sexual content in movies and advertising these days, it's almost like sex has become the norm and it all impacts on girls, making them more susceptible to just going for it without thinking. What was most chilling about the book though was that it really implied sex isn't always a choice. The ramifications are pretty big. Imagine, as a guy, if you went out and picked up someone and then through mutual discussion and consent, you had sex. The problem is, you don't REALLY know if the girl has consented. Has she really thought about sex, and I mean REALLY thought about it. Not just the pressures on her through movies/friends/advertising saying that sex is ok and good and so on. As in, is this something I am ready for, that I want to do. Is this act something I want to do with someone I hardly know, and am not likely to ever see again.
The big impact for me is that even if I was in a situation one day to have sex with someone (despite how unlikely that is :D) in a 'non-nuptial' way (e.g. a one night stand), I couldn't do it. Because I wouldn't know if the girl was really really really consenting, or just going with the flow. Hell, it's not just her who wouldn't know. I've never really thought about it that way either. Goes back to the old 'we have sex because we're programmed to reproduce' kind of thinking. Scary, really...anyway, glad I've worked it out...something to think about in case any of those situations do pop up!
Future Fashion
Sunday, 10 September 2006, 19:57 +0800 GMT
I often wonder who drives fashion. Who decides that this summer, green will be the colour. And that long hippie skirts will be in. And flared trousers. And semi see through boob tubes, and god knows what else. I really wonder who controls it all. I doubt it's the people who wear it...they are but slaves to the trends of fashion created by someone else...
Sunday, 10 September 2006, 19:57 +0800 GMT
I often wonder who drives fashion. Who decides that this summer, green will be the colour. And that long hippie skirts will be in. And flared trousers. And semi see through boob tubes, and god knows what else. I really wonder who controls it all. I doubt it's the people who wear it...they are but slaves to the trends of fashion created by someone else...
Melbourne Trip
Sunday, 10 September 2006, 19:52 +0800 GMT
Went on a trip to Melbourne recently with two colleagues from work. Both my friends, one a lot closer than the other. It was always going to be an interesting trip, with the other two at the beginning of an evolving relationship. Overall, it was quite fun. But it was also extremely stressful. We booked it a long time ago and at the time, I wasn't entirely sure about one of my colleagues coming. The other colleague invited them without asking me, and although I objected at the time I wasn't about to stop them coming. It wasn't that I didn't like the person, just that I didn't know them well enough yet to really want to go on a holiday with them. Anyway, I got to know them better between when we booked and when we actually left, so it wasn't so bad. Still not my first choice to go away with, but could definitely have done worse.
My stress levels at work were very high the few weeks before we went away, so I was looking forward to a nice relaxing holiday. Of course, it wasn't :P First stress - transport. My friend is notoriously bad for being on time, for anything. Admittedly I've become worse at a few things, but airports are not one of them. I am very mindful of getting to the airport with enough time. Luckily, my friend didn't turn up TOO late - about 20 minutes after us and with 10 minutes to spare before it became critical. Unfortunately we ended up at the wrong terminal gates (Qantas rather than Virgin) and had to run all the way back to the Virgin gates, which meant we were pushing time more than a little. Unfortunately, my friend got stuck at the Virgin x-ray machines. She went through Qantas fine but these people were going nuts about something in her bag. They never did work out what it was, but let her through anyway, thankfully. I was pretty irritated by this time. I'm really not good under stress and essentially I was annoyed with my friend more than a little. Which was somewhat justified, somewhat not. She did run late, she did have some weird things in her bag. But at the same time, it wasn't her fault they couldn't tell what was in her bag or that she got held up - Qantas didn't care so it can't have been that bad. In the end my friend said to just go ahead to the plane, so I did. I remember thinking that I was going to board that plane whether she did or not. Feel bad about that now, but at the time I was stressed and annoyed. Anyway, we stopped before the plane to wait for her and she did make it through. So we all got to Melbourne happily and safely.
Jumped into the hotel, feeling pretty ordinary. Instead of being sensible and sleeping I stayed up late while the others went for a walk in Melbourne. Of course, it would have been going off, because it was a Saturday night. We totally missed the two party nights really, as we got into Melbourne at midnight on the Saturday. Eventually they came back with food and we ate and stayed up late until about 5am hehe. Woke up and just bummed around the hotel a bit on Sunday, till about 2pm. Wandered around Chinatown a bit and had dim sum at the Shark Fin House, one of the best dim sum places in Melbourne. Was great! Forget what we did after that, but we ended up at a really cool Teppanyaki restaurant for dinner. With a really hot waitress :P It was good. We had saki and plum wine while we ate. Was a great show and very very tasty food. Stayed up late again that night. Think we wandered over to Crown Casino quite late, but Cafe Greco was already closing. So we wandered back. I was pretty tired. Slept very late again that night hehe. Can't remember what we were doing, actually. Not unusual =)
Monday was Melbourne exploration day. We wandered to meet some of our Melbourne colleagues then up to the Rialto and around and about. Went to Laigon Street for dinner, had pizza and pasta at Universal Pizza, was quite good. Then wandered up to Cocoa Black to get some chocolate. Bought some for a good friend of mine back at work. Back to the hotel and then had a quick walk around the east side of Melbourne at night. Ended up at the ever present Crown Casino for some coffee and cake, but Greco was closed again. My friends decided to have cake elsewhere but I was tired so wandered back to the hotel and watched Universal Soldier haha. Stayed up stupidly late again.
Tuesday was a pretty stressful day. I was still very tired and hence quite agro. My friend was as well. Which made for an interesting day. My friend just wanted to do too much in the time we had, and got annoyed that we couldn't. I was getting increasingly frustrated with the attitude. It all got nasty when my friend ended up wandering away from us in a shopping centre. My other friend and I let them go, giving some space, only to call them later and find they were half way across Melbourne, shopping. And hadn't told us. Annoyed, we went to meet them, only to find they weren't where they said they'd be. I was now beyond annoyed, I was angry. So I convinced my friend we should just leave them there and go off to the botanical gardens on our own. My friend got a call a while later from our now estranged friend, asking where we were because we hadn't met up. We trudged back and met up, all now extremely frustrated. My friends were at complete odds with one another, and I believe the one who walked away was in the wrong and the other friend did a great job trying to understand and fix the situation. Obviously the other friend didn't see it that way. So stressed and annoyed and angry now, I just said I was going and left. The break was nice, let me de-stress and de-anger a bit.
We all met up later, everyone a bit happier, and headed to dinner at a place called Chocolate Buddha in Federation Square. Was really nice, and we had coffee and cake at the Cafe Greco later. Was a great way to end the final night in Melbourne. That was, before we hit the casino. My friend (the 'walk away' one) was in a really shitty mood again. My other friend and I were very very tired but didn't want to leave annoyed friend on her own. So we stayed with her until again, I was so annoyed I just had to leave. My poor other friend had to take another one for the team. Eventually we all ended up back at the hotel and everyone was happy again. Very very strange.
Day after we were all very tired but in pretty good moods. Grabbed some food at a great French Patisserie and then headed back to the hotel to fly back home. Uneventful after that until I arrived home :) All in all it was a great trip. Any trip to Melbourne is great, it's a super city. Although to be honest, it was far too stressful a trip. The two people I was with are not good travelling partners, especially when they're just beginning a relationship with one another. I don't think I will travel with them again. They're obviously still great friends, just in small doses...or at least, until they sort out their relationship and generally become less stressed out :) Look who's talking haha.
Sunday, 10 September 2006, 19:52 +0800 GMT
Went on a trip to Melbourne recently with two colleagues from work. Both my friends, one a lot closer than the other. It was always going to be an interesting trip, with the other two at the beginning of an evolving relationship. Overall, it was quite fun. But it was also extremely stressful. We booked it a long time ago and at the time, I wasn't entirely sure about one of my colleagues coming. The other colleague invited them without asking me, and although I objected at the time I wasn't about to stop them coming. It wasn't that I didn't like the person, just that I didn't know them well enough yet to really want to go on a holiday with them. Anyway, I got to know them better between when we booked and when we actually left, so it wasn't so bad. Still not my first choice to go away with, but could definitely have done worse.
My stress levels at work were very high the few weeks before we went away, so I was looking forward to a nice relaxing holiday. Of course, it wasn't :P First stress - transport. My friend is notoriously bad for being on time, for anything. Admittedly I've become worse at a few things, but airports are not one of them. I am very mindful of getting to the airport with enough time. Luckily, my friend didn't turn up TOO late - about 20 minutes after us and with 10 minutes to spare before it became critical. Unfortunately we ended up at the wrong terminal gates (Qantas rather than Virgin) and had to run all the way back to the Virgin gates, which meant we were pushing time more than a little. Unfortunately, my friend got stuck at the Virgin x-ray machines. She went through Qantas fine but these people were going nuts about something in her bag. They never did work out what it was, but let her through anyway, thankfully. I was pretty irritated by this time. I'm really not good under stress and essentially I was annoyed with my friend more than a little. Which was somewhat justified, somewhat not. She did run late, she did have some weird things in her bag. But at the same time, it wasn't her fault they couldn't tell what was in her bag or that she got held up - Qantas didn't care so it can't have been that bad. In the end my friend said to just go ahead to the plane, so I did. I remember thinking that I was going to board that plane whether she did or not. Feel bad about that now, but at the time I was stressed and annoyed. Anyway, we stopped before the plane to wait for her and she did make it through. So we all got to Melbourne happily and safely.
Jumped into the hotel, feeling pretty ordinary. Instead of being sensible and sleeping I stayed up late while the others went for a walk in Melbourne. Of course, it would have been going off, because it was a Saturday night. We totally missed the two party nights really, as we got into Melbourne at midnight on the Saturday. Eventually they came back with food and we ate and stayed up late until about 5am hehe. Woke up and just bummed around the hotel a bit on Sunday, till about 2pm. Wandered around Chinatown a bit and had dim sum at the Shark Fin House, one of the best dim sum places in Melbourne. Was great! Forget what we did after that, but we ended up at a really cool Teppanyaki restaurant for dinner. With a really hot waitress :P It was good. We had saki and plum wine while we ate. Was a great show and very very tasty food. Stayed up late again that night. Think we wandered over to Crown Casino quite late, but Cafe Greco was already closing. So we wandered back. I was pretty tired. Slept very late again that night hehe. Can't remember what we were doing, actually. Not unusual =)
Monday was Melbourne exploration day. We wandered to meet some of our Melbourne colleagues then up to the Rialto and around and about. Went to Laigon Street for dinner, had pizza and pasta at Universal Pizza, was quite good. Then wandered up to Cocoa Black to get some chocolate. Bought some for a good friend of mine back at work. Back to the hotel and then had a quick walk around the east side of Melbourne at night. Ended up at the ever present Crown Casino for some coffee and cake, but Greco was closed again. My friends decided to have cake elsewhere but I was tired so wandered back to the hotel and watched Universal Soldier haha. Stayed up stupidly late again.
Tuesday was a pretty stressful day. I was still very tired and hence quite agro. My friend was as well. Which made for an interesting day. My friend just wanted to do too much in the time we had, and got annoyed that we couldn't. I was getting increasingly frustrated with the attitude. It all got nasty when my friend ended up wandering away from us in a shopping centre. My other friend and I let them go, giving some space, only to call them later and find they were half way across Melbourne, shopping. And hadn't told us. Annoyed, we went to meet them, only to find they weren't where they said they'd be. I was now beyond annoyed, I was angry. So I convinced my friend we should just leave them there and go off to the botanical gardens on our own. My friend got a call a while later from our now estranged friend, asking where we were because we hadn't met up. We trudged back and met up, all now extremely frustrated. My friends were at complete odds with one another, and I believe the one who walked away was in the wrong and the other friend did a great job trying to understand and fix the situation. Obviously the other friend didn't see it that way. So stressed and annoyed and angry now, I just said I was going and left. The break was nice, let me de-stress and de-anger a bit.
We all met up later, everyone a bit happier, and headed to dinner at a place called Chocolate Buddha in Federation Square. Was really nice, and we had coffee and cake at the Cafe Greco later. Was a great way to end the final night in Melbourne. That was, before we hit the casino. My friend (the 'walk away' one) was in a really shitty mood again. My other friend and I were very very tired but didn't want to leave annoyed friend on her own. So we stayed with her until again, I was so annoyed I just had to leave. My poor other friend had to take another one for the team. Eventually we all ended up back at the hotel and everyone was happy again. Very very strange.
Day after we were all very tired but in pretty good moods. Grabbed some food at a great French Patisserie and then headed back to the hotel to fly back home. Uneventful after that until I arrived home :) All in all it was a great trip. Any trip to Melbourne is great, it's a super city. Although to be honest, it was far too stressful a trip. The two people I was with are not good travelling partners, especially when they're just beginning a relationship with one another. I don't think I will travel with them again. They're obviously still great friends, just in small doses...or at least, until they sort out their relationship and generally become less stressed out :) Look who's talking haha.
The Lure of Physical Attraction
Friday, 01 September 2006, 22:31 +0800 GMT
I've mentioned on here many times before I'm really not much for physical contact. A while ago we had a housewarming party and it ended up with a few people chasing each other round tickling each other. Pretty normal for our group hehe. For some reason I somehow ended up involved in it all. I'm insanely ticklish so I ended up on the floor writhing around trying to grab arms and stop them. One of the girls involved in it is someone I don't really know all that well - good friend of a good friend, etc. She's quite attractive, in a non-asian kind of way (weird, I know!) - but she's not someone I'd ever be interested in. Which is why I was surprised about how...not necessarily attractive, but exciting she was when we were chasing each other around. I'd be grabbing her arms etc while she was trying to poke me, and we'd end up very close to each other. It's similar to what happened in Melbourne last year (read lower entry). My feelings about this are nearing ambivolence. It's really tough! On the one hand, I was horrified, because I'm really not interested in her in that way, and because in such close proximity I was worried about ... well, you know what happens when a guy gets excited. On the other hand, I enjoyed being a bit more ... flexible, about being physical. I enjoyed the contact, and it felt normal. Not sure about the excited bit, but definitely enjoyed the close proximity of another human being. So all in all, a very very confusing time.
Friday, 01 September 2006, 22:31 +0800 GMT
I've mentioned on here many times before I'm really not much for physical contact. A while ago we had a housewarming party and it ended up with a few people chasing each other round tickling each other. Pretty normal for our group hehe. For some reason I somehow ended up involved in it all. I'm insanely ticklish so I ended up on the floor writhing around trying to grab arms and stop them. One of the girls involved in it is someone I don't really know all that well - good friend of a good friend, etc. She's quite attractive, in a non-asian kind of way (weird, I know!) - but she's not someone I'd ever be interested in. Which is why I was surprised about how...not necessarily attractive, but exciting she was when we were chasing each other around. I'd be grabbing her arms etc while she was trying to poke me, and we'd end up very close to each other. It's similar to what happened in Melbourne last year (read lower entry). My feelings about this are nearing ambivolence. It's really tough! On the one hand, I was horrified, because I'm really not interested in her in that way, and because in such close proximity I was worried about ... well, you know what happens when a guy gets excited. On the other hand, I enjoyed being a bit more ... flexible, about being physical. I enjoyed the contact, and it felt normal. Not sure about the excited bit, but definitely enjoyed the close proximity of another human being. So all in all, a very very confusing time.
Boobs
Friday, 01 September 2006, 22:25 +0800 GMT
I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past few weeks about the human brain, and the relics of our distant past it still carries. You see, I believe there are two components to the brain - a high level, 'educated 21st century' component that lives in the now and is very complex. And a much less complex lower level brain that is a relic of our distant ancenstry.
Think about it. We know quite a bit about our brains these days. Primarily because we're still alive and are experiencing them right now. Sure, we don't know a lot about HOW they work but we know who we are, what we feel etc. and that most of that comes from our brains. Comparitively, we don't know a lot about the brains of our ancestors (for the same reasons, just in reverse). But we seem to know a bit about how they lived. It seems to me that back then, our brains were pretty much set on a few things - eating (and hunting/gathering to get there), sleeping, passing waste and reproducing. And that's pretty much it. How many concepts, theories and suchlike do you know of that are attributed to cave-people? Not many. Yet it would seem that we have them to thank for physically being here today. Ironic.
That aside, the key to this is that back then, they had those low level driving forces. I believe that those forces live on in our brains today, in the lower level component of our brain. Over the top of this lower level component, we've evolved and become more intelligent, etc. This is the higher level of our brain. The way I see it, these two levels aren't entirely compatible. Naturally, the higher level brain tends to be the one that is in 'control' most of the time. But sometimes, and I'm sure that almost everyone has felt this before, we tend to do or feel things we can't explain with our higher level brain. For example, physical attraction. Can you explain WHY you find a certain person attractive? I doubt it. By that, I mean REALLY explain why - besides just saying they've got a nice butt/legs/boobs/face or whatever. I think the reason we can't explain it is because it's not an intellectual concept. It's not a thought evoking process that generates the attraction. We don't know why because it's the 'dumber', more primeval lower level brain kicking in. Essentially saying, reproduce. It's the same reason why if someone hits you, you'll more than likely feel a sudden rush of adrenalin and an urge to hit them back. I've experienced it once, and it took all of my intellectual level brain willpower to push back the urge to fight.
It's such an interesting mix ... the lower and higher levels. For the sake of joining two journal entries into one, one particular area I find interesting is the pre-disposition of men to boobs. I have no idea what it is or what causes it. It's very disturbing. Because let's face it, they're just giant lumps of fat, and there's not much attractive about that!! And if I really think about it they're really not that attractive to me. It's just this weird almost sub-conscious feeling that overtakes logic and reason in my brain whenever I see them. It makes sense, I suppose, given the above. One of those ancient things the human was designed to feel - the means by which humans are attracted to one another and hence the cause of reproduction and continuance of the species.
Which makes you wonder where it all came from. These days, relationships and so on are born of what we call 'love', not from need. Our need to reproduce is now not an issue - there are so many of us that the chance of us going extinct is minimal, barring a comet impact, another ice age, a global plague, nuclear warfare etc. Reminds me of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. When your 'safety' factors near the bottom aren't fulfilled, your need to reproduce is high to bolster the numbers of your species. When you get enough of you, your need drops - you can team up to defeat predators and so on. You don't NEED to reproduce. Within this new safety net you can evolve intelligence and so on. Until you get to where we are now. We no longer need to reproduce, and hence the whole new layer of complexity over relationships. You choose to be with someone now because you want to, because you like them - not because you need to. It's pretty interesting, huh!
Friday, 01 September 2006, 22:25 +0800 GMT
I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past few weeks about the human brain, and the relics of our distant past it still carries. You see, I believe there are two components to the brain - a high level, 'educated 21st century' component that lives in the now and is very complex. And a much less complex lower level brain that is a relic of our distant ancenstry.
Think about it. We know quite a bit about our brains these days. Primarily because we're still alive and are experiencing them right now. Sure, we don't know a lot about HOW they work but we know who we are, what we feel etc. and that most of that comes from our brains. Comparitively, we don't know a lot about the brains of our ancestors (for the same reasons, just in reverse). But we seem to know a bit about how they lived. It seems to me that back then, our brains were pretty much set on a few things - eating (and hunting/gathering to get there), sleeping, passing waste and reproducing. And that's pretty much it. How many concepts, theories and suchlike do you know of that are attributed to cave-people? Not many. Yet it would seem that we have them to thank for physically being here today. Ironic.
That aside, the key to this is that back then, they had those low level driving forces. I believe that those forces live on in our brains today, in the lower level component of our brain. Over the top of this lower level component, we've evolved and become more intelligent, etc. This is the higher level of our brain. The way I see it, these two levels aren't entirely compatible. Naturally, the higher level brain tends to be the one that is in 'control' most of the time. But sometimes, and I'm sure that almost everyone has felt this before, we tend to do or feel things we can't explain with our higher level brain. For example, physical attraction. Can you explain WHY you find a certain person attractive? I doubt it. By that, I mean REALLY explain why - besides just saying they've got a nice butt/legs/boobs/face or whatever. I think the reason we can't explain it is because it's not an intellectual concept. It's not a thought evoking process that generates the attraction. We don't know why because it's the 'dumber', more primeval lower level brain kicking in. Essentially saying, reproduce. It's the same reason why if someone hits you, you'll more than likely feel a sudden rush of adrenalin and an urge to hit them back. I've experienced it once, and it took all of my intellectual level brain willpower to push back the urge to fight.
It's such an interesting mix ... the lower and higher levels. For the sake of joining two journal entries into one, one particular area I find interesting is the pre-disposition of men to boobs. I have no idea what it is or what causes it. It's very disturbing. Because let's face it, they're just giant lumps of fat, and there's not much attractive about that!! And if I really think about it they're really not that attractive to me. It's just this weird almost sub-conscious feeling that overtakes logic and reason in my brain whenever I see them. It makes sense, I suppose, given the above. One of those ancient things the human was designed to feel - the means by which humans are attracted to one another and hence the cause of reproduction and continuance of the species.
Which makes you wonder where it all came from. These days, relationships and so on are born of what we call 'love', not from need. Our need to reproduce is now not an issue - there are so many of us that the chance of us going extinct is minimal, barring a comet impact, another ice age, a global plague, nuclear warfare etc. Reminds me of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. When your 'safety' factors near the bottom aren't fulfilled, your need to reproduce is high to bolster the numbers of your species. When you get enough of you, your need drops - you can team up to defeat predators and so on. You don't NEED to reproduce. Within this new safety net you can evolve intelligence and so on. Until you get to where we are now. We no longer need to reproduce, and hence the whole new layer of complexity over relationships. You choose to be with someone now because you want to, because you like them - not because you need to. It's pretty interesting, huh!
There Is Always One, Who Is First
Friday, 01 September 2006, 22:18 +0800 GMT
Struck me the other day that there are a whole bunch of things that humans are good at, that you wouldn't expect. The ability for people to breakdance, do extreme sports like Parkour. These things were invented by someone. That is, someone actually went out there and discovered how to do these things. Wanted to do these things. Tested and played and worked out how to do these things. Most importantly, weren't TAUGHT how to do those things. They came up with them on their own. All my life, I have learnt. I have only ever learnt. Aside from some programming feats, there isn't really much that I have created from nothing, that I didn't learn before. Nothing I explored by myself and created, shaped to be my own. Without someone to guide me, to watch over me. So I have a whole newfound set of respect for the kind of people out there who can do that - create, shape and then teach. Very cool.
Friday, 01 September 2006, 22:18 +0800 GMT
Struck me the other day that there are a whole bunch of things that humans are good at, that you wouldn't expect. The ability for people to breakdance, do extreme sports like Parkour. These things were invented by someone. That is, someone actually went out there and discovered how to do these things. Wanted to do these things. Tested and played and worked out how to do these things. Most importantly, weren't TAUGHT how to do those things. They came up with them on their own. All my life, I have learnt. I have only ever learnt. Aside from some programming feats, there isn't really much that I have created from nothing, that I didn't learn before. Nothing I explored by myself and created, shaped to be my own. Without someone to guide me, to watch over me. So I have a whole newfound set of respect for the kind of people out there who can do that - create, shape and then teach. Very cool.
Human Failure
Friday, 01 September 2006, 21:15 +0800 GMT
It seems to me that I am slowly falling, slowly failing. My strength, stamina and motivation sapped away. I sat down and thought pretty hard about where this has all come from - here's my story. This has been coming for a long time. I first felt the tugs of tiredness during my final year high school exams, in 2000. It was a pretty hard time - 'mock' exams in September followed by a few weeks back at school, then our final TEE exams in November. So we were hit pretty hard, twice, in three months. Exams for most people were a chance to relax and study a bit. Exams for me were a period of intense 8am-9pm study, for three weeks in a row. The mental cost of doing that was intense, and I suffered. But then, so did a lot of my friends. TEE was worth 50% of our grade, and our grade was what determined whether we could get into uni or not. Looking back, I realise that I did complete overkill for TEE. Coming out with a TER of 99.55, there wasn't much I couldn't have gotten into at uni. The mark I required for the double degree I took was about 88 I think. Remember that the TEE system isn't linear - a TER of 99.55 was a TEE score of about 445 out of 510 from memory. A TER of 88 was about a TEE score of 335. Convert that to a percentage and you get just under 66%. Not exactly hard to get into, even given how stupid a lot of people seem to be in high school. So I guess I could have totally screwed around and still gotten into the course I wanted to - like a lot of people at school did.
I asked myself the other day why I didn't. Basically, it's because I'm proud of my ability to achieve, because I want to know 'why?' and because I'm dedicated to the highest level of quality in my work. And that's what came through in my study. Admittedly I wrote learnt ALL of my textbooks. Not ideal as a learning tool, but to counteract this I made sure that at the same time I would learn and understand everything I read. There were a few things I could not understand (couldn't answer 'why?' for) that drove me literally nuts. I spent at least four hours trying to work out why something to do with a scale or constant in physics in relation to sound was the way it was. The textbook didn't provide an answer - because it was only high school physics, for gods sake :) What I was after was a lot more complicated. But I wanted to know...I had to know! It all comes back to the same things. Whatever I do, I want to do it well, and my thirst for knowledge is literally unquenchable.
Back to the story - TEE really took me down. It took me about a month to recover after the exams until I felt like a normal human again with anything resembling energy. I was fine after that though, and charged straight into uni 2 months later. It was interesting, uni itself felt wrong when I first started it. A lot of people I knew had gone off and done other things - travelling, community work, bumming, whatever. Under the watchful eye of my parents I charged straight ahead into yet more studies. The feeling then continued itself through a lot of my studies - I just didn't feel like studying any more. But the lifestyle was pretty good, and I forced myself to study. It was easy, really. Uni was piss easy. By that, I mean it was easy to score highly. I continued in the way I did from high school. I wrote learnt all my text books, and spent the time to understand everything I could. A few things eluded me as they did in high school and it frustrated me. But on the whole, I came to understand many things about computer science. And most of it was great fun. The difficult part about uni was that in order to make it so easy for myself to score highly, I had to spend a lot of time on it. I frequently would have spent more than 70 hours a week on uni work. At least 12 contact hours at uni, at least 20 hours reading, at least 10 hours doing tutorials and the rest of it would have been made up with test study and assignment work. I recall spending 16 hour days programming, day after day. It was great fun and I learnt a lot, constantly trying to hone my skills and learn and learn and learn. Not just doing the assignment to the bare minimum, but trying to understand the larger picture (e.g. learning about the entire suite of functions I was using, not just the one function I needed and so on). Trying to make it better than the requirements spec. Trying to make it perfect.
As I progressed through uni I noticed two things. Firstly, that it got harder and harder to motivate myself to study. This played out to its logical conclusion in my final semester of fourth year, when it took all that I had - literally all of my willpower - to sit down and study for my final exams. I was seriously afraid to look at my marks that semester, even though I found all the exams easy. To my surprise (and delight) I had done even better than the previous semester (and in fact, despite the drop in motivation I scored better in both 4th year semesters than in my 2nd and 3rd year semesters). And when I came out of that final exam I felt so damn good - free. I already had a job in the bag and had no responsibilities until then. And I felt tired. It took me 1 month to recover from TEE. It took me 2 and a half months this time.
The other thing I noticed at uni was that I was never satisfied with myself. The code I wrote for my assignments was always the same. I started out with good intentions, doing high level design and then starting coding. But I always forgot something. I missed the link between the high level design and coding, whatever it may be. I always ended up hacking it (in a rather controlled fashion) as I realised that I hadn't considered something. My solutions always worked and I was usually happy with them (I spent lots of time redesigning and rewriting my code based on the additions required). But I never really designed something properly. Is that my fault? Well, yes and no. To be honest, I never really had any proper training on software DESIGN. I learnt good programming practice and software engineering (2 units) but never really tied it all together - a bit of a jack of all trades. I know how to program well (modularisation, encapsulation etc) - all the coding principles. The software engineering never really meant much to me. Especially as it seemed so cumbersome. Despite studying both OO design via UML and functional software engineering, we never were taught the link between the design and the code. Which is where my problem came from - how to turn a high level design into code. We never had to sit down and design and implement a project. We did implementation and we did design, but never of the same project. So I missed out.
Sure, I follow common sense when I design. I think about what I need to do, then try to think about a logical way to structure it and identify modules/objects/re-useable code and so on. But I don't know if my method is good. That's what gets to me. I was never taught a methodology. I admit that without a standard process I am doomed. I can't think outside the box, and I don't like to think for myself until I'm good at something. If someone gives me a process and I know that it is considered 'good', I'll try it and see if I like it. If I see things I don't think are good, I'll change them and so on. I guess I just never had a definite good way of designing before coding and ended up coding too soon and having to change so much after I realised all the functionality I had forgotten to design, or the extra cases I hadn't considered.
Sorry, I got side tracked again - but the programming/design example is a good one. It highlights a lot of the traits I have that cause me problems. Dedication to quality and doing things right, the need for a good process, and a need to learn. And frustration and stress when I can't do/don't have the ability to experience/do/have all these things. All of this leads to where I am today. I started work straight after uni. I did a 'straight through'. 7 years of primary school. 5 years of high school. 4 years of uni. 16 straight years of learning. And straight into a job. Never really free to play around or experiment. Left with an unexplored sense of youthful adventure. Always with growing responsibilities, pressures and the burdens of an adult. It paints a bleak picture I know, but it's true. And I approached work the same way as I did school and uni. The partner told me when I started that he liked throwing people in at the deep end, and then watching them drown. He told me he expected me to drown. I dismissed his comments, believing I was good enough to take anything that was coming. That's my attitude - I don't care how long it takes me, I WILL succeed. You probably wouldn't expect that from me if you know me. I'm the quiet type. I guess my energy is on the inside, not outside.
So did I drown? Well, yes and no. I went way in, way over my head. But I fought my way back up to the surface. It took me 70 hour weeks. It took me working on weekends. It took me depression and it took me money (spent on parking!). But I got there. And I beat them all. Working with processes, clients and areas unfamiliar to me, and with literally no support from my seniors, I got there. By myself. I look back now and I'm proud of myself, in some ways. I'm also very disappointed. The cost of surviving was too great. That's what I realised when I sat there in front of the partner, telling him if things didn't change I couldn't stay. That was after things got even worse. That bloody project I've spoken about on here before - it destroyed me. Swimming up through the water to the surface was one thing. That was my learning curve for IT Process reviews. I'm used to initial failure at things I try, followed by doing well. That was what happened in high school maths and exams. Going from 70% up to 80 to 90%. And I felt the same at work. I felt I was finally pushing through the IT Process barrier. Was I? Yes, in a sense. But this project had more up its sleeve for me. Instead of some familiarity with the areas I was working on and some minimal support from my seniors, I moved to knowing nothing about what I was doing (Accounting, not IT) and no support. The job took me 5 months to complete. And it literally killed me. Not physically, but mentally. I became a machine, feeling and experiencing nothing. The 'grey haze' I mentioned before.
So why did it happen? The reasons above still hold. My drive to understand, my drive to perform at the highest level, to deliver the highest quality work. And my own failure to trust in the work I was doing. Up to 30% of my time spent on IT Process Reviews is time spent checking and re-checking my own work for spelling mistakes, grammer problems, missing information, non-existent references and so on. My inability to understand the work I was doing due to my lack of Accounting skills was very stressful and hard to bear. I was very hard on myself. Despite the fact I had no accounting skills, I still expected to be able to understand the subject matter. Not only that, but I expected to be able to deliver extremely high quality workpapers covering off on controls that I knew nothing about, let alone trying to test them and deliver an opinion. Yet that didn't occur to me. All I saw was failure in myself, and I withered away. Still striving to succeed I got there in the end but the cost was even worse than the first time. My life died - I stopped going out, stopped seeing friends, stopped feeling. I stopped archery, I stopped Wing Chun. I even stopped noticing that I was playing games. I'd play them, but experience nothing. I think back and I can't even remember what I did back then.
And those are my biggest problems at work. They drive me insane and I struggle every day to deal with them. Having identified them, can I do anything about them? Perhaps. I'll have to see, I guess. I discussed all this with the partner on Monday, we had an interesting chat. He has a strange way of making you feel normal. Making you feel motivated. I'm very aware of the almost magical effect he has on people, so it's not like I'm just being blindly brainwashed back into feeling that I'm ok with everything. Although having said that, apparently I am an asset to the team and he wants to keep me on board. Apparently he can see a path for me to great things. Or so he says. I can barely see 5 feet in front of me. It's the present, not the future, that worries me. I managed to get next week off, to recover. As I mentioned a few entries ago, I've really struggled recently. My lifestyle has come crashing down to one that is just unmaintainable. At the worst point, I literally couldn't work, and shouldn't have. I could barely stay awake after sleepless nights. The work I did when I was in that state was terrible. My senior had to correct a lot of code mistakes that are just uncharacteristic for me, and worry me. That was what got to me, the fact my work wasn't good quality. I just want to take some time to really get myself back on track. Thanks to my manager and the partner, I have the chance to do that, with a week of leave next week. I want to use it to relax, and to do all the little things that I've been meaning to do for ages, such as getting around to doing my tax. And building this new website. And getting back into a routine. And doing exercise. I figure if I can 'work' my days by building my website, I might have a chance. Motivation to drive my life forward. Getting up early enough and going to bed early as well, keeping it real so to speak. Hopefully that'll continue on into the week I return to work. And hopefully I'll be ok going forward. Here's to letting go and enjoying life.
Friday, 01 September 2006, 21:15 +0800 GMT
It seems to me that I am slowly falling, slowly failing. My strength, stamina and motivation sapped away. I sat down and thought pretty hard about where this has all come from - here's my story. This has been coming for a long time. I first felt the tugs of tiredness during my final year high school exams, in 2000. It was a pretty hard time - 'mock' exams in September followed by a few weeks back at school, then our final TEE exams in November. So we were hit pretty hard, twice, in three months. Exams for most people were a chance to relax and study a bit. Exams for me were a period of intense 8am-9pm study, for three weeks in a row. The mental cost of doing that was intense, and I suffered. But then, so did a lot of my friends. TEE was worth 50% of our grade, and our grade was what determined whether we could get into uni or not. Looking back, I realise that I did complete overkill for TEE. Coming out with a TER of 99.55, there wasn't much I couldn't have gotten into at uni. The mark I required for the double degree I took was about 88 I think. Remember that the TEE system isn't linear - a TER of 99.55 was a TEE score of about 445 out of 510 from memory. A TER of 88 was about a TEE score of 335. Convert that to a percentage and you get just under 66%. Not exactly hard to get into, even given how stupid a lot of people seem to be in high school. So I guess I could have totally screwed around and still gotten into the course I wanted to - like a lot of people at school did.
I asked myself the other day why I didn't. Basically, it's because I'm proud of my ability to achieve, because I want to know 'why?' and because I'm dedicated to the highest level of quality in my work. And that's what came through in my study. Admittedly I wrote learnt ALL of my textbooks. Not ideal as a learning tool, but to counteract this I made sure that at the same time I would learn and understand everything I read. There were a few things I could not understand (couldn't answer 'why?' for) that drove me literally nuts. I spent at least four hours trying to work out why something to do with a scale or constant in physics in relation to sound was the way it was. The textbook didn't provide an answer - because it was only high school physics, for gods sake :) What I was after was a lot more complicated. But I wanted to know...I had to know! It all comes back to the same things. Whatever I do, I want to do it well, and my thirst for knowledge is literally unquenchable.
Back to the story - TEE really took me down. It took me about a month to recover after the exams until I felt like a normal human again with anything resembling energy. I was fine after that though, and charged straight into uni 2 months later. It was interesting, uni itself felt wrong when I first started it. A lot of people I knew had gone off and done other things - travelling, community work, bumming, whatever. Under the watchful eye of my parents I charged straight ahead into yet more studies. The feeling then continued itself through a lot of my studies - I just didn't feel like studying any more. But the lifestyle was pretty good, and I forced myself to study. It was easy, really. Uni was piss easy. By that, I mean it was easy to score highly. I continued in the way I did from high school. I wrote learnt all my text books, and spent the time to understand everything I could. A few things eluded me as they did in high school and it frustrated me. But on the whole, I came to understand many things about computer science. And most of it was great fun. The difficult part about uni was that in order to make it so easy for myself to score highly, I had to spend a lot of time on it. I frequently would have spent more than 70 hours a week on uni work. At least 12 contact hours at uni, at least 20 hours reading, at least 10 hours doing tutorials and the rest of it would have been made up with test study and assignment work. I recall spending 16 hour days programming, day after day. It was great fun and I learnt a lot, constantly trying to hone my skills and learn and learn and learn. Not just doing the assignment to the bare minimum, but trying to understand the larger picture (e.g. learning about the entire suite of functions I was using, not just the one function I needed and so on). Trying to make it better than the requirements spec. Trying to make it perfect.
As I progressed through uni I noticed two things. Firstly, that it got harder and harder to motivate myself to study. This played out to its logical conclusion in my final semester of fourth year, when it took all that I had - literally all of my willpower - to sit down and study for my final exams. I was seriously afraid to look at my marks that semester, even though I found all the exams easy. To my surprise (and delight) I had done even better than the previous semester (and in fact, despite the drop in motivation I scored better in both 4th year semesters than in my 2nd and 3rd year semesters). And when I came out of that final exam I felt so damn good - free. I already had a job in the bag and had no responsibilities until then. And I felt tired. It took me 1 month to recover from TEE. It took me 2 and a half months this time.
The other thing I noticed at uni was that I was never satisfied with myself. The code I wrote for my assignments was always the same. I started out with good intentions, doing high level design and then starting coding. But I always forgot something. I missed the link between the high level design and coding, whatever it may be. I always ended up hacking it (in a rather controlled fashion) as I realised that I hadn't considered something. My solutions always worked and I was usually happy with them (I spent lots of time redesigning and rewriting my code based on the additions required). But I never really designed something properly. Is that my fault? Well, yes and no. To be honest, I never really had any proper training on software DESIGN. I learnt good programming practice and software engineering (2 units) but never really tied it all together - a bit of a jack of all trades. I know how to program well (modularisation, encapsulation etc) - all the coding principles. The software engineering never really meant much to me. Especially as it seemed so cumbersome. Despite studying both OO design via UML and functional software engineering, we never were taught the link between the design and the code. Which is where my problem came from - how to turn a high level design into code. We never had to sit down and design and implement a project. We did implementation and we did design, but never of the same project. So I missed out.
Sure, I follow common sense when I design. I think about what I need to do, then try to think about a logical way to structure it and identify modules/objects/re-useable code and so on. But I don't know if my method is good. That's what gets to me. I was never taught a methodology. I admit that without a standard process I am doomed. I can't think outside the box, and I don't like to think for myself until I'm good at something. If someone gives me a process and I know that it is considered 'good', I'll try it and see if I like it. If I see things I don't think are good, I'll change them and so on. I guess I just never had a definite good way of designing before coding and ended up coding too soon and having to change so much after I realised all the functionality I had forgotten to design, or the extra cases I hadn't considered.
Sorry, I got side tracked again - but the programming/design example is a good one. It highlights a lot of the traits I have that cause me problems. Dedication to quality and doing things right, the need for a good process, and a need to learn. And frustration and stress when I can't do/don't have the ability to experience/do/have all these things. All of this leads to where I am today. I started work straight after uni. I did a 'straight through'. 7 years of primary school. 5 years of high school. 4 years of uni. 16 straight years of learning. And straight into a job. Never really free to play around or experiment. Left with an unexplored sense of youthful adventure. Always with growing responsibilities, pressures and the burdens of an adult. It paints a bleak picture I know, but it's true. And I approached work the same way as I did school and uni. The partner told me when I started that he liked throwing people in at the deep end, and then watching them drown. He told me he expected me to drown. I dismissed his comments, believing I was good enough to take anything that was coming. That's my attitude - I don't care how long it takes me, I WILL succeed. You probably wouldn't expect that from me if you know me. I'm the quiet type. I guess my energy is on the inside, not outside.
So did I drown? Well, yes and no. I went way in, way over my head. But I fought my way back up to the surface. It took me 70 hour weeks. It took me working on weekends. It took me depression and it took me money (spent on parking!). But I got there. And I beat them all. Working with processes, clients and areas unfamiliar to me, and with literally no support from my seniors, I got there. By myself. I look back now and I'm proud of myself, in some ways. I'm also very disappointed. The cost of surviving was too great. That's what I realised when I sat there in front of the partner, telling him if things didn't change I couldn't stay. That was after things got even worse. That bloody project I've spoken about on here before - it destroyed me. Swimming up through the water to the surface was one thing. That was my learning curve for IT Process reviews. I'm used to initial failure at things I try, followed by doing well. That was what happened in high school maths and exams. Going from 70% up to 80 to 90%. And I felt the same at work. I felt I was finally pushing through the IT Process barrier. Was I? Yes, in a sense. But this project had more up its sleeve for me. Instead of some familiarity with the areas I was working on and some minimal support from my seniors, I moved to knowing nothing about what I was doing (Accounting, not IT) and no support. The job took me 5 months to complete. And it literally killed me. Not physically, but mentally. I became a machine, feeling and experiencing nothing. The 'grey haze' I mentioned before.
So why did it happen? The reasons above still hold. My drive to understand, my drive to perform at the highest level, to deliver the highest quality work. And my own failure to trust in the work I was doing. Up to 30% of my time spent on IT Process Reviews is time spent checking and re-checking my own work for spelling mistakes, grammer problems, missing information, non-existent references and so on. My inability to understand the work I was doing due to my lack of Accounting skills was very stressful and hard to bear. I was very hard on myself. Despite the fact I had no accounting skills, I still expected to be able to understand the subject matter. Not only that, but I expected to be able to deliver extremely high quality workpapers covering off on controls that I knew nothing about, let alone trying to test them and deliver an opinion. Yet that didn't occur to me. All I saw was failure in myself, and I withered away. Still striving to succeed I got there in the end but the cost was even worse than the first time. My life died - I stopped going out, stopped seeing friends, stopped feeling. I stopped archery, I stopped Wing Chun. I even stopped noticing that I was playing games. I'd play them, but experience nothing. I think back and I can't even remember what I did back then.
And those are my biggest problems at work. They drive me insane and I struggle every day to deal with them. Having identified them, can I do anything about them? Perhaps. I'll have to see, I guess. I discussed all this with the partner on Monday, we had an interesting chat. He has a strange way of making you feel normal. Making you feel motivated. I'm very aware of the almost magical effect he has on people, so it's not like I'm just being blindly brainwashed back into feeling that I'm ok with everything. Although having said that, apparently I am an asset to the team and he wants to keep me on board. Apparently he can see a path for me to great things. Or so he says. I can barely see 5 feet in front of me. It's the present, not the future, that worries me. I managed to get next week off, to recover. As I mentioned a few entries ago, I've really struggled recently. My lifestyle has come crashing down to one that is just unmaintainable. At the worst point, I literally couldn't work, and shouldn't have. I could barely stay awake after sleepless nights. The work I did when I was in that state was terrible. My senior had to correct a lot of code mistakes that are just uncharacteristic for me, and worry me. That was what got to me, the fact my work wasn't good quality. I just want to take some time to really get myself back on track. Thanks to my manager and the partner, I have the chance to do that, with a week of leave next week. I want to use it to relax, and to do all the little things that I've been meaning to do for ages, such as getting around to doing my tax. And building this new website. And getting back into a routine. And doing exercise. I figure if I can 'work' my days by building my website, I might have a chance. Motivation to drive my life forward. Getting up early enough and going to bed early as well, keeping it real so to speak. Hopefully that'll continue on into the week I return to work. And hopefully I'll be ok going forward. Here's to letting go and enjoying life.
CSS RARRGH!
Monday, 28 August 2006, 20:26 +0800 GMT
I love and hate CSS. Basically because I see the fantastic things it can do and the vast potential in it, and because it frustrates the hell out of me. The standard is quite lengthy and I haven't read much of it. So I know it's my own fault things don't work the way I expect. I don't really have time - I just want to do layout and funky things the way I want to, without spending 3 weeks learning the specification. Naturally, because it's so powerful and flexible, it is necessarily complicated (although logical). It's all the little things that take the time to realise - why spans in a div have spacing between them, how float works and plays with things at a block level and so on. I realise I can't expect to use the standard properly without understanding and having read most of it, but at the same time, as I mentioned, I just want to do layout with it and make my bloody site work.
Today was a theoretically small change - I have a div menu at the top of my page that contains menu items, each of which is within a span. The span is set to change to a white background when it is hovered over. Unfortunately there were spaces between the spans and the borders of the div that meant there was a small yellow border around the hovered span. I wanted to get rid of it and put black borders around the left and right sides of the span when hovered over. My initial move was to vertically align everything, as well as specify a height on the div containing the menu items. From there I moved to add the borders to the spans, which was quite easy. Then came the tasks of a) setting the borders up to overlap and b) getting the spans to be the right height inside the div so the borders reached the border-top and border-bottom of the div. That proved to be very difficult. I understand a tiny bit about the box/inline model of the CSS, so I looked in there to see what I could do. Ended up with the bloody spans too short for the div, and didn't seem to be able to change their height, much to my annoyance. Poking around I found the 'line-height' construct for a block element containing inline elements, and managed to use that to make the spans the right height. To get it all looking good I had to float: left the spans, which removed the obligatory 2 or 3 pixels of space in between each span that just decided to appear when they weren't floating. Goodness knows why - again, a part of the standard I don't know about. When that was done they looked cool. Unfortunately, the underlining that is part of the hypertext isn't considered in vertical alignment so I had to pad the spans, which wasn't too bad - 2px at the top and 4px at the bottom respectively dealt up a decent compromise. And then it worked, hooray!
I know that the above is probably considered butchering of the CSS standard, but I really don't know how else to do it hehe. If I was serious about web design, or even if I had more spare time, I'd almost definitely learn the specification properly. It's just one of those things - it seems stupidly complex and frustrating when you're just toying with it, but once you learn it it (probably) makes sense and you can really flex some serious flexibility muscle. I'm just glad I got it working in the end hehe (although the hovering doesn't work in IE hehe).
Monday, 28 August 2006, 20:26 +0800 GMT
I love and hate CSS. Basically because I see the fantastic things it can do and the vast potential in it, and because it frustrates the hell out of me. The standard is quite lengthy and I haven't read much of it. So I know it's my own fault things don't work the way I expect. I don't really have time - I just want to do layout and funky things the way I want to, without spending 3 weeks learning the specification. Naturally, because it's so powerful and flexible, it is necessarily complicated (although logical). It's all the little things that take the time to realise - why spans in a div have spacing between them, how float works and plays with things at a block level and so on. I realise I can't expect to use the standard properly without understanding and having read most of it, but at the same time, as I mentioned, I just want to do layout with it and make my bloody site work.
Today was a theoretically small change - I have a div menu at the top of my page that contains menu items, each of which is within a span. The span is set to change to a white background when it is hovered over. Unfortunately there were spaces between the spans and the borders of the div that meant there was a small yellow border around the hovered span. I wanted to get rid of it and put black borders around the left and right sides of the span when hovered over. My initial move was to vertically align everything, as well as specify a height on the div containing the menu items. From there I moved to add the borders to the spans, which was quite easy. Then came the tasks of a) setting the borders up to overlap and b) getting the spans to be the right height inside the div so the borders reached the border-top and border-bottom of the div. That proved to be very difficult. I understand a tiny bit about the box/inline model of the CSS, so I looked in there to see what I could do. Ended up with the bloody spans too short for the div, and didn't seem to be able to change their height, much to my annoyance. Poking around I found the 'line-height' construct for a block element containing inline elements, and managed to use that to make the spans the right height. To get it all looking good I had to float: left the spans, which removed the obligatory 2 or 3 pixels of space in between each span that just decided to appear when they weren't floating. Goodness knows why - again, a part of the standard I don't know about. When that was done they looked cool. Unfortunately, the underlining that is part of the hypertext isn't considered in vertical alignment so I had to pad the spans, which wasn't too bad - 2px at the top and 4px at the bottom respectively dealt up a decent compromise. And then it worked, hooray!
I know that the above is probably considered butchering of the CSS standard, but I really don't know how else to do it hehe. If I was serious about web design, or even if I had more spare time, I'd almost definitely learn the specification properly. It's just one of those things - it seems stupidly complex and frustrating when you're just toying with it, but once you learn it it (probably) makes sense and you can really flex some serious flexibility muscle. I'm just glad I got it working in the end hehe (although the hovering doesn't work in IE hehe).
Melbourne, Again
Monday, 28 August 2006, 17:45 +0800 GMT
At the suggestion of my good friend & colleague, three of us from work are heading across for yet another trip to Melbourne this weekend. It'll be so nice to finally get a proper break from work, although knowing Melbourne we're in for some very very late nights. After our New Years Eve fiasco with the Melbourne grads we met last year at grad camp, we decided not to bother contacting them this trip. There was one that we didn't manage to see last time, so we contacted her, only to have her mention to the others that we were coming. Not that it was really a big problem - we'll catch up if they want to. Luckily for us though, they seem as disinterested (or unmotivated) as us to arrange anything, so with any luck we'll just be able to see the one grad we want to. Looking forward to the trip overall, even though it's probably going to be short and tiring.
Monday, 28 August 2006, 17:45 +0800 GMT
At the suggestion of my good friend & colleague, three of us from work are heading across for yet another trip to Melbourne this weekend. It'll be so nice to finally get a proper break from work, although knowing Melbourne we're in for some very very late nights. After our New Years Eve fiasco with the Melbourne grads we met last year at grad camp, we decided not to bother contacting them this trip. There was one that we didn't manage to see last time, so we contacted her, only to have her mention to the others that we were coming. Not that it was really a big problem - we'll catch up if they want to. Luckily for us though, they seem as disinterested (or unmotivated) as us to arrange anything, so with any luck we'll just be able to see the one grad we want to. Looking forward to the trip overall, even though it's probably going to be short and tiring.
Driving Tired Can Kill
Monday, 28 August 2006, 17:38 +0800 GMT
The fact I'm writing this in the afternoon on a Monday is already a bad sign, isn't it. No, it's not a public holiday. It's 'I'm so fucking tired from being burnt out at work that I can't get out of bed this morning' day. I feel like absolute shit. Essentially, I haven't recovered from being burnt out at this time last year. I'm not going to bitch and moan about that, feel free to jump a year back in the journal if you really want to read about it :P Essentially it was just endless 70 hour work weeks with no free time to rest, that ended in me being absolutely exhausted. Thankfully, I had a three week holiday at the end of the year, including 1 whole week of doing crap all at home. I came back to work very refreshed after that. Unfortunately I came back into the middle of a bastard of a project that eventually made me almost quit my job. I was so demotivated in all things (including my entire life, not just my job). I finally managed to push through it and have a few quiet weeks, which helped a bit. Then we hit busy season again, and while it wasn't too bad for me compared to last year, it was still very hard, very busy and very stressful. And it's only just finishing now. Unfortunately, I got into some bad habits as a result of the bastard project - drinking lots on Fridays, staying up very very late (purely because I had no motivation go to bed, believe it or not) on the weekends and generally just not getting enough sleep during the week.
That all finally came to a head when my computer was sick last week (see earlier entry). I stayed up late to try to fix it and got so stressed I couldn't sleep. After that night, I could not work the next work morning and subsequently could not get up in the morning on Thursday or Friday. I took 2.5 hours of sick leave each day. And I woke up tired. The only thing that got me into the office was that I'm on a big project and wanted to work on it, and that I felt bad saying 'tiredness' was the reason why I couldn't come in. The fact I'm burnt out is valid, and I should take the time off, but I feel so bad, seriously. Because I get up between 10 am and 12 noon some time and feel tired. And I feel tired all afternoon. Too tired to work, but not tired enough to just stay in bed. So what am I supposed to do? NOT go on the computer? I have tons of things I want to do - research Japan, do this web site and so on. *sigh* I usually succumbed to the bad feeling and went in, but then couldn't work at anywhere near 100%. It's very tough for me ... too much moral fibre I guess :( Anyway, today I felt so shit that I literally couldn't get out of bed today before 12 noon, even though I got a lot of sleep over the weekend. It worries me a bit, that I'm so tired and sleep doesn't help. I don't know what to do.
Anyway, I have to go to work tomorrow, really - to get my project work done (big things happening there) and I'll have to get a medical certificate if I don't. The crucial bit is that I know that I am partially responsible for getting this way, so hopefully this bad feeling I have about taking time off work will motivate me to get my arse into gear and start getting enough sleep. Obviously work pressures don't make this easy (having 2 hours or less personal time per day is just not enough) so they're partially to blame as well - the only reason I'm actually taking time off. *sigh* we'll see. I think if I get enough sleep tonight I should be ok for tomorrow. Will try to sleep at about 9am. If I still feel bad I will visit the doctor, because I really am scared that this isn't something that can be cured by sleep!
Monday, 28 August 2006, 17:38 +0800 GMT
The fact I'm writing this in the afternoon on a Monday is already a bad sign, isn't it. No, it's not a public holiday. It's 'I'm so fucking tired from being burnt out at work that I can't get out of bed this morning' day. I feel like absolute shit. Essentially, I haven't recovered from being burnt out at this time last year. I'm not going to bitch and moan about that, feel free to jump a year back in the journal if you really want to read about it :P Essentially it was just endless 70 hour work weeks with no free time to rest, that ended in me being absolutely exhausted. Thankfully, I had a three week holiday at the end of the year, including 1 whole week of doing crap all at home. I came back to work very refreshed after that. Unfortunately I came back into the middle of a bastard of a project that eventually made me almost quit my job. I was so demotivated in all things (including my entire life, not just my job). I finally managed to push through it and have a few quiet weeks, which helped a bit. Then we hit busy season again, and while it wasn't too bad for me compared to last year, it was still very hard, very busy and very stressful. And it's only just finishing now. Unfortunately, I got into some bad habits as a result of the bastard project - drinking lots on Fridays, staying up very very late (purely because I had no motivation go to bed, believe it or not) on the weekends and generally just not getting enough sleep during the week.
That all finally came to a head when my computer was sick last week (see earlier entry). I stayed up late to try to fix it and got so stressed I couldn't sleep. After that night, I could not work the next work morning and subsequently could not get up in the morning on Thursday or Friday. I took 2.5 hours of sick leave each day. And I woke up tired. The only thing that got me into the office was that I'm on a big project and wanted to work on it, and that I felt bad saying 'tiredness' was the reason why I couldn't come in. The fact I'm burnt out is valid, and I should take the time off, but I feel so bad, seriously. Because I get up between 10 am and 12 noon some time and feel tired. And I feel tired all afternoon. Too tired to work, but not tired enough to just stay in bed. So what am I supposed to do? NOT go on the computer? I have tons of things I want to do - research Japan, do this web site and so on. *sigh* I usually succumbed to the bad feeling and went in, but then couldn't work at anywhere near 100%. It's very tough for me ... too much moral fibre I guess :( Anyway, today I felt so shit that I literally couldn't get out of bed today before 12 noon, even though I got a lot of sleep over the weekend. It worries me a bit, that I'm so tired and sleep doesn't help. I don't know what to do.
Anyway, I have to go to work tomorrow, really - to get my project work done (big things happening there) and I'll have to get a medical certificate if I don't. The crucial bit is that I know that I am partially responsible for getting this way, so hopefully this bad feeling I have about taking time off work will motivate me to get my arse into gear and start getting enough sleep. Obviously work pressures don't make this easy (having 2 hours or less personal time per day is just not enough) so they're partially to blame as well - the only reason I'm actually taking time off. *sigh* we'll see. I think if I get enough sleep tonight I should be ok for tomorrow. Will try to sleep at about 9am. If I still feel bad I will visit the doctor, because I really am scared that this isn't something that can be cured by sleep!
Japanese Cameras
Monday, 28 August 2006, 16:50 +0800 GMT
I love having a Canon camera - it rocks! :) Especially since I'm going to Japan, and will be able to pick up amazing quality lenses at awesome prices. At the party I mentioned a few entries earlier, the guy who had gone to Japan told me about www.kakaku.com, a Japanese electronics website. I think they're a shop, and apparently they are very very cheap. I checked out the prices and was freaking amazed, check this out for the lenses I desperately want for the EOS 20D:
(Assuming an exchange rate of between ¥80-90 to $1.00)
Obviously the exchange rate will change between now and April 2007, and that is the RBA's official rate so the exchange rate I'll get at the ATMs in Japan obviously won't be anywhere near that (probably down around 83ish given the current market). But that's still not bad! I'm planning on buying the EF 50mm f/1.4 USM, EF 300mm f/4L IS USM, MP-E65mm f2/.8 1-5x and EF 17-40mm f/4L USM, which will set me back between $4,117 and $4,632. That's much much better than the local prices, which will rack up $5426. An extra $1,000 - $1,500 to spend on the trip =) I do seriously want to buy all of those lenses in Japan, but that's a huge hit to my budget. I'm going to have to be very careful with money.
This is something that is generally important, actually - expenses. Although my airfare is essentially paid for, I still need accommodation for 30 days. I'd like to stay in a top end Ryokan for the experience for at least 1 or 2 nights, and maybe a 5 star hotel just for the luxury, for at least another 1 or 2 nights. So I'm looking at $80 - $120 average for accommodation for say 25 days (thank god for youth hostels and budget ryokans!) and then maybe up to $300 or $400 for 5 days - meaning accommodation will be setting me back upwards of $4,250. Food budget is $50-100 a day, adding approximately $2,250 to that. So with a JR Rail Pass thrown in it's over $7,000 before I even get into the country. Then I'll have souvenirs and entry to various places, plus entertainment and subway / other travel expenses. If I budget $100 a day for that, it'll hit me for $3,000, meaning a total cost of the trip of about $10,000. The lenses will take the total to almost $15,000 by the time I've bought cases and solar filters. Throw in a 'just in case' allowance of say $2,000 and ouch! Hehehe. I'll have to think about it very carefully and probably buy one or two of the lenses (zoom and 50mm probably) in Tokyo when I'm there the first time, and then the wide angle and macro when I'm back in Tokyo just before coming home. Thankfully I'll be getting paid while I'm away, and have minimal expenses at home, so I'll get a few k in the bank the month I'm gone muahahaha. I find that at the moment I'm spending almost 100% of my monthly wages, which is a bit scary. Food, entertainment, rent and general living expenses etc. Still, I'd say I'll have enough for a bloody good trip by April. I'm planning to spend big and experience everything, even if it means coming back with $0 in the bank hehe.
Monday, 28 August 2006, 16:50 +0800 GMT
I love having a Canon camera - it rocks! :) Especially since I'm going to Japan, and will be able to pick up amazing quality lenses at awesome prices. At the party I mentioned a few entries earlier, the guy who had gone to Japan told me about www.kakaku.com, a Japanese electronics website. I think they're a shop, and apparently they are very very cheap. I checked out the prices and was freaking amazed, check this out for the lenses I desperately want for the EOS 20D:
| Lens | Canon RRP | Best Local Price | Kakaku Price (¥) | Kakaku Price ($) |
| EF 50mm f/1.4 USM | $749 | $550 | ¥39,181 | $435-$490 |
| EF 300mm f/4L IS USM | $2,799 | $2,200 | ¥145,459 | $1,616-$1,818 |
| EF 200mm f/2.8L II USM | $1599 | $1150 | ¥84,191 | $935-$1,052 |
| MP-E65mm f/2.8 1-5x Macro | $1979 | $1499 | ¥100,167 | $1,113-$1,252 |
| EF 100mm f/2.8 Macro USM | $1099 | $825 | ¥57,956 | $644-$724 |
| EF 17-40mm f/4L USM | $1599 | $1177 | ¥85,741 | $953-$1,072 |
Obviously the exchange rate will change between now and April 2007, and that is the RBA's official rate so the exchange rate I'll get at the ATMs in Japan obviously won't be anywhere near that (probably down around 83ish given the current market). But that's still not bad! I'm planning on buying the EF 50mm f/1.4 USM, EF 300mm f/4L IS USM, MP-E65mm f2/.8 1-5x and EF 17-40mm f/4L USM, which will set me back between $4,117 and $4,632. That's much much better than the local prices, which will rack up $5426. An extra $1,000 - $1,500 to spend on the trip =) I do seriously want to buy all of those lenses in Japan, but that's a huge hit to my budget. I'm going to have to be very careful with money.
This is something that is generally important, actually - expenses. Although my airfare is essentially paid for, I still need accommodation for 30 days. I'd like to stay in a top end Ryokan for the experience for at least 1 or 2 nights, and maybe a 5 star hotel just for the luxury, for at least another 1 or 2 nights. So I'm looking at $80 - $120 average for accommodation for say 25 days (thank god for youth hostels and budget ryokans!) and then maybe up to $300 or $400 for 5 days - meaning accommodation will be setting me back upwards of $4,250. Food budget is $50-100 a day, adding approximately $2,250 to that. So with a JR Rail Pass thrown in it's over $7,000 before I even get into the country. Then I'll have souvenirs and entry to various places, plus entertainment and subway / other travel expenses. If I budget $100 a day for that, it'll hit me for $3,000, meaning a total cost of the trip of about $10,000. The lenses will take the total to almost $15,000 by the time I've bought cases and solar filters. Throw in a 'just in case' allowance of say $2,000 and ouch! Hehehe. I'll have to think about it very carefully and probably buy one or two of the lenses (zoom and 50mm probably) in Tokyo when I'm there the first time, and then the wide angle and macro when I'm back in Tokyo just before coming home. Thankfully I'll be getting paid while I'm away, and have minimal expenses at home, so I'll get a few k in the bank the month I'm gone muahahaha. I find that at the moment I'm spending almost 100% of my monthly wages, which is a bit scary. Food, entertainment, rent and general living expenses etc. Still, I'd say I'll have enough for a bloody good trip by April. I'm planning to spend big and experience everything, even if it means coming back with $0 in the bank hehe.
Yokoso!
Sunday, 27 August 2006, 21:13 +0800 GMT
So I finally decided to spend the money I won at the ball on a trip to Japan! It was always on my mind and I pretty much decided the night I won it to go to Japan with it - but I only cemented that idea recently. Spoke to a travel agent on Saturday, who literally gave me a quote on airfares at the time! I won't get much change from that travel card hehehe. Flights are going to be $1250 + taxes of $350, leaving me with $100 on the card hehe. That'll go towards a 21 day Japan Rail pass, which costs in the order of $700.
I've also been doing a heap of research into Japan recently, desperately trying to work out where to go so that I can prepare accommodation for my trip I find this kind of thing very stressful. I'm the kind of person who can't travel light, so accommodation becomes very important to me. I also hate wasting time and just 'bumming' around, so backpacking and just going where I feel like when I feel like isn't going to work. I don't want a down-to-the-minute itinerary, but I do want to have accommodation booked for every night of my stay before I go. Of course, this stresses me out so much because to know where I want to be each night I need to know what I want to see on my entire trip. Which means working out where to go, what to see and what to visit. It'd be hard enough where I live, let alone in a country I know nothing about. I'm a man who loves the detail, and so I need to know every small town in every prefecture worth visiting. I have a 1000+ page lonely planet guide and I'm slowly digesting the entire thing, trying to work out what to see and how I'm going to link up all those places with trains/buses etc.
Thankfully I'm relatively methodical so although I'm upset and stressed about making sure I make the best trip possible, I'm hitting it slowly and carefully. At the moment, I've come up with a very high level guide of where I want to go:
Sunday, 27 August 2006, 21:13 +0800 GMT
So I finally decided to spend the money I won at the ball on a trip to Japan! It was always on my mind and I pretty much decided the night I won it to go to Japan with it - but I only cemented that idea recently. Spoke to a travel agent on Saturday, who literally gave me a quote on airfares at the time! I won't get much change from that travel card hehehe. Flights are going to be $1250 + taxes of $350, leaving me with $100 on the card hehe. That'll go towards a 21 day Japan Rail pass, which costs in the order of $700.
I've also been doing a heap of research into Japan recently, desperately trying to work out where to go so that I can prepare accommodation for my trip I find this kind of thing very stressful. I'm the kind of person who can't travel light, so accommodation becomes very important to me. I also hate wasting time and just 'bumming' around, so backpacking and just going where I feel like when I feel like isn't going to work. I don't want a down-to-the-minute itinerary, but I do want to have accommodation booked for every night of my stay before I go. Of course, this stresses me out so much because to know where I want to be each night I need to know what I want to see on my entire trip. Which means working out where to go, what to see and what to visit. It'd be hard enough where I live, let alone in a country I know nothing about. I'm a man who loves the detail, and so I need to know every small town in every prefecture worth visiting. I have a 1000+ page lonely planet guide and I'm slowly digesting the entire thing, trying to work out what to see and how I'm going to link up all those places with trains/buses etc.
Thankfully I'm relatively methodical so although I'm upset and stressed about making sure I make the best trip possible, I'm hitting it slowly and carefully. At the moment, I've come up with a very high level guide of where I want to go:
- Tokyo
- Mount Fuji
- Nagoya
- Osaka/Kyoto
- Hiroshima
- Tokyo (4 nights)
- Mount Fuji (Fuji-Yoshida/Kawaguchi-ku) (3 nights)
- -> Kamakura/Hakone (2 nights)
- -> Shizuoka (1 night)
- Nagoya (1 night)
- Tsu/Ise/Toba/Shingu/Shirahama (2 nights)
- Wakayama (2 nights)
- -> Town (1 night)
- -> Koya-san (1 night)
- Kyoto (5 nights)
- -> Nara (1 day)
- -> 'Other' (4 days)
- Takamatsu (1 night)
- Okayama/Kurashiki/Onomichi (2 days/1 night)
- Hiroshima (3 nights)
- Himeji (1 day)
- Osaka (2 nights)
- Fukui/Komatsu/Kanazawa/Toyama (1 night)
- Takayama (1 night)
- Matsumoto (1 night)
- Nagano/Maebashi/Urawa (1 night)
- Tokyo (2 nights)
Sick Computer
Sunday, 27 August 2006, 20:13 +0800 GMT
At about 10:30pm the other night I decided to download and install Microsoft Intellipoint. Primarily, because I wanted to be able to use the 4th and 5th buttons on my mouse in Winamp to go to the previous/next song. Very lazy, yes, but I'd gotten used to it with my old computer and wanted it on my new computer. So I whizzed off to Microsoft.com and found the download - they'd finally released it for Windows x64. When I downloaded it, the bloody thing wouldn't install. It said the Windows Installer service couldn't be contacted. So I went off and did the normal thing - hit Google with the error message. I found a whole heap of articles, telling me to reset, unregister, reinstall, register, play with registry settings for etc. Windows Installer. You name it, there were suggestions out there to try it. Nothing worked. I got more and more frustrated and eventually gave up about 12:30am. With all the stress, I didn't manage to get to sleep until 1:30am. Next day I was very, very tired. On another note, I think that whole event was the straw that broke the very very exhausted camel's back, and took me out big time - I've written another entry about this later on.
But back to Windows Installer - the next night I tried again to fix it, and couldn't. Again, a very very late night. I have never been so tired as I was on Wednesday morning. I literally could not work and spent the morning feeling like shit - over-hot, tired and trembling. Typical over-tired signs. The same symptoms I had after that mega-virus hit me earlier this year. I left work at 4pm on Wednesday and finally managed to fix the computer. I had actually found the solution on Monday night (the first night), I just hadn't fully implemented it. From memory, a long time ago, I removed 'Everyone' permissions from my hard drive. An anal security measure that I just implemented because I felt like it. Obviously I didn't have much regard to the side effects. At first, I didn't think there were any. But there certainly were. Windows Installer relies upon Windows Management Instrumentation (WMI), which is sorta an administration thing for Windows. Lots of things use it - Network Connections, Windows Installer, Services and so on. If it breaks, you're kinda up shit creek for a lot of things. I could keep using the computer fine because I didn't need to do anything requiring these services. As soon as I did (Intellipoint) was when the shit hit the fan.
To run correctly, goodness knows why, the WMI needs 'Everyone' to have read access to the C:WindowsRegistration directory and certain files within. Giving permissions to the Registration directory alone is not enough - you have to either have path permissions (e.g. C: and C:Windows) set to allow the Everyone group to get *to* the Registration folder (e.g. allow 'execution' or 'reading' of the directories in the path), or turn on the 'Traverse' user right. Traverse user right is evil, especially for the Everyone user, although now that Everyone only includes Authenticated Users, it's not so bad. The path permissions way is much more explicit though, so I followed that, permitting them to read the contents of and traverse the folders C: and C:Windows. Installer immediately worked - I was so happy hehe.
I have no doubt in my own skills in being able to *find* a solution to what is going wrong in most cases, if a solution exists and is on Google. I was just surprised it took me so long, and caused so many other problems (again, see the later entry about exhaustion). Anyway, I'm glad it is all over now. Thing that really cut me was that if my computer was a child and was sick in a similar way, I would be able to take 'carers' leave to look after them. But because it's technology, no matter how much I care for it, I don't think I'd be able to. That sucks. Being so stressed out worrying about my computer during the day is going to reduce my productivity - it'd be better to let me take a day off to solve it (10 hours of searching would have covered it). Still. At least it's all over now and I have my shiny buttons to play with Winamp :)
Sunday, 27 August 2006, 20:13 +0800 GMT
At about 10:30pm the other night I decided to download and install Microsoft Intellipoint. Primarily, because I wanted to be able to use the 4th and 5th buttons on my mouse in Winamp to go to the previous/next song. Very lazy, yes, but I'd gotten used to it with my old computer and wanted it on my new computer. So I whizzed off to Microsoft.com and found the download - they'd finally released it for Windows x64. When I downloaded it, the bloody thing wouldn't install. It said the Windows Installer service couldn't be contacted. So I went off and did the normal thing - hit Google with the error message. I found a whole heap of articles, telling me to reset, unregister, reinstall, register, play with registry settings for etc. Windows Installer. You name it, there were suggestions out there to try it. Nothing worked. I got more and more frustrated and eventually gave up about 12:30am. With all the stress, I didn't manage to get to sleep until 1:30am. Next day I was very, very tired. On another note, I think that whole event was the straw that broke the very very exhausted camel's back, and took me out big time - I've written another entry about this later on.
But back to Windows Installer - the next night I tried again to fix it, and couldn't. Again, a very very late night. I have never been so tired as I was on Wednesday morning. I literally could not work and spent the morning feeling like shit - over-hot, tired and trembling. Typical over-tired signs. The same symptoms I had after that mega-virus hit me earlier this year. I left work at 4pm on Wednesday and finally managed to fix the computer. I had actually found the solution on Monday night (the first night), I just hadn't fully implemented it. From memory, a long time ago, I removed 'Everyone' permissions from my hard drive. An anal security measure that I just implemented because I felt like it. Obviously I didn't have much regard to the side effects. At first, I didn't think there were any. But there certainly were. Windows Installer relies upon Windows Management Instrumentation (WMI), which is sorta an administration thing for Windows. Lots of things use it - Network Connections, Windows Installer, Services and so on. If it breaks, you're kinda up shit creek for a lot of things. I could keep using the computer fine because I didn't need to do anything requiring these services. As soon as I did (Intellipoint) was when the shit hit the fan.
To run correctly, goodness knows why, the WMI needs 'Everyone' to have read access to the C:WindowsRegistration directory and certain files within. Giving permissions to the Registration directory alone is not enough - you have to either have path permissions (e.g. C: and C:Windows) set to allow the Everyone group to get *to* the Registration folder (e.g. allow 'execution' or 'reading' of the directories in the path), or turn on the 'Traverse' user right. Traverse user right is evil, especially for the Everyone user, although now that Everyone only includes Authenticated Users, it's not so bad. The path permissions way is much more explicit though, so I followed that, permitting them to read the contents of and traverse the folders C: and C:Windows. Installer immediately worked - I was so happy hehe.
I have no doubt in my own skills in being able to *find* a solution to what is going wrong in most cases, if a solution exists and is on Google. I was just surprised it took me so long, and caused so many other problems (again, see the later entry about exhaustion). Anyway, I'm glad it is all over now. Thing that really cut me was that if my computer was a child and was sick in a similar way, I would be able to take 'carers' leave to look after them. But because it's technology, no matter how much I care for it, I don't think I'd be able to. That sucks. Being so stressed out worrying about my computer during the day is going to reduce my productivity - it'd be better to let me take a day off to solve it (10 hours of searching would have covered it). Still. At least it's all over now and I have my shiny buttons to play with Winamp :)
Experiences
Sunday, 27 August 2006, 22:07 +0800 GMT
'Experiences' are what drive life, I find. They are what I crave in life, why I want to go to Japan, why I want to meet new people, why I want to do anything. When you experience things (good and bad), you learn, and you forge memories that make you a more powerful and real person. I love to just sit back and send my mind back to experiences that I've had. Good experiences to feel happy. Bad experiences to reinforce learnings and guide behaviour in the present. All in all, it's something I cling to in life, and it's why I'm still here. I still believe in all the experiences I can and will have in the future, and I realise that they are worth not dying for, in a sense.
Sunday, 27 August 2006, 22:07 +0800 GMT
'Experiences' are what drive life, I find. They are what I crave in life, why I want to go to Japan, why I want to meet new people, why I want to do anything. When you experience things (good and bad), you learn, and you forge memories that make you a more powerful and real person. I love to just sit back and send my mind back to experiences that I've had. Good experiences to feel happy. Bad experiences to reinforce learnings and guide behaviour in the present. All in all, it's something I cling to in life, and it's why I'm still here. I still believe in all the experiences I can and will have in the future, and I realise that they are worth not dying for, in a sense.
Big Issue (Especially In My Head)
Sunday, 27 August 2006, 21:53 +0800 GMT
All around the city I live in, homeless people have donned bright fluorescent yellow jerseys and started trying to sell a magazine called the Big Issue. It's just a regular 'social commentary' magazine, which is provided to homeless people to sell under an arrangement. They cost $4 with the publisher and seller splitting the revenue evenly. I pass one guy a lot, but I've never bought one. This is another thing I think about way too much. I feel obligated to buy one, and I hate that feeling. I hate being made to feel obligated to do something, especially out of feeling sorry for someone. I steel myself by thinking that I work fucking hard for my living, and that on the whole, I don't get paid all that much. I wonder what the story of the homeless guy is. I expect my life has been a lot easier than his, but why should I give him money that I seriously do work very hard to earn? It's not a mean streak in me, I don't think. I do give a significant amount to charity through the workplace giving program, where our partners match $ for $. I wouldn't mind giving to a charity that looks after the homeless people in general. The problem being, if I buy one once, I feel obligated to buy one every time I see the guy. And not only that, I feel obligated to buy one from every person I meet. So it's easier in my actions (although not in my head) just to not buy one at all. I'm somewhat consoled by the fact that nobody else I know buys one either, even the very kind ones that donate a lot of money to charities etc. Still, that's not really an excuse not to give. On the whole, this is something I struggle with.
Sunday, 27 August 2006, 21:53 +0800 GMT
All around the city I live in, homeless people have donned bright fluorescent yellow jerseys and started trying to sell a magazine called the Big Issue. It's just a regular 'social commentary' magazine, which is provided to homeless people to sell under an arrangement. They cost $4 with the publisher and seller splitting the revenue evenly. I pass one guy a lot, but I've never bought one. This is another thing I think about way too much. I feel obligated to buy one, and I hate that feeling. I hate being made to feel obligated to do something, especially out of feeling sorry for someone. I steel myself by thinking that I work fucking hard for my living, and that on the whole, I don't get paid all that much. I wonder what the story of the homeless guy is. I expect my life has been a lot easier than his, but why should I give him money that I seriously do work very hard to earn? It's not a mean streak in me, I don't think. I do give a significant amount to charity through the workplace giving program, where our partners match $ for $. I wouldn't mind giving to a charity that looks after the homeless people in general. The problem being, if I buy one once, I feel obligated to buy one every time I see the guy. And not only that, I feel obligated to buy one from every person I meet. So it's easier in my actions (although not in my head) just to not buy one at all. I'm somewhat consoled by the fact that nobody else I know buys one either, even the very kind ones that donate a lot of money to charities etc. Still, that's not really an excuse not to give. On the whole, this is something I struggle with.
The Price of Friendship
Sunday, 27 August 2006, 21:41 +0800 GMT
I've spoken before about the Melbourne grads, and all the things associated with them. The ones who won't talk to us any more, the ones who aren't motivated to see us any more, and so on. With my new attempts at assertiveness I'm beginning not to care, and to respect their (albeit rude) choices to just disassociate themselves from us. What bugs me now is that some of them have some of my CDs. Liking and respecting those guys so much after grad camp I had no concerns sending them over for them to listen to. I said at the time they could have them as long as they liked. I suppose I should have been a bit more careful...'reasonably liked', is what I should have said I suppose. Obviously the souring of our relationship means I'm more worried about the CDs and just want them back because it's unlikely I'll have contact with the people that have them for much longer. And I also want to listen to them myself and lend them to friends over here. What I'm wondering is whether the CDs are just worth throwing away in order to finally cut myself off from the Melbourne people. The price I must pay to turn the page, so to speak? I can buy new copies in Japan for about $30 all up, I'm sure. So who cares, right? I dunno...to get them back I'm going to need to contact the people that have them, which could be hard, seeing as the person who has them doesn't speak to me any more. Hehe. Ah well, it could get interesting. I think I might just email the guy who knows the girl who has them at the moment, and ask him to get them back for me, then if he has to, to just leave them in reception for me to pick up. *sigh* it should never have come to this point. What a shitty world. I used to get so upset about this, but I'm beginning not to care. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing, a maturity thing or a coldness. At this point in time, I don't really care.
Sunday, 27 August 2006, 21:41 +0800 GMT
I've spoken before about the Melbourne grads, and all the things associated with them. The ones who won't talk to us any more, the ones who aren't motivated to see us any more, and so on. With my new attempts at assertiveness I'm beginning not to care, and to respect their (albeit rude) choices to just disassociate themselves from us. What bugs me now is that some of them have some of my CDs. Liking and respecting those guys so much after grad camp I had no concerns sending them over for them to listen to. I said at the time they could have them as long as they liked. I suppose I should have been a bit more careful...'reasonably liked', is what I should have said I suppose. Obviously the souring of our relationship means I'm more worried about the CDs and just want them back because it's unlikely I'll have contact with the people that have them for much longer. And I also want to listen to them myself and lend them to friends over here. What I'm wondering is whether the CDs are just worth throwing away in order to finally cut myself off from the Melbourne people. The price I must pay to turn the page, so to speak? I can buy new copies in Japan for about $30 all up, I'm sure. So who cares, right? I dunno...to get them back I'm going to need to contact the people that have them, which could be hard, seeing as the person who has them doesn't speak to me any more. Hehe. Ah well, it could get interesting. I think I might just email the guy who knows the girl who has them at the moment, and ask him to get them back for me, then if he has to, to just leave them in reception for me to pick up. *sigh* it should never have come to this point. What a shitty world. I used to get so upset about this, but I'm beginning not to care. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing, a maturity thing or a coldness. At this point in time, I don't really care.
Alcohol
Sunday, 20 August 2006, 22:35 +0800 GMT
So I finally found out how much alcohol it takes to really take me down (in a very sleepy, but not sick/vomity/hangovery kind of way) :) I'm sitting here writing this at 2am in the morning (hehe) and although my mind feels semi literate and my fingers type pretty ok, I think it's instinct and I'm going to laugh a lot once I read this entry when sober. I haven't really had all that much though, I don't think. I had 5 beers at work - 1 Stella and 4 Becks, in about 2 hours. Then headed up north to a party and had 2 glasses of Moet champagne and 2 CSCs. So all up, about 10 standard drinks in 6 hours. Which isn't much, really! I've done more in less. Still, that doesn't make me feel much better hehe. I'm far from being overcome by it all, which is good...just a bit zoned out, which is probably tiredness as much as alcohol. I'm just thinking about how easy it is to drink that much, and not really realise until it hits you hehe...pretty interesting. Guess I should probably be more careful in future =)
Sober Edit: I guess I'm a bit sombred by the fact that about 12 months ago I wrote an entry about how much I hated alcohol and the people who drank too much of it. Bit of an about turn, huh :/ I suppose I've come to realise that it's not a bad thing so long as it's treated properly and you don't drink so much you become a liability to others. I still hold true to the fact that it is not *you* talking when you've had too much to drink. You are not who you are, in a sense. I don't think alcohol makes you more truthful necessarily - but it would almost always make you more of an idiot. I won't try to justify the difference in my feelings then and now, because I can't. And I am somewhat disappointed in myself that I do drink so much these days. It's another one of those 'I just don't care' things, unfortunately. But I have no doubt that some time in the future I will stop drinking quite so much :)
Sunday, 20 August 2006, 22:35 +0800 GMT
So I finally found out how much alcohol it takes to really take me down (in a very sleepy, but not sick/vomity/hangovery kind of way) :) I'm sitting here writing this at 2am in the morning (hehe) and although my mind feels semi literate and my fingers type pretty ok, I think it's instinct and I'm going to laugh a lot once I read this entry when sober. I haven't really had all that much though, I don't think. I had 5 beers at work - 1 Stella and 4 Becks, in about 2 hours. Then headed up north to a party and had 2 glasses of Moet champagne and 2 CSCs. So all up, about 10 standard drinks in 6 hours. Which isn't much, really! I've done more in less. Still, that doesn't make me feel much better hehe. I'm far from being overcome by it all, which is good...just a bit zoned out, which is probably tiredness as much as alcohol. I'm just thinking about how easy it is to drink that much, and not really realise until it hits you hehe...pretty interesting. Guess I should probably be more careful in future =)
Sober Edit: I guess I'm a bit sombred by the fact that about 12 months ago I wrote an entry about how much I hated alcohol and the people who drank too much of it. Bit of an about turn, huh :/ I suppose I've come to realise that it's not a bad thing so long as it's treated properly and you don't drink so much you become a liability to others. I still hold true to the fact that it is not *you* talking when you've had too much to drink. You are not who you are, in a sense. I don't think alcohol makes you more truthful necessarily - but it would almost always make you more of an idiot. I won't try to justify the difference in my feelings then and now, because I can't. And I am somewhat disappointed in myself that I do drink so much these days. It's another one of those 'I just don't care' things, unfortunately. But I have no doubt that some time in the future I will stop drinking quite so much :)
Oops There Goes, Another PAM Lockout!
Sunday, 20 August 2006, 22:26 +0800 GMT
I've been doing a lot of work on my little computer recently, setting it up as a test environment for my web server. It's an awesome little thing, but an absolute bitch to install an OS onto. It can only take one IDE device on it at a time, so that's basically the hard drive. Which means no CD drive to install an OS from. In the end I had to take it to work and use the 3.5 to 2.5 IDE converter to install an OS onto it via another computer. That had problems of its own, but I won't go into them hehe. It's finally up and running. I've taken it upon myself to get an even better understanding of how Debian/Linux in general works, especially around security. So I've basically been opening up every file in /etc and trying to understand what it's doing. It's been quite fun, although it is pretty tough going at times. One of the files I really got stuck into was PAM, Pluggable Authentication Modules. Bloody awesome good idea, it's so flexible. Of course, it's also really dangerous, as I learnt the hard way. For some reason something went wrong when I configured it to use pam_access.so and pam_securetty.so. I never did work out what it was, but whatever it was it stopped me logging into the machine with any account on any consoles - pts, or tty! Thank god for recovery console, which bypasses PAM hehe. I managed to fix it up so I can ssh now, very chuffed. Can only ssh as my user account, and then su to root. Eventually I plan to set up sudo so that I don't need to su to root. Have to understand the layout of the sudoers file first though. That's what I love and hate about Linux. The config files are (usually) well thought out and very powerful, but seem so insurmountable when you first read about them. Of course, once you've learnt a bit you find that they're (normally) not all that bad and you feel awesome when you set something up to do exactly (and only exactly) what you want it to do! For the win!
Sunday, 20 August 2006, 22:26 +0800 GMT
I've been doing a lot of work on my little computer recently, setting it up as a test environment for my web server. It's an awesome little thing, but an absolute bitch to install an OS onto. It can only take one IDE device on it at a time, so that's basically the hard drive. Which means no CD drive to install an OS from. In the end I had to take it to work and use the 3.5 to 2.5 IDE converter to install an OS onto it via another computer. That had problems of its own, but I won't go into them hehe. It's finally up and running. I've taken it upon myself to get an even better understanding of how Debian/Linux in general works, especially around security. So I've basically been opening up every file in /etc and trying to understand what it's doing. It's been quite fun, although it is pretty tough going at times. One of the files I really got stuck into was PAM, Pluggable Authentication Modules. Bloody awesome good idea, it's so flexible. Of course, it's also really dangerous, as I learnt the hard way. For some reason something went wrong when I configured it to use pam_access.so and pam_securetty.so. I never did work out what it was, but whatever it was it stopped me logging into the machine with any account on any consoles - pts, or tty! Thank god for recovery console, which bypasses PAM hehe. I managed to fix it up so I can ssh now, very chuffed. Can only ssh as my user account, and then su to root. Eventually I plan to set up sudo so that I don't need to su to root. Have to understand the layout of the sudoers file first though. That's what I love and hate about Linux. The config files are (usually) well thought out and very powerful, but seem so insurmountable when you first read about them. Of course, once you've learnt a bit you find that they're (normally) not all that bad and you feel awesome when you set something up to do exactly (and only exactly) what you want it to do! For the win!
New Girl & New Revelation(s)
Sunday, 20 August 2006, 22:07 +0800 GMT
A while ago a new advisor started in the internal audit side of our division. It was quite amusing that I found out she was starting from my best friend, who knew her from uni, rather than from internally within the firm. I'd spoken to her a bit before we met at work, just through my friend's MSN. Meeting her was really good - I guess someone a good friend knows comes with an implicit recommendation of being a 'good' person, if you know what I mean. It was fun to have someone in the division that I felt I knew a bit already, so the ice didn't really need to be broken. We got on pretty well - she's pretty blur and sometimes is just a bit weird, but on the whole, a very nice person.
After a while I found myself really attracted to her. Not really sure what to do I talked to a few people about it and the consensus was not to do anything about it. So I didn't. And now, I find myself glad that I didn't. She's a great person, very pretty and just generally 'nice', but it wouldn't work out. And when that hit me, I suddenly realised something important. I think back about most of the people I'd felt attracted to recently, and realised that they all had exactly the same basic traits (besides being at least partly Asian :D). They were all 'pretty' and 'nice'. And that's seriously all. I was falling for good looks and a decent personality. Spoke to a good friend about it. He mentioned the concept of 'compatibility'. Basically, as men, we are almost inextricably doomed to fall for looks. Let's just be totally open and honest about it, because it's the truth. In every guy's head, there is a certain number out of 10 for looks - below that, it's unlikely he will be interested (at least not initially, without *knowing* the person) in the girl as more than a friend. Then it moves on to compatibility.
That's where I fall over. Meeting random girls, if they are pretty, I will inevitably think I am falling for them. Ironically, if they were a guy, I would probably just think they were a nice person and that I'd like to get to know them as a friend. Throw in feminine wiles and good looks and I'm gone already hehe. So that was a nice revelation for me. Of course, the tricky bit is now working out what 'compatibility' is based on. Distance? How often you see someone? How 'nice' they are? If they open your driver door for you once you've let them into the passenger seat? Goodness knows hehe... That is seriously the hardest bit, and it's the bit I haven't worked out yet.
Interestingly, talking to another friend who's having a hard time here with a guy who is interested in her - she's not sure if she's into him, and from the sounds of things, he's not entirely sure if he's into her either. A bit of a tough one. We talked about it all, and at one stage I thought back to a girl I'd liked in my first year of work. I was never sure if I liked her. At times I'd be crazy about her, at others she'd annoy me and I'd think to myself how I could ever like her so much at other times. Turns out now that I don't think we were compatible. What helped me to see clearly was that she got a b/f a while ago, which of course cancelled out any thoughts I had at the time. Looking back now I don't think we would have worked. But of course, when you're in the thick of it you can't see with that clarity hehe. The thing that got my friend and I was that we could spend years wondering about it - wondering if we'd work out with person X or person Y. Because we don't know what it takes to be 'compatible', what it takes for someone to be right?
The problem being, common sense suggests that if you can't make up your mind after a period of time (of course, the question is, what is that period of time? 1 week? 1 month? 6 months?) then it obviously isn't right, because you would have your answer already. I like that idea, but because the period of time is so open to interpretation and just general 'unknowning-ness', it's hard to put into practice. I know I couldn't do it with the girl in first year. Even if it did make sense. The other thing I realised is that right now we have so much trouble working out if someone is right or now - perhaps that's a sign it's not right. Maybe one day we will meet someone we really do like, and we'll feel so confident to talk to them and they will feel the same way. If that ever happens, and it works out (at least for a while), then it'd kinda show that all that thought about whether someone is right or not really is pointless and if that thought needs to happen for too long then it really is not going to work. Something very much to ponder!
So my mission for now is to find out what 'compatibility' is!
Sunday, 20 August 2006, 22:07 +0800 GMT
A while ago a new advisor started in the internal audit side of our division. It was quite amusing that I found out she was starting from my best friend, who knew her from uni, rather than from internally within the firm. I'd spoken to her a bit before we met at work, just through my friend's MSN. Meeting her was really good - I guess someone a good friend knows comes with an implicit recommendation of being a 'good' person, if you know what I mean. It was fun to have someone in the division that I felt I knew a bit already, so the ice didn't really need to be broken. We got on pretty well - she's pretty blur and sometimes is just a bit weird, but on the whole, a very nice person.
After a while I found myself really attracted to her. Not really sure what to do I talked to a few people about it and the consensus was not to do anything about it. So I didn't. And now, I find myself glad that I didn't. She's a great person, very pretty and just generally 'nice', but it wouldn't work out. And when that hit me, I suddenly realised something important. I think back about most of the people I'd felt attracted to recently, and realised that they all had exactly the same basic traits (besides being at least partly Asian :D). They were all 'pretty' and 'nice'. And that's seriously all. I was falling for good looks and a decent personality. Spoke to a good friend about it. He mentioned the concept of 'compatibility'. Basically, as men, we are almost inextricably doomed to fall for looks. Let's just be totally open and honest about it, because it's the truth. In every guy's head, there is a certain number out of 10 for looks - below that, it's unlikely he will be interested (at least not initially, without *knowing* the person) in the girl as more than a friend. Then it moves on to compatibility.
That's where I fall over. Meeting random girls, if they are pretty, I will inevitably think I am falling for them. Ironically, if they were a guy, I would probably just think they were a nice person and that I'd like to get to know them as a friend. Throw in feminine wiles and good looks and I'm gone already hehe. So that was a nice revelation for me. Of course, the tricky bit is now working out what 'compatibility' is based on. Distance? How often you see someone? How 'nice' they are? If they open your driver door for you once you've let them into the passenger seat? Goodness knows hehe... That is seriously the hardest bit, and it's the bit I haven't worked out yet.
Interestingly, talking to another friend who's having a hard time here with a guy who is interested in her - she's not sure if she's into him, and from the sounds of things, he's not entirely sure if he's into her either. A bit of a tough one. We talked about it all, and at one stage I thought back to a girl I'd liked in my first year of work. I was never sure if I liked her. At times I'd be crazy about her, at others she'd annoy me and I'd think to myself how I could ever like her so much at other times. Turns out now that I don't think we were compatible. What helped me to see clearly was that she got a b/f a while ago, which of course cancelled out any thoughts I had at the time. Looking back now I don't think we would have worked. But of course, when you're in the thick of it you can't see with that clarity hehe. The thing that got my friend and I was that we could spend years wondering about it - wondering if we'd work out with person X or person Y. Because we don't know what it takes to be 'compatible', what it takes for someone to be right?
The problem being, common sense suggests that if you can't make up your mind after a period of time (of course, the question is, what is that period of time? 1 week? 1 month? 6 months?) then it obviously isn't right, because you would have your answer already. I like that idea, but because the period of time is so open to interpretation and just general 'unknowning-ness', it's hard to put into practice. I know I couldn't do it with the girl in first year. Even if it did make sense. The other thing I realised is that right now we have so much trouble working out if someone is right or now - perhaps that's a sign it's not right. Maybe one day we will meet someone we really do like, and we'll feel so confident to talk to them and they will feel the same way. If that ever happens, and it works out (at least for a while), then it'd kinda show that all that thought about whether someone is right or not really is pointless and if that thought needs to happen for too long then it really is not going to work. Something very much to ponder!
So my mission for now is to find out what 'compatibility' is!
Friday Friend
Sunday, 20 August 2006, 21:59 +0800 GMT
My good friend & colleagues ex-boyfriend was in town from Singapore recently. I tagged along with her to meet him a few times, which was great. He's a pretty cool guy - a bit intense and suspicious maybe, but pretty easy going and friendly. On Friday night about 2 weeks ago he had a party at his accommodation up in Joondalup. I was very tired and well on the way to becoming very alcohol-happy, and didn't really want to go as I felt I didn't know him enough. But my friend and another colleague were going and managed to twist my arm into going. I was really glad they did, too. We had a fantastic time! I met a guy there who worked for a very large company that we audit, and my colleague and I had a lively chat with him about the audit and our jobs in general, which was refreshing. When the conversation with him broke up about 45 minutes later, I turned around and bumped into one of my friend's ex boyfriends, who is also a very cool dude. We got talking and as luck would have it, he'd been to Japan recently. So 1.5 hours later, I'd picked up a whole heap of tips about where to go and what to do in Japan. I've been pretty luck really hehe. There was also a friend of my friend there, who apparently did engineering but is now very artsy, and is really into cameras. I would have loved to talk to her for a while about photography etc, but my colleagues were getting tired and wanted to go. I contemplated staying for a while, especially since a few of the people there had to come back down my way to get home anyway...or were staying the night :) I would have loved to do that, and chat with them, but I felt kinda awkward given that I didn't know the guy whose house it was very well, plus the fact I couldn't guarantee that the people I wanted to talk to were going to stay very long. So I came home. Regardless, it was a great night. I'm hoping to be able to catch up with those people again at some point, given they're friends of my good friend =) Will see what happens.
Sunday, 20 August 2006, 21:59 +0800 GMT
My good friend & colleagues ex-boyfriend was in town from Singapore recently. I tagged along with her to meet him a few times, which was great. He's a pretty cool guy - a bit intense and suspicious maybe, but pretty easy going and friendly. On Friday night about 2 weeks ago he had a party at his accommodation up in Joondalup. I was very tired and well on the way to becoming very alcohol-happy, and didn't really want to go as I felt I didn't know him enough. But my friend and another colleague were going and managed to twist my arm into going. I was really glad they did, too. We had a fantastic time! I met a guy there who worked for a very large company that we audit, and my colleague and I had a lively chat with him about the audit and our jobs in general, which was refreshing. When the conversation with him broke up about 45 minutes later, I turned around and bumped into one of my friend's ex boyfriends, who is also a very cool dude. We got talking and as luck would have it, he'd been to Japan recently. So 1.5 hours later, I'd picked up a whole heap of tips about where to go and what to do in Japan. I've been pretty luck really hehe. There was also a friend of my friend there, who apparently did engineering but is now very artsy, and is really into cameras. I would have loved to talk to her for a while about photography etc, but my colleagues were getting tired and wanted to go. I contemplated staying for a while, especially since a few of the people there had to come back down my way to get home anyway...or were staying the night :) I would have loved to do that, and chat with them, but I felt kinda awkward given that I didn't know the guy whose house it was very well, plus the fact I couldn't guarantee that the people I wanted to talk to were going to stay very long. So I came home. Regardless, it was a great night. I'm hoping to be able to catch up with those people again at some point, given they're friends of my good friend =) Will see what happens.
House Entrance
Sunday, 20 August 2006, 21:53 +0800 GMT
I saw a house in a posh suburb the other day with a really nice entrance way. It looked like the entrance to a tomb - a long corridor between two walls that opened out into a small foyer near the front door. I can imagine small ponds and lots of greenery in there, with a shoe rack and so on...I'd love to have that kind of thing in my 'hope-to-have' Japanese themed house :) There are a lot of really nice houses out there. I always get upset because I can't put my images in my head onto paper to show an architect what I want - but if I can find the best bits and pieces from various houses that I really really like, perhaps I can build a house that way. Takes some of the stress away from my mind :)
Sunday, 20 August 2006, 21:53 +0800 GMT
I saw a house in a posh suburb the other day with a really nice entrance way. It looked like the entrance to a tomb - a long corridor between two walls that opened out into a small foyer near the front door. I can imagine small ponds and lots of greenery in there, with a shoe rack and so on...I'd love to have that kind of thing in my 'hope-to-have' Japanese themed house :) There are a lot of really nice houses out there. I always get upset because I can't put my images in my head onto paper to show an architect what I want - but if I can find the best bits and pieces from various houses that I really really like, perhaps I can build a house that way. Takes some of the stress away from my mind :)
Chump Change
Sunday, 13 August 2006, 23:56 +0800 GMT
Strikes me that I'm not a very happy person in general. I'd like to change that, but I don't know how. I play a lot of computer games and otherwise spend a lot of time on my computer. And that makes me happy, usually. When I play a good round of Counter Strike (rarely), I feel great. When I'm coding, I feel stressed and busy, but fantastic at the end of it. All the time, I question myself, second guessing my addiction to computing. I am not a social person, but should I be? Do I need to be, to get and please a girlfriend? I like to think the answer to that question is no. An emphatic no! I shouldn't have to change what I like and what I am to be happy. I shouldn't have to stop playing xBox and computer. Should I? Perhaps the *amount* I play, as a compromise, yes. But I will keep on playing my games and doing my computer things until the day they no longer interest me. And I think that is a very, very long time away!
Sunday, 13 August 2006, 23:56 +0800 GMT
Strikes me that I'm not a very happy person in general. I'd like to change that, but I don't know how. I play a lot of computer games and otherwise spend a lot of time on my computer. And that makes me happy, usually. When I play a good round of Counter Strike (rarely), I feel great. When I'm coding, I feel stressed and busy, but fantastic at the end of it. All the time, I question myself, second guessing my addiction to computing. I am not a social person, but should I be? Do I need to be, to get and please a girlfriend? I like to think the answer to that question is no. An emphatic no! I shouldn't have to change what I like and what I am to be happy. I shouldn't have to stop playing xBox and computer. Should I? Perhaps the *amount* I play, as a compromise, yes. But I will keep on playing my games and doing my computer things until the day they no longer interest me. And I think that is a very, very long time away!
Scrubs
Sunday, 13 August 2006, 23:47 +0800 GMT
Scrubs is a cool medical comedy program, about a group of med students who become doctors in a hospital. The thing I really like about it is that it covers 'real life' topics, which are serious, but almost always has an upbeat attitude about it. At the end of an episode you feel you've experienced something, and learnt something about life. It's a bit like Captain Planet, where he always taught a good recycling/'earth care' tip at the end. With Scrubs it's more about relationships or interpersonal relations, but same idea. For me, I can especially relate to most of the episodes. It's a bit scary to say, but I feel I've really learnt a few things from Scrubs. Sounds silly, learning life skills from a medical comedy, but it's true. And hey, I'll learn from whatever I can, provided I feel the learning is relevant and accurate. I suppose it's another reason why I really enjoy Scrubs - seriously, go watch it :) You might learn something.
Sunday, 13 August 2006, 23:47 +0800 GMT
Scrubs is a cool medical comedy program, about a group of med students who become doctors in a hospital. The thing I really like about it is that it covers 'real life' topics, which are serious, but almost always has an upbeat attitude about it. At the end of an episode you feel you've experienced something, and learnt something about life. It's a bit like Captain Planet, where he always taught a good recycling/'earth care' tip at the end. With Scrubs it's more about relationships or interpersonal relations, but same idea. For me, I can especially relate to most of the episodes. It's a bit scary to say, but I feel I've really learnt a few things from Scrubs. Sounds silly, learning life skills from a medical comedy, but it's true. And hey, I'll learn from whatever I can, provided I feel the learning is relevant and accurate. I suppose it's another reason why I really enjoy Scrubs - seriously, go watch it :) You might learn something.
Sociology
Sunday, 13 August 2006, 23:38 +0800 GMT
One of my house mates is studying sociology at university - from what little I've seen of what she has to do, it looks bloody interesting (and hard). I think I'd go nuts if I had to study it, but it is one of the most fun things to discuss! We've had some great discussions about the construct of gender, anthropology, the impact and construction of religion and culture, the use of 'science' in anthropology and biology and so on. These are the kinds of things I don't know much about, but I love to discuss. It's taught me that I don't much about much, really. I know a lot about computer science, but very little about a lot else. Although I have a basic education in chemistry, physics and so on, there's a lot more to the world that we don't know. Obviously what you're interested in guides your learning, so computers are my main focus. But it's very nice to be able to pick up interesting knowledge along the way through open discussions with friends and house mates - I really enjoy hearingabout and discussing what my house mate is doing for sociology!
Sunday, 13 August 2006, 23:38 +0800 GMT
One of my house mates is studying sociology at university - from what little I've seen of what she has to do, it looks bloody interesting (and hard). I think I'd go nuts if I had to study it, but it is one of the most fun things to discuss! We've had some great discussions about the construct of gender, anthropology, the impact and construction of religion and culture, the use of 'science' in anthropology and biology and so on. These are the kinds of things I don't know much about, but I love to discuss. It's taught me that I don't much about much, really. I know a lot about computer science, but very little about a lot else. Although I have a basic education in chemistry, physics and so on, there's a lot more to the world that we don't know. Obviously what you're interested in guides your learning, so computers are my main focus. But it's very nice to be able to pick up interesting knowledge along the way through open discussions with friends and house mates - I really enjoy hearingabout and discussing what my house mate is doing for sociology!
Assertiveness
Sunday, 13 August 2006, 23:28 +0800 GMT
I've finally decided to do something about my lack of assertiveness. Literally anyone can just walk over the top of me on certain things, especially at work. I need to learn to say no, I need to learn to be more assertive, just to the extent that I become a normal 'male' and can bloody have some normal conversations where I stick up for myself, put forward my ideas and am generally a functioning member of society. I have no idea how I became this introverted and un-assertive. I can't even decide what I want for dinner at night if I'm going out, just in case I decide to go somewhere that someone else doesn't want to go. I will sacrifice my own happiness for someone else's, quite easily. I need to stop doing that. So that's my challenge. I tried it at work. I put forward my ideas, and I try to put strength into arguments and points of view. I've always been cautious and open to changing my point of view, especially if there is not a lot of supporting evidence behind it. I need to learn to do that in an open and reasonable way though. I need to get involved in (nice) arguments to strengthen me. Of course, the thing to be careful of is that I don't suddenly go too far and start being overly assertive - crushing others' points of view, disagreeing for the sake of it and generally being a dick. There still needs to be consensus and compromise. I'm looking forward to it ... hopefully it'll make me a happier person, too.
Sunday, 13 August 2006, 23:28 +0800 GMT
I've finally decided to do something about my lack of assertiveness. Literally anyone can just walk over the top of me on certain things, especially at work. I need to learn to say no, I need to learn to be more assertive, just to the extent that I become a normal 'male' and can bloody have some normal conversations where I stick up for myself, put forward my ideas and am generally a functioning member of society. I have no idea how I became this introverted and un-assertive. I can't even decide what I want for dinner at night if I'm going out, just in case I decide to go somewhere that someone else doesn't want to go. I will sacrifice my own happiness for someone else's, quite easily. I need to stop doing that. So that's my challenge. I tried it at work. I put forward my ideas, and I try to put strength into arguments and points of view. I've always been cautious and open to changing my point of view, especially if there is not a lot of supporting evidence behind it. I need to learn to do that in an open and reasonable way though. I need to get involved in (nice) arguments to strengthen me. Of course, the thing to be careful of is that I don't suddenly go too far and start being overly assertive - crushing others' points of view, disagreeing for the sake of it and generally being a dick. There still needs to be consensus and compromise. I'm looking forward to it ... hopefully it'll make me a happier person, too.
Walking Before Running
Sunday, 13 August 2006, 23:14 +0800 GMT
I can't actually remember what I wanted to write here. I've been noting down things to write about for the past few months without ever actually getting around to doing it. Haven't really been in the mood. Regardless, it's a good general principle, so I've put it in anyway hehe. I think what it was in relation to was that I have a general motto that I've assumed which is 'you'll never be any good at anything in life other than work', which stems from the fact that all I ever seem to do is work. There's never enough time for me to get good at anything else, so I don't bother. It's not giving up as such, because I don't give up at things I know I can be good at. It's just a lack of motivation to try anything, because I know I can never be good at it. That was my motto for so long, and still is. But I think it has been tempered by the fact that I thought to myself the other day, if I had been going to Wing Chun since April, when I gave up, that I would probably be quite a bit better at it. Of course, not having that insight, I'd still be despairing that I was no good. But in comparison, I'd probably be better than in April. Not a lot, perhaps, but at least somewhat. And that gave me a little hope, I suppose. Hope that even if I won't ever be a master, or even a good practitioner, that I may at least be a somewhat not half bad practitioner. And it goes for other things as well. A small light of hope in an otherwise dark and stormy sea.
Sunday, 13 August 2006, 23:14 +0800 GMT
I can't actually remember what I wanted to write here. I've been noting down things to write about for the past few months without ever actually getting around to doing it. Haven't really been in the mood. Regardless, it's a good general principle, so I've put it in anyway hehe. I think what it was in relation to was that I have a general motto that I've assumed which is 'you'll never be any good at anything in life other than work', which stems from the fact that all I ever seem to do is work. There's never enough time for me to get good at anything else, so I don't bother. It's not giving up as such, because I don't give up at things I know I can be good at. It's just a lack of motivation to try anything, because I know I can never be good at it. That was my motto for so long, and still is. But I think it has been tempered by the fact that I thought to myself the other day, if I had been going to Wing Chun since April, when I gave up, that I would probably be quite a bit better at it. Of course, not having that insight, I'd still be despairing that I was no good. But in comparison, I'd probably be better than in April. Not a lot, perhaps, but at least somewhat. And that gave me a little hope, I suppose. Hope that even if I won't ever be a master, or even a good practitioner, that I may at least be a somewhat not half bad practitioner. And it goes for other things as well. A small light of hope in an otherwise dark and stormy sea.
The Dirt On Me
Sunday, 13 August 2006, 23:01 +0800 GMT
Speaking to a friend recently, he gave me some honest insights into some negative aspects that he has seen develop in me over the past few years. I really value that kind of feedback, and coming from a best friend who knows how to put it in a way that makes you listen and understand, it's even more valuable. Essentially, he mentioned two things - that I tend to go behind people's backs (or am just generally not assertive enough/don't speak up enough) and that unless I have some hot girl on my mind, I'm not happy. And he's right on both counts. I find that I don't deliberately go out to go behind people's backs, it's just that I'm generally not confident or assertive enough to stand up and speak to them about something, or to speak out about something. And it inevitably ends up bugging me enough to speak to my friends about - e.g. 'I really hate it when person X does this' etc. That all ties in with my moves to become more assertive (see later entry). The other part is that I'm not happy unless I have a hot girl on my mind. Which is also true. Except for the happy bit. I'm not happy, either way hehe. I think what that's all about is that I tend to fall for people very fast, without knowing why. I've learnt more about this since my friend told me about it, again, see my later entry. I know this is a bit of pansy entry, but it wasn't intended to be - I just learnt more since I noted down that I wanted to write about this, and wrote about those learnings in other entries - but at the same time wanted to keep this entry in anyway hehe.
Sunday, 13 August 2006, 23:01 +0800 GMT
Speaking to a friend recently, he gave me some honest insights into some negative aspects that he has seen develop in me over the past few years. I really value that kind of feedback, and coming from a best friend who knows how to put it in a way that makes you listen and understand, it's even more valuable. Essentially, he mentioned two things - that I tend to go behind people's backs (or am just generally not assertive enough/don't speak up enough) and that unless I have some hot girl on my mind, I'm not happy. And he's right on both counts. I find that I don't deliberately go out to go behind people's backs, it's just that I'm generally not confident or assertive enough to stand up and speak to them about something, or to speak out about something. And it inevitably ends up bugging me enough to speak to my friends about - e.g. 'I really hate it when person X does this' etc. That all ties in with my moves to become more assertive (see later entry). The other part is that I'm not happy unless I have a hot girl on my mind. Which is also true. Except for the happy bit. I'm not happy, either way hehe. I think what that's all about is that I tend to fall for people very fast, without knowing why. I've learnt more about this since my friend told me about it, again, see my later entry. I know this is a bit of pansy entry, but it wasn't intended to be - I just learnt more since I noted down that I wanted to write about this, and wrote about those learnings in other entries - but at the same time wanted to keep this entry in anyway hehe.
Shit Weekend
Sunday, 13 August 2006, 22:53 +0800 GMT
Hehe I can't even really remember what this entry was supposed to be about. Most of my weekends are shit, they all just blend into one another. I think it was to do with a weekend soon after I moved out, that just really upset me. My normal routine on the weekends is to get up at about 12 noon. Both days. That's fine when you only have your own chores to worry about at home. Living out of home, you now need to worry about washing and so on. With work being shit and tiring, I woke up tired, I remember. I went to put my washing on, but my housemate's was still going. From here, things just got worse. While I waited for his washing, I cleaned my bathroom and room. It was nearly 2pm by the time I got my washing on. Naturally, the washing machine is tiny and it takes me about three loads to do a week of washing (5 shirts, a t-shirt and pair of shorts, maybe a pair of jeans and another t-shirt, 7 undies and 7 pairs of socks, a hand and bath towel and sheets/pillow cases). And of course, the washing machine is bloody slow as well. So I only got one load of washing done by 4pm. And to top of all off, it was raining. I nearly just sat down and cried, that's how shit I felt. I wanted to go out at night, but had no car. The bus system was going to take me nearly 2 hours to get home, and to get onto the next bus was impossible because I hadn't showered. I hadn't gotten and web site work or computer maintenance done. And naturally, without a car, I was likely to get stuck at home all night when I wanted to see my friend. Thankfully, my room mate took me home (I could tell he wasn't that happy about it, so I'm all the more grateful!). I've never been so happy to see my parents, ever hehe. Grabbing the car from them I felt a lot better - independent I guess. I felt like a bit of a pansy, feeling so reliant upon them. But with the amount of stress I have at work at the moment, and from moving out so suddenly and really being a little bit unaware of what needs to be done in a house and how long it takes (especially with my sleeping hours), I don't feel that bad about it. I went to see my friend and from there, things got a lot better :) Note to self - get a bloody car, and SOON. It makes life so much more happy.
Sunday, 13 August 2006, 22:53 +0800 GMT
Hehe I can't even really remember what this entry was supposed to be about. Most of my weekends are shit, they all just blend into one another. I think it was to do with a weekend soon after I moved out, that just really upset me. My normal routine on the weekends is to get up at about 12 noon. Both days. That's fine when you only have your own chores to worry about at home. Living out of home, you now need to worry about washing and so on. With work being shit and tiring, I woke up tired, I remember. I went to put my washing on, but my housemate's was still going. From here, things just got worse. While I waited for his washing, I cleaned my bathroom and room. It was nearly 2pm by the time I got my washing on. Naturally, the washing machine is tiny and it takes me about three loads to do a week of washing (5 shirts, a t-shirt and pair of shorts, maybe a pair of jeans and another t-shirt, 7 undies and 7 pairs of socks, a hand and bath towel and sheets/pillow cases). And of course, the washing machine is bloody slow as well. So I only got one load of washing done by 4pm. And to top of all off, it was raining. I nearly just sat down and cried, that's how shit I felt. I wanted to go out at night, but had no car. The bus system was going to take me nearly 2 hours to get home, and to get onto the next bus was impossible because I hadn't showered. I hadn't gotten and web site work or computer maintenance done. And naturally, without a car, I was likely to get stuck at home all night when I wanted to see my friend. Thankfully, my room mate took me home (I could tell he wasn't that happy about it, so I'm all the more grateful!). I've never been so happy to see my parents, ever hehe. Grabbing the car from them I felt a lot better - independent I guess. I felt like a bit of a pansy, feeling so reliant upon them. But with the amount of stress I have at work at the moment, and from moving out so suddenly and really being a little bit unaware of what needs to be done in a house and how long it takes (especially with my sleeping hours), I don't feel that bad about it. I went to see my friend and from there, things got a lot better :) Note to self - get a bloody car, and SOON. It makes life so much more happy.
Sister Visit!
Sunday, 13 August 2006, 22:45 +0800 GMT
My sister visited almost out of the blue in late July, much to my delight. I hadn't seen her for about 6 months, so it was lovely to catch up. We didn't have much of a chance to speak to each other as she was very busy seeing her friends and my parents, but we did catch up a few times. I brought her to see my house and took her to dinner at a hawker place near my parents house. Also managed to see her for afternoon tea on the day before she left, which was a great time out from work. We went up to a trendy cafe in the CBD. Caught up on old times and talked about parents and so on, and then she was gone. I was kind of upset that she was leaving so quickly and that we hadn't had a chance to spend more time with each other. It'll be a long time before I see her again - possible more than a year, possible much more than a year. We're twins, and although I don't believe in twin 'connections' that people talk about, I do feel connected to her at some low level. It's as if we're never really apart, and when we're together it's always just like old times. Naturally, with telecommunications as good as they are she's never more than a dial tone away, which is very nice. Can't wait to see her again :)
Sunday, 13 August 2006, 22:45 +0800 GMT
My sister visited almost out of the blue in late July, much to my delight. I hadn't seen her for about 6 months, so it was lovely to catch up. We didn't have much of a chance to speak to each other as she was very busy seeing her friends and my parents, but we did catch up a few times. I brought her to see my house and took her to dinner at a hawker place near my parents house. Also managed to see her for afternoon tea on the day before she left, which was a great time out from work. We went up to a trendy cafe in the CBD. Caught up on old times and talked about parents and so on, and then she was gone. I was kind of upset that she was leaving so quickly and that we hadn't had a chance to spend more time with each other. It'll be a long time before I see her again - possible more than a year, possible much more than a year. We're twins, and although I don't believe in twin 'connections' that people talk about, I do feel connected to her at some low level. It's as if we're never really apart, and when we're together it's always just like old times. Naturally, with telecommunications as good as they are she's never more than a dial tone away, which is very nice. Can't wait to see her again :)
Books - Bryson, Art of War, Romancing, Lonely Planet
Sunday, 13 August 2006, 22:36 +0800 GMT
I've been getting back into reading books lately, somewhat. I figured that instead of wasting the time I spend on the bus in the mornings and evenings (about 40 - 50 minutes all up), I should spend it productively. It's a time when I have nothing else to do, literally, so it's one of the few times during the day I will actually read. So far I've read two books - Magician by Raymond E. Feist and A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson - both excellent reads! I've picked up a copy of Sun Tsu's Art of War and Luo's The Romancing of the Three Kingdoms as well, hopefully get around to reading them soon too - although they may be more of a challenge than I can face when I'm half asleep on the bus :) Also did a bit of reading of Cryptography and Network Security by William Stallings. Seems pretty cool, but again, a bit too much for me on the bus when I'm tired.
My house mates have just gotten some bookshelves in for all their books, which is really cool. They like to read similar things - Science Fiction & Fantasy, so if I'm lucky I'll be able to grab some of their books to read as well :)
Sunday, 13 August 2006, 22:36 +0800 GMT
I've been getting back into reading books lately, somewhat. I figured that instead of wasting the time I spend on the bus in the mornings and evenings (about 40 - 50 minutes all up), I should spend it productively. It's a time when I have nothing else to do, literally, so it's one of the few times during the day I will actually read. So far I've read two books - Magician by Raymond E. Feist and A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson - both excellent reads! I've picked up a copy of Sun Tsu's Art of War and Luo's The Romancing of the Three Kingdoms as well, hopefully get around to reading them soon too - although they may be more of a challenge than I can face when I'm half asleep on the bus :) Also did a bit of reading of Cryptography and Network Security by William Stallings. Seems pretty cool, but again, a bit too much for me on the bus when I'm tired.
My house mates have just gotten some bookshelves in for all their books, which is really cool. They like to read similar things - Science Fiction & Fantasy, so if I'm lucky I'll be able to grab some of their books to read as well :)
DVDs
Sunday, 13 August 2006, 22:25 +0800 GMT
Picked up the first 9 seasons of the X-files recently, for $26 a season! Was very stoked about that. Almost doubled my DVD collection hahaha. Strikes me that I really don't have many DVDs. There are so many out there that I want to buy, but I can't afford to :( Will have to wait and see, and get more senior at work - then splurge =)
Sunday, 13 August 2006, 22:25 +0800 GMT
Picked up the first 9 seasons of the X-files recently, for $26 a season! Was very stoked about that. Almost doubled my DVD collection hahaha. Strikes me that I really don't have many DVDs. There are so many out there that I want to buy, but I can't afford to :( Will have to wait and see, and get more senior at work - then splurge =)
Small Place Yes, Cultural Desert (?)
Sunday, 13 August 2006, 22:19 +0800 GMT
Where I live is a relatively small place. With just over 1,000,000 people and a CBD/suburb area where almost everything and everyone is 15 minutes from the city, it's a great place to live. Being so small however, has ramifications. The normal 6 degrees of separation becomes 2. Which is very scary. Some total random will pretty much be guaranteed to know you somehow - high school friend, uni colleague, friend of parents and so on. The other problem that a lot of people tout is that this place is a cultural desert. Our own country-people rate us as the worst or 2nd worse place to visit in the whole of this country. Ironically, our standard of living here is well within the top 10 in the world. It's true, we don't have a lot here worth doing unless you head 3+ hours out of the city. Saturday nights aren't very flexible and our clubs don't do much for a lot of people. We have great beaches and weather, and that's about it. But seriously, I wouldn't change where I live. I've been through Europe and parts of Asia and my own country, and I would definitely choose to live right here where I am currently. Because I haven't seen a better place to live, really - yet :) And like a lot of people say, this place is great to raise children and retire.
Sunday, 13 August 2006, 22:19 +0800 GMT
Where I live is a relatively small place. With just over 1,000,000 people and a CBD/suburb area where almost everything and everyone is 15 minutes from the city, it's a great place to live. Being so small however, has ramifications. The normal 6 degrees of separation becomes 2. Which is very scary. Some total random will pretty much be guaranteed to know you somehow - high school friend, uni colleague, friend of parents and so on. The other problem that a lot of people tout is that this place is a cultural desert. Our own country-people rate us as the worst or 2nd worse place to visit in the whole of this country. Ironically, our standard of living here is well within the top 10 in the world. It's true, we don't have a lot here worth doing unless you head 3+ hours out of the city. Saturday nights aren't very flexible and our clubs don't do much for a lot of people. We have great beaches and weather, and that's about it. But seriously, I wouldn't change where I live. I've been through Europe and parts of Asia and my own country, and I would definitely choose to live right here where I am currently. Because I haven't seen a better place to live, really - yet :) And like a lot of people say, this place is great to raise children and retire.
Old Uni Colleague
Sunday, 13 August 2006, 22:03 +0800 GMT
A while ago we had a charity 'drinks' on a Friday night. We get presented to on how our office fund raising is going, supporting charities like the Cancer Council and a childrens hospital. It's kind of pointless, but it's a great 'get the whole firm together' event, and we'd be having drinks anyway so it's not like we're using the fundraising money for it :) It was nice to see that we are raising a lot of money and doing a lot of good for the community. The night itself was quite slow, really. It was early in external audit's busy season, and literally nobody from there turned up. I think they were all either still working or too tired to come in hehe. There were a lot of tax people there however, and I saw an old uni 'colleague' I hadn't seen for a while. She works in taxation, so I never really see her. We never really knew each other that well I guess, but we'd talked a few times and I would have felt certain we would talk more when we were working at the same firm. But we didn't, and we don't. Kinda makes me upset. I mean, I could go up to her and start a conversation I'm sure, but I get the impression she doesn't really want to talk to me. She could always start the conversation with me, I suppose. *shrugs* just hurts a bit when there's someone I know who doesn't seem to want to talk. Perhaps I'm imagining it and she doesn't really care either way, or she just doesn't want to be the person to start the conversation. *shrugs*. I would, but I don't know if she doesn't want to talk to me. There'd be nothing worse than starting a conversation with someone who didn't want to talk to you, putting them in a bad spot. I guess I shouldn't really care. I'm trying to be more assertive, and I figure if she isn't assertive enough to get out of a situation she doesn't want to be in, too bad. At least then I'd know if she did want to talk to me or not. Hehe think I'll try it. I should stop worrying about this stuff, it's basic interpersonal relationships and I have so much trouble...makes me come across like a freak hahaha. So beware, hopefully a more assertive 'say what he thinks' me is coming to a conversation near you soon >:)
Sunday, 13 August 2006, 22:03 +0800 GMT
A while ago we had a charity 'drinks' on a Friday night. We get presented to on how our office fund raising is going, supporting charities like the Cancer Council and a childrens hospital. It's kind of pointless, but it's a great 'get the whole firm together' event, and we'd be having drinks anyway so it's not like we're using the fundraising money for it :) It was nice to see that we are raising a lot of money and doing a lot of good for the community. The night itself was quite slow, really. It was early in external audit's busy season, and literally nobody from there turned up. I think they were all either still working or too tired to come in hehe. There were a lot of tax people there however, and I saw an old uni 'colleague' I hadn't seen for a while. She works in taxation, so I never really see her. We never really knew each other that well I guess, but we'd talked a few times and I would have felt certain we would talk more when we were working at the same firm. But we didn't, and we don't. Kinda makes me upset. I mean, I could go up to her and start a conversation I'm sure, but I get the impression she doesn't really want to talk to me. She could always start the conversation with me, I suppose. *shrugs* just hurts a bit when there's someone I know who doesn't seem to want to talk. Perhaps I'm imagining it and she doesn't really care either way, or she just doesn't want to be the person to start the conversation. *shrugs*. I would, but I don't know if she doesn't want to talk to me. There'd be nothing worse than starting a conversation with someone who didn't want to talk to you, putting them in a bad spot. I guess I shouldn't really care. I'm trying to be more assertive, and I figure if she isn't assertive enough to get out of a situation she doesn't want to be in, too bad. At least then I'd know if she did want to talk to me or not. Hehe think I'll try it. I should stop worrying about this stuff, it's basic interpersonal relationships and I have so much trouble...makes me come across like a freak hahaha. So beware, hopefully a more assertive 'say what he thinks' me is coming to a conversation near you soon >:)
House Shopping!
Sunday, 13 August 2006, 21:42 +0800 GMT
One thing about moving out of home is that you tend to need furniture. As a household, we need bookshelves, DVD racks, and I could really do with a new bed. What's bad about this is trying to find something *nice*. I have this problem with everything - I don't just take something 'good enough'. I want the best thing I can get - that suits my tastes and price range. If it's out of my price range, it's not 'best' because I can't afford it - that's how I work things that are really really nice but too expensive hehe. My major difficulty is translating images of what I want from my head into reality. I can see it in my mind but I can't draw or describe it. And let's face it, the chance to find exactly what I want out there is very minimal. Luckily for me, sometimes I jag it. Or looking for what I want, I come across something different I hadn't considered before, but that is also really really nice and that I'd be happy with.
So furniture is unfortunately like that. Which means I normally need to visit a lot of places. I went to Freedom, actually, a while ago - and some of the stuff they had in there was *really* nice. Corner lounges and so on. I'd love to have them in my real house that I will one day (hopefully) buy. Not for now though - a shared, rented house is not the place for the stuff you love, even if your house mates look after it hehe. I'm kinda looking forward to the whole setting up my own house thing hehe. If possible, I'd love to give it an ultra modern feel with a Japanese theme. Plenty of thin sliding doors, clear and frosted glass, smooth surfaces, tatami bedrooms and so on. Along with all the modern trappings - projector & theatre surround sound, those 'modern' lounge shapes, stainless steel appliances and a crystal clean kitchen. Lots of marble floors, indoor gardens and ponds and so on. It'd be so lovely :P One day, I might earn enough money to do that hehe...maybe when (if) I'm a partner hehe.
Sunday, 13 August 2006, 21:42 +0800 GMT
One thing about moving out of home is that you tend to need furniture. As a household, we need bookshelves, DVD racks, and I could really do with a new bed. What's bad about this is trying to find something *nice*. I have this problem with everything - I don't just take something 'good enough'. I want the best thing I can get - that suits my tastes and price range. If it's out of my price range, it's not 'best' because I can't afford it - that's how I work things that are really really nice but too expensive hehe. My major difficulty is translating images of what I want from my head into reality. I can see it in my mind but I can't draw or describe it. And let's face it, the chance to find exactly what I want out there is very minimal. Luckily for me, sometimes I jag it. Or looking for what I want, I come across something different I hadn't considered before, but that is also really really nice and that I'd be happy with.
So furniture is unfortunately like that. Which means I normally need to visit a lot of places. I went to Freedom, actually, a while ago - and some of the stuff they had in there was *really* nice. Corner lounges and so on. I'd love to have them in my real house that I will one day (hopefully) buy. Not for now though - a shared, rented house is not the place for the stuff you love, even if your house mates look after it hehe. I'm kinda looking forward to the whole setting up my own house thing hehe. If possible, I'd love to give it an ultra modern feel with a Japanese theme. Plenty of thin sliding doors, clear and frosted glass, smooth surfaces, tatami bedrooms and so on. Along with all the modern trappings - projector & theatre surround sound, those 'modern' lounge shapes, stainless steel appliances and a crystal clean kitchen. Lots of marble floors, indoor gardens and ponds and so on. It'd be so lovely :P One day, I might earn enough money to do that hehe...maybe when (if) I'm a partner hehe.
Finally, Dynamic CMS!
Sunday, 13 August 2006, 21:24 +0800 GMT
Most of my friends run beautiful, dynamic, server generated content-managed web sites. Of which I'm very envious, given my horribly static site (including this journal which is nearing 700KB long). So I've finally decided that it's time to redo my web page into the dynamic, content-managed site I've always wanted. Thing that has stopped me before is a lack of skills and a fear that I will write poor or insecure software. I figure I will need software design skills, HTML, CSS, JavaScript, Perl and SQL skills to actually get this done. All of these I've covered somewhat at uni during my degree, although they are very rusty. My biggest fear is that I design my software poorly - because although I know how to write 'good' programs (modularisation etc.), I don't know how to write 'good' web programs. Sure, they incorporate all the generic 'good' programs things, but then I have to worry about authentication and making it so it's expandable and so on.
But it's ok, I'm really looking forward to it as a challenge. I'm just going to start at a very high level and work out everything I want and a nice program structure before I begin. The way I always did at uni, the way I was taught to. So I figure it should be ok! Luckily, all the HTML and CSS are already written, and I figure I'll need only minimal amounts of JavaScript. So it's mainly just brushing up on Perl and SQL, and finding out how they work together and making sure they are secure. Which will be part of the overall program design. For the win :) Really looking forward to it. I'm hoping that this upgrade will coincide with a more mature approach to this journal. Posting less often and generally trying to write about only the biggest things I encounter, rather than griping about all my little angsty issues. We'll see, anyway :) To the future!
Sunday, 13 August 2006, 21:24 +0800 GMT
Most of my friends run beautiful, dynamic, server generated content-managed web sites. Of which I'm very envious, given my horribly static site (including this journal which is nearing 700KB long). So I've finally decided that it's time to redo my web page into the dynamic, content-managed site I've always wanted. Thing that has stopped me before is a lack of skills and a fear that I will write poor or insecure software. I figure I will need software design skills, HTML, CSS, JavaScript, Perl and SQL skills to actually get this done. All of these I've covered somewhat at uni during my degree, although they are very rusty. My biggest fear is that I design my software poorly - because although I know how to write 'good' programs (modularisation etc.), I don't know how to write 'good' web programs. Sure, they incorporate all the generic 'good' programs things, but then I have to worry about authentication and making it so it's expandable and so on.
But it's ok, I'm really looking forward to it as a challenge. I'm just going to start at a very high level and work out everything I want and a nice program structure before I begin. The way I always did at uni, the way I was taught to. So I figure it should be ok! Luckily, all the HTML and CSS are already written, and I figure I'll need only minimal amounts of JavaScript. So it's mainly just brushing up on Perl and SQL, and finding out how they work together and making sure they are secure. Which will be part of the overall program design. For the win :) Really looking forward to it. I'm hoping that this upgrade will coincide with a more mature approach to this journal. Posting less often and generally trying to write about only the biggest things I encounter, rather than griping about all my little angsty issues. We'll see, anyway :) To the future!
/dev/random - Pseudo Randomness
Sunday, 13 August 2006, 21:19 +0800 GMT
Random thought of my day - you can't do a random thing too many times. Why not? Well firstly, it stops being random and starts becoming predictable, secondly it loses impact and thirdly it can become expected. I like doing random nice things for people some times. Buying them a computer game, or a block of chocolate, or feeding their parking meter when they don't have any change. I think it makes the world go around. I think that if you do nice things, you can feel better about accepting nice things when others randomly do them for you. It just makes the world such a better place. As I just mentioned though, you can't do it all the time or it gets ruined. Nothing would be worse than walking up a street and feeling compelled to feed everyone's parking meter - you'd go broke. Or walking past the same person every day and feeding their meter, only on the fifth day seeing them standing there waiting for you to feed it for them. On another tangent, I overheard a conversation in a restaurant recently about 'gentlemen', specifcally surrounding opening doors. I've been brought up to open doors for people, and hold them for people coming along behind me - for males or females. Opening doors for people is a stronger impulse when doing it for females though. I guess it's the Olde English influence of my mum, really. It seems it's a dying art though. The lady I overheard said that about 2 guys in her office building would open the door for her. I think that's kind of sad. It's something very 'gentlemanly', takes no effort and let's face it, can be a means to start a conversation with a girl you like the look of (sorry, had to throw that one in hehe). I know that some girls don't like it though - it can seem to them that you're going behind their back, to 'perv' on them I guess. Which is a shame, because the guy shouldn't do that. Or they think that with equality, you shouldn't be holding the door for them out of 'gentlemanly obligation'. But hey, I'll keep opening doors for people until they tell me they don't want me to. It's hardly any effort on my behalf and might help to brighten someone's day.
Sunday, 13 August 2006, 21:19 +0800 GMT
Random thought of my day - you can't do a random thing too many times. Why not? Well firstly, it stops being random and starts becoming predictable, secondly it loses impact and thirdly it can become expected. I like doing random nice things for people some times. Buying them a computer game, or a block of chocolate, or feeding their parking meter when they don't have any change. I think it makes the world go around. I think that if you do nice things, you can feel better about accepting nice things when others randomly do them for you. It just makes the world such a better place. As I just mentioned though, you can't do it all the time or it gets ruined. Nothing would be worse than walking up a street and feeling compelled to feed everyone's parking meter - you'd go broke. Or walking past the same person every day and feeding their meter, only on the fifth day seeing them standing there waiting for you to feed it for them. On another tangent, I overheard a conversation in a restaurant recently about 'gentlemen', specifcally surrounding opening doors. I've been brought up to open doors for people, and hold them for people coming along behind me - for males or females. Opening doors for people is a stronger impulse when doing it for females though. I guess it's the Olde English influence of my mum, really. It seems it's a dying art though. The lady I overheard said that about 2 guys in her office building would open the door for her. I think that's kind of sad. It's something very 'gentlemanly', takes no effort and let's face it, can be a means to start a conversation with a girl you like the look of (sorry, had to throw that one in hehe). I know that some girls don't like it though - it can seem to them that you're going behind their back, to 'perv' on them I guess. Which is a shame, because the guy shouldn't do that. Or they think that with equality, you shouldn't be holding the door for them out of 'gentlemanly obligation'. But hey, I'll keep opening doors for people until they tell me they don't want me to. It's hardly any effort on my behalf and might help to brighten someone's day.
Loneliness of an Empty Rented House
Sunday, 30 July 2006, 22:25 +0800 GMT
One thing that scared me slightly about moving out was loneliness. On Wednesday night last week, everyone went out and I was left alone, with no car, and not much food in the house hehe. I didn't really care about the food bit - I cooked some bucatini and heated up a jar of pasta sauce with some chicken stock, herbs and parmesan cheese, along with the left over vegetables from the night before. I was vegetarian, but also pretty healthy and had lots of good things in it. A bit of bacon, chicken or mince would have made it almost the perfect meal when followed up with a banana and an apple. Anyway, I digress...thing is I felt pretty lonely that night. I almost called my parents up, just to talk to them. Interestingly, the first thing that the loneliness made me think about was a girlfriend. Still no luck there hehe, still as unattached as the day I was born. I figured if I had one, she might be there eating with me, or at least I'd have her on my mind, and it might have helped. I think it's a good sign, really. Not that I don't have a girlfriend, but that I see the whole 'companionship' side of things. Was a nice reminder.
Sunday, 30 July 2006, 22:25 +0800 GMT
One thing that scared me slightly about moving out was loneliness. On Wednesday night last week, everyone went out and I was left alone, with no car, and not much food in the house hehe. I didn't really care about the food bit - I cooked some bucatini and heated up a jar of pasta sauce with some chicken stock, herbs and parmesan cheese, along with the left over vegetables from the night before. I was vegetarian, but also pretty healthy and had lots of good things in it. A bit of bacon, chicken or mince would have made it almost the perfect meal when followed up with a banana and an apple. Anyway, I digress...thing is I felt pretty lonely that night. I almost called my parents up, just to talk to them. Interestingly, the first thing that the loneliness made me think about was a girlfriend. Still no luck there hehe, still as unattached as the day I was born. I figured if I had one, she might be there eating with me, or at least I'd have her on my mind, and it might have helped. I think it's a good sign, really. Not that I don't have a girlfriend, but that I see the whole 'companionship' side of things. Was a nice reminder.
Moving Out (And Up)
Sunday, 30 July 2006, 22:12 +0800 GMT
As I mentioned below I've just moved out of home. I suppose it's a pretty big change, a big step for most people. Leaving the 'protection' of the parental 'nest' for the first time. And it was for me, too. It's interesting - I'd been planning to move out for ages, with two friends from uni. It never actually happened though, for a variety of reasons - which was kind of a bummer, because I was looking forward to living with those two friends. After I realised that the whole idea was kind of fading with those two friends, I stopped looking really, and stopped planning to move out. Occasionally after a particularly frustrating weekend with my parents (nagging etc), I'd wish I could find some more people to move out with. A guy at work had planned to move out (and would have been good to live with, I think) but he asked me way back when I was strongly planning to move out with the first bunch of people.
During my 'drifting' period I also stopped going on irc, from memory because it initially didn't seem to work properly on the new ISP. One day I just somehow figured out what was wrong (I can't even remember hehe) and got it working, so popped back online for a few days. I was lucky and caught two of my uni friends I didn't see all that much (maybe once a week, max). They were planning to move out as well. Initially I didn't even really think about moving out with them. Work had put my deep in the dumps as usual and I wasn't really feeling like doing anything, let alone move out of house. I wasn't sure where they wanted to move to, what they wanted in a house, and whether or not I could live with them or not (didn't really know them all that well). Spending some time talking to them on the net though, they kind of brought me around. One of them is pretty good at motivating people (even though he kinda comes across as the 'Dictator' sometimes [as he calls himself, hehe]). Which is the kind of person I need, to get me motivated to do anything. He explained that with me on board, we could all afford to live somewhere bigger and nicer. So I felt kind of compelled to hehe - not in a bad way though.
It was all pretty tentative still, and I made it clear that I was always going to be tentative. Basically, they were certain they wanted to move out, and to move out together, so had a lot of stuff already worked out and organised. I was just coming in right at the end of all the decisions and 'working stuff out' phase. I felt a bit bad about that, but didn't figure there was much I could do. And with work the way it was, it was so nice to have everything organised. In the end it was pretty much just me going to look at the house they chose to see if I liked it or not, then signing on the dotted line and throwing cash at them, and we were in the house. Literally before I knew it we had signed the lease and were moving in.
The move itself was pretty easy really, as I don't have much stuff. The weekend we signed the lease I took most of my clothes and anything else I could fit into the car across, but didn't actually move in. I have a few pieces of furniture that were difficult to move so in the end I got a small truck in to move it - my bed, computer desk, chests of drawers, chair and a few cane lounges my parents offloaded onto me. So I suppose that was a saving grace! Because we had so little stuff and the other guys had been organised before and spent a whole week in the house before I had, setting the place up was pretty quick and easy. That and my housemates are organised in general hehe. We worked out what we needed and worked to fill the gaps before and shortly after we moved in. Applicance shopping on the night we signed the lease got us an iron and microwave, and they picked up a toaster and sandwich maker at a quiz night. I brought my parent's old kettle with me. Aside from that, the main two things we needed were a fridge and washing machine. We were pretty slow about those, but they are much more expensive to purchase so I'm glad we were careful and did take the time. Well, more like my housemates were careful - they did all the organisation hehe. The fridge came last Friday and the washing machine should be here this Friday. Ironically we had aDSL way before the fridge hehe. We're very happy with it, as it is aDSL2 and very fast...plus we're about 100m from our exchange, which means we should be able to hit almost the theoretical maximum for aDSL. We already maxed out our temporary aDSL 1 modem at 800KB/sec, albeit downloading from our ISP.
Aside from that, the house is pretty much finished. We bought a vaccum cleaner yesterday and I cleaned the whole house with it today. Also brought a few pictures from home and put them up on the wall, it made it look much nicer I think. All that remains to get/move is my 'technology' and a few bits and pieces. I didn't want to bring my computers across because we don't have house insurance at the moment, and I really can't afford to have it stolen. There is a relatively large amount of stuff there I don't want to lose. So I'm hoping to bring all that this coming weekend. Looking foward to it.
The overall experience so far has been pretty cool. Basically, no more parents to do stuff for you. Naturally, having been here only 1 week I haven't experienced the entire range of duties I'll now need to perform. Haven't done washing yet, or 'washed'/'cleaned' the house. Think that's all where the challenge comes in. I can't just do my things (keep my own room tidy and let my parents worry about the rest of the house) any more. Although having said that, there are three people in the house which helps split the duties. I won't have full house duties for a while yet, hopefully a few years hehe. I'm in charge of gardening and keeping my own room clean - which is what I'm already used to, except for the whole bathroom side of things. Luckily I've cleaned the bathroom at home quite a bit though, so I'm not out of my depth. The other big thing is cooking. When you live at home you learn about security and so on, and take out the bins and do all your own room stuff, but cooking is one thing I never did a lot of. Some, but not enough, really. I can cook, but it takes me a long time and I find that after a shit day at work I don't want to cook. I don't want to eat out either though, as that's a great way to put on weight. I've already put on a bit, so I'm going to have to be careful. Again, it's been quite ok as my housemates and I have all chipped in together to cook. Luckily, they eat quite late so they often wait until I get home from work so we can all eat together. Shopping is another great chore we're all going to have fun with, I think hehe.
So it'll take a few weeks yet before it all sinks in. It's a big change for me, taking on more responsibility, but I do quite like it. I think it was the right time to move - it feels right to be out of home, after a day or two of feeling slightly 'off'. On Wednesday night I think it was I came home and nobody was here, so I made my own dinner. It just felt normal - don't know why. I think I just accepted that it was something I *had* to do, and did it, without really thinking about it. Not like I was going to complain, really hehe...and even if I did, that wouldn't put dinner in my stomach hehe. So yes, a good time to leave I think.
I think my parents are pretty cool with me leaving as well. It gives them their space back again, finally. I wonder what it feels like, having raised and put two children, twins, through school and uni, had them succeed and obtain jobs in industry. I hope they are proud, consider it worthwhile, and are happy to have their space back. I know I'm glad, in some ways, to be out. My mum's nagging and her almost 'need' to bother me about things when I was busy doing something else was infuriating towards the end. I like doing things to my own schedule, not someone else's. If I need to do the washing up, but I want to play an hour of my game first, I don't want to interrupt my game to go to do the washing up. Same with the ironing. Same with everything. I hate fitting other peoples' schedules, and being interrupted in my own. So hopefully some of that is going. It's something I'll need to watch with my housemates though, until we work things out. I need to make sure I don't get snappy with them, while at the same time I need to explain to them that one of the big reasons I moved out was just to do things to my own schedule. I never mind working things out once (e.g. I do washing on Saturday, housemate does it on Sunday), but I don't want to be interrupted all the time. It also raises the issue of sharing, which is interesting. We're still working out sharing, of TV and food mainly I guess. While I know it makes sense to share food bills and make dinner together if possible, it's also getting dangerously close to my whole 'hate being stuck with other peoples' schedules' thing. It's annoying to have to keep my housemates updated every day about whether or not I'll be coming home for dinner. Still, hey, it's good pratice for me to get used to being responsible and living with other people.
Think that's about all there is to say about moving out hehe, except that I don't have my own car at the moment. Which is interesting. Going to be buying my parent's old car soon, when they get a new one, which will make me even more independent. Annoying to be stuck at home not able to go anywhere. So that'll hopefully complete the picture. Few small things to get (baskets, bins, pots and various kitchen and bathroom things), and possibly a new bed, but we'll see where it goes. In terms of cash, it hasn't really cost all that much to move out. Thankfully, we've been able to split most things 3 ways. I think, including bond, fees and rent up to now and all appliances and food for the past few weeks etc, it's only cost about $2,000. Not the kind of thing you'd want to be doing every few months, but not too bad. Especially since public transport is now $500 a year cheaper as I'm closer to the city, and I was already paying board of $300 per month at home. So instead of $300 per month I'm now paying $540 + bills. So really, it's probably only going to be about double what I was already paying, which is cut down one 6th by that $500 saving. Not bad! Then you've got food expenses on top, but it's all part and parcel. Thank god for my pay rise recently though - it's not much and I'm still bordering on woefully underpaid compared to industry, especially when considering working hours, diversity of skill set used and required, experience (1.5 years) and stress level. But that's another story. I'm just thankful I have enough cash to afford to live out of home :)
Sunday, 30 July 2006, 22:12 +0800 GMT
As I mentioned below I've just moved out of home. I suppose it's a pretty big change, a big step for most people. Leaving the 'protection' of the parental 'nest' for the first time. And it was for me, too. It's interesting - I'd been planning to move out for ages, with two friends from uni. It never actually happened though, for a variety of reasons - which was kind of a bummer, because I was looking forward to living with those two friends. After I realised that the whole idea was kind of fading with those two friends, I stopped looking really, and stopped planning to move out. Occasionally after a particularly frustrating weekend with my parents (nagging etc), I'd wish I could find some more people to move out with. A guy at work had planned to move out (and would have been good to live with, I think) but he asked me way back when I was strongly planning to move out with the first bunch of people.
During my 'drifting' period I also stopped going on irc, from memory because it initially didn't seem to work properly on the new ISP. One day I just somehow figured out what was wrong (I can't even remember hehe) and got it working, so popped back online for a few days. I was lucky and caught two of my uni friends I didn't see all that much (maybe once a week, max). They were planning to move out as well. Initially I didn't even really think about moving out with them. Work had put my deep in the dumps as usual and I wasn't really feeling like doing anything, let alone move out of house. I wasn't sure where they wanted to move to, what they wanted in a house, and whether or not I could live with them or not (didn't really know them all that well). Spending some time talking to them on the net though, they kind of brought me around. One of them is pretty good at motivating people (even though he kinda comes across as the 'Dictator' sometimes [as he calls himself, hehe]). Which is the kind of person I need, to get me motivated to do anything. He explained that with me on board, we could all afford to live somewhere bigger and nicer. So I felt kind of compelled to hehe - not in a bad way though.
It was all pretty tentative still, and I made it clear that I was always going to be tentative. Basically, they were certain they wanted to move out, and to move out together, so had a lot of stuff already worked out and organised. I was just coming in right at the end of all the decisions and 'working stuff out' phase. I felt a bit bad about that, but didn't figure there was much I could do. And with work the way it was, it was so nice to have everything organised. In the end it was pretty much just me going to look at the house they chose to see if I liked it or not, then signing on the dotted line and throwing cash at them, and we were in the house. Literally before I knew it we had signed the lease and were moving in.
The move itself was pretty easy really, as I don't have much stuff. The weekend we signed the lease I took most of my clothes and anything else I could fit into the car across, but didn't actually move in. I have a few pieces of furniture that were difficult to move so in the end I got a small truck in to move it - my bed, computer desk, chests of drawers, chair and a few cane lounges my parents offloaded onto me. So I suppose that was a saving grace! Because we had so little stuff and the other guys had been organised before and spent a whole week in the house before I had, setting the place up was pretty quick and easy. That and my housemates are organised in general hehe. We worked out what we needed and worked to fill the gaps before and shortly after we moved in. Applicance shopping on the night we signed the lease got us an iron and microwave, and they picked up a toaster and sandwich maker at a quiz night. I brought my parent's old kettle with me. Aside from that, the main two things we needed were a fridge and washing machine. We were pretty slow about those, but they are much more expensive to purchase so I'm glad we were careful and did take the time. Well, more like my housemates were careful - they did all the organisation hehe. The fridge came last Friday and the washing machine should be here this Friday. Ironically we had aDSL way before the fridge hehe. We're very happy with it, as it is aDSL2 and very fast...plus we're about 100m from our exchange, which means we should be able to hit almost the theoretical maximum for aDSL. We already maxed out our temporary aDSL 1 modem at 800KB/sec, albeit downloading from our ISP.
Aside from that, the house is pretty much finished. We bought a vaccum cleaner yesterday and I cleaned the whole house with it today. Also brought a few pictures from home and put them up on the wall, it made it look much nicer I think. All that remains to get/move is my 'technology' and a few bits and pieces. I didn't want to bring my computers across because we don't have house insurance at the moment, and I really can't afford to have it stolen. There is a relatively large amount of stuff there I don't want to lose. So I'm hoping to bring all that this coming weekend. Looking foward to it.
The overall experience so far has been pretty cool. Basically, no more parents to do stuff for you. Naturally, having been here only 1 week I haven't experienced the entire range of duties I'll now need to perform. Haven't done washing yet, or 'washed'/'cleaned' the house. Think that's all where the challenge comes in. I can't just do my things (keep my own room tidy and let my parents worry about the rest of the house) any more. Although having said that, there are three people in the house which helps split the duties. I won't have full house duties for a while yet, hopefully a few years hehe. I'm in charge of gardening and keeping my own room clean - which is what I'm already used to, except for the whole bathroom side of things. Luckily I've cleaned the bathroom at home quite a bit though, so I'm not out of my depth. The other big thing is cooking. When you live at home you learn about security and so on, and take out the bins and do all your own room stuff, but cooking is one thing I never did a lot of. Some, but not enough, really. I can cook, but it takes me a long time and I find that after a shit day at work I don't want to cook. I don't want to eat out either though, as that's a great way to put on weight. I've already put on a bit, so I'm going to have to be careful. Again, it's been quite ok as my housemates and I have all chipped in together to cook. Luckily, they eat quite late so they often wait until I get home from work so we can all eat together. Shopping is another great chore we're all going to have fun with, I think hehe.
So it'll take a few weeks yet before it all sinks in. It's a big change for me, taking on more responsibility, but I do quite like it. I think it was the right time to move - it feels right to be out of home, after a day or two of feeling slightly 'off'. On Wednesday night I think it was I came home and nobody was here, so I made my own dinner. It just felt normal - don't know why. I think I just accepted that it was something I *had* to do, and did it, without really thinking about it. Not like I was going to complain, really hehe...and even if I did, that wouldn't put dinner in my stomach hehe. So yes, a good time to leave I think.
I think my parents are pretty cool with me leaving as well. It gives them their space back again, finally. I wonder what it feels like, having raised and put two children, twins, through school and uni, had them succeed and obtain jobs in industry. I hope they are proud, consider it worthwhile, and are happy to have their space back. I know I'm glad, in some ways, to be out. My mum's nagging and her almost 'need' to bother me about things when I was busy doing something else was infuriating towards the end. I like doing things to my own schedule, not someone else's. If I need to do the washing up, but I want to play an hour of my game first, I don't want to interrupt my game to go to do the washing up. Same with the ironing. Same with everything. I hate fitting other peoples' schedules, and being interrupted in my own. So hopefully some of that is going. It's something I'll need to watch with my housemates though, until we work things out. I need to make sure I don't get snappy with them, while at the same time I need to explain to them that one of the big reasons I moved out was just to do things to my own schedule. I never mind working things out once (e.g. I do washing on Saturday, housemate does it on Sunday), but I don't want to be interrupted all the time. It also raises the issue of sharing, which is interesting. We're still working out sharing, of TV and food mainly I guess. While I know it makes sense to share food bills and make dinner together if possible, it's also getting dangerously close to my whole 'hate being stuck with other peoples' schedules' thing. It's annoying to have to keep my housemates updated every day about whether or not I'll be coming home for dinner. Still, hey, it's good pratice for me to get used to being responsible and living with other people.
Think that's about all there is to say about moving out hehe, except that I don't have my own car at the moment. Which is interesting. Going to be buying my parent's old car soon, when they get a new one, which will make me even more independent. Annoying to be stuck at home not able to go anywhere. So that'll hopefully complete the picture. Few small things to get (baskets, bins, pots and various kitchen and bathroom things), and possibly a new bed, but we'll see where it goes. In terms of cash, it hasn't really cost all that much to move out. Thankfully, we've been able to split most things 3 ways. I think, including bond, fees and rent up to now and all appliances and food for the past few weeks etc, it's only cost about $2,000. Not the kind of thing you'd want to be doing every few months, but not too bad. Especially since public transport is now $500 a year cheaper as I'm closer to the city, and I was already paying board of $300 per month at home. So instead of $300 per month I'm now paying $540 + bills. So really, it's probably only going to be about double what I was already paying, which is cut down one 6th by that $500 saving. Not bad! Then you've got food expenses on top, but it's all part and parcel. Thank god for my pay rise recently though - it's not much and I'm still bordering on woefully underpaid compared to industry, especially when considering working hours, diversity of skill set used and required, experience (1.5 years) and stress level. But that's another story. I'm just thankful I have enough cash to afford to live out of home :)
I'm Back =)
Sunday, 23 July 2006, 21:37 +0800 GMT
I've been offline for a while now - it's nice to be back! Looking back, seems I've been off since mid February this year, maybe a bit later. Quite a long time I guess. I finally upgraded to aDSL about that time, which meant the web space I had with my former dialup ISP disappeared. Unfortunately, I don't trust the web space on my new ISP so I don't use it. Thought briefly about running my own web server off my aDSL, but decided against it - parents didn't want my computer on all day every day ('fire hazard') and let's face it, it's not like I have high enough (or any, really) traffic that'd substantiate having so much uptime. Anyway, as you're reading this I'm obviously back online now hehe. I've just moved house to live with a few friends from uni, so this is running off my housemate's server, which is pretty cool. I've got a few ideas about what I want to do with the site, looking forward to it. I think I'll eventually bite the bullet and buy my own domain, and I'll try to get my housemate to start running a DNS server if he isn't already. Otherwise I'll need to a) find a friend to host my DNS or b) pay for it to be hosted.
Will see what happens. Great to be back online though! I actually wrote quite a large number of posts while I was offline and kept the site updated for when it came back online - they start after the entry on 12th February, 'No More Best Fit', if you're interested in catching up on my usual angst :)
Sunday, 23 July 2006, 21:37 +0800 GMT
I've been offline for a while now - it's nice to be back! Looking back, seems I've been off since mid February this year, maybe a bit later. Quite a long time I guess. I finally upgraded to aDSL about that time, which meant the web space I had with my former dialup ISP disappeared. Unfortunately, I don't trust the web space on my new ISP so I don't use it. Thought briefly about running my own web server off my aDSL, but decided against it - parents didn't want my computer on all day every day ('fire hazard') and let's face it, it's not like I have high enough (or any, really) traffic that'd substantiate having so much uptime. Anyway, as you're reading this I'm obviously back online now hehe. I've just moved house to live with a few friends from uni, so this is running off my housemate's server, which is pretty cool. I've got a few ideas about what I want to do with the site, looking forward to it. I think I'll eventually bite the bullet and buy my own domain, and I'll try to get my housemate to start running a DNS server if he isn't already. Otherwise I'll need to a) find a friend to host my DNS or b) pay for it to be hosted.
Will see what happens. Great to be back online though! I actually wrote quite a large number of posts while I was offline and kept the site updated for when it came back online - they start after the entry on 12th February, 'No More Best Fit', if you're interested in catching up on my usual angst :)
The Company (And I) Had a Ball!
Sunday, 02 July 2006, 19:53 +0800 GMT
I've had a pretty incredible weekend. And instead of sitting here depressed on a Sunday night, I actually feel relatively happy for a change. Friday night was interesting. I had had such a shit week at work I felt a huge and disturbing sense of relief to pack it in and hit the alcohol. After I'd manage to get happy enough on that, we went out to a dinner to celebrate my friend's birthday, which was great. Went to an Indian down in the port near the city...good stuff! Hung around outside for ages talking and carrying on our usual antics. I'd had a few beers at work beforehand, so it was all the more fun hehe.
Had to wake up relatively early on Saturday, lots of things to do before the ball. Everything worked almost to plan. Got a haircut (only had to wait 10 minutes or so) which I sorely needed, then headed to a martial arts shop to buy some cloth martial arts shoes for my costume. They had the size and everything...so happy hehe. Then rushed into the city to what appeared to be the only Chinese clothes store in my city. The lady tailor makes clothes, so I was worried that she might not have any ready made. It turned out that she did, and the few samples she had actually fitted me really well :) So I bought them lol. Rushed home and had a shower, then my friend picked me up and we headed to the hotel for the company ball. I was really happy with my costume - black martial arts shoes, black silk trousers, black silk Chinese formal 'shirt' and a shiny blue formal Chinese 'jacket' with golden emblems on it. Was super awesome happy fun time!
Ball started really well...the foyer was PACKED with people, the turn up was about 500+ I think. I met a lot of my friends and colleagues and we all chatted. To my dismay (and delight) not many people had turned up in costume. About 30 ladies and maybe 5 men. Of which I was the most dressed up...so I was happy about that! :) The ball room was amazing...very well decked out with lanterns, large wall hangings and lights, plus large projector screens playing amro videos. There was a lion dance and really hot girls running around taking photos for people hehe. That was fun :P
When we all finally sat down, they called the door prizes out. I could hardly hear and because I never win anything, I wasn't paying attention. Then I heard my name called. I was like 'Huh? What?'. I was surprised at how much everyone clapped...I expected there to be less because I figure I'm not that well known around the office and I expected my work manner would mean people wouldn't think of me that well. But apparently they did, or at least, were clapping to be polite hehe. By this time I had taken my blue jacket off, so I ninja-ed up to the stage in my fully black costume, which I thought looked cool hehe. Turned out I'd won first prize, which was $1,800 to spend on travel, to anywhere in the world. I don't think it's sunk in even yet hehe. Japan, here I come, yay!!! :P I'm so lucky...first bit of 'luck' I've had in a long time.
Ball was pretty standard, but very cool. Ate and talked with colleagues and drank quite a bit. Ended up on a partner's table for dessert, his wife didn't want hers so I sat there and ate it with him. Hehe it was awesome :P Then jumped on the dance floor (believe it or not - must have been the alcohol and prize winning combination hehe). I'm not very good so I think I annoyed a few people near me, but oh well hehe. Danced for a bit with a colleague, then the HR people, which was fun. By this time it was nearly 11:40pm. I went to sit with another colleague for a bit (who was not really doing much the whole ball hehe), then skipped over to the next table to speak with one of the HR people.
This is where things kinda went down a bit, unfortunately. I guess you could say I'm interested in her. Which makes things complicated. She seemed a bit down so I tried to get her into a conversation to talk about it...because that's what I do, that's how I try to help. It didn't really work and although we chatted ok, I left feeling really shitty and down that I hadn't been able to help her. I chatted to a friend about it when I got home (nothing really exciting happened between end of ball at 12am and me getting home at 2:15am hehe). My friend has this way of just making things make sense. He says it's because most of the time I already know the answer or just because we're similar we would take the same approach if I didn't have such a conflict of interest and such an involvement in the situation already that I was blinded. He basically said I did the wrong thing to help her. She needed someone who could pick her up, make her feel happy - with a joke or some light conversation. Talking about problems doesn't always help, and besides, we hardly knew each other so she wasn't likely to trust me that much yet. Which of course is all true. He also said that wanting to help people is one of my good qualities and I needed to try to find a way around things where I feel down because I can't use that quality. E.g. if I can't help someone, I feel down. I think that's true. Overall he said I needed to be proud about the good qualities I have, and to use them to build confidence. My focus in life is quality and if I can't do something well I feel down. But of course, nobody does everything perfectly. I need to learn to focus on what I do well and build a solid confidence base before venturing out to master the things that I don't do so well right now, such as socialising.
I guess that put me in a better frame of mind. I'm no closer to helping my acquaintance-friend, but hopefully one day I will be able to.
Sunday, 02 July 2006, 19:53 +0800 GMT
I've had a pretty incredible weekend. And instead of sitting here depressed on a Sunday night, I actually feel relatively happy for a change. Friday night was interesting. I had had such a shit week at work I felt a huge and disturbing sense of relief to pack it in and hit the alcohol. After I'd manage to get happy enough on that, we went out to a dinner to celebrate my friend's birthday, which was great. Went to an Indian down in the port near the city...good stuff! Hung around outside for ages talking and carrying on our usual antics. I'd had a few beers at work beforehand, so it was all the more fun hehe.
Had to wake up relatively early on Saturday, lots of things to do before the ball. Everything worked almost to plan. Got a haircut (only had to wait 10 minutes or so) which I sorely needed, then headed to a martial arts shop to buy some cloth martial arts shoes for my costume. They had the size and everything...so happy hehe. Then rushed into the city to what appeared to be the only Chinese clothes store in my city. The lady tailor makes clothes, so I was worried that she might not have any ready made. It turned out that she did, and the few samples she had actually fitted me really well :) So I bought them lol. Rushed home and had a shower, then my friend picked me up and we headed to the hotel for the company ball. I was really happy with my costume - black martial arts shoes, black silk trousers, black silk Chinese formal 'shirt' and a shiny blue formal Chinese 'jacket' with golden emblems on it. Was super awesome happy fun time!
Ball started really well...the foyer was PACKED with people, the turn up was about 500+ I think. I met a lot of my friends and colleagues and we all chatted. To my dismay (and delight) not many people had turned up in costume. About 30 ladies and maybe 5 men. Of which I was the most dressed up...so I was happy about that! :) The ball room was amazing...very well decked out with lanterns, large wall hangings and lights, plus large projector screens playing amro videos. There was a lion dance and really hot girls running around taking photos for people hehe. That was fun :P
When we all finally sat down, they called the door prizes out. I could hardly hear and because I never win anything, I wasn't paying attention. Then I heard my name called. I was like 'Huh? What?'. I was surprised at how much everyone clapped...I expected there to be less because I figure I'm not that well known around the office and I expected my work manner would mean people wouldn't think of me that well. But apparently they did, or at least, were clapping to be polite hehe. By this time I had taken my blue jacket off, so I ninja-ed up to the stage in my fully black costume, which I thought looked cool hehe. Turned out I'd won first prize, which was $1,800 to spend on travel, to anywhere in the world. I don't think it's sunk in even yet hehe. Japan, here I come, yay!!! :P I'm so lucky...first bit of 'luck' I've had in a long time.
Ball was pretty standard, but very cool. Ate and talked with colleagues and drank quite a bit. Ended up on a partner's table for dessert, his wife didn't want hers so I sat there and ate it with him. Hehe it was awesome :P Then jumped on the dance floor (believe it or not - must have been the alcohol and prize winning combination hehe). I'm not very good so I think I annoyed a few people near me, but oh well hehe. Danced for a bit with a colleague, then the HR people, which was fun. By this time it was nearly 11:40pm. I went to sit with another colleague for a bit (who was not really doing much the whole ball hehe), then skipped over to the next table to speak with one of the HR people.
This is where things kinda went down a bit, unfortunately. I guess you could say I'm interested in her. Which makes things complicated. She seemed a bit down so I tried to get her into a conversation to talk about it...because that's what I do, that's how I try to help. It didn't really work and although we chatted ok, I left feeling really shitty and down that I hadn't been able to help her. I chatted to a friend about it when I got home (nothing really exciting happened between end of ball at 12am and me getting home at 2:15am hehe). My friend has this way of just making things make sense. He says it's because most of the time I already know the answer or just because we're similar we would take the same approach if I didn't have such a conflict of interest and such an involvement in the situation already that I was blinded. He basically said I did the wrong thing to help her. She needed someone who could pick her up, make her feel happy - with a joke or some light conversation. Talking about problems doesn't always help, and besides, we hardly knew each other so she wasn't likely to trust me that much yet. Which of course is all true. He also said that wanting to help people is one of my good qualities and I needed to try to find a way around things where I feel down because I can't use that quality. E.g. if I can't help someone, I feel down. I think that's true. Overall he said I needed to be proud about the good qualities I have, and to use them to build confidence. My focus in life is quality and if I can't do something well I feel down. But of course, nobody does everything perfectly. I need to learn to focus on what I do well and build a solid confidence base before venturing out to master the things that I don't do so well right now, such as socialising.
I guess that put me in a better frame of mind. I'm no closer to helping my acquaintance-friend, but hopefully one day I will be able to.
Relationship Change and a Taste of Things Before
Sunday, 25 June 2006, 23:22 +0800 GMT
I know I often say that entries are hard to write, but this one is *bloody* hard. I wrote it out once and then deleted the whole thing. Not sure how to write it - the structure or the words. Because I've been playing lots of CounterStrike though, I think I might just charge in and start from the beginning, hopefully running madly through getting fluke headshots to carry my story along hehe.
The start of the story begins 2 days before an entry I posted a while ago, but I'm not going to say much about that start. The main start is that journal entry. nfekti0n. I've had time to think about it and digest it, and I'm over it now in the sense of not thinking about it every day. But it has lowered me down, it has taken a lot of energy and happiness from me - things that were already at a dangerously low level. Although I no longer think about him, his death has put me in this frame of mind that I don't see unless I really think hard. Like a state of mind where you get over what caused it, and think it's gone - but the remnants are still there, alive and kicking in your subconscious. So that's the frame through which my little world has been viewed for the past 2 weeks.
Now to the real start. This is something that I'm very uncomfortable to talk about on here - surprisingly, normally I'll just chuck anything up hehe. I suppose this is something that's too personal or too close to home. Let's just say that over a 2 week period I became interested in someone, but they weren't interested in me. Hehehe, that's probably the easiest way to put it. Thankfully, with full credit to her, it hasn't been too bad. I just accepted that she didn't feel the same way - I wasn't actually all that upset because she was a very close friend and I figured the 'fall back' from asking wouldn't be as bad as if I had asked her without knowing her at all. I then spent the entire weekend depressed, fearing that things would change between us and we wouldn't be friends any more. As I mentioned, thanks almost fully to her, that hasn't happened and I still have her as a very close friend. After our talk, I wouldn't have it any other way, and I'm so grateful that things have worked out this way. Still, it's not something that is easy to recover from, and it'll be a few weeks or months I guess, before we're totally back to normal. When I can sit at Takas and tell her about the latest girl I'm interested in I think we'll be back to normal :) Looking forward to that day.
Clawed some semblance of reality and happiness back on Friday night, when I caught up with my best friend. Sacrificed getting to know some of the new team/firm members, but I think it was worth it. For the first time in a long time, my friend and I barely touched the computers the whole time. From about 7:30pm to 4:30am we just talked and talked. It'd been a long time since we'd done it last, and it was a great experience. We used to talk a lot, then it sorta faded down as we both settled (somewhat) into maturity I guess. He's the best person I know for advice though, and we think very similarly, so it works out well. We talked about so many things, think I needed it after collecting and penting up some things for several months. You can talk about different things with different friends I find - there are some things I don't really talk to him about, or maybe it's just that there is never a good time to do it.
Saturday was an interesting day, and one that really kicks off my overall feelings for the weekend and the past few months. I woke up really late, and decided to give my haircut a miss. Yes, I didn't even have enough god damn motivation to get a hair cut. I just feel that recently I've really begun to lose it, to lose my grip on life in general. I was meant to go out with a relatively new friend from work on Friday night for dinner, and play archery with her on Saturday morning. I didn't do either, and I didn't even contact her to tell her that I wasn't going to be doing either. She didn't contact me either so I figured that she probably wasn't expecting me to either. Which makes me think that she's beginning to learn that I'm not really very reliable. Hell, the girl who's always 'latest' to everything in our group beat me to something today hehehe. Although I laugh I know I'm stupid. I have just lost all motivation to do ANYTHING. I had two parties on on Saturday night (the busiest I've been in about 6 months) and I almost just didn't go. Almost stayed at home and played god damned CounterStrike all night. If I thought I was depressed before, I obviously didn't know real depression. That's the feeling I think I've got right now. And as usual, I have no motivation to do anything to get out of it. That's what has really gotten me at the moment. No motivation to do anything. I feel like I've been mentally drained and I just have enough power every day to get up and go to work. It makes me so angry, I can just rage around my house yelling and screaming. I HATE WORK. I FUCKING HATE IT. It does NOT suit me. And it's not just my current work place, and it's not that I mind working for a living. It's just that I can't keep working the hours I do and I just do not enjoy '9 - 5'. Yet there's nothing I can do. I feel so useless. And I have no idea what to do. See, you can read this and it doesn't mean much. Because I just don't have the means to put into words what I feel. But it's fucking terrible.
I managed to force myself out the door to my colleague's leaving party, but I only ended up feeling upset and sad, because he was leaving. And I didn't know anyone there, so I ended up outside as usual, on my own in the cold, thinking to myself. And of course, then came the stark contrast. Heading off to my friend/colleague's birthday. Sometimes these things happen and they frighten me. I had a bloody good time at that party. Talking to people that I know but don't normally get 1 on 1 time with, playing Twister and getting out of my comfort zone by getting close to people, listening to great music and eating good food. Felt bloody good. Then I woke up in the morning only to find that the high had heightened my sense of how pathetic my life really is, and how depressed I really am. And I now felt even worse than before.
Again, another party to go to this afternoon, which was ok. As I arrived though (4 hours late) most of my friends were leaving. Was left with only a few people, one of them the friend I had fallen for a few weeks before. Guess I realised I'm not as far over her as I thought I was. It wasn't that I really 'wanted' her, it was more just an unsettled feeling. Although there was some sadness that we'd never be together, it was more a feeling along the lines of realising I was so far from a relationship once again. And not motivated to look for another one. Probably the piano music a friend played didn't help either...piano is a very powerful instrument. When played properly it really sombres me and makes me feel melancholy.
So, all of the above has led me to just feel very shit. I don't really want to go on. Again, I find myself feeling that if I could 'unexist' myself, I would. And if the bus happens to roll over tomorrow and I die, I think I could quite happily look down on the carnage and feel content that I needn't worry about the world any more. It's not really the place I want to be, but I'm not motivated to do anything about it. Well, I am, but I find that work gets in the way. What type of psychologist works at a time when I can see them? And if they have weekend appointments, how long will I have to wait? *sigh*. Help is always there, but it's a matter of finding it and finding time. That's what the cliche doesn't take into account.
*shrug* that's the end of my story. Game over, really.
Sunday, 25 June 2006, 23:22 +0800 GMT
I know I often say that entries are hard to write, but this one is *bloody* hard. I wrote it out once and then deleted the whole thing. Not sure how to write it - the structure or the words. Because I've been playing lots of CounterStrike though, I think I might just charge in and start from the beginning, hopefully running madly through getting fluke headshots to carry my story along hehe.
The start of the story begins 2 days before an entry I posted a while ago, but I'm not going to say much about that start. The main start is that journal entry. nfekti0n. I've had time to think about it and digest it, and I'm over it now in the sense of not thinking about it every day. But it has lowered me down, it has taken a lot of energy and happiness from me - things that were already at a dangerously low level. Although I no longer think about him, his death has put me in this frame of mind that I don't see unless I really think hard. Like a state of mind where you get over what caused it, and think it's gone - but the remnants are still there, alive and kicking in your subconscious. So that's the frame through which my little world has been viewed for the past 2 weeks.
Now to the real start. This is something that I'm very uncomfortable to talk about on here - surprisingly, normally I'll just chuck anything up hehe. I suppose this is something that's too personal or too close to home. Let's just say that over a 2 week period I became interested in someone, but they weren't interested in me. Hehehe, that's probably the easiest way to put it. Thankfully, with full credit to her, it hasn't been too bad. I just accepted that she didn't feel the same way - I wasn't actually all that upset because she was a very close friend and I figured the 'fall back' from asking wouldn't be as bad as if I had asked her without knowing her at all. I then spent the entire weekend depressed, fearing that things would change between us and we wouldn't be friends any more. As I mentioned, thanks almost fully to her, that hasn't happened and I still have her as a very close friend. After our talk, I wouldn't have it any other way, and I'm so grateful that things have worked out this way. Still, it's not something that is easy to recover from, and it'll be a few weeks or months I guess, before we're totally back to normal. When I can sit at Takas and tell her about the latest girl I'm interested in I think we'll be back to normal :) Looking forward to that day.
Clawed some semblance of reality and happiness back on Friday night, when I caught up with my best friend. Sacrificed getting to know some of the new team/firm members, but I think it was worth it. For the first time in a long time, my friend and I barely touched the computers the whole time. From about 7:30pm to 4:30am we just talked and talked. It'd been a long time since we'd done it last, and it was a great experience. We used to talk a lot, then it sorta faded down as we both settled (somewhat) into maturity I guess. He's the best person I know for advice though, and we think very similarly, so it works out well. We talked about so many things, think I needed it after collecting and penting up some things for several months. You can talk about different things with different friends I find - there are some things I don't really talk to him about, or maybe it's just that there is never a good time to do it.
Saturday was an interesting day, and one that really kicks off my overall feelings for the weekend and the past few months. I woke up really late, and decided to give my haircut a miss. Yes, I didn't even have enough god damn motivation to get a hair cut. I just feel that recently I've really begun to lose it, to lose my grip on life in general. I was meant to go out with a relatively new friend from work on Friday night for dinner, and play archery with her on Saturday morning. I didn't do either, and I didn't even contact her to tell her that I wasn't going to be doing either. She didn't contact me either so I figured that she probably wasn't expecting me to either. Which makes me think that she's beginning to learn that I'm not really very reliable. Hell, the girl who's always 'latest' to everything in our group beat me to something today hehehe. Although I laugh I know I'm stupid. I have just lost all motivation to do ANYTHING. I had two parties on on Saturday night (the busiest I've been in about 6 months) and I almost just didn't go. Almost stayed at home and played god damned CounterStrike all night. If I thought I was depressed before, I obviously didn't know real depression. That's the feeling I think I've got right now. And as usual, I have no motivation to do anything to get out of it. That's what has really gotten me at the moment. No motivation to do anything. I feel like I've been mentally drained and I just have enough power every day to get up and go to work. It makes me so angry, I can just rage around my house yelling and screaming. I HATE WORK. I FUCKING HATE IT. It does NOT suit me. And it's not just my current work place, and it's not that I mind working for a living. It's just that I can't keep working the hours I do and I just do not enjoy '9 - 5'. Yet there's nothing I can do. I feel so useless. And I have no idea what to do. See, you can read this and it doesn't mean much. Because I just don't have the means to put into words what I feel. But it's fucking terrible.
I managed to force myself out the door to my colleague's leaving party, but I only ended up feeling upset and sad, because he was leaving. And I didn't know anyone there, so I ended up outside as usual, on my own in the cold, thinking to myself. And of course, then came the stark contrast. Heading off to my friend/colleague's birthday. Sometimes these things happen and they frighten me. I had a bloody good time at that party. Talking to people that I know but don't normally get 1 on 1 time with, playing Twister and getting out of my comfort zone by getting close to people, listening to great music and eating good food. Felt bloody good. Then I woke up in the morning only to find that the high had heightened my sense of how pathetic my life really is, and how depressed I really am. And I now felt even worse than before.
Again, another party to go to this afternoon, which was ok. As I arrived though (4 hours late) most of my friends were leaving. Was left with only a few people, one of them the friend I had fallen for a few weeks before. Guess I realised I'm not as far over her as I thought I was. It wasn't that I really 'wanted' her, it was more just an unsettled feeling. Although there was some sadness that we'd never be together, it was more a feeling along the lines of realising I was so far from a relationship once again. And not motivated to look for another one. Probably the piano music a friend played didn't help either...piano is a very powerful instrument. When played properly it really sombres me and makes me feel melancholy.
So, all of the above has led me to just feel very shit. I don't really want to go on. Again, I find myself feeling that if I could 'unexist' myself, I would. And if the bus happens to roll over tomorrow and I die, I think I could quite happily look down on the carnage and feel content that I needn't worry about the world any more. It's not really the place I want to be, but I'm not motivated to do anything about it. Well, I am, but I find that work gets in the way. What type of psychologist works at a time when I can see them? And if they have weekend appointments, how long will I have to wait? *sigh*. Help is always there, but it's a matter of finding it and finding time. That's what the cliche doesn't take into account.
*shrug* that's the end of my story. Game over, really.
nfekti0n
Sunday, 25 June 2006, 22:18 +0800 GMT
I found out on Tuesday night that a guy I used to play C&C Renegade online with had committed suicide. I hate the way that statement just hangs in the air, stale and reeking of sadness and death. And I struggle to brush it away. At the time I heard I was shocked and a bit unsettled, but not that badly upset. I went and read the forum post on the web site of the online gaming community that we played in. His brother had posted it up. What got me was how all the big name players, all the people I recognised and respected as the good players had all posted their sadness and well wishes for the family. And I remember him, all about him - nfekti0n. I never knew him well, as we were always too busy trying to put a cap in each others' ass or steal each others' kills. However, he was one of the best players I knew and I had a huge amount of respect for him. I feared fighting him and relished the challenge to test myself against a superior player. We have a few quick chats in the flurry of chat that went on in the game. He came across as a really nice, down to earth guy. Someone who was good and knew he was good, but was never arrogant. I never saw him get mad at someone when they got lucky shots off or he kept dying. And I never saw him tease or make fun of a less skilled player. Despite the minimal contact, I'd count him a friend, even if just an online one.
I guess that sunk in after a while, along with the question of why did he do it? The guy who told me about the suicide, my best friend, had also been thinking about it. He reckons that nfekti0n was the kind of guy who saw the negative side of life. Not through choice, he just analysed things that way and was just unable to see things different. All the negativity channeled through one human, it's no wonder he couldn't stand it. I just wish he'd been able to find something, anything, to help him through. The point his brother made - if anyone is ever thinking of suicide then don't do it, because you make everyone around you bloody sad - rings very clear.
It's such a hard issue to deal with. Despite how little I knew him I was very upset about an hour after finding out, and the next morning. And this morning. Naturally, during a meeting with a manager, which didn't really help much. Guess I've found out that I can't control emotions as much as I think I can...bit of a shock, since I've almost always been able to mask things quite well. Ah well, I digress. nfekti0n, I hope wherever you are is a better place than it was for you here. I don't blame you for what you did. Rest in peace, my friend.
Sunday, 25 June 2006, 22:18 +0800 GMT
I found out on Tuesday night that a guy I used to play C&C Renegade online with had committed suicide. I hate the way that statement just hangs in the air, stale and reeking of sadness and death. And I struggle to brush it away. At the time I heard I was shocked and a bit unsettled, but not that badly upset. I went and read the forum post on the web site of the online gaming community that we played in. His brother had posted it up. What got me was how all the big name players, all the people I recognised and respected as the good players had all posted their sadness and well wishes for the family. And I remember him, all about him - nfekti0n. I never knew him well, as we were always too busy trying to put a cap in each others' ass or steal each others' kills. However, he was one of the best players I knew and I had a huge amount of respect for him. I feared fighting him and relished the challenge to test myself against a superior player. We have a few quick chats in the flurry of chat that went on in the game. He came across as a really nice, down to earth guy. Someone who was good and knew he was good, but was never arrogant. I never saw him get mad at someone when they got lucky shots off or he kept dying. And I never saw him tease or make fun of a less skilled player. Despite the minimal contact, I'd count him a friend, even if just an online one.
I guess that sunk in after a while, along with the question of why did he do it? The guy who told me about the suicide, my best friend, had also been thinking about it. He reckons that nfekti0n was the kind of guy who saw the negative side of life. Not through choice, he just analysed things that way and was just unable to see things different. All the negativity channeled through one human, it's no wonder he couldn't stand it. I just wish he'd been able to find something, anything, to help him through. The point his brother made - if anyone is ever thinking of suicide then don't do it, because you make everyone around you bloody sad - rings very clear.
It's such a hard issue to deal with. Despite how little I knew him I was very upset about an hour after finding out, and the next morning. And this morning. Naturally, during a meeting with a manager, which didn't really help much. Guess I've found out that I can't control emotions as much as I think I can...bit of a shock, since I've almost always been able to mask things quite well. Ah well, I digress. nfekti0n, I hope wherever you are is a better place than it was for you here. I don't blame you for what you did. Rest in peace, my friend.
Steam
Saturday, 17 June 2006, 21:35 +0800 GMT
Steam is the online game management system that Valve released with Half Life 2. You create an account and associate games with it, meaning you can take your games wherever you go. In theory - who is going to download 4GB of data at an Internet Cafe just to play Half Life 2 on substandard computer equipment. But anyway, hehehe. There were huge problems with it when it first came out. People installing the games found they had to update them as soon as they were installed or they couldn't play them. Which sucks if you're on 56k and it takes 3 hours to update before you can play it for the first time. Caching problems meant that the games didn't install correctly sometimes and you HAD to be on the Internet to play the bloody game. It has been sorted out now, but it was an initial problem. Overall it sucked ass. Recently I've fired it back up again to play Half Life 2, SiN:Emergence and Half Life 2: Episode 1. I'm actually quite impressed with it now. Being on DSL makes it so much easier, with 10X the download rate of 56k hehe. So it usually flies along. I got the special edition of Half Life 2, so the games list that I can play (should I want to download them) is huge - including all the original Half Life titles - HL, Blue Shift, Opposing Force, Death Match, Ricochet, Counterstrike and Team Fortress, plus Day of Defeat. Not bad, if you ask me :) That's about 50% of all the games on Steam, Valve are pretty generous. Not that I'd ever download them, they total several gigs. Best thing is that when you install the games, Steam picks up on them. For example, I can whack my old Half Life Platinum Pack CDs in and install it, and Steam will register it. I get instant access to the games through Steam, which immediately updates them as well. Very impressive. Local 'cache' I guess, is what they call it. Overall, very impressive, and seems to have gotten past the initial teething problems. Not to mention you can buy the games online for quite a bit cheaper than the shops >:) Beginning to like this idea...hehehehe.
Saturday, 17 June 2006, 21:35 +0800 GMT
Steam is the online game management system that Valve released with Half Life 2. You create an account and associate games with it, meaning you can take your games wherever you go. In theory - who is going to download 4GB of data at an Internet Cafe just to play Half Life 2 on substandard computer equipment. But anyway, hehehe. There were huge problems with it when it first came out. People installing the games found they had to update them as soon as they were installed or they couldn't play them. Which sucks if you're on 56k and it takes 3 hours to update before you can play it for the first time. Caching problems meant that the games didn't install correctly sometimes and you HAD to be on the Internet to play the bloody game. It has been sorted out now, but it was an initial problem. Overall it sucked ass. Recently I've fired it back up again to play Half Life 2, SiN:Emergence and Half Life 2: Episode 1. I'm actually quite impressed with it now. Being on DSL makes it so much easier, with 10X the download rate of 56k hehe. So it usually flies along. I got the special edition of Half Life 2, so the games list that I can play (should I want to download them) is huge - including all the original Half Life titles - HL, Blue Shift, Opposing Force, Death Match, Ricochet, Counterstrike and Team Fortress, plus Day of Defeat. Not bad, if you ask me :) That's about 50% of all the games on Steam, Valve are pretty generous. Not that I'd ever download them, they total several gigs. Best thing is that when you install the games, Steam picks up on them. For example, I can whack my old Half Life Platinum Pack CDs in and install it, and Steam will register it. I get instant access to the games through Steam, which immediately updates them as well. Very impressive. Local 'cache' I guess, is what they call it. Overall, very impressive, and seems to have gotten past the initial teething problems. Not to mention you can buy the games online for quite a bit cheaper than the shops >:) Beginning to like this idea...hehehehe.
Bloodhound Gang
Saturday, 17 June 2006, 21:20 +0800 GMT
My original introduction to the Bloodhound Gang was 'Fire Water Burn' way back in about 97/98 I think. I didn't think much of the song, didn't really hear it much. Just thought it was funny because the singer swore a lot. I was a teenager back then, so it figures hehe. Then came 'The Bad Touch' which was gold, again because it was 'taboo' :P Recently I managed to get a few of The Bloodhound Gang's albums and heard some more of their stuff. Some of it isn't great, but a lot of it is really surprisingly addictive :) Songs like 'A Lap Dance Is Always Better When the Stripper is Crying', 'I Hope You Die', 'The Ballad of Chasey Lain' and 'Why's Everybody Always Picking On Me' crack me up...the titles are enough! I don't know why exactly...the songs are full of pretty 'offensive' lyrics ... not that I find them terribly offensive, I just know that a lot of people would. I think they're just very cleverly written and say things that are kinda true...or are otherwise totally random enough to be amusing and catchy - like their new one, 'Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo'. I've heard the band members themselves are a bit screwed up...but I suppose you don't have to like them - their music is fine :)
Saturday, 17 June 2006, 21:20 +0800 GMT
My original introduction to the Bloodhound Gang was 'Fire Water Burn' way back in about 97/98 I think. I didn't think much of the song, didn't really hear it much. Just thought it was funny because the singer swore a lot. I was a teenager back then, so it figures hehe. Then came 'The Bad Touch' which was gold, again because it was 'taboo' :P Recently I managed to get a few of The Bloodhound Gang's albums and heard some more of their stuff. Some of it isn't great, but a lot of it is really surprisingly addictive :) Songs like 'A Lap Dance Is Always Better When the Stripper is Crying', 'I Hope You Die', 'The Ballad of Chasey Lain' and 'Why's Everybody Always Picking On Me' crack me up...the titles are enough! I don't know why exactly...the songs are full of pretty 'offensive' lyrics ... not that I find them terribly offensive, I just know that a lot of people would. I think they're just very cleverly written and say things that are kinda true...or are otherwise totally random enough to be amusing and catchy - like their new one, 'Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo'. I've heard the band members themselves are a bit screwed up...but I suppose you don't have to like them - their music is fine :)
Camera Lenses
Saturday, 17 June 2006, 20:55 +0800 GMT
A colleague at work the other day asked me about cameras, as he is looking to buy a new digital SLR. Reminded me I haven't done much photography lately. Reminded me also that I wanted to get some new lenses. At the moment I've only got a 28-105mm, which, although it is an extremely versatile lens, leaves quite a bit lacking. I've searched through Canon's lens listing and had a chat to my colleague, and have decided I really want the following lenses:
Of course, the problem is always price. The 50mm will set me back about $550, and that's considered cheap. The 200mm is over $1.1k and the 300mm is over $2.2k. The macros come in at $1.5k and $800 respectively, and the wide angle is a cool $1.2k. So don't think I'll be getting too many of them any time soon hehe. Damn 'L' series lenses with Image Stablisation default :( That doubles the price of the lenses instantly >:( Still, paying for quality. What gets me is that the camera body cost me $2.2k, lol. And of course, then there's the cost of solar filters and lens hoods as well. I think this is a long term project, and hopefully will coincide with me getting better at photography. At my current level there's no point getting any of those lenses besides the 50mm because I don't know how to use them or do proper, quality photography. I think I'll pick up the 50mm this July when I get promoted, try to keep myself motivated at work hehehe. Should be good.
Saturday, 17 June 2006, 20:55 +0800 GMT
A colleague at work the other day asked me about cameras, as he is looking to buy a new digital SLR. Reminded me I haven't done much photography lately. Reminded me also that I wanted to get some new lenses. At the moment I've only got a 28-105mm, which, although it is an extremely versatile lens, leaves quite a bit lacking. I've searched through Canon's lens listing and had a chat to my colleague, and have decided I really want the following lenses:
- EF 50mm f/1.4 USM
- EF 300mm f/4L IS USM OR
- EF 200mm f/2.8L II USM
- MP-E65mm f/2.8 1-5x Macro OR
- EF 100mm f/2.8 Macro USM
- EF 17-40mm f/4L USM
Of course, the problem is always price. The 50mm will set me back about $550, and that's considered cheap. The 200mm is over $1.1k and the 300mm is over $2.2k. The macros come in at $1.5k and $800 respectively, and the wide angle is a cool $1.2k. So don't think I'll be getting too many of them any time soon hehe. Damn 'L' series lenses with Image Stablisation default :( That doubles the price of the lenses instantly >:( Still, paying for quality. What gets me is that the camera body cost me $2.2k, lol. And of course, then there's the cost of solar filters and lens hoods as well. I think this is a long term project, and hopefully will coincide with me getting better at photography. At my current level there's no point getting any of those lenses besides the 50mm because I don't know how to use them or do proper, quality photography. I think I'll pick up the 50mm this July when I get promoted, try to keep myself motivated at work hehehe. Should be good.
Performing & Long Range Radar
Monday, 05 June 2006, 02:04 +0800 GMT
Tough entry to write this one, don't know why. Had a performance review with the partner the other day, for the financial year. Kinda interesting really, looking back over the past year. I think I've performed pretty solidly, putting in lots of extra hours and really trying my hardest. On the up side, my work quality has been very good and I've received good reviews for it, and have been booked on certain extra jobs because of that. My technical side has let me work a lot with the IT security manager, and do some interesting things with him like lab sessions - presentations to clients on IT security topics. The partner was very impressed with my component of the first lab session presentation - he thought I was going to screw it up, given that I'm a quiet guy :) On the down side, I've blown huge holes in budgets due to my level of detail, haven't controlled my time on jobs (detail, again) and have hence had jobs roll beyond their schedule, meaning I end up with a snowball effect. Which led to me 'spinning my wheels' between about 5 or 6 clients, getting nowhere, working 70 hour weeks and generally being very very unhappy. So an interesting year :) To sum it up, I think I had some elements that were 'excellent' and some that were 'need improvement', netting off to a 'you've met the standard required' - which is fine. As far as I'm concerned, I have the important things - my quality of work is there. Of course the business isn't quite as interested in that as it is in the bottom line, so I will need to do my part for them and watch my detail level and the budget :)
The meeting itself didn't really go as I had expected. Because of my meeting with the partner a few months ago, I had expected to talk mostly about that. The whole 'I'm really unhappy, I'm working lots of hours and I fucking hate this 5 month long behemoth job I'm on where I've had very little support and don't know what I'm doing'. Hehehe. We worked a solution out at the time, but I disobeyed - I didn't leave the office at 5 when I was supposed to, because I felt like shit doing that. Probably did leave at that time about 5 or 6 times in the past 2 or 3 months hehe. He didn't really seem to mind, I think that whole episode has come to an end :) Aside from that, the usual things came up - how was work and so on. My communication skills still need some work hehe...have this 'respect' problem where I respect people too much - I actually fear the senior managers, principals and partners at work and also fear most clients, because I have so much respect for them. It's not a concious thing, I've just been brought up that way and it's tough to deal with.
So overall I'm pretty happy. The best thing that the partner brought up was specialisation, yay!! Hooray, finally! He said that he'd changed his mind about his comments he made to me before. I said I didn't like a certain service line of work I was doing quite a bit of work in, and he said he'd put me in there deliberately so that I'd learn to do it properly and become 'well rounded', even if I hated it. Which is fair enough. Now though (I guess because I'm going to become more expensive and will blow budgets much faster) he's changed his mind to just let me specialise if I want to. Which makes sense, really, I suppose. I like his reasoning for both options. If I force myself to do the shit work, it gives me a great business rounding, of huge amounts of companies, industries, regulations, processes and all that stuff. If I specialise, he gets a relatively strong technical person to help his security service line manager out. He asked me to think about it and work out what I wanted, so I ended up asking for 50% security jobs, 25% data analytics jobs and 25% external/internal/'other' jobs. Which I think should work out well. I also gave him three client names that should keep me busy for at least 8 or so weeks, which is admittedly only about 16% of the 25% - but there will be other jobs to do for internal audit too.
I think that really helped take a load off my mind. I've been relatively buoyant recently, although there's still a lot of shit to get through before that work preference ratio kicks in. Finally finished a client this week (2 weeks assigned work squashed into 1, as usual :D). The client is pretty cool, I've worked for them before and have some quite in depth knowledge of their processes and business structure. I like working there, the people are quite nice and I'm beginning to build 'relationships' with them. We are likely to be doing a lot more work with them, too - they're tendering for a few audits at the moment. Having the knowledge as a low level advisor is really great because it means I'm a good point of contact for people above me in terms of the detail of the business, and I'm almost always on the 'team' for this client. Which can help me make up that other 9% of 'other' work =) Aside from that, I was surprised on Tuesday when I spent most of the day working on a client I thought we'd finished two weeks before. That naturally meant 3 or 4 days were gone from the week, meaning I didn't have long to work on the client I was supposed to be working on. Which will carry forward to next week, when I'm supposed to be doing CAATS work. Which is either going to cause long hours, or a dreaded 'chat with the manager' to try to get myself off one or the other. *sigh*
Still, plenty of things to look forward to I suppose. This weekend is a long weekend and I'm damn sure not doing any work hehe. Not getting any extra sleep either though, unfortunately. Damn late nights and morning committments :/ Hehe. Supposed to be going wine tasting tomorrow, should be ok. Coming up three weeks yesterday is the company ball, which I'm in two minds about. I've been a bit of a dick about this, telling most people who ask me that I'm not going to go, or rather, that my 'attendance' will be based upon how well my Saturday afternoon DOTA games go :) I just can't be fucked with the ball, to be honest. Last year I didn't enjoy myself and only one good thing happened that I didn't take advantage of, meaning basically the entire night was a waste. I don't dance and *will not* dance. I look and feel like an idiot and I'm not good at it. I just don't enjoy it. So when everyone runs off to do that, what do I do? Sit around looking like a loser on my own, or leave, basically. I did think about attending just for the meal - hey, it's free, and I pay $120 a year for the social club. I figure either way, fuck it. My friends have put me down on a table, and I figure because I'm social club and my seat is 'prepaid' for, I may as well say I'm going. Still, I don't know if I will go or not and will probably only decide on the day. Think I probably will though, the theme is oriental...right up my alley, and I have a jacket to wear too :) Will see.
Not much else on the radar. The girl at work I thought/was hoping something was happening with apparently has a boyfriend, so I guess I jumped the gun on that one, as usual. Heh. Have a trip to Melbourne planned with two colleagues and a mutual friend, in September. Should be great. We're going to stealth ninja our way into the city. Figure we've relied enough upon the hospitality of the 2005 grads over there, so we'll go it alone. What else is up in the long run? Who knows. Plans to travel to Japan but knowing the guy I'm supposed to be going with I doubt that'll happen :P Will need to find someone else to do that. Besides that, working. Basically. Hehe.
Monday, 05 June 2006, 02:04 +0800 GMT
Tough entry to write this one, don't know why. Had a performance review with the partner the other day, for the financial year. Kinda interesting really, looking back over the past year. I think I've performed pretty solidly, putting in lots of extra hours and really trying my hardest. On the up side, my work quality has been very good and I've received good reviews for it, and have been booked on certain extra jobs because of that. My technical side has let me work a lot with the IT security manager, and do some interesting things with him like lab sessions - presentations to clients on IT security topics. The partner was very impressed with my component of the first lab session presentation - he thought I was going to screw it up, given that I'm a quiet guy :) On the down side, I've blown huge holes in budgets due to my level of detail, haven't controlled my time on jobs (detail, again) and have hence had jobs roll beyond their schedule, meaning I end up with a snowball effect. Which led to me 'spinning my wheels' between about 5 or 6 clients, getting nowhere, working 70 hour weeks and generally being very very unhappy. So an interesting year :) To sum it up, I think I had some elements that were 'excellent' and some that were 'need improvement', netting off to a 'you've met the standard required' - which is fine. As far as I'm concerned, I have the important things - my quality of work is there. Of course the business isn't quite as interested in that as it is in the bottom line, so I will need to do my part for them and watch my detail level and the budget :)
The meeting itself didn't really go as I had expected. Because of my meeting with the partner a few months ago, I had expected to talk mostly about that. The whole 'I'm really unhappy, I'm working lots of hours and I fucking hate this 5 month long behemoth job I'm on where I've had very little support and don't know what I'm doing'. Hehehe. We worked a solution out at the time, but I disobeyed - I didn't leave the office at 5 when I was supposed to, because I felt like shit doing that. Probably did leave at that time about 5 or 6 times in the past 2 or 3 months hehe. He didn't really seem to mind, I think that whole episode has come to an end :) Aside from that, the usual things came up - how was work and so on. My communication skills still need some work hehe...have this 'respect' problem where I respect people too much - I actually fear the senior managers, principals and partners at work and also fear most clients, because I have so much respect for them. It's not a concious thing, I've just been brought up that way and it's tough to deal with.
So overall I'm pretty happy. The best thing that the partner brought up was specialisation, yay!! Hooray, finally! He said that he'd changed his mind about his comments he made to me before. I said I didn't like a certain service line of work I was doing quite a bit of work in, and he said he'd put me in there deliberately so that I'd learn to do it properly and become 'well rounded', even if I hated it. Which is fair enough. Now though (I guess because I'm going to become more expensive and will blow budgets much faster) he's changed his mind to just let me specialise if I want to. Which makes sense, really, I suppose. I like his reasoning for both options. If I force myself to do the shit work, it gives me a great business rounding, of huge amounts of companies, industries, regulations, processes and all that stuff. If I specialise, he gets a relatively strong technical person to help his security service line manager out. He asked me to think about it and work out what I wanted, so I ended up asking for 50% security jobs, 25% data analytics jobs and 25% external/internal/'other' jobs. Which I think should work out well. I also gave him three client names that should keep me busy for at least 8 or so weeks, which is admittedly only about 16% of the 25% - but there will be other jobs to do for internal audit too.
I think that really helped take a load off my mind. I've been relatively buoyant recently, although there's still a lot of shit to get through before that work preference ratio kicks in. Finally finished a client this week (2 weeks assigned work squashed into 1, as usual :D). The client is pretty cool, I've worked for them before and have some quite in depth knowledge of their processes and business structure. I like working there, the people are quite nice and I'm beginning to build 'relationships' with them. We are likely to be doing a lot more work with them, too - they're tendering for a few audits at the moment. Having the knowledge as a low level advisor is really great because it means I'm a good point of contact for people above me in terms of the detail of the business, and I'm almost always on the 'team' for this client. Which can help me make up that other 9% of 'other' work =) Aside from that, I was surprised on Tuesday when I spent most of the day working on a client I thought we'd finished two weeks before. That naturally meant 3 or 4 days were gone from the week, meaning I didn't have long to work on the client I was supposed to be working on. Which will carry forward to next week, when I'm supposed to be doing CAATS work. Which is either going to cause long hours, or a dreaded 'chat with the manager' to try to get myself off one or the other. *sigh*
Still, plenty of things to look forward to I suppose. This weekend is a long weekend and I'm damn sure not doing any work hehe. Not getting any extra sleep either though, unfortunately. Damn late nights and morning committments :/ Hehe. Supposed to be going wine tasting tomorrow, should be ok. Coming up three weeks yesterday is the company ball, which I'm in two minds about. I've been a bit of a dick about this, telling most people who ask me that I'm not going to go, or rather, that my 'attendance' will be based upon how well my Saturday afternoon DOTA games go :) I just can't be fucked with the ball, to be honest. Last year I didn't enjoy myself and only one good thing happened that I didn't take advantage of, meaning basically the entire night was a waste. I don't dance and *will not* dance. I look and feel like an idiot and I'm not good at it. I just don't enjoy it. So when everyone runs off to do that, what do I do? Sit around looking like a loser on my own, or leave, basically. I did think about attending just for the meal - hey, it's free, and I pay $120 a year for the social club. I figure either way, fuck it. My friends have put me down on a table, and I figure because I'm social club and my seat is 'prepaid' for, I may as well say I'm going. Still, I don't know if I will go or not and will probably only decide on the day. Think I probably will though, the theme is oriental...right up my alley, and I have a jacket to wear too :) Will see.
Not much else on the radar. The girl at work I thought/was hoping something was happening with apparently has a boyfriend, so I guess I jumped the gun on that one, as usual. Heh. Have a trip to Melbourne planned with two colleagues and a mutual friend, in September. Should be great. We're going to stealth ninja our way into the city. Figure we've relied enough upon the hospitality of the 2005 grads over there, so we'll go it alone. What else is up in the long run? Who knows. Plans to travel to Japan but knowing the guy I'm supposed to be going with I doubt that'll happen :P Will need to find someone else to do that. Besides that, working. Basically. Hehe.
Archery & Another Friend
Monday, 05 June 2006, 02:04 +0800 GMT
I can't believe I actually did it, but I did! I got up and went to archery at 10am on Saturday. I'm so proud hehe. It was really great to get back into it, and even though it's been about a year since I last shot, I still felt the familiar movements and stances creeping back into my body as I shot. At the end of the session I was shooting relatively well. Met up with a friend to go to archery with, which was also nice. I met her at the end of last year when she was doing work experience, and chatted for a while, she's good value. When she joined I spoke with her a lot over email but never in person. The archery was easily the longest we've spent in each other's presence. Ironically, it was also probably the least we'd spoken in a while :) I didn't really have anything to say, and neither did she apparently. Still, neither of us seemed to worried about it. In the emails I find I can really talk to her and get myself and her to open up a bit. I couldn't in real life but that's nothing new. It's difficult to talk about the things I like to talk about in the middle of archery, and in the middle of a throng of people who can listen. Relationships and all that stuff, it's great to get the opinions of others on them but I prefer to hear opinions and share my own without randoms listening in :)
Was nice to talk to her, anyway, regardless of how little we actually spoke. Hopefully she'll drag me to archery again, every week. Cuts down drastically on my Friday night but I think that's wise anyway. It gets me up and off, and I think we could turn into really good friends. Hopefully going to dinner next week. Will see what happens.
Monday, 05 June 2006, 02:04 +0800 GMT
I can't believe I actually did it, but I did! I got up and went to archery at 10am on Saturday. I'm so proud hehe. It was really great to get back into it, and even though it's been about a year since I last shot, I still felt the familiar movements and stances creeping back into my body as I shot. At the end of the session I was shooting relatively well. Met up with a friend to go to archery with, which was also nice. I met her at the end of last year when she was doing work experience, and chatted for a while, she's good value. When she joined I spoke with her a lot over email but never in person. The archery was easily the longest we've spent in each other's presence. Ironically, it was also probably the least we'd spoken in a while :) I didn't really have anything to say, and neither did she apparently. Still, neither of us seemed to worried about it. In the emails I find I can really talk to her and get myself and her to open up a bit. I couldn't in real life but that's nothing new. It's difficult to talk about the things I like to talk about in the middle of archery, and in the middle of a throng of people who can listen. Relationships and all that stuff, it's great to get the opinions of others on them but I prefer to hear opinions and share my own without randoms listening in :)
Was nice to talk to her, anyway, regardless of how little we actually spoke. Hopefully she'll drag me to archery again, every week. Cuts down drastically on my Friday night but I think that's wise anyway. It gets me up and off, and I think we could turn into really good friends. Hopefully going to dinner next week. Will see what happens.
Warning, Package May Experience Some Un-Settling During Transport
Monday, 05 June 2006, 02:04 +0800 GMT
Had another unsettling experience today that just really makes me realise how naive I am to some of the ways of the world. I've written so many times on here about how I can't really handle being touched, and I how I don't really touch others for that reason. There's a new guy at work from Malaysia who is big on the whole touching thing. I'll be sitting at my desk and I'll feel a hand slide across my back. Initially I found it really disturbing and I'd spin and throw him off, half expecting/hoping there'd be some hot girl to be standing
Monday, 05 June 2006, 02:04 +0800 GMT
Had another unsettling experience today that just really makes me realise how naive I am to some of the ways of the world. I've written so many times on here about how I can't really handle being touched, and I how I don't really touch others for that reason. There's a new guy at work from Malaysia who is big on the whole touching thing. I'll be sitting at my desk and I'll feel a hand slide across my back. Initially I found it really disturbing and I'd spin and throw him off, half expecting/hoping there'd be some hot girl to be standing