Direction
Monday, 29 January 2006, 18:52 +0800 GMT
It suddenly struck me the other day that I no longer have direction in life. I think this is a more stable feeling following on from the difficult patch I hit late last year. At that time, work just filled my life again and I only managed to get through it with the knowledge that I had two weeks off work late December/early January. The holiday was great, but the affect it had on me was deceptive. When I returned to work on 9th January I was really unhappy, I didn’t want to go back. I figured it was mostly just the change from holidays to work, but it seemed like more than that to me. Almost as if I just didn’t want to work at Ernst & Young any more, or even in general. I tried to push through it, and felt that if I did, I’d eventually settle back into that ‘work routine’ I had that got me through until the Christmas holidays.
It partially worked. Sitting here now, I know that I’m back in the routine. Whether or not I’m happy about it…that’s another question. As I mentioned before, I feel I’ve lost my direction in life. I don’t know where I’m heading, and each day at work just feels less and less right. I struggle on through it with the knowledge that I’m in the routine…but that’s all. Thinking about it this morning, I reckon that heading straight from high school to uni to work with no break might have had something to do with this. I simply came straight out of uni to Ernst & Young without really thinking. It was the first job I applied for, the first job I was offered. And I accepted, without thinking. Why? Mostly because I enjoyed the job during my vacation work, but partially because it was the only job I had been offered. I didn’t find out what else was out there.
The one thing I did investigate was teaching English in Japan. This one is interesting. I don’t have any real connection with Japan, I can’t speak any Japanese really and I’ve never been there. And yet, I wanted to go to Japan to teach English. I don’t really put it down to the almost inexplicable ‘Westerner interest in Japan’. I don’t know exactly what it is. A lot of my friends want to go because they understand better what Japan is really all about. They have been there, they speak the language, or they are interested in anime or manga. My connection is much more tenuous. I think it’d just be an experience. And the real reason why Japan? Well, I think it’s just simply because it’s one of the most interesting places out there. Teaching English in Europe, or South America? Not interested, because I don’t like those places. In China? Perhaps…I’ve always wanted to travel to China to learn Mandarin, that’d work well. But Japan still takes the cake. I think it’s what little of the history and culture of Japan I have learnt about, as well as some collective unconscious…everyone else is interested in Japan, so so am I. I want to see the architecture, the blend of Shinto/Bhuddist ‘old ways’ of doing things, and the blazingly modern and ultra cool/exotic ‘new ways’ of the youth. Experience a big neon city in Tokyo, and a rural paradise in Kyoto. Unfortunately if I say anything else, I’ll really be talking crap out of my ass…and that’s the kicker, I really know little else about Japan.
So how is this all going to work? I don’t know. My passion for working at Ernst & Young has died. I think my only hope for saving my job, essentially, is to work on a few good clients coming up. Part of the reason I don’t enjoy it any more is because of the hard time I had during busy season the middle of last year, and a large client I am currently working on that has been dragging on for over 3 months. I just can’t wait to get off that job. Then maybe I can see what is happening with a clearer view…whether I want to quit, or carry on.
Interestingly, a few weeks ago the only thing keeping me from quitting was the fact that I wouldn’t have a job if I did quit. Not much to go on huh. Now, being slightly more realistic, I have a few more reasons, such as wanting to make it to 3 years (senior). That way, I will be much more recognised in the market as having vital business process skills. If I quit now, I won’t have that. I also wouldn’t know what to go into...and that's really scary. Going straight from uni into Ernst & Young, I just don't know what else is out there. IT auditing is already a bizzare choice, but I found it really fitted with me quite well. However, I think the worst thing about all of this is that up until I came back from my holiday, my loyalty to EY was unwavering. Even through the shit times of busy season, I was still up there. The partner asked me late last year if I ever felt like quitting during the bad times, and I said no. It was so disappointing to come back after holidays and suddenly realise that I was feeling like quitting.
So I’m a little lost right now. It’s hard to know what to do. These days, it’s not like the ‘old days’ where you worked 20 years at one company. Now, you can do what you want, chop and change. The attitude is you do what you want, and you choose your job to learn the skills you want and to find something that you enjoy. That said, if someone came up to me tomorrow and said ‘We can offer you a job in Japan teaching English, provided you can fly out at the end of February’ I’d say yes. And I’d go. And I’d leave everything here behind, no questions asked. It’s scary to have that kind of realisation.
And at the same time, I think it means so much. I think there’s a part of me that just isn’t ready for full time 9 – 5 work, staying in one place for the rest of my life. 2 or 3 weeks travel during the pitiful 4 weeks annual leave just isn’t enough. I want to get out there and adventure. Sounds strange coming from someone so conservative, but imagine the adventures you could have teaching English in Japan. Even if you lived your life there like you did here, you’d still have adventures…because you’re in another country, which has another language, culture and way of doing things. Every day would be different, amazing. And admittedly, there’d be good and bad times, but that’s life. It’d be an invaluable life experience. And it’s something I want.
I figure that the only way around it, e.g. the only way not to just pack up and leave for a year, is unpaid leave, to travel Japan and/or China for 2 or 3 months each. Problem with that is cost. I’d have to do it in 2008 (July), when I make the move between Advisor and Senior Advisor. After that, you can’t take unpaid leave as far as I know. I’m not sure I could save enough on my salary to be able to afford 3 – 6 months away. I reckon it’d cost upwards of $20,000 - $25,000. Still, something to plan for I guess. I’d even do it alone, if I had to.
So that’s what’s on my mind at the moment :) I’m not really sure what to do, to be honest. Obviously I’ll have to see how things go at Ernst & Young, while exploring ‘other options’. It’s so strange to be thinking like this, because this isn’t trivial. This is really determining where my life is going, and how I’ll live the rest of it. Bizarre. Not something you really want to rush, or make a bad decision on :/
Monday, 29 January 2006, 18:52 +0800 GMT
It suddenly struck me the other day that I no longer have direction in life. I think this is a more stable feeling following on from the difficult patch I hit late last year. At that time, work just filled my life again and I only managed to get through it with the knowledge that I had two weeks off work late December/early January. The holiday was great, but the affect it had on me was deceptive. When I returned to work on 9th January I was really unhappy, I didn’t want to go back. I figured it was mostly just the change from holidays to work, but it seemed like more than that to me. Almost as if I just didn’t want to work at Ernst & Young any more, or even in general. I tried to push through it, and felt that if I did, I’d eventually settle back into that ‘work routine’ I had that got me through until the Christmas holidays.
It partially worked. Sitting here now, I know that I’m back in the routine. Whether or not I’m happy about it…that’s another question. As I mentioned before, I feel I’ve lost my direction in life. I don’t know where I’m heading, and each day at work just feels less and less right. I struggle on through it with the knowledge that I’m in the routine…but that’s all. Thinking about it this morning, I reckon that heading straight from high school to uni to work with no break might have had something to do with this. I simply came straight out of uni to Ernst & Young without really thinking. It was the first job I applied for, the first job I was offered. And I accepted, without thinking. Why? Mostly because I enjoyed the job during my vacation work, but partially because it was the only job I had been offered. I didn’t find out what else was out there.
The one thing I did investigate was teaching English in Japan. This one is interesting. I don’t have any real connection with Japan, I can’t speak any Japanese really and I’ve never been there. And yet, I wanted to go to Japan to teach English. I don’t really put it down to the almost inexplicable ‘Westerner interest in Japan’. I don’t know exactly what it is. A lot of my friends want to go because they understand better what Japan is really all about. They have been there, they speak the language, or they are interested in anime or manga. My connection is much more tenuous. I think it’d just be an experience. And the real reason why Japan? Well, I think it’s just simply because it’s one of the most interesting places out there. Teaching English in Europe, or South America? Not interested, because I don’t like those places. In China? Perhaps…I’ve always wanted to travel to China to learn Mandarin, that’d work well. But Japan still takes the cake. I think it’s what little of the history and culture of Japan I have learnt about, as well as some collective unconscious…everyone else is interested in Japan, so so am I. I want to see the architecture, the blend of Shinto/Bhuddist ‘old ways’ of doing things, and the blazingly modern and ultra cool/exotic ‘new ways’ of the youth. Experience a big neon city in Tokyo, and a rural paradise in Kyoto. Unfortunately if I say anything else, I’ll really be talking crap out of my ass…and that’s the kicker, I really know little else about Japan.
So how is this all going to work? I don’t know. My passion for working at Ernst & Young has died. I think my only hope for saving my job, essentially, is to work on a few good clients coming up. Part of the reason I don’t enjoy it any more is because of the hard time I had during busy season the middle of last year, and a large client I am currently working on that has been dragging on for over 3 months. I just can’t wait to get off that job. Then maybe I can see what is happening with a clearer view…whether I want to quit, or carry on.
Interestingly, a few weeks ago the only thing keeping me from quitting was the fact that I wouldn’t have a job if I did quit. Not much to go on huh. Now, being slightly more realistic, I have a few more reasons, such as wanting to make it to 3 years (senior). That way, I will be much more recognised in the market as having vital business process skills. If I quit now, I won’t have that. I also wouldn’t know what to go into...and that's really scary. Going straight from uni into Ernst & Young, I just don't know what else is out there. IT auditing is already a bizzare choice, but I found it really fitted with me quite well. However, I think the worst thing about all of this is that up until I came back from my holiday, my loyalty to EY was unwavering. Even through the shit times of busy season, I was still up there. The partner asked me late last year if I ever felt like quitting during the bad times, and I said no. It was so disappointing to come back after holidays and suddenly realise that I was feeling like quitting.
So I’m a little lost right now. It’s hard to know what to do. These days, it’s not like the ‘old days’ where you worked 20 years at one company. Now, you can do what you want, chop and change. The attitude is you do what you want, and you choose your job to learn the skills you want and to find something that you enjoy. That said, if someone came up to me tomorrow and said ‘We can offer you a job in Japan teaching English, provided you can fly out at the end of February’ I’d say yes. And I’d go. And I’d leave everything here behind, no questions asked. It’s scary to have that kind of realisation.
And at the same time, I think it means so much. I think there’s a part of me that just isn’t ready for full time 9 – 5 work, staying in one place for the rest of my life. 2 or 3 weeks travel during the pitiful 4 weeks annual leave just isn’t enough. I want to get out there and adventure. Sounds strange coming from someone so conservative, but imagine the adventures you could have teaching English in Japan. Even if you lived your life there like you did here, you’d still have adventures…because you’re in another country, which has another language, culture and way of doing things. Every day would be different, amazing. And admittedly, there’d be good and bad times, but that’s life. It’d be an invaluable life experience. And it’s something I want.
I figure that the only way around it, e.g. the only way not to just pack up and leave for a year, is unpaid leave, to travel Japan and/or China for 2 or 3 months each. Problem with that is cost. I’d have to do it in 2008 (July), when I make the move between Advisor and Senior Advisor. After that, you can’t take unpaid leave as far as I know. I’m not sure I could save enough on my salary to be able to afford 3 – 6 months away. I reckon it’d cost upwards of $20,000 - $25,000. Still, something to plan for I guess. I’d even do it alone, if I had to.
So that’s what’s on my mind at the moment :) I’m not really sure what to do, to be honest. Obviously I’ll have to see how things go at Ernst & Young, while exploring ‘other options’. It’s so strange to be thinking like this, because this isn’t trivial. This is really determining where my life is going, and how I’ll live the rest of it. Bizarre. Not something you really want to rush, or make a bad decision on :/
HOLY SHIT
Monday, 15 January 2006, 23:48 +0800 GMT
OMG...this computer is insane. I just loaded up F.E.A.R. It 'autodetected' my computer as 'medium CPU' and 'medium graphics' power. I snorted at that and put EVERYTHING to highest. Then I ran the testy demo benchmark thingy. Muahahahaha! The stats?:
Monday, 15 January 2006, 23:48 +0800 GMT
OMG...this computer is insane. I just loaded up F.E.A.R. It 'autodetected' my computer as 'medium CPU' and 'medium graphics' power. I snorted at that and put EVERYTHING to highest. Then I ran the testy demo benchmark thingy. Muahahahaha! The stats?:
- Lowest frame rate: 44
- Average frame rate: 77
- Maximum frame rate: 222
'Dragonfly' Arises!
Monday, 15 January 2006, 23:35 +0800 GMT
It's funny you know. This new computer has caused me great joy and great pain. I wrote a long rant about how frustrating it was, only to have the tide turn dramatically before my eyes, before I could post it. So instead, I'm writing this.
Two weeks ago I did all the reseach for a new computer. I reviewed the individual components, chose the best one within my budget, then tried to find the shop selling each part for the cheapest. Ended up with parts coming from about 5 retailers. I got the motherboard two weeks ago, and ordered my RAM from an online store last week. It was at this point things went bad. My RAM took ages to come and I feared I wouldn't be able to get it before the weekend, and hence I wouldn't be able to build my computer. The shop I originally sourced many parts from had literally no stock. And I couldn't find a processor anywhere in Perth. Then things went magically right :) My power supply was shipped within one day, my RAM arrived Friday morning, and I managed to get three orders from three separate retailers in two days. Plus, I found someone who shipped the processor in for me overnight! It was awesome.
I spent all Saturday morning (10am - 1pm) collecting parts. I figured it'd take 45 minutes to put the computer together...I ended up booting into a fresh install of WinXP Pro x64 about 10.5 hours after I first started building the computer. Hehe. It was such a relief to have all the parts I didn't realise how long it was gonna take to put it all together! I was being ultra careful, and although the case is quite a good one, it just wasn't compatible with some of the parts. It was very difficult to get the front panel for the motherboard in, the sound card almost got jammed, and the wiring took me literally 3+ hours. It was the first time I've built a computer though hehe.
Anyway, finally got it all ready and switched it on, fully expecting it to blow up! It turned on fine, and I set up the BIOS, formatted the hard drive and installed Windows etc. Unfortunately, two things didn't work - several case fans just didn't spin, and the sound card wouldn't install. The case fans I worked out weren't spinning because the power supply controls them depending on the heat in the case. Might have to change that later given I'm running SLI. The sound card...well that's another story. For some reason it Windows couldn't recognise it. It just came up with 'Multimedia Audio Controller' and 'PCI Other Device'. Not much fun. I tried installing the motherboard drivers provided by Abit, but without much luck. Today I went to my friend's house and got the latest nForce4 drivers from Nvidia (including the Audio drivers missing from my motherboard CD). Still nothing after installing them. So I went ahead and installed the sound card drivers I downloaded from Creative (you couldn't install the drivers from the CD with the sound card, because it complained about not having an Audigy installed). Go figure - how can you install the card when you can't install the drivers to make the card install. Weird. I thought the problem was the motherboard nForce4 PCI or audio drivers weren't working/installed so they couldn't recognise the sound card. Guess I don't know as much about the driver layers as I thought I did. Anyway, all installed now.
My original plan was to have it all up and running by mid afternoon on Saturday. As it turned out, I got busy and didn't actually get it all working until 10:30pm tonight. Lol. It was really good fun I have to say. Still plenty to set up (turning Windows off gay mode, exploring the sound card/video card drivers and software to tweak performance etc). Awesome to have a new computer.
Monday, 15 January 2006, 23:35 +0800 GMT
It's funny you know. This new computer has caused me great joy and great pain. I wrote a long rant about how frustrating it was, only to have the tide turn dramatically before my eyes, before I could post it. So instead, I'm writing this.
Two weeks ago I did all the reseach for a new computer. I reviewed the individual components, chose the best one within my budget, then tried to find the shop selling each part for the cheapest. Ended up with parts coming from about 5 retailers. I got the motherboard two weeks ago, and ordered my RAM from an online store last week. It was at this point things went bad. My RAM took ages to come and I feared I wouldn't be able to get it before the weekend, and hence I wouldn't be able to build my computer. The shop I originally sourced many parts from had literally no stock. And I couldn't find a processor anywhere in Perth. Then things went magically right :) My power supply was shipped within one day, my RAM arrived Friday morning, and I managed to get three orders from three separate retailers in two days. Plus, I found someone who shipped the processor in for me overnight! It was awesome.
I spent all Saturday morning (10am - 1pm) collecting parts. I figured it'd take 45 minutes to put the computer together...I ended up booting into a fresh install of WinXP Pro x64 about 10.5 hours after I first started building the computer. Hehe. It was such a relief to have all the parts I didn't realise how long it was gonna take to put it all together! I was being ultra careful, and although the case is quite a good one, it just wasn't compatible with some of the parts. It was very difficult to get the front panel for the motherboard in, the sound card almost got jammed, and the wiring took me literally 3+ hours. It was the first time I've built a computer though hehe.
Anyway, finally got it all ready and switched it on, fully expecting it to blow up! It turned on fine, and I set up the BIOS, formatted the hard drive and installed Windows etc. Unfortunately, two things didn't work - several case fans just didn't spin, and the sound card wouldn't install. The case fans I worked out weren't spinning because the power supply controls them depending on the heat in the case. Might have to change that later given I'm running SLI. The sound card...well that's another story. For some reason it Windows couldn't recognise it. It just came up with 'Multimedia Audio Controller' and 'PCI Other Device'. Not much fun. I tried installing the motherboard drivers provided by Abit, but without much luck. Today I went to my friend's house and got the latest nForce4 drivers from Nvidia (including the Audio drivers missing from my motherboard CD). Still nothing after installing them. So I went ahead and installed the sound card drivers I downloaded from Creative (you couldn't install the drivers from the CD with the sound card, because it complained about not having an Audigy installed). Go figure - how can you install the card when you can't install the drivers to make the card install. Weird. I thought the problem was the motherboard nForce4 PCI or audio drivers weren't working/installed so they couldn't recognise the sound card. Guess I don't know as much about the driver layers as I thought I did. Anyway, all installed now.
My original plan was to have it all up and running by mid afternoon on Saturday. As it turned out, I got busy and didn't actually get it all working until 10:30pm tonight. Lol. It was really good fun I have to say. Still plenty to set up (turning Windows off gay mode, exploring the sound card/video card drivers and software to tweak performance etc). Awesome to have a new computer.
New Computer
Sunday, 07 January 2006, 14:12 +0800 GMT
The 'evolution' of computers in my family is pretty fascinating for me. We went from a 1988 IBM PC XT 16MHz to a 1992 486 DX2 66MHz, then to a 1997 AMD K6/2 300MHz and then finally to the current computer, a 2001 AMD XP1900+. The totally interesting part is that each of these computers cost about $3000 at the respective time they were bought. The speed differences are also interesting - XT to 486 was about 4X, 486 to K6/2 was about 4X and K6/2 to XP1900+ was just over 4X. Moore's law (or whatever it was) held back then hehe.
Anyway, the reason I'm talking about all this ancient technology is exactly that - it is ancient technology, even the current XP1900+. So I finally decided that it was time to get a new computer :) The XP1900+ is almost 4 years old now and it's really beginning to show its age. I find that I can usually make computers last about 4 years before it gets really painful...I'm lucky enough that this computer could run Half Life 2 on lowest settings at quite a decent frame rate :) It just looked shit hehe. So yah, I decided to get a new one.
Another interesting 'evolution' that I went through with the computers was how we bought them. The AMD K6/2 was bought from OfficeWorks, back when I had no idea about computers really. It had shared memory and really really sucked for games! :P Wish I had known better hehe. The XP1900+ was bought when I was in second year uni and I began to understand more about computers. This time I searched through the newspaper IT area looking for a good little retailer instead of a prepackaged behemoth from a large firm. I also did some research about parts using sites such as Tomshardware, so that I could put 'better' parts into the computer. Ended up choosing Netplus and I'm really happy with both them and this computer. But even then, I was simply taking a Netplus prepackaged computer and changing the motherboard and graphics card really. This time, I decided to choose every component myself after researching them on the net. It's such good fun going out there and reading reviews, getting back in touch with all the computers parts and how the systems work, trying to identify the perfect combination of parts based on performance, bottlenecks and unfortunately, budget hehe.
I'm really lucky in that this time a few friends I know have access to a computer wholesaler, who they can get parts from pretty cheap. Like...10 - 50% cheaper than a retail store. One of my friends is also going to help me put the bits together to make the computer, so I'm really grateful to him for helping me out :) It's really great to be able to buy all the parts separately from the wholesaler and build it, because the parts are cheaper so you can get a lot more for your budget ;)
Anyway, here is the parts list I have decided on:
Sunday, 07 January 2006, 14:12 +0800 GMT
The 'evolution' of computers in my family is pretty fascinating for me. We went from a 1988 IBM PC XT 16MHz to a 1992 486 DX2 66MHz, then to a 1997 AMD K6/2 300MHz and then finally to the current computer, a 2001 AMD XP1900+. The totally interesting part is that each of these computers cost about $3000 at the respective time they were bought. The speed differences are also interesting - XT to 486 was about 4X, 486 to K6/2 was about 4X and K6/2 to XP1900+ was just over 4X. Moore's law (or whatever it was) held back then hehe.
Anyway, the reason I'm talking about all this ancient technology is exactly that - it is ancient technology, even the current XP1900+. So I finally decided that it was time to get a new computer :) The XP1900+ is almost 4 years old now and it's really beginning to show its age. I find that I can usually make computers last about 4 years before it gets really painful...I'm lucky enough that this computer could run Half Life 2 on lowest settings at quite a decent frame rate :) It just looked shit hehe. So yah, I decided to get a new one.
Another interesting 'evolution' that I went through with the computers was how we bought them. The AMD K6/2 was bought from OfficeWorks, back when I had no idea about computers really. It had shared memory and really really sucked for games! :P Wish I had known better hehe. The XP1900+ was bought when I was in second year uni and I began to understand more about computers. This time I searched through the newspaper IT area looking for a good little retailer instead of a prepackaged behemoth from a large firm. I also did some research about parts using sites such as Tomshardware, so that I could put 'better' parts into the computer. Ended up choosing Netplus and I'm really happy with both them and this computer. But even then, I was simply taking a Netplus prepackaged computer and changing the motherboard and graphics card really. This time, I decided to choose every component myself after researching them on the net. It's such good fun going out there and reading reviews, getting back in touch with all the computers parts and how the systems work, trying to identify the perfect combination of parts based on performance, bottlenecks and unfortunately, budget hehe.
I'm really lucky in that this time a few friends I know have access to a computer wholesaler, who they can get parts from pretty cheap. Like...10 - 50% cheaper than a retail store. One of my friends is also going to help me put the bits together to make the computer, so I'm really grateful to him for helping me out :) It's really great to be able to buy all the parts separately from the wholesaler and build it, because the parts are cheaper so you can get a lot more for your budget ;)
Anyway, here is the parts list I have decided on:
- Motherboard: Abit Fatal1ty AN8 SLI
- CPU: AMD Athlon64 4000+ (2.4GHz, 1MB L2 cache)
- RAM: Corsair TWINX2048-3200C2PRO (Matched pair 2x1GB, 400MHz dual channel DDR, 2-3-3-6 latency)
- Hard Drive: 250GB Western Digital WD2500KS (SATA300, 16MB cache)
- DVD: Samsung 16X reader, Pioneer DVR-110D 16X +/- R/RW dual layer burner
- Graphics Cards: 2x LeadTek WinFast 256MB PX7800 GT TDH MyVIVO (SLI)
- Sound Card: Sound Blaster Audigy2 ZS
- Speakers: Logitech X-530 5.1 70W RMS
- Case: CoolerMaster WaveMaster w/ 500W PSU
Understanding
Saturday, 06 January 2006, 15:32 +0800 GMT
I've probably talked about this before (hehe that's like, the most classic line on this journal I think), but I think I'm finally beginning to understand life in general a bit better. Pretty bold claim huh! :/ But seriously, it's not that grand. All my teenage life, I used to surpress most things 'female related'. I'd hate it when people talked about how 'hot' a girl was, I used to think it was bad. I used to hate it when people got too familiar with each other e.g. when people flirted with each other, physically or mentally. I guess recently I've come to realise that it's not such a bad thing, if it's done always with an underlying level of respect. I guess one of the catalysts for the change was my best friend. To me, he seemed to change a little while ago. He would suddenly start commenting on people he thought were hot etc. I initially was really disappointed and upset that he would do that, but I know he always does it with respect...it's not like he carries on about someone being a slutty hoe for example. And seriously, I don't see anything wrong with seeing someone that you think is beautiful and just commenting to whoever you're with that you think that person you saw is beautiful. What's wrong with that? So I guess I learnt to be more tolerant of that. Obviously, this is another one of my 'learnt really late in life' things that sorta means it's easy to just go off the rails and start commenting on everyone I see...which would be bad. So there's that balance thing again. I think I'm lucky that I started life out so 'carrot up the arse' conservative. That way, you're less likely to offend anyone. Then, once you've got that solid base of respect and generally being a really boring person, you can start to sorta expand slowly to become more friendly/'sexual' and so on :P Maybe? I don't know, just my musings :) I see some of my friends are exactly like this, it's kinda comforting :)
Anyway, I think this has helped me quite a bit. I feel that over the past 2 months after reading some of that book previously mentioned I've changed quite a bit...my best friend said I had. It's like that book made me open my eyes and mind, and from doing that I've started to notice other things (such as my best friend with his 'hot' girl thing) and take them onboard as ok. I feel more confident and more happy in general. Perhaps most interesting, I feel almost worthwhile as a person. I feel like I could try to make a relationship work. 2 months ago, I wouldn't have. What's more, I think I may finally be starting to understand what I was doing for the past few years that meant I could never get a girlfriend :P So maybe from here, good things might start to happen :) Maybe.
Funny...I almost didn't read that book for the same reason that the book has now helped me overcome. Interesting hehe. Anyway, that book is slightly dangerous I think, so I'm glad I didn't spin off the rails after reading it. I guess that 'solid anal retentive base' I've developed over the years and through hammering by parents must have put some morals in me that helped me out there :)
Saturday, 06 January 2006, 15:32 +0800 GMT
I've probably talked about this before (hehe that's like, the most classic line on this journal I think), but I think I'm finally beginning to understand life in general a bit better. Pretty bold claim huh! :/ But seriously, it's not that grand. All my teenage life, I used to surpress most things 'female related'. I'd hate it when people talked about how 'hot' a girl was, I used to think it was bad. I used to hate it when people got too familiar with each other e.g. when people flirted with each other, physically or mentally. I guess recently I've come to realise that it's not such a bad thing, if it's done always with an underlying level of respect. I guess one of the catalysts for the change was my best friend. To me, he seemed to change a little while ago. He would suddenly start commenting on people he thought were hot etc. I initially was really disappointed and upset that he would do that, but I know he always does it with respect...it's not like he carries on about someone being a slutty hoe for example. And seriously, I don't see anything wrong with seeing someone that you think is beautiful and just commenting to whoever you're with that you think that person you saw is beautiful. What's wrong with that? So I guess I learnt to be more tolerant of that. Obviously, this is another one of my 'learnt really late in life' things that sorta means it's easy to just go off the rails and start commenting on everyone I see...which would be bad. So there's that balance thing again. I think I'm lucky that I started life out so 'carrot up the arse' conservative. That way, you're less likely to offend anyone. Then, once you've got that solid base of respect and generally being a really boring person, you can start to sorta expand slowly to become more friendly/'sexual' and so on :P Maybe? I don't know, just my musings :) I see some of my friends are exactly like this, it's kinda comforting :)
Anyway, I think this has helped me quite a bit. I feel that over the past 2 months after reading some of that book previously mentioned I've changed quite a bit...my best friend said I had. It's like that book made me open my eyes and mind, and from doing that I've started to notice other things (such as my best friend with his 'hot' girl thing) and take them onboard as ok. I feel more confident and more happy in general. Perhaps most interesting, I feel almost worthwhile as a person. I feel like I could try to make a relationship work. 2 months ago, I wouldn't have. What's more, I think I may finally be starting to understand what I was doing for the past few years that meant I could never get a girlfriend :P So maybe from here, good things might start to happen :) Maybe.
Funny...I almost didn't read that book for the same reason that the book has now helped me overcome. Interesting hehe. Anyway, that book is slightly dangerous I think, so I'm glad I didn't spin off the rails after reading it. I guess that 'solid anal retentive base' I've developed over the years and through hammering by parents must have put some morals in me that helped me out there :)